How do you decide when to stop breastfeeding?

[Lelophants]

I have a 13 month old who still breastfeeds a lot. He's being really difficult with solids at the moment too and feeds a lot at night (may also be teething related). I just can't decide when to start reducing really. He's never taken a bottle and whenever he's been with family he just waits for me to come back before he drinks milk. They've tried him with cow's milk and he tends to spit it out completely disgusted! Only likes it quite disguised in porridge. He likes yoghurt though. So I do worry about his dairy intake without it.

I like the idea of self weaning and want to be gentle with him, plus I understand the benefits of extended breastfeeding. However I would also love him to start reducing feeds. 😂 For one thing he has started grabbing at me quite angrily when he wants milk (especially if I've tried to leave it a while and use other milk instead). I dont think I want to get to the point where he is undressing me and wanting it all the time when there are technically other options. I'm actually happier doing it at night, but all methods I see are about night weaning first.

I just can't see me wanting to still do it when he's 2 (I just think I'll be 'done!) Is there any chance I can gently convince him earlier? How do you know?

Also I think extended breastfeeding is awesome by the way! I'm just not sure I want to do it much longer.

My friends are either still breastfeeding 3 year olds or stopped around 6 months so can't really help me.

I was touched out by 16 months and started to dread/resent feeds so I knew it was time to give up.

I cut down feeds over a week, stopping as soon as she got distracted or started mucking about and offered other stuff before offering a feed.

Tbh DD was probably using it more as a comfort at that point and it didn't take much to wean her off so I think she was ready.

Does he feed to sleep? Does he feed for comfort? If so, I'd drop those first and replace them with other settling methods. Then, if there's anything he really likes to eat, start giving him that instead of milk when he asks for it. Wear high necked tops and a molded cup bra, too.

I stopped with DD1 at a few months past 2, DD2 is still feeding at 22 months.

DD1 - I stopped when she stopped falling asleep with it. She barely fed during the day any more and didn't nap, so it was just to get to sleep, and I had regular nights away (work) from around 20 months so knew she could be settled without overnight. So when she was no longer falling asleep I thought what's the point anymore! Plus she was old enough for me to explain and talk her through a gradual stop. It was fine.

DD2 I feel a lot more touched out by, she's been much more demanding due to me being accessible all the time with lockdown. She doesn't feed if we're out, or at nursery, so I know she CAN manage fine without - she just wants it more if we're at home. However, she can go to sleep without feeding already at night - I still rely on it for naps though so will probably carry on until she gives those up!

With regard to being demanding, I just stick firm with a "no" and distract, distract, distract!

By all that, what I meant to say was - stop when the time feels right for you. If you're happy to carry on, then carry on, but you can be firm with boundaries about feeding behaviour and frequency. If you feel ready to stop and would rather, then you're fine to stop too! I honestly waited so long in part because I didn't know how to stop 🤣

At 4 days for DD and 7 days for DS. No milk due to pcos. Absolute nightmare. Formula was right for us.

@Bluewavescrashing

At 4 days for DD and 7 days for DS. No milk due to pcos. Absolute nightmare. Formula was right for us.

How is that relevant to OP's question about stopping feeding her 1yr old?

Answering the OP's question in her title.

It was the right time for us.

@Bluewavescrashing

Answering the OP's question in her title.

It was the right time for us.

Did you read the post, the specific situation she's asking for help with?

I stopped with my first at 13 months. He was only feeding morning and night at that point.

I think the important thing to remember for you is that at 1 he no longer needs milk. If he refuses cows milk, that's ok, if you decide to not offer a breastfeed, it's ok for him to go without milk at that point.

Yes, he will cry, but he will be ok.

For you, I'd try to get it to morning and night first. During the day wear a non nursing bra and more complex clothes so he can't get it. Distract with food if he asks for it. If daddy is around, get him to start putting down for daytime sleeps and you leave the house.

If not possible put him down and hold his hand sat next to him until he falls asleep. Gradually move further away until he doesn't need you there to sleep.

Good luck.

For what it's worth, my daughter self weaned at 17 months.

That’s a good point by @Twizbe that he doesn’t need any form of milk at 13 months. My eldest went off breast feeding around that time and we just switched to water, even before bed, as he didn’t like cows milk that much at the time. Now he’s a bit older he asks for it in the day. You could up your son’s cheese and yogurt etc if you are worried.

It is good advice to distract, offer snacks and if possible have someone else go in to comfort him at night and offer water instead.

18 months is considered the earliest you can gently night wean on an extended breastfeeding group I'm on (breastfeeding older babies and beyond on Facebook) because they generally understand enough by then to do it gently. Worked very well with my eldest.

With my first, my period had returned five months after birth, my Dr told me I could go on the pill and my milk would be fine. It wasn't, I dried up in two weeks . I tried everything to re-establish, but no joy.
With my second, at 10 months he bit me hard enough to draw blood. I tried to wean him, but he co slept, and would help himself sometimes in the wee hours, so it was about 18 months before he stopped fully.

WHO guidelines suggest feed until 2. Once someone tells me a rule (well, guideline) I have to stick to it because I'm odd, so I fed my DD to 2 on the day, currently feeding 15 month old and plan to feed to 2 but having very similar issues - he's starting to pull at my top at the worst moments and he feeds a lot at night.

My strategy is dont offer but don't refuse although I do try to distract. It does make me feel closer to him though as he spends a lot of time in nursery, he also has dairy allergy so needs calcium etc. I would suggest looking at calcium guidelines for age, they need a lot. Obviously if your DS can have cheese and yogurt then that helps but so check how much he'll need a day.

My feeling is that once my DS has all his teeth then comfort feeding should reduce and I'll be a bit more strict then about when he feeds and wind down completely by 2.

I day weaned at 18months for various reasons, but mostly because I was ready to reduce it. I think extended breastfeeding is great but it has to work for both of you and it is ok to stop. More than ok, it is good to stop or reduce if it isn’t working for you.

Like you, I read all the advice suggesting nightweaning first but I was happy night feeding and so I day weaned. Around that time my friend had gone back to work so her child had no choice but to only feed at night and that helped me feel it must be possible. I began by not feeding when we were out and about - I never minded feeding in public but it was a clear boundary- then wearing non-nursing clothes and choosing a time where I could enlist my husband to distract DS a lot. Luckily DS loves his food and so desirable snacks were distracting! I gave DS a very basic explanation and he adapted well with a few wobbles. I did feel bad during the wobbles but I am really glad that I stuck to weaning and I think if I had given up on day weaning at those moments, it would have taken a lot longer.

A few months later I dropped all feeds except morning and night (we did this by my husband co sleeping for a week) and finished with those a couple of months after he turned 2. I explained the milk was all gone like the orange juice in the carton and he accepted that. The very end of breastfeeding went shockingly smoothly given how much he loved it!

22mo with dc1 (I was pregnant but didn't know it yet, I'd been enjoying bf less for a while but suddenly hated it when I got pregnant)

Dc2 15mo, he was less bothered anyway

Both times I reduced by only feeding after meals, then reducing that so it was only after breakfast and dinner, then only after dinner.

Once you make the rule and stick to it, it's not that hard. You have more autonomy than you think!

What is it with people like @Bluewavescrashing reading the title and then answering with something totally irrelevant, because they don't even bother to read the OP?!! Wow.

I really struggled with all mine and the earliest I managed to do it was 18 months and it was done against my wishes really as I was badly advised by a health visitor.

One of my daughters was feeding all the time she could and when she was 2yrs 8mths I couldn't take it anymore. I was pregnant and had to stop because I miscarry when breastfeeding pregnant (hormone issues) so that made me persevere and we just had to go cold turkey. It was dire and the fight lasted 2 weeks.
I would suggest, above, a don't offer don't refuse approach for a couple of weeks, wear inhibiting clothes (I wore sports bras) and just not sitting down! And distracting. I would also add that once you can stop the nights it does get easier but this is a real cold turkey thing. You'll need to get someone else to take over the nights and get yourself some ear plugs.

Past a year kids don't need dairy. They need a healthy diet (which can include dairy if you wish) but dairy is NOT necessary so don't worry.

I fed DD 1 for about 18 months, although her feeds diminished rapidly once I'd returned to work full time when she was 9 months. My son, on the other hand, stopped feeding at 2 and a half. He's nearly 3 and still asks for booby. I had to be quite strict saying no initially.

13 months is a really full on age ime. The child is turning from baby to toddler and their horizons are expanding. Returning to their secure place (and spending all night on the boob) is normal after a busy day getting to grips with life.
There are still big benefits to both of you from not ending breastfeeding now.
My second dc is down to one or two feeds a day, he'll be 4 in Feb. I've fed my children for over 7 years consecutively. Life is incredibly intense at the moment, I'm glad. he is ready to stop, the next phase of my life is beginning.

When it became irritating. Baby woukd not stay on. 3 months!

@clockstop I think the WHO guidelines are based on info from countries where clean water is not a given - so prevention of diarrhoea is much better when breastfeeding and that's why health outcomes are better.

One of Emily Oster's books has stuff on the data behind it, can't remember if it's expecting better or cribsheet but the contents page would tell you.

Breastfeeding has many positives but I think having a mother and baby who aren't annoyed by each other is also valuable!

Stopped at 14 months both times. I was fairly regimented about it. Started solids at 6 months and by 7 months had moved from bf on demand to 4 times a day timed around food.

At 11, 12, 13 and 14 months I then reduced each feed by one. So at 11 months changed the mid-morning one to a snack, same at mid-afternoon at 12 months then the morning and evening ones changed to cow's milk one month at a time.

Also with DC1 I was pregnant again at 14 months and I really wanted to be done. I had a really strong desire for DC2 to have the same bit of me dedicated to them so wanted all my milk to be for them by the time they were born and didn't want to be tandem feeding.

And just to be clear that is no judgement on anyone tandem feeding, it just wasn't for me.

Others have already given good advice on reducing feeds and stopping, but something that stood outside from your post to me was that it is the demanding/grabbing that is most annoying to you.

If you're happy to keep feeding, or slowly reduce, then it's worth working on nursing manners to keep the nursing relationship happy for both of you. Just as you would explain to your baby about not snatching food from you, or not grabbing at another child, you can teach him not to demand and grab at you. At 13 months they can understand a lot of words, and definitely pick up routines and patterns, so I'd start by physically blocking his grabbing hand with yours and saying a short clear sentence about "gentle hands please. We will have milk when we have sat down/finished lunch/etc". Be consistent with it and don't let him grab/hurt you - if he grabs then stop the feed, boob away, gentle explanation "grabbing hurts me, so we will stop milk time now". When the grabbing moment has passed then offer more if you/he want to.

Thinking of nursing as a two way relationship really helped me set boundaries to keep nursing pleasant/acceptable to me. I won't be pinched/grabbed/bitten - those things mean the boob goes away for a while until things calm down. I have fed for extended times with all my children, but only because it felt ok to do so because things were civil!

Cut down gradually from 1ish and gave up completely at 16 and a half months.

Primary reason was ds just wasn't bothered any more / was losing interest.

Lots of other little reasons too e.g contraception-related.

For me, it was just when the negatives outweighed the benefits. I stopped feeding DD at 20 months when the convenience for sleep, comfort etc was outweighed by me being touched out (mostly because she started TWIDDLING the other one - not envy). If I hadn't have developed such an aversion we would probably still be going now.