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Original poster

Not finished having children

32 replies

joedar · 17/10/2007 18:12

I have 4 daughters 11,9,3 and 18 months. My husband is booked in for a vasectomy next month, the reason being we just could not decide whether to have more children.

Last week we had a chat and discovered that we did both want to have another, I guess a big part of it is trying for the boy, but deep down we just don't feel finished.

It is very busy with 4 kids and we want to do good by them all, and give them all the individual time they need, however I do believe that having a big family has its benefits even though its alot of work.

One part of me thinks I have my family finished now and to just get on with things, but a bigger part just says have one more (regardless of the sex of the baby). But I am afraid that I am just a maternal person and will feel like that again after no 5.

I also consider how lucky I am to be able to make the choice, when so many women are struggling to have families and admit to feeling a little greedy wanting more.

I am just wondering are there any other moms out there who feel like this?? Or any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RFCMummy · 17/10/2007 19:23

Hi there

I can fully sympathise with you. I only have 2 DD's at the moment, 21 months and 5 months but have been feeling broody since bringing DD2 home and have always wanted a big family. I hope to have 4 like you but I love babies and kids so much and the thought of having a 'last' pregnancy and never having another baby fills me with horror!

I think that if you both feel you want another you should go for it and 5 can't be much more work than 4 surely!

Good luck anyway

Boogalooblue · 17/10/2007 19:27

I'm not sure that indecision is a good enough reason for the snip .

If I were you, I would cancel the op and then have a long think about it.

We have 4 kids and I know that 5 would send me over the edge, so dh has had the snip.

It is something that we talked about for a long time and for ages I was against it.

I still feel slightly sad that I won't be having any more, but not enough to ever want any more.

Just remember that a vasectomy is pretty final, I know that reversals do happen, but I wouldn't bank on it.

Good luck in your soul searching.

Dove5 · 17/10/2007 20:03

Yes - just take yourself out of our 'culture' for a moment. Who says there is a right amount of kids to have? My happy Somali neighbours have 12. Thats not abnormal for their culture. They think they're very blessed.
I have 5, and would have another one but think I'm too old (40+). So I wish now that I had had another one a few years ago. Also the Bible says 'Go Forth And Multiply!' -who is anyone to argue with that? A hundred years ago, a family of up to ten would be very acceptable, so why do we feel guilty about it now? Would you refuse a better house, holiday or job just because someone else didn't have it too? Go for it!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

TheodoresMummy · 17/10/2007 21:23

Choosing not to have more children will not make it easier for a person/couple who are struggling to concieve.

You mustn't feel guilty about that.

Original poster

joedar · 21/10/2007 13:47

Wow 12 is a little too much for me! However I think I will try for one more and if I still feel the same after that then I will know I am likely to feel like that no matter how many I have, perhaps it will be then easier to make a decision on the vasectomy issue, thanks for the replies!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 21/10/2007 13:51

I feel complete after having 4, dh was very worried that I wouldn't be but I'm happy not to try for anymore.

I'm not sure about how I will feel in a few years time but we both agreed that four would be the limit.

You both would like more so have one, I'm sure you'll get to the point of or

Enjoy

KTNoo · 21/10/2007 21:11

Would anyone go for a 4th c-section?

Very interested to hear views - would love another dc but body is a mess after 3 c-sections!

KTNoo · 21/10/2007 21:38

Didn't mean to hijack by the way - thought it was vaguely relevant (i.e. don't feel finished but not sure if another one's a good idea....)

Anyone?

Original poster

joedar · 21/10/2007 21:58

My sister in law had 4 sections despite being advised not too, and I also have a friend who had the fourth section. Thankfully all went well for them both.

OP posts:

foxystein · 21/10/2007 22:03

I feel exactly the same as you, I had number 4 14 weeks ago. Having 2 boys and 2 girls is 'perfect'. 4 'is enough'. So people tell me.

Perhaps its just to shock people when they say "So are you done now?".

LadyTophamHatt · 21/10/2007 22:05

Joedar, we have 4 boys and your post could have been written by me.

I'm quite shocked at how similar you post is to what goes on inside my head. And Dhs....

Original poster

joedar · 21/10/2007 22:44

So we are not alone in feeling this way, its so nice to know that, but what to do!

Just thinking about foxys 14 week old baby is making me broody!!

OP posts:

moljam · 21/10/2007 22:51

KTNoo i had 3 want 4th section.when i mention to gp about 6 of them adviced against it,i was devestated then 1 said why not!went to see consultant that did my 3 sections he said no worries so long as aware of risks. i had bladder damage with 3rd,which now thankfully is fine but do worry if i did have 4th

expatinscotland · 21/10/2007 22:54

mol, there's a poster on here who's had 5 sections.

moljam · 21/10/2007 23:11

whos that?

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 21/10/2007 23:17

OK, I'm in Ireland and big families are much more usual here than in the UK. I've had 3 CS's am going to talk to obs about VBA3C but am probably looking at a 4th CS. On a forum I visit in Ireland one lady has had 7 CS's ( and be warned, LadyTophamHat, she has 7 boys!!!) One lady in Ireland has had 13 CS's and 5 would not be unusual. I would love to have had loads of children but am expecting no.4, will be 39 and that's about as risky as I get! In my heart I don't think I would ever feel "finished" especially if I never have a little girl, but I think, given that dh would have been happy to stop at 2, and that ds3's birth was a dangerous affair for me and for baby, I will have put the poor man through enough!

expatinscotland · 21/10/2007 23:18

lisalisa has, mol.

moljam · 21/10/2007 23:22

thanks expatinscotland
chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks-13!!

expatinscotland · 21/10/2007 23:24

Sterlisation needs to be entered into as 100% permanent contraception.

If your husband is not 100% sure that he never wants to father a child again at any time, then it's not right for him to have a vasectomy.

I'd cancel the appointment.

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 21/10/2007 23:52

Oh, deffo cancel the appointment!

gigglewitch · 22/10/2007 00:36

no snips til you are certain!!

We are also in the "dithering" zone at the mo, shall he be snipped or shall he not... but unless you are both 100% convinced, don't. It's a right malarkey to get it reversed. Get a coil or something if you need deciding time

KTNoo · 22/10/2007 09:23

thanks for the info.

Not yet decided but could go and speak to another gp maybe. I was advised definitely no more.

Boogalooblue · 22/10/2007 09:31

KTNoo

After my 2nd section I was 'advised' by a medic that if I had a vbac then both me and baby would die.

I had one and we didn't.

Medics are human and humans make mistakes, research for yourself, it is not your medic who wants another child, it's you.

There are people who have had more than 3 sections (a good friend of mine had her 4th this year).

There are also people who have had vbacs after multiple sections. Try the ukvbachbac yahoo chat room for info.

Reading your posts, I think you would be absolutely mad for either you or your dh to be sterilised.

KTNoo · 22/10/2007 20:14

Well done Bugalooblue! I went for elective c-section for dc3 after 2 emergencies following long and complicated labours. There seemed to be high chance the same would happen again, but as you prove, you never know!

It's good to know I do have options!

Thanks for the link too.

lisalisa · 23/10/2007 12:57

Message withdrawn

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