Page 2 | Does having a baby make you more organised and less lazy, or do you need to change before becoming a parent?

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minipie · 13/12/2020 23:35

But now, with this illness and my exhaustion, my lazy weekends are a means of survival.

In that case, isn’t it a question of whether your OH is willing to do most of the childcare at weekends so you can have a rest? If he isn’t and you won’t get that rest, you won’t manage. It doesn’t sound like he’s the type who will do that.

It sounds to me like you have two options; 1) have DC, but give up a large part of everything else (career, social life, hobbies, exercise) - or 2) keep your current life with job, recovery weekends etc but give up having DC.

Sorry to be so negative but that’s the reality for many women even without a medical condition to contend with. Especially given your DH will clearly expect you to be the primary parent.

peapotter · 13/12/2020 23:49

I would separate organisation and energy levels.

I don’t think you need to be organised to be a parent, at least not if you have low standards like me. Clean nappies, any clothes, some food in the fridge, and some toys nearby and you’re good for the day. Much easier than work. Especially if you stay home. Even with older kids I don’t worry about being organised, we are quite spontaneous and live simply.

Energy levels are another thing. I am low energy and have had to cut down on so much for the baby years. Kids really are full on, and the extra sleep you need will eat into your time with your dh, which can damage your relationship. I would consider making sure you have enough support or money to get a break during the week from 6mo+ so that you don’t use up all your energy on the baby.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/12/2020 03:00

@raerae7

I'm in my mid twenties in a LT relationship. I don't want kids just yet, but I would really like to have them when I'm in my thirties.

However, this year I've realised just how much effort it is being a parent. Don't get me wrong, I never ever thought it was easy... But I've started to look at those without kids and I quite like the look of their more relaxed life, even though I feel like I do want to be a parent. The pandemic has made these feelings stronger - watching friends who are parents trying to juggle work and parenting and homeschooling... I just don't envy their lives most of the time. It looks so exhausting. I'm now doubting my ability to be a good parent in the future.

I love time to myself. I love to relax and do nothing. I love to spend time doing my own thing and binge watching TV. I love time spent just me and my partner, and when we haven't spent the evening together for a few days I miss him even though we live together. Honestly, I'm quite lazy. I'm untidy, I'm disorganised. I'm also disabled so I find housework quite difficult and getting up/dressed/out the house for anything other than work is difficult for me. I look at myself and think... Do these traits (and the fact my disability makes life a bit harder) mean I'll be a terrible parent? My partner is great, laid back, would definitely share the parenting rather than leaving it all to me, but would

I am compassionate, empathetic, and caring. I care about people, I feel I would be a very supportive parent especially when it comes to raising an emotionally intelligent child. But is that enough? Does parenthood just force you to become more organised and less lazy, out of necessity? Do I need to change myself and my lifestyle now before I even think about having kids, or should I just enjoy being lazy and relaxed whilst I can?

Would appreciate thoughts, anecdotes, suggestions, etc!

I have dyslexia and dyspraxia it means left to my own devices I’m really disorganised. I am also naturally lazy - I would quite happily sit in a room with a good book and let the washing / cleaning pile up if given half a chance. The trick was finding an organisation system that worked but eventually, after starting IVF, we found it and it totally changed my life. It was a Family Google Calender managed via our phones!!

After DS we did go a bit into survival mode in which only really essential tasks were completed until 12 weeks. But afterwards we managed to fall back into our routine again.

Basically all chores, tasks, lists, appointments for everything in both of your lives goes into your family calender. Then both of you know what needs to be done so it can be done. DH and I don’t really care who does something as long as it’s done - so he ends up cleaning / filing / nursery pick ups and drop offs and I end up cooking / organising appointments and gifts a lot. But as we have our lives in that diary we know when we can’t be available for certain things.

Try it and see how it goes. The online diary works for my dyslexia but you could use a physical one instead.

Original poster

raerae7 · 14/12/2020 11:48

@minipie

But now, with this illness and my exhaustion, my lazy weekends are a means of survival.

In that case, isn’t it a question of whether your OH is willing to do most of the childcare at weekends so you can have a rest? If he isn’t and you won’t get that rest, you won’t manage. It doesn’t sound like he’s the type who will do that.

It sounds to me like you have two options; 1) have DC, but give up a large part of everything else (career, social life, hobbies, exercise) - or 2) keep your current life with job, recovery weekends etc but give up having DC.

Sorry to be so negative but that’s the reality for many women even without a medical condition to contend with. Especially given your DH will clearly expect you to be the primary parent.

Don't worry, it's not negative, it's realistic and I appreciate that.

I think I've accidentally made DP sound way less fab than he is. In our lives right now, he does 80% of the housework so I can spend time resting instead. I know on weekends he'd get up early with DC so that I could sleep off my fatigue if I was struggling (ofc I'd be bound to be tired especially if I'm waking up for bfeeding or whatever), just like he gets up early on weekends to sort the house out now. I guess I'm more worried that
A) I don't want to be the parent that's always asleep... I just hope I build up far more resilience to fatigue (as most parents have to)
B) I worry about the weekday things. I'd need to challenge my perception that I need to do 100% of childcare and housekeeping, just because he's bringing 100% of the income

The idea of being FTM (especially whilst they're aged 0 to 4, before school) appealing to me. The way I feel right now is that like to be home with them and not have to be concerned about my work. DP's career gives more pay than mine, he is also far more driven and more suited to being the "breadwinner" (for various reasons including that I'm disabled - we both did the same degree at the same uni so theoretically I could have a successful career too but right now I'm not so fussed about it, I just work to pay the bills). Because of that, naturally it would be me on parental leave and potentially me who gives up my work to be a FTM, at least whilst DC are little. I'm OK with doing that in theory (in practice I know I'd struggle in the same way that every mum does - feeling a lack of identity due to always being 'just mum' etc).

I suppose this thread is partly me figuring out what to do, and partly asking you MN's with experience of parenting whether the skills and traits I'm worried I don't have - organisation, being energetic, etc - are things that just come naturally or things that I need to work on heavily before even thinking about TTC. I hope that makes sense and thanks for your help.

OP posts:

EllieQ · 14/12/2020 12:25

Do you have family nearby who would help? We don’t, which means we never get a break unless DD is at school/ childcare. I didn’t realise how difficult this would be - it would be lovely to have grandparents nearby who could take her out to the park for a couple of hours. We have used babysitters for evenings out, but I couldn’t relax as much as I’d expected. You’re always on, basically, and lazy weekends doing nothing are a thing of the past when they’re young.

You do need to be organised - in the early years, it’s all about having nappies/ change of clothes/ snacks whenever you go out, then at school there’s lots of things to keep track of (non-uniform/ Comic Relief/ Children in Need/ Xmas events etc), and it’s your children who will miss out and be upset if you forget.

Most children thrive on a routine, so you need to be providing breakfast, lunch, and dinner at regular times, have set bedtimes, etc - it sounds boring, because it is, but it makes life run more smoothly. I’ve also found that we need to take DD (age 5) out for exercise every day, otherwise she gets a bit stir-crazy and grumpy. That’s why we were out for a walk in the pouring rain yesterday!

I have a chronic disease that affects my energy levels, and it is hard to get the rest you need. During a bad patch I was coming home from work, resting for an hour, eating dinner with DH & DD, then going to bed. I’m very aware that DH does more than me some weekends, and I know that’s hard for him. Your DH sounds supportive when you need to rest now, but will that continue when doing everything at the weekends includes looking after a small child without a break, after a full week at work? Especially if you’re a SAHM, as that can shift the power balance in relationships.

I could see that me having to rest so much during the disease flare-up affected DD too, as I was spending less time with her. That was hard to deal with.

I’d also say that being a SAHM during the early years is hard work - I used to joke I went to work for a rest, as I was sitting at a desk and having adult conversation and uninterrupted cups of tea, instead of running around after a toddler!

Abouttimemum · 14/12/2020 13:03

I’m lazy and disorganised and I have a 20 month old. He’s amazing.
You’ll find you just get on with it to be honest.
The key to getting time on your own is having a good partner. Not one of those lazy man children that some people appear to have.
DS is asleep by 7 every night so we always get a couple of hours together.
And we used to each have a weekend lie in but we’re both terrible for wanting to get up with him now as he’s at nursery in the week and we just want to get up and have fun with him on a weekend.
I never wanted kids FYI for many of the reasons you mentioned. I changed my mind at 36 and the fact that we’d done most of the things we wanted before DS arrived has probably helped.
Also I don’t worry about housework, as long as it’s surface clean and the hoover’s had a run around then that’s fine. I’ll never ever look back on my life and wish I’d done more housework.
It is hard, no doubt, but more in a mentally relentless way than anything else. I’ve never worried about another human so much in my life.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/12/2020 13:09

Most children thrive on a routine, so you need to be providing breakfast, lunch, and dinner at regular times, have set bedtimes, etc - it sounds boring, because it is, but it makes life run more smoothly. I’ve also found that we need to take DD (age 5) out for exercise every day, otherwise she gets a bit stir-crazy and grumpy. That’s why we were out for a walk in the pouring rain yesterday

This is important but I know plenty of people who don’t have set meal or bed times for their kids (most of the Indian parents I know don’t) and they still thrive. I think the most important thing is for you to be honest about what you and your DH can do together and what you need and can afford to buy in.

For example you could buy in a cleaner, use premade bottles / breastfeed to minimise prep, decide you’ll only spoonfeed the baby pouches initially (minimises cleaning), or buy in a childcare support / night nurse from the start.

Kippure · 14/12/2020 13:09

@user42579522

I guess I worry that if I was to choose to be a FTM after having kids then I may feel I 'should' do all the housework and cooking and life admin etc whilst at home during the day? (it's a very outdated view I know, and that's a pressure I'm putting on myself, not one being applied by my partner)

It's within your control to challenge and change those thoughts and behaviours. As well as to discuss and agree intentions with your partner in advance.

You're not helpless in that respect.

Absolutely. That's the part of your OP that would give me pause, not being 'lazy' (ill) or disorganised.

From my point of view, having a child doesn't change you at all. I am exactly the person I was, but with a child. Some people would disagree, I realise, but when deciding whether or not to have a child, you are safest imagining that the person you are now is having that child. So you are exactly yourself the same personality, habits, disability level, preferences, role in your relationship but with a baby.

Abouttimemum · 14/12/2020 13:10

Also OP, with DS I was on mat leave for a year. During weekday days both DH and I had our responsibilities. After our ‘work’ days it’s 50/50, overnight and weekends.
It’s better to have two parents who are a bit tired, than one who is fully rested while the other is on their knees with exhaustion and depression.
It’s definitely not 100% your job during weekdays.

Does having a baby make you more organised and less lazy, or do you need to change before becoming a parent?

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