Eat what you’re given!

[SandMason]

Hi all,

Has anyone on here successfully managed to get their young kids to just eat what they’re given? A lot of mealtime advice is geared towards raising adventurous/healthy eaters, but to me it’s more important that they are respectful of the food (and by extension of the effort/time/money that’s gone into providing it) not wasteful, and grateful for what they are given. Am I deluded in thinking that it’s possible to teach these values around food and mealtimes? I’m allergic to the sight of them poking disapprovingly at food when elsewhere in the world there are kids eating out of rubbish bins. Not even that extreme - I mean how many families globally are in a position to provide a range of healthy meals and snacks at intervals throughout the day? As opposed to say, here’s the pot of what we’ve cooked, eat from it! Has anyone achieved this? And how?

Mine eat what they're given and have a good go. I don't insist on clean plates. It's just pure luck I think. None of them are picky although there's still time for the toddler to start. Luck of the draw.

Good table manners is taught though, so how they react to food they don't like can be managed.

No. This is not an approach I value or respect. Talk of wanting children to be grateful for their needs being met makes me uncomfortable, trying to conflate children eating what I want them to eat with other children eating out of bins makes me scornful. There is simply no link between children not liking what you want them to eat and others going hungry.

I brought up my two on an eat what you are given system, in the sense that I provided the food and they either ate it or not. No pressure to eat, but no choices or substitute meals offered either. I did try and serve things that they liked when they were little though.

When they were older I taught them that it's sometimes necessary to eat things you dont much like and nothing bad will happen to you if you do. That was harder.

Now as teens they are allowed a list of 3 things they wont eat and I promise not to serve them those things. Everything else may appear on the plate, although it's still their choice whether they eat it or not. They are also now old enough to make themselves an alternative if they prefer.

No, I've found they just don't eat what they don't like and I don't want to make an issue of food. So for instance my two don't like cauliflower so if I make cauliflower cheese because we like it then I'll make extra cheese sauce and give them macaroni cheese instead. Or if I make a spinach and potato curry I'll do a mild plain chicken curry for them with the same sauce (double the recipe). They like different vegetables so I always cook them separately (one only likes raw carrot so I do a few sticks while I'm chopping them). And they both hate onion (texture not taste) so if I make a sauce for casserole/curry etc I'll cook the onions till soft and sweet then use a hand blender to mix into whatever I'm making. Small tweaks that mean we mostly eat the same thing. But I won't just cook a totally separate meal for them.

Gratefulness happens when they are older and understand the process of thinking of what to cook, cooking it then clearing up. It's ok to have a rule that at the end of the meal you thank the chef but you can't expect more than that imo.

Realistically respect means no spitting out food, don't make faces at the food and not say things like "that is disgusting" out loud. They might not like the food but it's bad manners to do stuff like criticise what's on your plate.

There is simply no link between children not liking what you want them to eat and others going hungry.

Indeed, there were in fact plenty of times as a small child who didn't properly understand the analogy that I resented these people as if it was there fault I had to eat Macaroni cheese. I distinctly remember on one occasion irrationally threatening to mail the food to them instead.

The thing about tolerating food as a child is that it can lead to not minding the food and even enjoying it.
Even as an adult, if I ate only what I really love then I’d be living off marmite on toast and cake. But I know I need to eat a varied diet so I eat lots of veg and other foods that I may not necessarily love but I know it’s important to have a varied healthy diet.
I do tell my dcs that they really need to eat the veg as it’s like medicine. They hate spinach and one dc hates peas so I don’t make them eat it but I’ll give them other veg that they will eat, but not necessarily enjoy.

I encourage suggestions for future meals (as I hate the hassle of planning) and I've noticed that these suggestions seem to flow more on days that they are not the biggest fan of what I cook No promise that I will do it the next day but the suggestions are usually reasonable so are usually cooked soon after.

Gosh I’m sorry so many people have had such awful experiences with food when they were young... this is exactly what I’m trying to avoid while at the same time cooking one meal a day (likely a one-pot meal realistically!) that everyone more or less eats. I’m already trying as far as possible to get them involved in cooking/preparing, but it’s not always practical with 3 under 5....

Also, to an extent, I think there's an argument to say that if you persist in making them food you know they won't eat, it's you that's being wasteful, not them.

My 2 x teenage ds's eat what they are given. Always have. The only thing they don't like is salad.

I always had to taste a little bit of the food before disregarding it, but never more than that. My mum just made sure that there was enough healthyish food that I did like. I eat almost everything now.

My Mam did that for me @AlwaysLatte, raw carrots instead of cooked, they were the one thing I couldn't stand. Still appreciate that she did that for me.

And yes 'tolerating'. When I do a steak and kidney pie I might do 5 steamed veg. Ds's aren't that keen on broad beans, but they'll eat a few, when I dish up: french beans, runner beans and broccoli for example.

My 6 & 9 eat what they are given. They have a choice sometimes but I never cook different things. If their plates aren't cleared they get nothing else.

Got a 2 year old. I just do whatever meals but if am not sure she overly likes it but has ate before I always make sure I put something she defo will eat and like along side her meal. I have done endless nights off running after her to put her down in front off her dinner etc now am just like she will eat it if she is hungry specially if it's something she loves if she's not eatting she's obv not hungry (this is just my opinion) tonight I have done chicken wraps and onions rings she has salad on her plate she never eats this but it's always offered and not forced to eat she loves onion rings so I gave her extra done her the chicken wrap this can be a hit or miss when eatting this so I also cut up some extra chicken for the side incase she would rather it like that. Tonight first thing she went for was the wrap! X

@Medievalist

Some of my earliest - and most unpleasant- memories are of sitting in front of plates of food that I either didn't like or else was too full to eat, and being told that I couldn't get down from the table until I'd eaten enough.

I don't have a very healthy relationship with food.

With my own kids, as soon as they were old enough, we would discuss what we were going to eat or I would cook food I knew they would enjoy. I know some people would frown on this but I was quite happy to adapt meals to suit different tastes, or even cook different meals. Nobody was expected to carry on eating once they were full.

My adult children all have healthy relationships with food.

Maybe my approach was wrong and a reaction to my mother's understandable attitude of not wasting a scrap of food which presumably came from wartime rationing.

Your first paragraph was my childhood. I still can’t eat fish or eggs. I had to eat everything, even though it meant me sitting at the table for two hours. My parenting has been like yours. I think it’s very unhealthy to force a child to eat something they really don’t like.

@lazylinguist

Also, to an extent, I think there's an argument to say that if you persist in making them food you know they won't eat, it's you that's being wasteful, not them.

I agree.

Also, if you give them food you know they don't like, you disrespect their nature. (We don't choose what we like). Can you "teach to respect the food" by showing this disrespect?

The more people you have to feed at once the more complicated it gets. I guess finding easier options that work for all is a good way forward

Some good tips in here, thanks! I’ll go through with a pen and paper and give them a go.

I can see I should have added a few more provisos to my OP....

I’m not talking about guilting kids to eat by telling them about starving children! I also heard this argument as a child and like a PP just wanted to send them my dinner. I’m talking about fostering a healthy sense of gratitude for what we have.

But back to the food itself and this idea of learning to tolerate foods you’re not in love with.... does that happen through repeated exposure? Like serving up the same meal on a semi-regular basis?

Btw, this is what we’re taught to do with weaning babies by our public health nurses.....

@SandMason

But back to the food itself and this idea of learning to tolerate foods you’re not in love with.... does that happen through repeated exposure? Like serving up the same meal on a semi-regular basis?

Btw, this is what we’re taught to do with weaning babies by our public health nurses.....

No matter how many times I try to convince my DH to eat blue cheese he still doesn't like it!

That's how it worked with mine. I told them that tastes change (they do) and that you had to try new food 30 times before you knew whether you really didnt like it. But this does work better with tastes than textures and it's easier if you start with innocuous foods /things they used to eat, rather than things they absolutely hate. Neither if mine like mushrooms for instance and I just dont go there.

I wonder if setting an example by trying to make ethically good choices when buying foods and other products might be more effective. It depends on their ages though. Small kids aren't going to be able to grasp the wider picture of this.

Some of my earliest - and most unpleasant- memories are of sitting in front of plates of food that I either didn't like or else was too full to eat, and being told that I couldn't get down from the table until I'd eaten enough

This. Two hours once. On my birthday. It's abusive.

An adult is unlikely to try a food 30 times if they don't initially like it. I'm not sure why anyone would think a child would. Yes, they may well try the food again when they are an adult and decide they like it then, but giving it to them again and again and again when they're a child and they dislike it seems utterly pointless tbh.