Internet game addiction (sorry, long)

[ThreadyKrueger]

My 12yo son has been playing an online game called Runescape for a year now, and has been extremely obsessive about it. He wants to play it all evening every evening and for vast chunks of the weekend

Obviously this isn't acceptable and we have battled to impose reasonable limits. The problem is that he is so, so resistant to these limits that we have major battles time and time again. I'm afraid that we have often 'forgotten' to force him offline because we can't face the scenes, and because, once offline, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He entertains himself then by picking arguments with his brother.

Following another argument this morning (about how long he can play this evening) I have told him he is now no longer allowed to play the game at all. I have closed his account on the game and made the Runescape site unavailable on his computer login.

Now I have a big problem. I don't doubt that in the longer term it will be good for him to have left this game behind. But in the shorter term, things will be awful. I did tell him that I was going to do this, but I don't think it registered - or at any rate I don't think he believed me.

He will be furious. He will pick fights with me (and follow me around the house shouting at me for as much as an hour at a time). He will not be able to find activities to entertain himself and so he will pick on his brother. He will feel betrayed by me, and extremely depressed.

It has proved impossible to get him involved in any after-school activities, and although he has a good bunch of friends to socialise with, he is very shy. He does excellently at school and loves to read. My plan is to buy him a couple of good books today, but beyond that one idea I am feeling at a loss.

Anyone been through similar or got any tips?

absolutely enid. it is ok for our kids to hate us sometimes. i think it is more damaging to only do what they will like us for.

I also wouldn't be too concerned in terms of friends etc... online gaming CAN be cooperative and ways to make new friends/socialise. No it is never a substitute for real life, but it can often help make things easier for real life socialisation.

Much like chatting to your mates at work about the TV program you saw last night, being able to chat to your friends at school about the mission you took part in together at the weekend can be equally sociable.

When I started playing MMORPGs my social life suddenly exploded - we had a ton of real life meets with people in my guild. It's really fun, I've met an incredibly diverse group of people - have had jobs out of it, have got really close friends out of it... I still now try and make a real effort to go meet these guys at least once a year (harder now many of us have children!) and always have a blast.

My long rambling point being that gaming/internet isn't necessarily antisocial.

After all... you're getting advice from an internet group of your own

Oblivion is great ... it really is...

... but it's not the same being able to do similar tasks cooperatively with your friends and being able to chat about shared experiences.

Oblivion

Oblivion, is a single player fantasy-themed action-oriented computer role-playing game

Good escapist fun.

imo if he loves strategy games I would encourage the rl d&d clubs because of the element of socialisation/co-operation with rl people iyswim.

Rubberduck, I agree that these games can be sociable -- and that you can get a great deal from them in all sorts of ways.

I don't hate the gaming. I just feel that he has the kind of temperament that means it is bad for him. And I do take extremely seriously what you say about my having destroyed his possessions and so on.

Well, oblivion looks good. Bit worried about having it on the computer though. I work from home and rely on the computer. Don't want to overload it too much. Has anyone had any problems with it on their computer?

Might this help?

How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

I don't have it, but I have the younger kiddy version which is very good.

I do think coming up with a solution that is acceptable for both of you (whether as others have said - buying a different game or negotiating acceptable use) is the way to go in terms of keeping a good relationship long term.

Thanks Rubberduck. I looked at the kiddy version recently, but I didn't know there was a teen one. Will def get it.
We have always had such a stormy time with ds1. It makes me weepy now to think of it. We always make up after the storms. But during them he becomes completely blind to reason. And I have a strong feeling that when he is being stormy he is implicitly begging me to (somehow) make him stop.

i would be wary of intoducing another addictive game to replace the online one. ime sometimes going cold turkey can be the thing for addictions. it removes the fear of what life would be like without the 'thing' by actually allowing the individual to experience it. it sounds like your son is thinking about the game all the time, probably having intrusive thoughts about it that could potentially affect his school work etc. my vote would strongly to look for things for him outside the virtual world. tell him why you are doing it then weather the storm.

Yes, moopy. I was counting on a non-online game being less addictive than the online one, but that is far from certain. What you say about addiction is right I think. He is afraid of life at the moment, and Runescape is a mind-blanket that frees him from the need to explore life. I desparately want him to have more confidence. Funny thing is, he has got every reason to feel confident: good at school work, popular, fit, slim, active.

Ideally we would find something that we could do together, or someway of making it easier for him to socialise more of the time with his friends, who are a good bunch of lads.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was conscious of feeling burdened by Runescape, and that he might even start to feel liberated by the loss of it -- after a while.

Quick update, in case anyone's interested.

It turns out that terminating an account does not delete online possessions, etc in the game. So I was able to show ds1 the email ending the subscription, weather the storm of outrage, and then sit down and negotiate terms for future use of Runescape. We have a written contract, which I hope sews up all the right conditions: should have run it past one of the mumsnetting lawyers, as ds1 is a casuistical little bleeder.

His outrage at the possible total loss of the game was extreme. Adolescent hormones raging I think. It was moving to see him look around to see what damage he could do without going too far (I could see that he was holding back). A comic moment in an otherwise awful scene: he ripped his schoolshirt off, popping all the buttons, in exactly the manner of the Incredible Hulk.

It has all been very cathartic for him, I think. We hugged lots afterwards and he was as light as a feather. He really wants to stick to the contract.

Fingers crossed.

That sounds a good outcome, Thready I hope the contract works for you both.

Next job - teach him how to sew his own buttons on, perhaps?

Thanks Rubberduck.

I am moderately hopeful that it will work. We've done contracts before without resounding success, but the fact that this one was preceded by my doing the dreadful deed of ending the account might make him take it seriously.

He knows its a last chance. Given what you and another gamer said yesterday about how dreadful the destruction of his online possessions would be (and how much I know these possessions mean to him), I think he is certainly entitled to this last chance. I hope he diesn't blow it.

Me too. And if he does, then you've given him fair warning. I think you've handled it really well

Does runescape not have parental controls? I am an online gamer (World of Warcraft) and there are usually options where you can pick and choose the times the account is accessible.

PS. A non-line game will never compare to a MMORPG for him now. Its not so much the game that you play for, its showing off what you have done for other people and the social aspects of it.

Ah, Xavielli, that's interesting. I'll look into it. I think not, though. Runescape is cheaper and simpler than WoW and I've not noticed the controls. We've set internet limits using our computer's parental controls, but it's a very clunky system and hasn't always worked well.

Thanks wulfricsmummy. It's scary, isn't it, how powerful these games are. In a way I wish I had stopped him altogether. But perhaps the experience of playing in a properly controlled way will make it easier for him to ration himself later in life. I guess these games are just going to get more and more engrossing as their sophistication improves.

He sounds very similar to my 13 yo ds who was quite addicted to Runescape and still spends too much time online IMO (following my example ) but I don't feel Runescape is an entirely negative thing for him. Even though it's online he's learnt some useful things for real life - being lured into some remote area in the game and having his items stolen was a lesson for him!, he contributes to a forum, and he's actually now getting a little bored with playing all the time and is branching out into other areas on the PC, e.g. teaching himself to code HTML.

Yes I'd rather he was a more sociable sort of child, but I'm actually proud of him that when a particular group of boys at school all moved en masse to World of Warcraft and Runescape was no longer the 'cool' game to play, he had the confidence to stick with what he wanted to do and not just follow the crowd. He does his schoolwork without prompting, he gets off the computer when told to, as hobbies go I think it could be worse really.

It sounds like you overreacted at first but have now set some groundrules that should work, and your ds will have been shocked into being a little more cooperative in future!

Oh, the offline game that my ds has also got into is the Sims - cheap fun and harmless, if you want to give something else a try

Thanks slacker. It sounds like your son has got the balance right. And, yes, there are some good things about Runescape.

Internet games are going to be a big part of everyone's life I suppose, and I guess that controlled playing is a better preparation for their presence than complete abstinence is.

hi..my dd is 11 her and all her friends are hugh fans of runescape.as soon as she gets in from school she wants to go on it.
i only let her once she has done her homework.
also i only let her play on the free account.as im not going to pay for online games.
if she had her way she would sit in front of the screen all night.it drives me mad.