Does having a baby make you more organised and less lazy, or do you need to change before becoming a parent?

[raerae7]

I'm in my mid twenties in a LT relationship. I don't want kids just yet, but I would really like to have them when I'm in my thirties.

However, this year I've realised just how much effort it is being a parent. Don't get me wrong, I never ever thought it was easy... But I've started to look at those without kids and I quite like the look of their more relaxed life, even though I feel like I do want to be a parent. The pandemic has made these feelings stronger - watching friends who are parents trying to juggle work and parenting and homeschooling... I just don't envy their lives most of the time. It looks so exhausting. I'm now doubting my ability to be a good parent in the future.

I love time to myself. I love to relax and do nothing. I love to spend time doing my own thing and binge watching TV. I love time spent just me and my partner, and when we haven't spent the evening together for a few days I miss him even though we live together. Honestly, I'm quite lazy. I'm untidy, I'm disorganised. I'm also disabled so I find housework quite difficult and getting up/dressed/out the house for anything other than work is difficult for me. I look at myself and think... Do these traits (and the fact my disability makes life a bit harder) mean I'll be a terrible parent? My partner is great, laid back, would definitely share the parenting rather than leaving it all to me, but would

I am compassionate, empathetic, and caring. I care about people, I feel I would be a very supportive parent especially when it comes to raising an emotionally intelligent child. But is that enough? Does parenthood just force you to become more organised and less lazy, out of necessity? Do I need to change myself and my lifestyle now before I even think about having kids, or should I just enjoy being lazy and relaxed whilst I can?

Would appreciate thoughts, anecdotes, suggestions, etc!

Honestly, I'm quite lazy. I'm untidy, I'm disorganised. I'm also disabled so I find housework quite difficult and getting up/dressed/out the house for anything other than work is difficult for me. I look at myself and think... Do these traits (and the fact my disability makes life a bit harder) mean I'll be a terrible parent?

They wouldn't make you a terrible parent no, but I think you need to think a bit more about whether you really want children. Just the bit about struggling to get up in the morning is enough on it's own really. At 12 months only half of babies are sleeping through the night and some babies can take upto 5 years I'm looking at you DS.

You might get lucky and have a baby who after a few weeks starts sleeping a stretch of 5 hours or more, but you'd be really lucky if you did. Realistically, how easy is that going to be for you and your DP?

Having DC has made me more active and organised, yes, but only because I have to be. It hasn’t made me turn into one of those people who just love being busy and selfless. Honestly I’m still pretty lazy at heart and I still miss the time when I got to have long lie ins and then do things I wanted all weekend.

It is getting easier the older and more self sufficient my kids get. However we are 8 years in and most of my time is still taken up with things that need doing or that the kids enjoy, rather than things I have chosen to do - weekends for example I could take a couple of hours to do a non child friendly hobby, but could not please myself all weekend like before DC.

I spent most of the first 5 years absolutely exhausted. And I don’t have any disability. I just had non sleeping children.

Have a careful think about why you want children. Will you be unhappy if you don’t have them? Or is it more of a “everyone does it” thing? Because it is objectively a much much harder life having DC than not having them.

I don't think being organised makes you a better parent, but I personally think it makes things easier. I am naturally inclined towards routine and structure, which has helped with my daughter (almost two). Another advantage is that she is now quite easy to predict and work around, because the structure of our days stays basically the same. I see more scatty or disorganised friends who have - to my mind - chaotic approaches to bedtime or mealtimes, and I wonder how they cope. But I'm certainly not a "better" parent, it's just a different approach and it's horses for courses.

That said, like PP said, I do think you need to be realistic - if getting up and out is already a struggle, how would you cope with a non-sleeping baby or a with school runs and so on? Do you have support in place?

Can you focus on earning a lot 9f money to afford a lot of help? Eg cleaner. Otherwise your DP needs to step up a lot and the 'laidback' description isn't necessarily the greatest.

However, I don't think you have to have a perfect home to have a happy home. Certainly hope not as ours is a state!

@JingleJohnsJulie

Honestly, I'm quite lazy. I'm untidy, I'm disorganised. I'm also disabled so I find housework quite difficult and getting up/dressed/out the house for anything other than work is difficult for me. I look at myself and think... Do these traits (and the fact my disability makes life a bit harder) mean I'll be a terrible parent?

They wouldn't make you a terrible parent no, but I think you need to think a bit more about whether you really want children. Just the bit about struggling to get up in the morning is enough on it's own really. At 12 months only half of babies are sleeping through the night and some babies can take upto 5 years I'm looking at you DS.

You might get lucky and have a baby who after a few weeks starts sleeping a stretch of 5 hours or more, but you'd be really lucky if you did. Realistically, how easy is that going to be for you and your DP?

Thank you for your honesty. Re the getting up and motivated etc, I can motivate myself to get up when needed, I do work 4 days a week... But I struggle with extreme fatigue (I have fibromyalgia), so I guess I just love to lie in and be lazy on days where I am able to do so, and without a purpose I struggle with motivation. Of course, having a baby or kid to care for and keep occupied would mean I'd have that sense of purpose, which I think would help. Re: not sleeping through the night, I do struggle with sleep already so sleep deprivation is something I'm fairly used to, though I do know it would be on a COMPLETELY new level with a kid especially when they're a baby!

I'm definitely not rushing into it and will think a lot more before making the decision to have or not have kids. A close family member is having a baby next year and perhaps that will provide a lot more insight for me too and help me with my decision. So I won't be rushing - I suppose I just wanted to know whether anyone has managed to change themselves (from being the way I am into a really good parent).

I think it does force you to become those things, so I wouldn’t necessarily say they’re skills someone must acquire in advance of having children. OTOH - you do sound quite ambivalent! Which is entirely sensible - sometimes it is just too hard and definitely sometimes I fantasise about the easier and (in some ways, atm) more fulfilled life I could have if I didn’t have my children. On balance my children are worth all the impossibleness because I did so want them and so want this sort of lifestyle. I will be glad to outgrow some aspects of it and have a bit more time for myself, for sure, but I’m comfortable knowing some of that is years not months IYSWIM. I find it very fulfilling. I don’t really know how it works when you’re more measured about the decision - for me it was just a really emphatic gut YES and some traits I had naturally lent themselves to motherhood and others I really had to learn on the job and so far (coming up to 9 years in) that’s seemed ok.

Typo correction from OP g

My partner is great, laid back as in, not overly structured/organised but is very hardworking in career, he would definitely share the parenting rather than leaving it all to me, but I would probably end up being the full time parent and the responsibility of day to day, school run, etc would probs fall to me

Yes sleep deprivation will be another another level. I can remember crying at one point and getting DH to take the baby fir a drive at 3am because I hadn't slept in 24 hours.

Luckily DC2 came along and was much better but you don't know how your baby is going to sleep and if it is like my DC1 who had a couple of medical things going on as a baby, it makes sleep a whole lot worse.

@pjani

Can you focus on earning a lot 9f money to afford a lot of help? Eg cleaner. Otherwise your DP needs to step up a lot and the 'laidback' description isn't necessarily the greatest.

However, I don't think you have to have a perfect home to have a happy home. Certainly hope not as ours is a state!

Thank you, yes, have already started saving all spare money, have already thought that getting help like employing a cleaner etc would be helpful.

Above I've corrected what I meant by laid back, I mean more that he is similar to me in that routine and structure at home isn't his best trait (just like it isn't mine), but OTOH he is very driven and motivated when it comes to career, and stuff like that is deffo helpful for having a family in terms of finances. By no means is he so laid back or relaxed that he'd leave everything to me, and with my disability he is very supportive and does a lot of the housework etc right now (I work PT he works FT). I guess I worry that if I was to choose to be a FTM after having kids then I may feel I 'should' do all the housework and cooking and life admin etc whilst at home during the day? (it's a very outdated view I know, and that's a pressure I'm putting on myself, not one being applied by my partner)

I'm naturally messy, lazy and disorganized. Having dc definitely made me change. You cannot be disorganized when you have a baby, or even older kids at school. If you forget stuff then you're failing them and it's even more work for you to rectify. I still have room for improvement and I often find myself slinging my clothes on the floor out of habit and have to remind myself I'm a grown adult who bags her DC not to do that!

I don't think you need to change beforehand. I found it happens automatically. In the same way that the effort of looking after yourself is routine, and you probably don't really give it any thought. It is the same looking after DC. It has to be done so you just get on with it.

*nags

I’m not convinced having a baby will make you more organised from my experience it doesn’t mean you are a bad mum either. Everybody has different abilities and when it comes to parenting everyone may be stronger in one area compared to the next person.

It depends on many things number of children, easy child/harder child and family support network. It’s endless OP you can’t really generalise.

I was used to working 55 hours a week in a job where I needed to be super organised I found having a baby more exhausting than I can have imagined - perhaps made worse because I was very unwell after having DD1.

I love my girls and they are the best thing that happened to me but yes you need to be organised. I’m lucky enough to now be a SAHM which means I don’t be as organised as when I was trying to balance working and looking after them but you still need to be fairly organised. Life with young children can also be very monotonous as to keep on top of things I need to have a routine.

One of my friends has decided not to have children as she doesn’t want all the negatives eg lack of sleep, being organised and not having lots of time for herself. She says if she was going to have children she should have done it in her late teens when she had more energy and wasn’t used to freedom.

I do think that having a baby will make you do things because you have to - the homeschooling while wfh that you mention in your OP is a good example. You may not want to do it, but you get on with it because it's for the good of your child and party of being a parent is putting someone else before yourself a lot of the time. That doesn't mean you'll love it though! Think carefully before making the change.

I'm not sure it will make you more organised, nor does it have to. Most people I know sort of middle through and make it work. Far more important is having a partner you can rely on, who will do more than their fair share of household and child related tasks.

In my experience you just get on with it. Both my partner and I are pretty laid back people- I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily lazy as I’ve always worked hard at school and work but like you I’d much rather laze around on my days off than be rushing around doing loads of activities. We obviously have a lot more responsibility now and do have to be more active and organised but you don’t mind doing that for your child. And we’ve kept a pretty laid back approach to parenting- we often have one weekend day mooching around the house and bake and watch tv, and one where we go out and do something

I guess I worry that if I was to choose to be a FTM after having kids then I may feel I 'should' do all the housework and cooking and life admin etc whilst at home during the day? (it's a very outdated view I know, and that's a pressure I'm putting on myself, not one being applied by my partner)

It's within your control to challenge and change those thoughts and behaviours. As well as to discuss and agree intentions with your partner in advance.

You're not helpless in that respect.

My advice is to think very, very long and hard before making the decision to have a baby. To say "it changes everything" is a gross understatement. It's not for everyone.

If I was in your shoes I would have one but only one! The workload of two is unreal. I adore both of mine and would not change a thing but I cannot believe sometimes how much work they generate! The shopping, cooking, constant mess, mountains of washing! And we are fairly relaxed in terms of standards, as in don’t separate laundry, happy to serve chicken nuggets a couple of times a week. I cannot even begin to imagine the workload involved for people with high standards!!

I agree with the above, if you do want a child just have the 1... Or atleast wait till the first is at school before having another. I have 5 children and the bigger age gap between 2 of them was definitely the easiest. Having a 2/3 year old and a young baby is a massive juggle if you struggle with tiredness and ill health.
However I think you would be going into it with your eyes open and would adapt like we all do, get help with the housework and potentially childcare if you return to work and the younger years go so fast that by the time they are of school age, it does get much easier

I have been surprised by the amount of admin and things to remember. For example, for one year of my son’s life he was having an average of two hospital appointments a month, which I had to remember to bring all the paperwork for as they never seemed to have it on their systems. Now he’s at school it’s easier but he still needs his uniform ready, bag packed, homework done etc. Just packing a bag to go out for the day can be a mission - change of clothes for two kids, water, snacks, toys, wipes, nappies - it’s never ending! But some people wing that sort of thing and buy it all on the go.

I'm naturally messy and disorganised and was right up until having kids. I then slowly started to change, more out of necessity than anything else. The more organised and cleaner I was to begin with, the easier all the housework etc felt as it was little bits often instead of one great big tidy. Don't get me wrong, I still have lazy days (like today, sat in bed ignoring all the mess downstairs) but I'm much better than I used to be!

Agree with Debradoyourecall completely.

I think it’s fine to feel ambivalent at this stage, and I also think OP is very sensible and wise to be thinking this through ahead of time.

OP, I would say that you can be disorganised and lazy or, rather, fatigued as a result of having a slightly different body, and have a young child. I have a similar(ish) disability to yours and it is possible to cope, and to do better than cope. I have a wonderful and hands-on DH and we also have a cleaner. There are times when I am writing lots of things down the night before to help myself stay on track the next day, which some NCT mums have poked fun at. There are also times, where DH is able to help, when I have a duvet day and that’s ok and that’s just how our family works.

I’d say three things:

• you sound lovely and thoughtful, and like you’d make a lovely mum as and when you get there;

• sounds silly, but work out who you are, and what your boundaries/standards are while you’re waiting for the right time to have kids: I say that as someone who almost got lost in all the “shoulds” of parenting in the early days, until I did my research and realised half the “expected” stuff is just stupid and not doing certain things doesn’t actually harm your baby - I wish I had felt more empowered to say “no” to certain things sooner and without the feeling of failure;

• try and go on some sort of time management/organisation course at work or online, even if you’re not struggling. Juggling a baby is a new sort of challenge and I have found some of the techniques like writing a four-headed to-do list the night before really useful on mat leave despite sometimes quietly sneering at work colleagues who used them in the office, because I never needed to.

Something else to consider, albeit I’m obviously very biased. Our DD is 18m and both DH and I have a genuinely lovely bond with her. She’s equally happy to go to both of us for comfort, we have lots of silly funny moments in our days and she is the sweetest and calmest little person. I sometimes wonder whether “being lazy” and letting her lounge with me in bed for the morning when she was younger or sitting on the floor for ages while she played around me has given us the time and space to really connect. And with DH being fully involved, again, I wonder if our circumstances have helped here too. Of course we may have just got lucky, but a fair few books recommend to “just be” with them for part of the day. There’s no single way to do “good parenting”, and all any of us can ever hope to be is good enough. From my perspective, your situation definitely doesn’t have to be a disaster. Far from it!

If you wanted a more practical take, have a look at a book called Your Baby Week By Week. It tells you what’s likely to happen for the first 6 months. It’s really good for planning ahead.

@StargazyDrifter - thank you so much. I can't explain how much your message has helped. Hearing from someone else with a disability who can and does manage parenting is really helpful.

I think you're right - I'm FATIGUED, not necessarily 'lazy'. I get very self critical and call myself lazy. It wasn't always this way - I worked so hard at school, college, and uni. Before I got sick, I loved busy weekends and exploring new places, I always dreamed of being a Mom that could have a big family and keep up with her many kids and a good career all at once. But now, with this illness and my exhaustion, my lazy weekends are a means of survival. I compare myself to others who can have two busy days at the weekend, like I used to, and I look at myself - barely able to manage one busy weekend day after the working week - and feel 'less than'. So your comment really validated me and I really appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing your tips, wisdom and experience.