Parents of young children, how do you split household chores?

[duploid]

I have two young children under 3, and have been feeling resentful towards my husband re the share of household responsibilities. Can I set out what we each do, and see what other families do and how fair our split is?

Context: I'm currently on maternity leave. Our baby is not very chilled - I can't get her to nap without me next to her, so there isn't any baby-free time during the day. My husband works from home. My older child goes to nursery. We have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight.

I cook, do laundry, organise the weekly food shop, do the dishwasher, clean up after meals, tidy after our toddler.

I look after the baby most of the day but my husband takes her at 5 for half an hour before we pick up our toddler together. I tend to get as much of lunch ready as I can before I take the baby out for our morning walk. My husband will normally need to pop something in the oven or make pasta, etc.

We do bath time together. I then settle the baby while he sorts the toddler. The toddler is not compliant - he takes her to bed at 8 but usually isn't downstairs until 9. I've usually settled the baby by 7.45. I also look after the baby by myself overnight (multiple wakings).

My husband tidies too, but probably less than me. He will take the bins out if I ask, repeatedly. He looks after the toddler from bath time until when she's asleep (9).

My husband says I'm on maternity leave, and whilst it's tricky getting chores done with the baby, it is still possible. He says he's often working until very late, and can't see when he'd have time to do more chores. I agree he's very dedicated to his work and does work hard, but my counter is that's his choice, he doesn't need to work that hard, and he's choosing his work to my detriment as I'm having to pick up the slack. Am I being unfair? We're now at an impasse.

And as far as admin, pick things that are optional he cares about and do nothing. Holidays, xmas presents for his parents, visiting his parents, ironing his clothes.

Yes i did feel very resentful at times. I managed these feelings by trying to appreciate all the special moments (and even the mundane ones) that I got to have with my children whilst my husband travelled and worked, missing out.
I did loads more around the house and our second baby didn't sleep at all well for over 2 years so I was exhausted and ended up on antidepressants to get me through.
I lowered my cleaning standards and tried to batch cook and use slow cooker.
Looking back now, 2-3 years wasn't a long time in the grand scheme of things and now I'm back at work and kids at school, but when you're in the thick of it, it all feels very overwhelming and hard.
Maybe your husband isn't so confident as you when it comes to caring for the kids and doing chores at the same time. My husband can never do more than one thing at a time and did need a kick up the arse when I was on maternity as he though that meant he worked and I had to do absolutely everything.
I think I went to my mums for a weekend and he came to realise just how busy you are being at home with kids and housework.
Even now, I get frustrated that if I go out for the evening (pre covid) or her my nails done, yes DH will take care of the children and be great fun and brilliant dad, but the breakfast crockery will still be sat there when I get home.
Men need to have expectations very clearly laid down for them in my experience. For example "would you be able to put the breakfast stuff in the dishwasher whilst I'm out please?"

I get resentful towards DH too but I think I've realised it's not so much that I physically do more than him, it's what the OP calls the 'mental load', the fact that I'm always planning, thinking ahead, I know how and when things need to be done and am practised at multi tasking. The odd time I'm out of action (e.g. a rare weekend away or ill in bed all day), hardly anything gets done. Everyone is fed and happy but the same laundry is on the airer, dishes piled up, toys everywhere... It just shows that he doesn't think that stuff is his job, or he really doesn't know things need doing. Those are the times I really lose my shit and start plotting a divorce.

@33goingon64

I get resentful towards DH too but I think I've realised it's not so much that I physically do more than him, it's what the OP calls the 'mental load', the fact that I'm always planning, thinking ahead, I know how and when things need to be done and am practised at multi tasking. The odd time I'm out of action (e.g. a rare weekend away or ill in bed all day), hardly anything gets done. Everyone is fed and happy but the same laundry is on the airer, dishes piled up, toys everywhere... It just shows that he doesn't think that stuff is his job, or he really doesn't know things need doing. Those are the times I really lose my shit and start plotting a divorce.

Yes we have this a lot too. I find DH has got better since I started writing lists. It sounds silly but we can each see a fair split and tick off as we go. We have to do this at weekends as we don't currently have a cleaner. Although I am wearing DH down on that front

I do all the chores as I don't work, he works. Pre kids we were splitting them, pretty much 50/50, ok maybe 60 (me) /40. I do sometimes wish he would help out but to be honest he doesn't expect for me to keep everything spotless every day so if I really can't be bothered to do something that day, it can wait

Thank you everybody, really helpful and kind responses.

@FrostedCupcake I think there's something in that. I'm frustrated that my baby is so tricky I can't get things done, so it gets directed at the other adult in the house. Sometimes it IS just him though. Like today, I scurried off after lunch to do the lunch nap, and when I came back a couple of hours later all the plates were still on the table. It felt like my husband just EXPECTED me to do it, and that really annoyed me.

We had similar issues a few years ago but are on a pretty good balance at the moment.

I leave for work very early so does both kids in the morning (dropping one to nursery, sending the other off on the bus). We share evening collections depending on who can get away from work earliest.

We share the cooking and cleaning the kitchen depending on who can be arsed cooking. We all eat a substantial lunchtime meal at nursery/school/workplaces so weekday evenings we eat very simply.

He always does the all of the vacuuming, the bins, the recycling, all car related jobs and most of the garden tasks.

I always do the bathrooms and the laundry and I lay out the childrens' clothes in the evenings and check their bags and water bottles so all is ready for the morning. I look after most of the life admin (bill paying, kids schedules etc.) as I am generally more organised, we've just found it works better for both of us if I'm on top of all of that rather than have both of us juggle it all.

@GlassLake that's all super helpful thank you. I think you're right, I need to ask him to do more specific tasks. Otherwise he just wouldn't.

I'm not sure whether I'm happy that I'm not alone, or sad that women are in this situation.

Those with older children, do they do chores or are you doing even more now than you did when they were little?

@timeisnotaline I love the 'come to Jesus' chat idea, will you come round to deliver the speech?

And yes, I agree with glasslake - sit down and spell out very clearly what you'll be doing and what he'll be doing. DH found it all easier when he knew that certain jobs were his sole responsibility, i.e. the vacuuming. It's just not an issue now, he does it throughly once a week and the high traffic areas on other days and I just don't worry about it at all any more. Likewise, he knows that he'll get up in the morning and the kids clothes and bags will be ready for him.

It’s not just the jobs allocation though that needs discussing, it’s the fundamental concept that he can choose to work evenings etc. my dh and I can’t just choose to work. He works early in the morning and if I have a meeting I have to arrange it with him. He leaves to pick up the dc and if he can’t do that he needs to pre clear it with me. And If I can’t do pick up he needs to suck it up or find some other solution, I don’t find solutions, and I don’t cancel everything with my work whenever he asks. He will need to leave his work to collect ill children. He will need to schedule some leave to cover school holidays. He will need to accept there is a certain amount of parenting needed and this will impact his work, just like it impacts every active parents work. It sounds like he hasn’t got his head around this.

I only have one baby, so it doesn't really compare! But, I somewhat agree with a previous poster that it's easier to look at free time than what you do. However, that doesn't always work, for example how do you define nights when he is sleeping? I also think that one task that one of you finds boring or difficult, another might find easy, so how does that compare? In the end, I don't think it matters too much who does what if you both feel okay about it. If you are tired, stressed and struggling, then he needs to do more. If he also feels tired, stressed and struggling then you have to work out what can be dropped between you or how you can help each other more. I find it easier if I start a conversation from the point of what I'm finding difficult and how I feel, make it about me and not him. If I start by telling him he's not doing enough he's on the defensive before we get going. If I say I need help (in a general sense), then we seem to get more solutions - sometimes not things id actually thought of either.

I still don’t understand the thing about pick ups. You say your husband does pick ups but you come along with the baby to get her out the house etc? So I’m not sure why your husband needs to be there. Surely you can manage just the pick up with toddler and baby together? I think that’s something to work on. Then you could agree with your husband (and you’d have to be clear about this to ensure he does stop working at 5pm) that he could do all the dinner prep and general tidy up or whatever ready for you to come home to. If you are both feeling stretched it seems stupid for you both to go to pick ups together every day. It doesn’t matter if the baby cries a little bit, pick up only takes 5-10 mins and the nursery won’t care!

I think you need to pick your battles and not expect to live in a clean and tidy house all the time. At that age DH & I tended to plod through the week then the weekends we would work together to get things done. I was home with both toddler & baby full time, no nursery and I felt like no reprieve for such a long time.

There were certain things DH always did though, bins, I hate them so that is firmly his job, bath time was his time with the DCs and getting them ready for bed. Like you my second DC was a nightmare to settle, could take well over an hour and would only ever settle for DH.

I don’t buy into the whole academic thing and him not having time. One of my closest friends is a very dedicated academic but he was always very hands on with his DCs and made plenty of time to do household jobs. His wife is the breadwinner financially and has a far more demanding and full on job but they always work as a team. And to be honest make parenting look easy, but I think that’s because they don’t sweat the small stuff. They are were I got all my cues from when I started my family.

Try to think of you husband as being out of the house when working from home. I work from home now and it's so hard to focus on working with being in the home. Simplify lunches, have a packed lunch type thing rather than a meal.

Then, do what you want to in the day. Evening are always harder so get prepped in the morning, a quick whizz round to tidy up and get a simple meal ready.

Can DH go to collect you other child with baby in the pram instead of sling? Then you can have a bit of time to chill and catch up.

You both sound tired - toddlers going to sleep at 9 is very late and you'll not get much time as a couple. Sounds like you need to reconnect.

Also.. division of labour can't really be compared to other couples do what fits you both and your strengths. No point telling DH then being angry he isn't doing it right

Honestly having a DH that tends to workaholism you've got to frame it in terms of having your personal mental health needs met. Talk to him about the span of his career and how doing a bit less over w couple of years is easily manageable. Be prepared for him not to be particularly rational: sometimes extra working is bound up in habit, or anxiety or self comparisons. Just really clearly state your needs, directly ask him to work less and take it from there.

It’s clear you’ve got all the mental load. That needs to change. If you can’t do chores because the baby is demanding, put them on the list of things you need to share.
He gets 8h work while you do 8h childcare. Then split the rest. I don’t think chores automatically belong to the child carer.
In our house we have divided up and it took a while, but I have now managed to let him get on with it in his own way. He does everything routine, so that’s laundry, dishwasher, bathing the kids, responding to their social invitations and paying for activities.
I do the one offs so all the financial admin, diy, booking holidays, the car. He just doesn’t think ahead.
I’ve never done his family gifts so that was always his job.
I do all the cooking but he cleans up afterwards.
If he doesn’t think that’s fair, reverse the roles for a day or two.
The fact is that having a baby and toddler, with all the wake ups, is gruelling and relentless. He should be ready to shoulder the relentlessness with you and prioritise your family over that extra work hour.
I can see pp don’t agree with me and I admire their capacity. For me, not a natural mother, it was the only way I could survive.
The key is that you’re not the owner of the master list, the default doer. It doesn’t fall to you. You need to set limits and then decide together whether he does more or they simply stop getting done.
Pencil, paper, make him write it down.

@Wherethereshope definitely, both exhausted and I frequently feel disconnected from him and angry/frustrated. My husband manages the toddler's bedtimes and I've said to him in the past we must get her to bed earlier so we have some time to ourselves but he's resistant to any sleep training and I can't force him. Tbf the toddler is very strong-willed so I can see why he's reluctant, but I hardly ever spend time with him and it's affecting our relationship.

@Jaffajiffy I'm more naturally of your view but sounds like others - and more importantly my husband - aren't! Sigh, what you describe sounds great but I just don't know how realistic it is for us.

I always have to remind him that it's his family's birthdays etc. and then pick out present ideas for him to approve or veto. His family communicate with me as he doesn't reply to texts. I know this isn't my responsibility at all but I like them and if I didn't do this we'd speak with them a lot less. Plus I think his parents deserve more than a son who's too busy to text back in a timely manner and send photos of the children.

I know it's hard, try not to compare to others as soon as you get into dreaming of what life would be like if DH did more you'll never feel happy with your own set up.

For us, I do the household stuff and I'm happy with that, to me it's important he gets quality time with DS when back from work rather than chores. I work part time so that suits us, I'd earn more if I worked more hours but that's not what's important for us. When DS was small, I used to see washing up as me time I'd shut the kitchen door and turn up the radio.

DS also was an on me napper for a while, didn't last forever and involved lots of going out in pushchair or car but it worked out. Getting him to nap in something felt like it took forever but got there in the end, I'm sure it will for you too with persistence.

YANBU. Is the split going to remain the same when you go back to work? So you're the main breadwinner but also do most of the household chores? Therein lies relationship breakdown, I think.

Your DH has got into the habit of seeing you doing everything as the status quo and him "helping", I suspect. To break this, you need to make him uncomfortable so he's willing to have a conversation about it.

I'd start with 3 things -

1. Don't cook for him - do 'snack' meals for you and the kids. Batch cook at the weekends and just defrost enough for the three of you.
2. Don't do his laundry.
3. Don't add his stuff to the weekly shop.
4. Don't tidy up his stuff for him. Get a big box, dump everything in there and leave it for him to sort out.

I would say to stop managing his relationship with his family, but if you like them and they're your "friends", so to speak, don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Our circumstances are strikingly similar. Toddler in nursery, I'm on maternity leave with second baby, toddler bedtimes a complete fiasco every night, DH an academic, I'm the higher earner ordinarily. Two big differences - our baby is easy, which I know is pure dumb luck as our first was anything but, and DH fully takes on his share of the mental load.

Typical day:

I get up with baby, empty dishwasher, sort breakfast.
DH gets toddler up, we all have breakfast together.

DH does drop off, I have my shower while baby naps.

During the day I clean up from lunch, do laundry etc, ATM I do a bit of Christmas stuff (behind on this hence being awake at stupid o'clock when the baby is sleeping). Lunch cleanup etc might take a while but I'll get it done before toddler home time.

I do pickup. I was bringing the baby in the double buggy but that's literally the only thing that makes her grumpy and then that was stressing me out when toddler wanted to dawdle etc. So now she goes in with DH in the bouncer while I do pickup and he finishes work. This gives me some much needed one on one time with the toddler.

We all do dinner, bath etc together. DH usually does most of the cooking but it depends on the day, video calling grandparents etc.

I put the baby down, DH does the toddler. Dinner cleaned up by whoever is down first, usually me. We're both usually sitting down by 9, and neither of us stops until everything is done and we can both stop.

DH occasionally works in the evenings but has said unprompted that he knows that's not really a great option for now. He wouldn't dream of working in that busy period from 5 unless absolutely necessary - calls with the US etc.

He does the weekly shop which I probably should take over for now.

We have a cleaner, so no need to do hoovering, bathrooms etc most weeks.

I agree that your big problem will come when you're back at work, and you need to have a serious conversation with your DH about that. You both work, you both have two kids, you both live in the house.

He's an academic - show him the literature on hours of unpaid work done by men Vs women!

Should say also that, if he's working from home, there's no excuse for him not to do 5-10 minutes chores when he takes a coffee break. My DH works very long hours and is now back in the office but I had "trained" him to do this by the time he went back. So now he does 15 minutes of chores every evening when he gets back (usually after 11pm) while cooking his food. It's amazing what a difference that makes. He also helps at weekends.

If your DH has a coffee break 3 times a day, then he could do the following during his breaks each day and it really wouldn't take very long:

• Hoover a room.
• Clean the kitchen surfaces.
• Empty and refill the dishwasher.
• Put a load of washing in/fold a load of dry washing.
• Tidy up toys after bedtime.

I work long hours from home (DS in nursery part-time) and my "breaks" during the day are doing household chores. When I'm fed up with work and need 5 minutes, I do a chore off the list. It's amazing what you can accomplish even in the time it takes the kettle to boil.