High needs baby, can’t take him outside

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Any advice appreciated!

I have a 15 week old DS who has so far been a very difficult baby. Colic, lots of problems with feeding, tongue tie, etc. Also a traumatic birth/postnatal stay in hospital. I suspect I have PND which I am seeking counselling for. As much as I love him, I was totally unprepared for being a new mum (especially during Covid) and my mum wasn’t the best growing up so I have very little experience of what a good mum looks like.

My DS used to like being in the carrier and I used to take him out for long walks. As he has gotten older, he has started to hate it with a passion - screams hysterically when he is being put in it. He will fall asleep after about 10 minutes of brisk walking, but if it’s his awake time he will scream bloody murder. I think he associates it with being put down for a sleep. His head isn’t strong enough to have him facing out in it yet, but I’ve tried it and it seems like he just hates being restrained.

He also hates the pram and the buggy attachment. I have tried other slings/carriers and I don’t drive. I have also tried pretty much every type of dummy, he just spits them back out.

I should add, I have an extreme reaction to his crying. It triggers me much more than normal, if he cries for longer than a couple of minutes I cry as well and had so many panic attacks when he was a newborn and cried all the time. He is better now, but still very fussy and difficult to please.

Any advice?! I am going stir crazy and need to leave the house! I am so anxious to go anywhere with him and we both end up so stressed. I took him out in the carrier a few days ago on the bus, and he cried hysterically on and off all night when we got home.

Just wanted to let you know my LO was exact same. Pram/car seat/carrier/high chair/swing suddenly absolutely hated being restrained. It was over LD and i have to admit I ended up just staying in and playing in garden. She eventually grew out of it but it was tough and I cried a lot.

Try to avoid unnecessary trips, be kind to yourself and just do whatever helps. Sorry I have nothing more helpful to add but didnt want to read and run.

So he cried hysterically when you got home? I don't think that's the carrier or being restrained.

Sounds like both my DC though who had cmpa.

What about going out after he has been fed? I used to find that this worked as he was ready to sleep after a feed and settled more quickly.

My DS was exactly like this and I don't drive either. I was and still am very isolated because I just can't go out. He refused slings, carriers, would tolerate the pushchair (forward facing from 4 months) in small doses. He hates the car seat when my DH drives us anywhere, we can't go anywhere more than 20 minutes drive away. In the end we bought him a trike when he was around 8 months old (he's almost 1 now) which he doesn't kick off in, but obviously that's not practical for a lot of places or in the rain etc. He does tolerate the pushchair now a lot more than he used to, and it's easier now I can give him snacks, or a book or toy to distract him. No advice I'm afraid but solidarity, high needs babies are tough.

Thanks @everdaymumma, it’s good to know I’m not alone. How old was your little one before they grew out of it?

@ClockstopI went out with him during the day and timed it for his longest nap of the day (2 hours) and on the bus back he woke up. There was traffic all the way home and he was screaming trying to squirm out of the carrier and I was standing up trying to jiggle him back to sleep. Once we got home he screamed and screamed more than normal. I calmed him down eventually but he was unsettled for the rest of the evening and woke up a few more times in the night than normal (he sleeps quite well, 2/3 wake ups normally). It caused both of us so much stress! I don’t think he has CMPA, none of the giveaway symptoms. He feeds quite well now (FF).

@cansu I always time our trips out to coincide with his nap time, ever since he started to show a dislike to the carrier. But his naps are only so long, and he still shrieks until he’s asleep. It’s made me so reluctant to put us both through that.

Thanks @ReySky, yes he hates the car seat now too. He used to love it when he could just fall asleep on demand, but now he is more aware and just isn’t having any of it. It’s tough seeing other mums and their chilled out babies walking serenely, and their baby is just watching the world go by. I know I shouldn’t compare but impossible not to

Its impossible not to compare and I always find myself wondering what their secret is when I see a chilled out baby.

She gradually got better from about 7 months. Coincided with starting to crawl and some independence I think. Shes great in car seat now but still only tolerates carrier/pram for short bursts and wont sleep in either. It just makes life 100x harder and more stressful.

Mine was exactly like this till about 5 months. I found playing music on my phone in the stroller helped, going out just after feeds and having a toy. She is still only good for about 15 minutes In the pram at 6 months but is happy in her baby bjorn sling for over an hour.

I hear you - 15 week old baby with reflux, suspected CMPA.... never stops screaming. Hates everything, including being held, sat on knee, dummy.... ive seen numerous paeditricians who just try something new cause it's "trial and error". Honestly, hardest 16w of my life (and today was the worst day yet!) and can't see light at the end of the tunnel. Thinking of you and praying it gets better xxx

You are definitely not alone. Just reading that triggered my last nerve. I have a 5 year old only child. I love her more than life itself, but oh my word, nothing could console her. I swear, she hated being a baby. Once she could move around independently and talk, life got so much better. I had to take each 20 minutes at a time, trial and error, if you find something that works, stick with it. We sang the same random nursery rhyme repeatedly for a year. Her ears pricked up at a cheeky song on Family Guy one night wayyyyy to late for her to be awake, that distracted her so she'd calm down and feed so she'd go to sleep. Wheeling the pram over the door saddle for the bumps, watching daddy have a shower, classic FM. Dancing to Bony M at Christmas time (and right up until Easter), only feeding lying down, the washing machine on spin cycle. We couldn't walk outside in the pram, contemplate a sling, go for a drive, eat sleep, go shopping, visit anyone, have visitors. Find the "thing", do it, keep an eye out for the next "thing", and be ready to switch it up at a moment's notice. I promise you though, it will get easier. Get help. Have a break and a shower. Drink coffee outside and get some daylight into your skin ♥️

Ds was like this, crying after trips out. For him it was because he was overtired. I found patting him to sleep with baby womb sounds (a skill on Alexa) playing loudly in the background did the trick.

@TripleSeptic thank you, that was really useful advice.

Fwiw my DD's only symptom was screaming, always worse when scrunched up.

@everdaymumma I know. It’s so unfair, it makes me wonder sometimes was it something I did or ate while I was pregnant? And will he be like this forever, just really unhappy with everything.

@LH1987 sending you love, I hope it continues to get better!

@Loli2020 I hear the 4/5 month mark onwards is the time things improve, thanks for your kind words!

@TripleSeptic thank you for this. I think I just have to accept there is no magic solution and some days will be better than others, and some things may work sometimes. My son will also be an only child, there is no way I’m ever doing this again.

@GrumpyHoonMain he does love white noise, but he needs something a bit more industrial, like the extractor fan turned up to max or the hairdryer at the highest setting. We keep a hairdryer plugged in by the changing mat for this reason!

@Clockstop that’s interesting, I always suspected something a bit off with his feeding but he always gained weight so it was never investigated. I didn’t know that it could only present with one symptom.

My 3rd had silent reflux, gained weight, screamed when awake lots and lots her posset used to be curdled.

It was horrific and felt I wasn't believed and fobbed off with it being "a touch of colic".

I returned to work when she was 5 months to get 2 days off from her screaming!

We keep a hairdryer plugged in by the changing mat for this reason

DD was similar up until we got her reflux sorted, my heart goes out to you. On the white noise, DD laughed in the face of Ewan the Sheep, it just wasn't loud enough.

There's a white noise app called Sound Sleeper which is free and has loads of different sounds, one of which is a hairdryer. Because I was able to increase the volume on my phone to a DD acceptable level it became a much more reliable source of comfort for her.

Mine still won’t sleep in a bed on her own for long, at most 30 minutes! I am spending another night in an armchair while she sleeps on me. I feel I’ve missed some important lesson at school that would tell me how to fix this!

Hope it improves for you soon OP!

@LH1987, read up on safe co-sleeping so you can lie down. I didn't know about it when my baby was wee, but as she got bigger, that's what we did, to the point that I climbed in the cot with her every night until she was past 2. Then we side-carred the cot to the bed with one side off the cot. Then we moved house and got her a double and I still lie with her to get her to sleep. The day is coming where she won't need that. I found the path of least resistance and it kept me sane. There will be mummies rolling their eyes at me, but I know my child, and I don't regret one minute of putting her to sleep in her entire life, because she knows I'm there for her always. Then I get up, eat all the treats, have a cuppa and go to bed happy and she sleeps through. I never thought I'd see the day. You will get there too ♥️

Thanks @jbee1979, I honestly currently have tears in my eyes because I feel someone has acknowledged that there is sometimes nothing you can do. I am so sick of hearing ‘you are making a rod for your own back’ etc. I have tried everything, I have read every book, I own every product and short of hiring a witch to preform a ritual to make her sleep on her own in her cot (or three different kinds of cots in her case) there is no more I can do. I am going to lean into it and read up on safe co sleeping as you have suggested. Thank you.

My motto was "this too will pass" when DD was small. Acknowledging that you're disappointed you're not getting the baby experience you dreamed of is so important; you can be sad for you and your baby.

After the usual months of trying all sorts of medications, one doctor directed me to the purple crying website, which totally changed my mindset. It stopped me being fixated on which medicine would 'fix' her and instead just accept that ' this too shall pass'. I got help for my PND, and in time DD got better and I'd now the most chilled baby.

I think @countdowner has given some great advice about mindset and I just wanted to add something: would it help if you saw yourself as your son’s teacher, helping him get used to the things he finds difficult in the world?

So for example I had a baby who hated having her nappy changed. Unlike walks, this wasn’t optional! So I tried to think of it like I was helping her get used to this scary/unpleasant experience for her by being as kind and firm as possible (telling her I’d be quick but we did have to do it now etc. ) I don’t pretend it made the slightest difference to her but it helped me a ton and babies get used to most things given time.

So if you reframed it like “today we’re going to get you used to being in your carrier, I know it’s not your favourite thing but fresh air is important for you and important for mummy” would that help a bit? Good luck!! It’s not easy.

As Clockstop says, don't dismiss CMPA - that level of screaming may well indicate silent reflux caused by it. My first was the same - a lot of screaming and very serious - when I stopped having any dairy or soya (she was reacting through my breast milk) age 5 months ish, it was like the sun came out.

I see you say you've tried different carriers etc, but just wanted to check whether you've tried a stretchy wrap like a Moby? The slight pressure was v soothing for my baby (who's now taller than me ).

Can you describe a bit more about what you feel is a bit "off" about the feeding?

Interestingly my screamer with silent reflux is intolerant to cows milk which she worked out as a teen, hmmmm.

Yes @TheCraicDealer, we got gifted a Ewan the Sheep very kindly, but it’s not nearly loud enough. I’ve tried the Sound Sleeper app, but the sounds only play for 1 hour 15 min and he needs something on all night. I’m using the White Noise a Deep Sleep app which plays for 8 hours.

@countdowner I went through a phase of blaming myself for him being a difficult baby. I was a wreck when he was born and I was certain I’d passed my stress on to him through my breastmilk (before I switched to formula)