Internet game addiction (sorry, long)

[ThreadyKrueger]

My 12yo son has been playing an online game called Runescape for a year now, and has been extremely obsessive about it. He wants to play it all evening every evening and for vast chunks of the weekend

Obviously this isn't acceptable and we have battled to impose reasonable limits. The problem is that he is so, so resistant to these limits that we have major battles time and time again. I'm afraid that we have often 'forgotten' to force him offline because we can't face the scenes, and because, once offline, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He entertains himself then by picking arguments with his brother.

Following another argument this morning (about how long he can play this evening) I have told him he is now no longer allowed to play the game at all. I have closed his account on the game and made the Runescape site unavailable on his computer login.

Now I have a big problem. I don't doubt that in the longer term it will be good for him to have left this game behind. But in the shorter term, things will be awful. I did tell him that I was going to do this, but I don't think it registered - or at any rate I don't think he believed me.

He will be furious. He will pick fights with me (and follow me around the house shouting at me for as much as an hour at a time). He will not be able to find activities to entertain himself and so he will pick on his brother. He will feel betrayed by me, and extremely depressed.

It has proved impossible to get him involved in any after-school activities, and although he has a good bunch of friends to socialise with, he is very shy. He does excellently at school and loves to read. My plan is to buy him a couple of good books today, but beyond that one idea I am feeling at a loss.

Anyone been through similar or got any tips?

.

Sorry, have not been through anything similar but am I right in thinking that runescape is a roleplay/dungeons and dragons type game?

If so DH (and his brother who is erm 17 now I think) was/is respectively really into role play games, but the rl ones, you know where you create a big diorama, and paint the little figures and then get together with a group of mates to play the game.

I believe that the War Hammer shops host informal games. I bet there will be some likeminded soul at your ds's school who is really into this stuff who he can join in with.

HTH

btw your ds sounds just like my DH/BIL, shy, very bright/academic and bookish. They thrived in their fantasy role play games with their group of similar minded friends.

Why not take your ds out to a War hammer shop anyway and let him choose a book there?

Thanks very much for replying Slubber. There is a warhammer group at his school but he won't join. He bought some models and paint but then lost interest. Lack of confidence I think, He isn't very good with detailed physical stuff like drawing, painting, etc.

Funnily enough my brother writes published scenarios for Dungeons and Dragons. I wish ds1 saw more of my brother.

It's been so hard getting ds1 to ne interested in anything. Ds2 has just brought a french horn home from school, and is in the cross-country team, etc, etc. But ds1 is quite withdrawn. We've tried encouraging all the normal activities but no luck. I think he is depressed and I worry about him a lot

I'm an internet gamer, have made a huge amount of friends from them and actually think you've gone too far I would be absolutely GUTTED had this been done to me - i.e. complete ban and account closed (and presumably all items EARNED in the game now lost as a result, and no way of contacting my friends in game and apologising if I left them in the lurch as a result).

Yes, have limits. Yes have temporary bans (sort of an online grounding equivalent). But to remove it completely feels as bad as if you'd gone into his room and smashed up half his belongings and banned him from seeing his friends ever again to me.

I think you're going to have major repercussions out of this and they're not going to be pretty.

Sorry

I take your point rubberduck and I am really worried about it. I haven't burned my bridges: I've stopped paying for membership, and I guess this means that the membership would come to an end when the month that is paid for comes to an end.
Do you happen to know if there is any way that him online possessions can be kept intact in a non-member (ie free) account, so that they could be reactivated at a later time?

He hasn't made frined in the game btw: he does meet up with rl friends there though

made friends

you were wong to completely ban him
I am an internet gamer and would be crushed if you did this to me, I play runescape

You haven't taken his feeling into account
he will be devasted and act terribly through hurt and anger
you have brought a hell of aot of shit on yourself
I would reverse the action and draw upo a ciontract of when he can play if I were you

But what I see in him is all the signs of addiction. He is stressed, irritable, compulsive about the game. I genuinely believe that it is damaging him.

for you. I think my MIL/FIL went through the same feelings with both their DS's (my DH and BIL), both painfully shy and very prone to obsessive strategy type games. My SIL on the other hand is v outgoing/social.

My DH came out of his shell at around 17 when he discovered alcohol/girls. BIL is going the same way. DH is a GP, now v social, funny, shyness all gone (although he is underneath a closet nerd who enjoys destroying the Gauls with his Roman army most evenings).

Does your ds have a mate who is involved in the D&D club? I believe initially there is lots of standing about watching other people play until you get the jist and join a game. I don't think you have to do the painting of figures either, am pretty sure you can buy them pre painted (they cost a flipping fortune mind).

TK: I don't actually play Runescape (I play Lord of the Rings Online sporadically at the moment). It mostly depends on the game as to how long they'll keep your stuff after you've stopped playing - and even then there's a risk.

I think most online gamers know how crap customer services is in these games, so if your stuff goes missing then you've got pretty much zero chance to get any of it back

I am with you - I would have banned him and my god I know what it is like to be addicted! Can you buy him a game like Oblivion instead taht isnt online? as a peace offering - some part of him may be grateful you have banned him you know

THanks slubber. I am feeling really worried now by the views o the gamers who have posted. I am sure they are right about the intensity of the loss involved with stopping the game. But we have tried lesser measures and failed. I will suggest the rl games to him again -- and you are right that painting doesn't have to be part of it.

I absolutely think you have done the right thing and I would be strong with it and stick to your guns. the internet is very addictive and is never a susbstitue for rl. can he have some friends over for a sleepover? does your local gamesworkshop have a d and d club? think cold turkey is the way to go with this. my ds is 9 and is getting obsessive about club penguin and i am addressing this .. he has to earn time online now by eg full spelling test marks. we have told him that using the pc is a privilege not a right. and we are fighting very hard against him having it in his bedroom. can you speak to some mums of the other boys he meets online and workout a collective response?

god thready dont feel guilty

did WE have computers with broadband accounts wehn young? NO! So he's lost the Sword of Elven Cleaving - sorry but it is NOT the end of the world (and I speak as someone who likes D and D and role playing games - not online though, too many nerds )

Thanks rubberduck: you are right about the crap customer service.

ENID: I'm really glad you have posted. I've never met you but I've seen a few postings about the fact that you have taken a break because of the feeling of being addicted. So you know the emotions involved. How have you 'helped yourself through' the weaning process?

He may well be addicted, but like any addiction having an external person make you go completely cold turkey isn't actually going to help the addiction and has a very high chance of actually ruining that relationship. Maybe reading up on dealing with people with addictions and how to help them might be a better approach?

For what it's worth, there's been times in my life where I've been obsessive about playing (usually more in the winter or when there wasn't anything else interesting going on in my life) and other times where I played much less (in fact, now I have kids I'm lucky if I play more than 3 hours a week, lol).

I think this is also wrapped up in him moving into the teens and needing to rework the relationship on new terms giving him the ability to make his own decisions (even bad ones) but at the same time giving him more responsibilities - although at this point I recommend someone advising you who who actually has teens as that's out of my league

Could you not sit down and make a contract with him? That you'll not worry how much he plays, but in turn he needs to have done the following first each evening/day:

• all his outstanding homework
• any outstanding chores
• must be in bed by a certain time (earlier on a school night)
• you reserve the right to check up what he's doing online
• you reserve the right to remove internet access as a sanction if chores/homework not done or grades slip (but as temporary removal - say 48hrs until he can prove that he's working hard again, not permanent)

At the end of the day, is mooching around online inherently any more harmful than mooching around tescos with his mates all Saturday? And the answer to that depends very much on what exactly is being said/done during that mooching in either environment...

Well I am back today though

I kept myself busy, I reminded myself of the times that I felt upset about postings I had read, I reminded myself how mumsnet can be negative and reminded myself that my kids are young and fab and I am spending too much time online and not enough with them.

I really think the online thing is the addictive factor

Would he consider Oblivion? you can get it for the pc and it is very good

The threads moving a bit fast for me to keep up. Lots of good suggestions. THanks for all of them. The idea of buying a PS2 game is a good one. He has mentioned one that's come out recently. He enjoys those a lot, but not compulsively and it would be a sign that I love him and am not just trying to screw up his fun

"He may well be addicted, but like any addiction having an external person make you go completely cold turkey isn't actually going to help the addiction and has a very high chance of actually ruining that relationship. Maybe reading up on dealing with people with addictions and how to help them might be a better approach? "

sorry but he is 12 and making his parents life hellish

pull the plug

to be honest, I would rather my dds hated me for a while than to exhaust all their creativity and passion on the internet (said with feeling )

Another Oblivion fan here, though haven't played it for a while.

yes buy him a ps2 game and give it to him with a cuddle

What is Oblivion? Is it on PS2? I know he has mentioned a particular game recently and if I could remember what the f it was I would go and buy it now.

no its xbox and pc

God of War is very good for the ps2 but it is an 18 and very violent