To those of you who cosleep...

[GlenQuagmire]

Can you tell me about it? I think I need to do it but I am absolutely terrified. I Have read that SIDS affects boys more and babies 2-4 months, which he falls into. But he wasn’t premature,
I don’t smoke or drink alcohol and I’m not a heavy sleeper. I’ll clear the bed of any bedding. But I’m so scared and would never forgive myself if something happened, but I am not sleeping at all and I am starting to get ill.

Can you tell me your experiences, both good and bad? Thanks

It’s a question of balancing risks. With my first I was so keen to avoid cosleepinh that I would get out of bed and feed him on a sofa. He wouldn’t settle in his bedside cot and would cry to be fed every time I put him down. I was so exhausted I fell asleep with him on the sofa which is one of the most dangerous things you can do. With a baby who won’t be comforted and won’t sleep in their own cot then safe co sleeping may be the safest thing you can do.

He is breastfed.

This is what swayed me, I was so exhausted last night that I kept almost dropping off with him on me and next to me. I finally slept with my head, shoulders and arm in this next to me crib but it really hurt my jaw, neck and my arm went numb. My DH has sleep apnoea so we are separate at the moment and as DS is breastfed it’s me doing all the night stuff, although DH will do some feeds with expressed milk.

I think one reason why I’m so wary is IF something happened I would never forgive myself. I would blame myself for co-sleeping for the rest of my life. That Dr said if that’s a factor then maybe don’t do it, and I think it would be for me...

I had a cot attached to the side of my bed too. With my first, it wasn’t good enough for him, he needed to be on the same surface as me, nose to nipple. My second was happier in it but is going through a phase of needing me nearby so we are cosleeping mostly currently

Is there room for a side-car cot? Like Elspeth I jury rigged one of those myself, and it was brilliant.

[quote Emelene]An alternative view ... cosleeping (even without smoking etc etc) increases risk of SIDS by 5 times according to this research. That's why it's not recommended.

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/sharing-a-bed-with-your-baby-ups-risk-of-cot-death/[/quote]
I think it's very dangerous to just copy and paste links like this without any real explanation.

Yes it increases the risk. However, it increases it from a minuscule risk to a little bigger minuscule risk.

It's much better to plan to co sleep safely, than to be so sleep deprived you end up doing it without planning

I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if Something had happened if I had fallen asleep with my son sitting up. There was a real risk of that happening, so I chose a planned route that mitigated some of the risks. I couldn’t eliminate all the risks. You need to think about what the risks are and how you can manage them best. It’s very very hard when they need you to be so close to them

I think one reason why I’m so wary is IF something happened I would never forgive myself. I would blame myself for co-sleeping for the rest of my life. That Dr said if that’s a factor then maybe don’t do it, and I think it would be for me...

But there where do you stop. Do you never walk down the stairs? Never drive?

Seriously, by the sounds of it there is more risk of something happening through you not getting a good nights sleep

I Co slept and erm still co sleep 7 and 4 yrs on they need their own room!!! But am happy and so are they and they've always been. I always took precautions had that Co sleeper crib thing but then just made sure no covers etc. I didn't really sleep much at the start anyway!!! You will be fine but I understand the what ifs etc don't worry yourself too much and get one of those things that attach to the end of the bed x

I was so worried about co sleeping with my first, he wouldn't sleep unless he was held or feeding, even in a next to me crib or sleepyhead. I read horror story after horror story but I was so worried about falling asleep sitting up, and I was making myself ill with a lack of sleep so we started co sleeping and it was perfect. Followed the guidelines, no duvet, warm pjs, sleep suit for baby. He used to sleep so close to me, and I would keep my arm around him. He didn't move all night except to feed, and if he did move slightly or make any tiny noises I was awake immediately- it's strange how easily I would wake whereas my husband wouldn't. It's like I was tuned into him.
He co slept until he was 1 1/2 and then came in when he fancied.

Currently co sleeping with 8 month old and have done since birth. He sleeps between me and DH and is as happy as Larry there- keeps a hand on DH and a hand on me all night. It's gorgeous, follow the guidelines, get some sleep xxx

And I'll add, my worries disappeared straight away- it felt natural and the right thing to do for me

Slumbersac make an adult sleeping bag with feet that’s designed for cosleeping (so no duvets anywhere near the baby). It’s brilliant.

Slept with 2 DDs from birth until 2yo. Doing the same for DD3

Should be on your side of the bed, not in the middle. You can get a protection (a rolled towel for small babies is ok) so they don't accidentally fall off the bed (DD1 did and rolled under the bed!!!! )
Wear long sleeve pjs so you don't have to cover yourself.

I started doing it because DD1 would NOT accept the cot!! From day 1!! Honestly it's fine. I remember at the time everyone I spoke to bought lovely little beds and never used them, just like me

I think it's worth mentioning that in the study referred to above by @Emelene the risk of SIDS increased from 0.008% to 0.023% when bedsharing. Without wanting to minimise the tragedy of that 0.023%, the absolute risk is very, very small.
bmjopen.bmj.com/content/3/5/e002299
For me, the risks of injuring or killing my baby through sleep deprivation were much higher. There are studies that show the effect of driving while sleep deprived is comparable to driving while drunk in terms of reaction times. I once fell asleep at the wheel while DS was in the back seat aged about 6 weeks - luckily at a red light and the driver behind woke me by honking his horn when the light turned.
If you read up on biologically normal infant sleep there's a lot to support bedsharing from an evolutionary perspective.

Co sleeping correctly does not increase SIDS.

I had this dilemma too. I was so worried about falling asleep holding DS. I ended up doing it for about 2 weeks but found I got even less sleep. DS wanted to be latched all the time and I was so uncomfortable. I ended up with neck and shoulder pain.

Could you and DH work something out to give you more sleep? Mine slept in the spare room and went to bed at 9/10pm each night. He’d then take DS off me at 5/6am until he had to start work at 9am. I’d put in earplugs and get a few hours undisturbed sleep. It made a huge difference and got me through the night feeds.

I've always found this info from unicef helpful

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

We have co-slept with both of ours since birth.

If I fell asleep with DD i was VERY aware of her. The worst thing was if she was put next to me when I was already asleep, I didn't wake up when she cried whereas if I went to sleep with her I woke before she did. Also I didn't move at all just curled around her when I knew she was there but all bets were off if I didn't. We learned that lesson quickly, thank god.

This included in the next to me crib, if she wasn't touching me she wasn't my problem for some reason and DP had to wake me to feed her.

Now that she's 2 I think the awareness has worn off because I wake to her manhandling me trying to get at a boob.

@Betsyboo87

I had this dilemma too. I was so worried about falling asleep holding DS. I ended up doing it for about 2 weeks but found I got even less sleep. DS wanted to be latched all the time and I was so uncomfortable. I ended up with neck and shoulder pain.

Could you and DH work something out to give you more sleep? Mine slept in the spare room and went to bed at 9/10pm each night. He’d then take DS off me at 5/6am until he had to start work at 9am. I’d put in earplugs and get a few hours undisturbed sleep. It made a huge difference and got me through the night feeds.

DH is being great, but DS is really into just feeding from the breast at the moment and is refusing A lot of bottle feeds, it’s so devastating when we have to pour the unused expressed milk away! I think he is going through a. Growth spurt and needs the extra comfort maybe?

I also find when I’m in bed and he is with DH I wake up and can’t sleep if he is crying or grizzling so ear plugs might be a brilliant idea to combat that!

I spent 9 months in a sleep deprived haze before I actually read the scientific papers behind the advice not to co-sleep (a decade ago, things have changed now).

All of the studies I could find either added in people who co-slept on a sofa or people who co-slept only occasionally when baby was unsettled/sick, which of course biases the sample a lot.

I’ve now coslept with all 3 kids, including a preemie once he was over 10lb.

I personally think the reason the advice used to be so strict, was that they were worried it would be confusing and smokers / heavy drinkers would think it’s ok if everyone was doing it. A blanket ban seemed simpler. But in wasn’t realistic as it has a big effect on breastfeeding and mental health.

As a species, we are designed to co-sleep. In cultures where. Co-sleeping is the norm, the risk of sids is far less. Unfortunately we seem to lump accidefalling asleep with a baby, with safe co-sleeping and they are two very different things. I don't know many people who don't co-sleep. I wish the nhs realised this and told people how to do it safely which would be so much safer.

A blanket ban seemed simpler

This is the crux of it really.
Rather than advise every individually, a blanket 'ban' was put in place because that's easier and more simple.
But actually it's had the opposite affect.

It's made people, like you OP, scared to co sleep and as though you're putting your child at this big risk.

When actually, you're not.

Co sleeping saved my sanity, and probably my marriage

I was too scared to cosleep (bedshare) at first. I did use a sleepyhead in the next2me because DS wouldn’t sleep otherwise. Once he was approx 6 months old, he just cried and cried when put down even in sleepyhead so I tried cosleeping in desperation and its lovely. It’s so comforting and snuggly and I feel like I’m making the most of the time while he’s small. However am now newly pregnant and not sure if I will try to sleep train or not...

Mine are now 13 and 16. I co-slept with both of them and it wasn't even a thing that had a name then. If it had I would also have been worried sick. It wasn't planned- just turned out to be good for us. Husband slept in a different room.

Ignorance was bliss and advice changes pretty quickly.

Op you sound exhausted. Safely cosleeping there is no issue.

Falling asleep exhausted with your baby on the sofa is really dangerous.

Mumsnet say the answer to everything is cosleeping... I personally hated it with a passion, I did it for a week to get through a really rough patch with his sleep. It doesn't need to be forever, he hasn't been in my bed since (he's now 2).

Crib sheet by Emily ostler has an excellent section explaining the risks and the studies done for cosleeping. That might be what you're looking for to put your mind at rest. It's much better than anecdotal data from a forum (although that can also be reassuring).