High needs baby, can’t take him outside

[goldendeliciousapple]

Any advice appreciated!

I have a 15 week old DS who has so far been a very difficult baby. Colic, lots of problems with feeding, tongue tie, etc. Also a traumatic birth/postnatal stay in hospital. I suspect I have PND which I am seeking counselling for. As much as I love him, I was totally unprepared for being a new mum (especially during Covid) and my mum wasn’t the best growing up so I have very little experience of what a good mum looks like.

My DS used to like being in the carrier and I used to take him out for long walks. As he has gotten older, he has started to hate it with a passion - screams hysterically when he is being put in it. He will fall asleep after about 10 minutes of brisk walking, but if it’s his awake time he will scream bloody murder. I think he associates it with being put down for a sleep. His head isn’t strong enough to have him facing out in it yet, but I’ve tried it and it seems like he just hates being restrained.

He also hates the pram and the buggy attachment. I have tried other slings/carriers and I don’t drive. I have also tried pretty much every type of dummy, he just spits them back out.

I should add, I have an extreme reaction to his crying. It triggers me much more than normal, if he cries for longer than a couple of minutes I cry as well and had so many panic attacks when he was a newborn and cried all the time. He is better now, but still very fussy and difficult to please.

Any advice?! I am going stir crazy and need to leave the house! I am so anxious to go anywhere with him and we both end up so stressed. I took him out in the carrier a few days ago on the bus, and he cried hysterically on and off all night when we got home.

@FudgeSundae this is part of the reason why I think I need counselling, I am the worlds biggest pushover and very passive. It’s not in my nature to teach or instruct, and obviously I can’t be like this with a child.

@JeanMichelBisquiat I haven’t tried the Moby actually. I will see if I can find a second hand one online and give it a go! Re feeding, I tried breastfeeding when in hospital, but he was feeding for hours and still screaming. I was producing colostrum; I remember vividly leaving the post natal ward and pacing outside in the corridor with him screaming his lungs out and all the midwives and nurses passing by. Eventually after a half hour one of them stopped and impatiently told me he was hungry! He had been feeding for three hours at that point. I then expressed milk and did this for six weeks before giving up and switching to formula. He was diagnosed with a tongue tie a week after birth and just couldn’t get any milk from my breasts, I was made to feel such a failure for this by everyone from my mum to my mum friends. He spits up a lot, and sometimes screams when he is feeding (but drains the bottle so I know he is hungry).

It sounds really difficult for you, as people have said focus on treating your PND and looking after yourself and your baby's behavior will improve naturally as they grow older. With my first baby I really followed the advice to go out every day and have awful memories of that time struggling on buses in winter with a screaming baby trying to scramble out of the sling. With my second I just didn't go out in the day, since we had the school run for a walk anyway, and I just watched a lot of boxsets while holding/feeding/playing/being slept on and I got out of the house myself for a walk on my own whenever DH or someone could look after her. Are there certain times, situations indoors when he seems happy? Instead of going out at nap time will he nap on you or in a cot while you relax or watch a movie/read? Could you do more of this and leave the walks outside for now? Baby won't remember them there's plenty of time for it when they're a toddler and drag you to the park in the rain.

my eldest was exactly like this - she had a posterior tongue tie and wasn't feeding properly, so she was constantly hungry and frantic. Finally, we had her operated (5 minutes at Tooting Hospital by a paediatric plastic surgeon) and she started to eat well and finally, calm down.

Have you sorted out your baby's tongue tie?

@goldendeliciousapple

Yes *@TheCraicDealer*, we got gifted a Ewan the Sheep very kindly, but it’s not nearly loud enough. I’ve tried the Sound Sleeper app, but the sounds only play for 1 hour 15 min and he needs something on all night. I’m using the White Noise a Deep Sleep app which plays for 8 hours.

Maybe try a fan in his room all night. This worked better than white noise apps wonders for DS.

Yes it sounds like tongue tie is still an issue?

Oh bless you, OP - that sounds like such a tough start to the feeding. You're in no way a failure - makes me so cross that you've been made to feel that way!

This "He spits up a lot, and sometimes screams when he is feeding (but drains the bottle so I know he is hungry)" sounds like reflux, and quite probably CMPA reflux. The spitting up a lot and screaming during feeding are both classic symptoms!

I think previous posters were right about not killing yourself trying to "solve" things, but I would recommend doing a bit more digging on CMPA. If you think it IS that, most GPs are still not great at acknowledging/diagnosing, so you might need to be unashamedly pushy, or pay to see a paediatric gastroenterologist (not ideal, I know!). As you're formula feeding, you'd need a specialist formula.

And DEFINITELY try a stretchy sling asap - I think the pressure really soothes and uncomfy baby

Take good care - it will get easier and change, no matter what. And feel free to pm me if you need any help with CMPA info.

Depending on how his head control is mine used to like facing outwards with my arm across her tummy, I think the pressure helped with the pain. Similarly we had a fisher price airplane door bouncer that she used to hang in just because there was pressure on her tummy if you lent her forward in it (too young to bounce).

She was the happiest smiling thing from around a year old and has an amazing high threshold for pain!!!

such a tough start for you. I can't just read and leave without saying my first child was like this. It got better gradually through the first year and dramatically during the second year. Since then he's been an utter delight. Funny, clever, helpful. He's 14 now and still adorable, even if a great stomping thing taller than both parents. So a hardwork baby doesn't at all need to mean a difficult future. In fact rather the opposite - mine isn't the only one I've seen transform into a delightful toddler and child.

It sounds like you're thinking really hard and trying everything you can to make it easier for you both to get through this. It really will get better. I just hope you get to have some happy and relaxed moments in the meantime. You're being a great mother to a baby who needs one.

I feel for you so much 💐 My first was a very unhappy, angry and clingy baby who didn’t sleep and wouldn’t feed very well. He’s fine now (though being assessed for autism).

I was also triggered by his crying, it almost felt like it was coming from inside me. If I could go back , I’d order myself to go to counselling (my childhood abuse was way worse than I was admitting, and that’s why I was so triggered and developed bad insomnia too), and I’d force myself to let someone else look after him more often- I knew he’d scream/cry the whole time without me but I was losing the plot and desperately needed an hour here and there.

Please don’t blame yourself. During my second pregnancy I was stressed like never before, all day and night, not sleeping, eating terribly, but my second baby was and is the most easygoing laid back dream child you could imagine.

Look after yourself

Just wanted to offer a hand hold. No real advice other than take it one thing at a time and be kind to yourself. My first was like that. She wouldn't go in the pram, swing, cot... it was exhausting. I also had post natal anxiety do it was a very bad time.

Oh she did have silent reflux and things did improve when she went on ranitidine. Might be worth exploring

Ah, I wish I could just come round and take your screaming baby off you for a while! It must be so stressful to deal with day in day out. I'm saying the obvious here probably, but I used to swaddle my DS3 in a large muslin after a feed, and blast hideous white noise on loud (he liked it so loud) on an app on my phone, and I'd take him for a walk round the park next to my house daily. This meant he learnt to sleep in it and lost the negative association with it. After a quick walk I'd wheel it into the house. I think the trick is don't push your luck by going on buses etc. Any baby can have a bad moment in public and being trapped on a bus must have made it feel 100 times worse than being able to just walk home. Start small. Small journeys with swaddling and white noise until he gets used to it. Wouldn't do any harm to ask the HV to check the isn't anything physical causing pain in the sling.

I could have written this OP! Nearly identical situation to mine at that age including the PND. It's so hard. I did end up staying home a lot.

I think four months was the hardest stage for me and then it started to get a lot better very quickly so hang in there. What helped was turning her outwards facing in the sling so hopefully you can try that when his neck is stronger. We have an ergo baby so perhaps you can try a few kinds of sling? She didn't like the less structured ones like the moby and I read it can make reflux pain worse because they are slumped. The ergo baby keeps her nice and straight and upright.

The other thing that helped was getting her out of the bassinet. By four months I could put her into the pram seat fastened on its tightest setting and reclined just enough so she was supported. Being able to look around and sit 'upright' helped her enjoy the pram. We have an ocarro.

Oh and mine had reflux which omeprazole completely sorted out. Gaviscon helped a bit bit then caused constipation so don't be fobbed off with that. Difference on omeprazole was night and day.

In response to pp, I didn’t get his tongue tie fixed. I wanted to, but I went to see a lactation consultant when he was 6 weeks old and she said they would only perform the procedure if I intended to ebf afterwards and that they would request to watch me breastfeed immediately afterwards. I had only fed him expressed milk with a bottle since I left hospital 3 days after birth and the thought of giving him my breast again filled me with terror - the lactation consultant wanted to see me breastfeed him then and there and I hadn’t done it in weeks, all the trauma came back. Even if I had agreed to it, there would have been several weeks wait on the NHS by which time he would be even more used to the bottle.

I guess I just wanted someone to give me permission to formula feed him (I was exhausting myself expressing every 3 hours and telling myself he needed my breastmilk not formula) but everyone was hell bent on getting me to feed from the breast. I am considering getting the tongue tie cut privately just in case it affects his speech later on, which I was assured probably wouldn’t happen.

I actually have the Ergobaby carrier, my DS hates it. I think that’s also why he hates the pushchair attachment of the pram, he hates being strapped/tied down and feeling confined. He has always disliked being swaddled too. I’m working on improving his neck strength, but he’s a chunky lad and has a huge head, so is still a bit of a bobble head. I tried putting him face forward in the Ergobaby yesterday and he did this horrible high pitched scream once he realised he couldn’t wriggle properly like he can in my arms.

I need to be able to take him to doctors appointments and vaccinations, as well as run to the shop for essentials. My OH works long hours and loses money when he takes a day off to take us places. I just need to keep trying I guess.

Thank you so much for all the kind words of support and advice so far, I have read everything and it really makes a difference knowing others have survived this.

Survived and thrived OP! Once you’ve been through a stage like this it makes you think you can get through anything!

Sorry haven't read the full thread but my 15w old recently started screaming bloody murder in the sling too. However she loves being front-facing. Have you tried front-facing in the sling?

Just read your last post. Sorry! Sounds really tough.

You will get through it and this will be a traumatic but distant memory.

Absolutely do keep trying whenever you can muster the courage. At this age, what they hate one week can be absolutely fine the next week.