See what you make of this, oh wise ones.
Not having much family, it is a real treat to visit my in laws. Things between us all are harmonious and happy, and we organse our days - the 3 year old, 8 year old, dh and me, Mil and Fil, so everyone is contented - or are they....
Pil (retired) work hard to make their home a comfortable place. They have high standards and are very organised. Mil cooks and works part time, Fil maintains several acres of land and does DIY. They are both keen gardeners and have a thriving vegetable garden. They run a tight ship.
The house and garden is immaculate whenever we visit. Suppers (all home cooked - some frozen in advance) arrive like clockwork from Mil's kitchen. We wash up, clear the table, do extra food shopping etc, in case you think all the other adults let mil do everything.
Mil and pil love seeing their grandchildren. My oldest stays with them for holidays and they are looking forward to having the toddler too when he's older.
I try to make sure that the pils get as much time with the children as they want. But each pil also has their routine to follow - gardening, shopping etc, so they aren't free all day. Their home is in a lovely part of the west country, near a beach and lots of child-friendly attractions, so of course I enjoy taking the children out. And this is where the problem begins.
I think I overdid the taking out when my oldest son was a toddler. He was extremely active and attention demanding. Inside the pils immaculate house - all cream carpets and spindly antique furniture (and this is after a pre visit clear to make it childproof), looking after the toddler, trying to watch him every single second, was exhausting - no, I'd say, impossible. And if things got broken, as they did, I felt awful. Even if the tut tutting was kept out of my earshot I only had to look at the house to see that milk accidently spilt on a cushion, a towel rail wrenched off its hinges, etc mattered much to them. Dh did his bit, but sporadically - he would escape by helping fil work outside during the day. All three adults put the childminding responsibilty on my shoulders. OK, fine, but I take that to mean I have the ultimate power to decide what we then do with our day.
I hit on the solution of leisurly breakfast/touching base (for as long at toddler behaved himself) with pils, followed by trip out,(approx three to seven hours depending where we go) returning with a tired but happy toddler soon ready for the bedtime routine, which pils were free to help with. Then adult supper. Plus, pils were always consulted/invited on the trips out. Sometimes they would come but often were too busy. Neither of them like sitting for hours on a beach.They have never volunteered to take either of my sons out for trips alone. It is just not what they do.
A year or two ago, I began to be aware that pils and dh felt I was not staying in with the children enough, and they wanted to see more of us. Over supper one evening it was suggested to me that the reason my sons were overexcited at home was because the trips tired them out too much. Pils wondered if we might be happier staying in all morning, playing in the garden and then went out after lunch. This was the routine they followed with my then 5 year old when he holidayed alone with them.
So on the last few visits I have reduced the length of the trips out, and let it be known that if pils want us back for any family thing that suddenly crops up, they are very welcome to ring my mobile and we will return.
However I don't think I have gone far enough in my fil and dh's eyes. My mil is an angel and would not make this an issue.
Now the pils plan to sell their house and move to a smaller, village-based one in a couple of years. One reason (implied) for this is that we don't make as much use as they hoped of the house and garden. I really will not feel guilty about this:
The house is too perfect for me to let my sons wander in an out of rooms all morning unattended. The TV room, for instance, has a low shelf with antique telescopes on display. So however much my sons like watching cartoon network (and I don't!!) I can't leave the three year old alone without a quiver of fear and only feel 90% sure that the 8 year old will not fiddle and touch. And no, I cannot say to pils, can you put items A,B, and C away, because in their eyes they have already cleared the house sufficiently. I resent being put in a position where I am expected to spend hours and hours watching over my children. At home they don't have mummy constantly at their elbow. No one else takes on this responsiblity at my pils - everyone else is too busy unless specially asked, so if anything is broken, the blame is all mine.
Ahh yes, the garden. Not much better. A shed full of rakes and power tools, a greenhouse full of tender young plants, a shared driveway with three other houses leading straight onto a road. No gate. A stream. Not a place you can let a three year old run wild in.
My dh suggested to me, I kid you not, that I take an axe and a hammer and spend a day with my sons building a camp in the field next to the garden. And look after the toddler at the same time, and stop the 8 year old from cutting off his fingers. I think not. Also the fact of the matter is that even he most beautful garden becomes boring to my sons after an hour to two - unless they can do exactly as they want in it.
I sometimes feel that pil and dh want the three of us to be like some very public performance installation - 'mother and sons playing happily together for hours and hours AND HOURS' everyone else please feel free to spectate, join in or ignore - whatever suits you.
Ok I want an easy life. I want to take my sons to kid's farm, let them run wild in a playbarn while I take a sneak at a book. Take them to the beach because I like it too. I want to do my looking after chldren bit according to my own rules in private - I do not want to be publically judged. I don't know all the rules of pils house and garden anyway - what's allowed and what isn't. I don't want to get stressed guessing. I don't want my sons to be in trouble for some small thing I allow them to do at home - like drinking squash form a non drip beaker in the living room. We do not confine all drinking to the kitchen. Am I being selfish and lazy? How do others cope? I think I am in the right here and, sorry, I'll compromise as much as I can at pils, but I won't feel guilty!