Age Gaps ... advice needed!

[Dopeyduck]

Hi,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, not been here all that long.

DP and I have DS who turns 1 this month. The topic of another baby has been lurking for a while and DP brought it up yesterday.

We both agree we’d like another child at some point. Our plan currently is that we would only have the two.

We both agree that an age gap of about 2 years would be ideal in terms of the siblings being close ish in age as they grow up etc.

However - DP wants to start trying soon and feels ready. It’s been a tough year with DS but he can see that the end goal of having a close ish age gap will be worth the graft of having two very small children. He sees it as life is chaos and baby led at the moment anyway so we might as well throw another into the mix whilst we’re in that stage.

I agree mostly but I feel very conflicted. DS is still a baby, I’m still breastfeeding and he still co-sleeps. I’ve not even gone back to work yet! Although I go back next month.
I’m worried that DS will miss out on my attention and getting to enjoy being little if we bring a pregnancy and baby into the mix soon. But I also see that another maternity leave in a years time will give me time with him as well as the new baby and despite the shitty year it’s been I absolutely treasure this year we’ve had together.

I think I’d probably always feel this way somewhat about having a new baby. Of course DS is my absolute priority and I’m really feeling the pressure of doing the right thing for him.

We’re due to complete on a new house in a few weeks and both agree that we shouldn’t make any decisions before that all goes through anyway so have plenty of breathing space. We don’t have space here for another baby so until we’re in the new place it’s not really feasible.

Any advice from those who have been there and done that?

I didn’t want two babies. There is a reason why having 2 under 2 is considered a risk factor in maternal mental health.

I ended up with 3 yrs 2 months inbetweeen my two, a bit longer than I wanted as it took a bit longer to conceive and I had a miscarriage.

I don’t think there is an ideal time to be honest but I think how you parent and how much support you have will be a factor.

DS will unlikely be under 2 - we haven’t even exchanged yet so our feet are a while from being there under the table. I’d expect us to think about starting to try around March time next year so even if I fell pregnant quickly DS would be two and a bit before the baby arrived.

I’m a very baby led parent. DS was EBF and I would intend for the next baby to be unless I had unforeseen issues. I generally used to carry him about in a sling etc and the same for the new one. I guess the downside of this style of parenting is that it’s mother intensive and so is hard work for me but I do enjoy it. DP is a good dad and is hands on when he’s here but we both work shifts and in demanding jobs so it is difficult on that side. I’ll have a year off again on maternity and will go back after 13 and a bit months once a/l is added. We’re comfortable financially.

Fortunately my mum is nearby and is retired so she’s around for practical support so I do have a network. She will be having DS when I return to work and would again for a new baby so we don’t have childcare costs or issues. When DS is a bit more of a pre schooler I’ll put him in a nursery a couple of mornings for a bit of social side although my mum will take him to groups etc probably - she did with my sisters kids but will leave this to her.

My concern really is just the impact on my DS.

My concern really is just the impact on DS

Of course it is - I think most mums feel like that when moving from 1 to 2. The reality though is it wont matter to your ds whether you have an age gap of 18 months, 2 years or 3. Even if you go beyond that, yes it will change the dynamic between them but there are pros and cons for every age gap. Choose based on you and your dh's preference. After that it's up to fate anyway.

Think about yourself and the strain of another pregnancy while having a still young child too. Your DP may be keen but he doesn’t have that physical burden, especially as he isn’t doing the night feeds by the sounds of it. I found the last couple of months being heavily pregnant with a very active three year old really physically hard, though that was partly because I had no help from family and my husband was working away. It’s great that your mum can help.

I think a close age gap is lovely. I have 22 months between my first two and 3.5 years between no.2 and no. 3. My second maternity leave was great because I had both of them home the whole time, the baby was an easy baby and I just had an awesome time with my then 2 year old with no school runs etc to contend with.

The older two are best friends (most of the time) and I can see that if I’d only had two life would be really easy with them being basically at roughly the same age/stage. They want to do the same things, they can watch films together, I can read to them both at the same time etc.

The larger age gap is lovely too but different. The older two parent him a little bit and they are really helpful but I feel like no. 3 is a bit of a nuisance to them sometimes and he is and always will be at a different “stage” to the other two. I also had to drag him to and from school drop offs and pick up as a baby so couldn’t be particularly baby-led about anything.

I had a similar age gap with my sibling growing up and it was very positive (22 months). However, I would quite simply never have coped had I done the same so there will be 4y7m between my two children. I am perfectly content with this. My eldest was able to be my baby for as long as he needed and is now in full time school. I have found life much easier since he turned 3 so, in hindsight, around 3 or 3.5 years is probably what I would recommend as an age gap but my circumstances didn't suit that (new house and new job got in the way). I am not sure how old you are but I do think there are lots of positives to family spacing - e.g. I shouldn't have two doing major exams at the same time or having to pay for two at university at the same time. I appreciate there are downsides too but I do feel a lot of people get very caught up on having 2 under 2 when lots of other sibling gaps can be positive too.

Thanks - a really mixed bag! Hardly surprising I feel conflicted. I’m 7/5 years younger than my siblings and I was generally left out although we’re all close now.

Perhaps the answer is to go down the middle and maybe start trying when DS is 18mnths/2 and then see what happens.

I’m late 20’s and DP is 10 years older than me. So on that side I’m not young to be having kids but also waiting a couple of years shouldnt cause any issues from a biological perspective.

We had an accidental pregnancy when DS was around 8/9 months which I was surprised but ultimately happy about (as was DP) but sadly I had an early miscarriage.

I guess as horrible as it was I know that another baby would be a happy event.

I think this one is going to take some thinking about.

I see the physical side being hard and completely agree with PP - being pregnant was hard and I didn’t have a tiny human to look after as well. Let alone the fact that DS is still BF and doesn’t appear to be in any hurry to give that up.

I think close in age is lovely but not too close. My husband's older two are 15 months apart and grew up having lots of arguments as there was always competition (although they are very best friends now). Our younger two are 2.5 years apart and for me it's been a perfect age gap. Big enough that the older one understood the need to share us and toys etc and have his own sense of self before his baby brother came along and small enough that they've always enjoyed the same things - even now at 12 and 10 they have the same interests and play together a lot.

I realise personality has a huge part to play though, and you can't plan for that!

I got pregnant again when my first was 18 months and still breastfeeding and it was HARD. The pregnancy was hard and the first year of having 2 was very hard. I often wished I’d left a 3 year gap so that dc1 would have been a little bit more independent and off to pre-school for a few hours a week to give me a break. But that’s just me, other people seemed to find it easier. I was similar to you though in my parenting style and I found it very intense with a just 2 year old (who I basically had to force to wean before the new baby arrived) and a newborn. I felt it was a lot of strain on my body and mental health and I had a lot of guilt for pushing my eldest to grow up faster than I wanted them to. If you’re not sure then wait until dc1 is 2 and re-think? It should be more your decision as you’re the one going through the massive physical task! (Of course I don’t regret my second baby at all and it was worth the struggle but with hindsight I just wish I’d left it a bit longer)

Mine are 22 months apart.

Pros: they get on like a house on fire. Changing two nappies is much the same as changing one. You have all the gear already and all the clothes. Are very much in the zone. Everything very fresh in your mind. House set up for babies. 1st one is still young enough for a double buggy or a buggy board. They like the same cartoons/Night Garden etc. They like the same games. They like the same toys.

Cons: INTENSE. Twice the sleeplessness. Basically you don't sleep for 4 years solid. You will get ratty, you will cry out of tiredness and impatience. Getting out of the house takes ages. You feel like you'll never get put of the baby stage as it lasts twice as long. Your figure does not "bounce back" with 2 close together. I only BF #2 for 6 months but even that exhausted me after BFing #1 so shortly before. Extended BFing 2 back to back would be HAAAAARD, and I couldn't do it.

On the whole it's easily the best decision I made. Because once those baby years are over, they're OVER and suddenly they're both able to fetch their own forks and spoons. And it's very liberating to know that's the end of nappies!

Just to add a different perspective, I'm sure this won't be the case for you ... It wouldn't work for me, my son is nearly 2, up to one he hit all his milestones and no concerns, from ages 1-2 he has increasingly demonstrated autism markers. He's non verbal and not able to demonstrate communication or comprehension. It would be terrible for him at the moment to introduce another baby, he's very vulnerable in his behaviour and needs a lot of attention.

As I said... I'm sure this won't be the case at all for you... But just thought I'd offer a different perspective.

It’s really whatever is going to work for you and your family. I have a week short of 4 years between my 2 and that works really well for us but my sister has 3 under 4 and that works well for them. Our reasoning for the 4 year age gap was: plenty time with DC1 we really got to enjoy the toddler years, didn’t need to pay 2 nursery bills at the same time (no family help near by), I really wanted to have some time back at work-I love my job and need the adult time I also got a promotion quite quickly after returning and wanted to give that a couple of years to get the most out of it for me but also financially for my family. It also worked well as I had a really difficult pregnancy and was in and out of hospital from 34 weeks before delivering at 39, this was hard enough with an almost 4 year old but at least they had some understanding I imagine it would have been even more difficult with a toddler. When we had DC2 DC1 jumped straight into being ‘the biggest’ and was old enough to go to the toilet/dress himself and play well independently when I was busy with the baby. I feel like I have had plenty of one on one time with baby while DC1 is in nursery then school. Personally a smaller age gap wouldn’t have worked for our family but it does work for many this was just our reasoning and experience!

21 months gap here, both were healthy but "difficult" babies, they are great friends now in their teens, good friends to each other during lockdown.

Remember that you can only pick the minimum gap you’d like - conceiving may take longer than expected...

I’ve got an 18 month age gap, a 5 year age gap and then another 18 month age gap (4 girls). The small age gap is brilliant, hard work but my god it’s worth it to see how close they are and they’re into the same things and they’ve got each other to entertain so don’t need my attention much - it’s ace and most definitely worth it, hence me having two sets of 2 18 month age gaps!!!

I have not much more than a year between my oldest two and it’s been brilliant. I honestly loved having them so close together and they are such good friends. I even went for a third one with a similar age gap, who sadly died but I did go to have my fourth with less then four years between now eldest and youngest. Definitely no more for me but having all the baby/toddler mayhem together was what worked best for me.

Hi OP

Mine are 2 years and 1 week apart. Best decision ever for us. But it is different for everyone.

Negatives - first couple of years were tough.

Positives - they are growing up together and are so close. Family stuff is planned around the same thing i.e. they both want to see same movie at cinema, both love soft play etc. And the biggest long term pay back had been they keep each other entertained. It helped so much during the first lockdown when DH and I both had to keep working.

I am 3.5 years older than my brother and we were never into the same thing at the same time so my parents were always having to plan extra things to ensure we got to do age appropriate stuff.

Also don't think how you feel now, try to project how you'll feel in a year or so when DC2 would be here. Your first child will be sleeping and eating better than now and will be more manageable compared to now.

Thanks for so many replies and for all sharing your experience.

Of course ultimately the decision is down to me, DP is only voicing his opinion and he’d never pressure me if I said I wasn’t ready. He’s actually been very good with DS - he didn’t have to do night feeds etc no but if I had expressed a bottle he absolutely would have. He would often let me feed DS and then do the ‘settling’ if DS didn’t nod off so I could go straight back so sleep. I think if we had formula fed he would have split maternity leave with me (if I wanted to) as he so wanted to be around more.

He’s shit in the mornings though and getting up with DS so I can lie in. Atleast id be prepared for this. I’ve learnt I need to go to bed early for the early morning and leave DP on duty until midnight or whatever.

I think I would like them close ish in age and I’m just a bit scared about coping but actually I realise that I have it a lot easier than lots of others here in that I have a lot of support.

I think I’m going to get settled in the new house and see what things look like in spring.

On a purely practical note, 2 school years apart is quite hard once they're in the exam years at school. People tend to focus on the early days but it's worth thinking further ahead too.

I think personal experience plays a massive part in this decision. I have 2 older sisters by 6 and 9 years and we are not close at all. My husband is 6 years older than his sister and they see each other once a year. We have 3 children - 13 months apart and then 22 months apart. I love it! I had my third a week before my first had her third birthday. It was so much fun when they were little and it still is. They are older now and love each other so much. We can do days out and holidays where they are all happy to go and there isn't one who is grumbling about it. Part of our decision as well was to almost have the baby years over and done with which ultimately meant I could throw myself back into work again (I know not everyone plans on going back to work but for me it did play a part in my decision) but also do think about if you may have to pay for child care as that's a big bill with 3 in childcare! Good luck x

My siblings and I are all about 2 years apart and that’s what I thought would be ideal, as we’ve always been close. And we really did keep each other entertained. But for various reasons - pandemic, house issues, terrible sleeper etc - we won’t start trying for a second baby until my dd is almost 2. I wasn’t ready to conceive when she was turning 1 as she had been an intense but wonderful baby and still wasn’t sleeping well. But now I do worry about how big the gap will be. We were lucky to conceive pretty easily the first time, but who knows if we’ll be that lucky again. So god knows what the gap will be! But I really don’t want a four-year or more gap!

I honestly think there's pros and cons to every gap, so you have to just say sod it and do what works for you.

I know people with gaps as small as 18 months, some more "average" gaps of 2-2.5 years, and bigger. It's a complete mixed bag as to how close the siblings are. DH has an older brother who is more than 4 years older, and his younger sister only 18 months younger, and growing up he said he and his sister never played together, it was always him and his older brother.

I have 3 years 2 months between my two, which was pretty much exactly what I'd hoped for - I had wanted 3 years but DC1 is a Christmas baby and I didn't want to risk that! I didnt want two babies, two in nappies. I'm glad I had this gap because DC1 was an excellent sleeper, DC2 not so much, so I was very well rested at least before number 2 came along as I'd had 3 years of a perfect sleeping child. DC1 was at nursery every morning so had a bit of their own time away from me and the baby, and we had a bit of time on our own as well. I definitely see the attraction of waiting until the eldest child is in full time school!

They are still at very different stages: nearly 5 and 20 months, but I hope that they will play together and be friends when they're a bit older. There was 2 years 7 months between me and my sister and we played together a lot. We get on well now as adults even though we're very different.

We planned and were lucky enough to get a 2.5 year gap. DC2 only born last week so it’s early days but I am so so glad the gap isn’t smaller. They will still be close enough in age to play together and be close but DC1 has grown up so much in the last 6 months. He now plays independently which he didn’t at just turned 2, and that is already invaluable when dealing with the new baby. We actually potty trained him early but most of my friends with a 20-25 month gap had 2 in nappies at the start and then had to potty train with a new baby. DC1 is in a bed, normal chair etc and can communicate really well. I think the extra few months of maturity will make a huge difference to all of us in terms of how he copes with the new baby. Fingers crossed anyway!

Oh and I also had a year off for my first mat leave. Having a 2.5 year gap meant I was back at work for 18 months before mat leave 2 which has been really beneficial for my career. I’ve had a promotion in that time.