Age Gaps ... advice needed!

[Dopeyduck]

Hi,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, not been here all that long.

DP and I have DS who turns 1 this month. The topic of another baby has been lurking for a while and DP brought it up yesterday.

We both agree we’d like another child at some point. Our plan currently is that we would only have the two.

We both agree that an age gap of about 2 years would be ideal in terms of the siblings being close ish in age as they grow up etc.

However - DP wants to start trying soon and feels ready. It’s been a tough year with DS but he can see that the end goal of having a close ish age gap will be worth the graft of having two very small children. He sees it as life is chaos and baby led at the moment anyway so we might as well throw another into the mix whilst we’re in that stage.

I agree mostly but I feel very conflicted. DS is still a baby, I’m still breastfeeding and he still co-sleeps. I’ve not even gone back to work yet! Although I go back next month.
I’m worried that DS will miss out on my attention and getting to enjoy being little if we bring a pregnancy and baby into the mix soon. But I also see that another maternity leave in a years time will give me time with him as well as the new baby and despite the shitty year it’s been I absolutely treasure this year we’ve had together.

I think I’d probably always feel this way somewhat about having a new baby. Of course DS is my absolute priority and I’m really feeling the pressure of doing the right thing for him.

We’re due to complete on a new house in a few weeks and both agree that we shouldn’t make any decisions before that all goes through anyway so have plenty of breathing space. We don’t have space here for another baby so until we’re in the new place it’s not really feasible.

Any advice from those who have been there and done that?

Pros and cons to big and small gaps like PP have already said!

14 months between my two. Fuck me it was hard graft in the beginning, especially as a SAHM. But is starting to pay off in a big way now!

I think 3yr gap sounds rather idyllic.

One negative for a larger gap (according to my friend) is the school pick ups and drop offs and chaufferring to activities.

She said the youngest spent most of his babyhood in the car seat!

Would you be able to afford childcare for two children if your mum wasn't able to look after them for some reason? Unfortunately that happened to me, and I was thankful of a 3 year gap so I only had to find nursery for one child.

Yes we could afford childcare for two if we needed it. I’d rather my mum looked after them of course, because I think particularly when they’re little, being with someone they love is important and having a primary carer when mum is not there is better in my opinion.

If my mum couldn’t have them we’d employ a nanny as we work shifts so conventional childcare isn’t really convenient for us - in our profession the norm is to have a nanny or flexible childminder.

I’ve had nieces and nephews be toddlers but obviously not my own - in my experience they will do some independent play quite early. I mean to be honest DS will play independently now - ok not for ages but he could give me 10 mins to feed a baby.

Is this normal or have I been lucky? Perhaps this regresses as they become a little older?