Dad struggling.....

[Sadlostdad]

Not sure if this is allowed or the right place but need some help.
I am a very lucky man. Healthy and beautiful 3 yr old daughter and a partner that is the very best.
I love them both dearly but I struggle with being a dad. I would go as far as saying I hate it. There is nothing unique about my situation, in fact we are so fortunate. House,jobs,health yet I just get so stressed and down about being a parent.
It isn’t fair on either of them and just feel lost and hate myself for being like this. Think in the long term they would be better off without me.
, dragging them down all the time.
All my friends seem so much more balanced and handling being a parent. Yet I struggle to put mine to bed and panic if left to look after her. Always scared I will get it wrong and not know what when or how to deal with anything.
Any thoughts or ideas all greatly appreciated

Firstly, ADMIN please can this post be moved somewhere relevant?

Secondly, I am sure someone will come along with better advice at the moment but what were your own parents like, and does your partner know how you feel?

Being a parent will cause you stress and anxiety, it's the nature of the job I'm afraid. If however, you spend all your time worrying, then you will miss out. Distinguish between things that you can change and dont worry about them, because you can change them and things you can't...well you can't change it, is it worth worrying about? You are a parent, you will make mistakes, again it goes with the job and as long as they dont put you or your family in danger, let them go and learn from them, that is all you can do. Also you are not in this alone, speak to your other half...as they say, a problem shared is a problem halved. Your daughter will love you no matter how much you mess up too.

You are not alone, I don't particularly enjoy being a parent but at least I can be a good one by learning how... how about reading some parenting books to get some ideas on things you can do to bond with your child? Or counselling if you feel really down about it?

Being a parent is hard and it sucks a lot of the time. I think especially in this day and age when we tend to expect so much from and for ourselves and at the same time the culture around parenting is very interventionist due to the highly competitive society we live in. It's a constant worry that you're not doing enough for your kids to give them the best shot at life, anxiety really. It takes its toll on you and at the same time you're thinking about your own needs and dreams (those modern expectations) and seeing time slip away taken up with the drudgery of family life.

There are good bits of course but we have made it very tough for ourselves.

I think the fact that you care enough to worry probably makes you a very good parent. It's so easy to look at people on social media posting happy family photos and think they're all doing better than you, but people don't tend to publicise the negatives. I bet if you opened up to some of your close friends about how stressed you feel, they'd probably have some stories for you!

Hey

I am a dad so I do get what you are saying. Can you tell me what you most feel overwhelmed by and how it makes you feel?

It is hard being a parent. I very doubt that your partner and child would be better off with you. Do you spend much time with just you and your child?

Have you ever had DD for any length of time by yourself? It's hard when one person is the main caregiver and the other person feels they're doing it 'wrong' but it's ok to develop your own ways of doing things.

Seems counterintuitive given you don't enjoy it but could you try having dd yourself for say a weekend to give you more confidence?

What is it specifically that you don't enjoy?

What were you looking forward to about being a dad before your daughter was born? What moments were you excited about, what things did you imagine doing? Try and get your reality to match up with your daydreams, at least in a couple of places.

Please be aware that as your daughter gets older, she will be able to recognise that you don't enjoy being a dad, even if she can't vocalise the feeling, and that will be very damaging. Have you spoken to anyone about this? Could it be a symptom of depression?

I think Mums can also relate to these feelings. Depending on how deep they go and how much I rules your life I would recommend reaching out to a mental health wellbeing service for some therapy on understanding what’s really driving those thoughts. Being a parent to young people (toddler) is especially tough, but it will get easier. Try not to compare to others, what you see isn’t always what they seem and Imagine many other parents feel the same way. I hope you are able to talk to your partner about what your going through. I imagine she’ll be able to support you with ideas on building up your confidence with your little one - maybe some small activities.

Thank you all for your time and words.
I have tried to talk to my partner but she doesn’t like to talk about it. She get very emotional and says she doesn’t know what to do. I am not expecting her to have the answer but the talking would be good.
I don’t feel part of us anymore. I am very old fashioned an I think that is basis of my “depression”. I expect too much from both and also myself.
I get stressed anxious when we go anywhere. When just me I want to stay at home where I can resolve any issues. When my daughter cries or has a tantrum in public I just don’t know what to and hate that others are having to see and hear such a moment.
I know I am the problem but I speak to other dads and they just say don’t worry, it’s fine, go with it. Easy for them but I am like a rabbit in the headlights. I love them both so much yet hate me and ways.

One thing I think you have to accept is that pretty much all new mothers go through a stage like this. I don't suppose there is a new mum who hasn't felt like a rabbit in the headlights.

However, society doesn't accept the idea of a mother who doesn't look after her child so mums just have to grit their teeth and do it anyway. They know that they haven't got a choice. If they get it wrong, baby still has to be cared for. If they are struck down with depression or PND, they may see a doctor but they do not stop caring for their child just because they feel terrified. They know mums don't have a choice.

Ime the dads who come across as really confident are the ones who accepted the same idea from the start: it doesn't matter how I feel, it' not about me, I'm a parent now and this baby depends on me.

I don't think it's too late for you to get into that mindset though and catch up. Divorced dads who suddenly find themselves having to care alone on access days do it. Dads do it when mum is ill or having the next baby. Widowed dads do it. You can do it too.

What you need to do is what every new mum has to do: fake it till you make it, fake it by focusing away from your own feelings and on the job that needs to be done. Doesn't matter if you can't do it to perfection, it still needs to be done. Doesn't matter if you feel like shit, it still needs to be done.

You may have to plan, even write yourself a reminder list before your day out with your lo. You may forget things or fail to pick up on signs. But then new mums need to plan too. They misread signals and forget bits of equipment. It is only after weeks, months, years of gritting their teeth that they achieve that inner sense of naturalness. Grit your teeth. We did.

OP I think you may need to see your GP and get some professional help.
I don’t find a lot of parenting enjoyable and 3 is a difficult age anyway.
I think you have built this up into more than it is and you may need to speak to someone to unpack it all. You’ve become so afraid of going out that you’re now avoiding it and actually the reality likely won’t be half as bad as you fear.
The majority of children will have tantrums in public and the ‘looks’ you get are likely people sympathising as they remember those days.
Start small by popping to the park to kick a ball around for 15 minutes or go for a walk around the block.
If you engage with her doing things she enjoys I think you’ll start finding some joy in spending time with her.

Wigglewiggle's advice is good: starting small and building up. Tell yourself that it doesn't matter if you felt happy or if she had a tantrum: if you took her out as you had planned, that was a success. You did it!

Presumably you don't think your wife is a failure whenever she isn't enjoying herself on a trip to the park? Chances are you don't even think about whether she is enjoying herself or whether she feels confident when she takes your lo out, because you just accept that she is doing what mums do.

In retrospect (and my eldest was a champion tantrummer) I don't think back on those public meltdowns as a failure on my part: I tell myself that we were there and it was tough and we got through. We hung in there even on days when dh and I both felt like shit.

Parenting isn't about the glossy television Christmas adverts: it's about hanging in there when you haven't got a clue and life feels shit. Your child will remember and come to trust you because you hung in there. When they are older, have made bad decisions perhaps, or face a serious problem and need your advice, they will feel safe to come to you because they'll remember that you hung in there.

I never sway no to looking after my daughter. If Mum wants to go out, or do something without her I always say yes. We have done the shopping we have been to the park. Even the vets and other trips.
I have put her to bed and got her up. I do try. However the feeling of tension, anxiety and fear never gets any less. When my partner is out I watch the monitor more than looking or doing other things.
The same feeling of dread fills me whenever I am asked to take charge.
I see my friends just doing all the normal things like it is a second nature. I know there is no manual or “right” way. I know that mums and dads do an epic job I just don’t.
I am amazed and really appreciate the time people have taken to type some words and also about the positive words. Thank you

Thing is, you're not inside the head of all those other people: you are inside your head and you are judging what you see there. Judging it very hard by the sounds of it.

It could be that this tension is a sign of depression and that you need help for that. It could equally be that you equate feeling good about parenting with being a good parent.

I can't tell you whether you should seek help or not. But I can tell you that the only way of dealing with the daughter part of the equation is doing more.

Not just waiting until her mum wants to go out- that is still setting up her mum as the default parent in your head. Not waiting to be asked to take charge. That is putting all the responsibility of making that decision onto your wife. It's kind of making her your mother too.

Have a conversation with your wife where you don't ask her for help, but tell her that you want to do more, on a more regular basis. Say, take every other bedtime. Regardless of what your dd thinks. Just telling her cheerfully that tonight is daddy's night.

Taking her out to the park every weekend. Work with your wife to make an overall plan which doesn't put the burden of everyday arrangements on her.

We don't get confident by doing a job occasionally when somebody instructs us to: we get confident by doing it regularly as a matter of course. And telling ourselves that I will carry on doing this job whether I feel good about it or not.

Hi op.

I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself and what you describe sounds like classic anxiety to me. You say the "tension, anxiety and fear" never get any less? Can you drill down to exactly what you are afraid of most? Are you anxious or perfectionist in other areas of your life? If so, you might benefit from an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds? Or is their an on-line parenting group you could join for advice and to learn a few strategies? It's difficult ATM, but it might also be helpful for you to be around a few men who are at ease with parenting, so you can learn from them.

Also, relax! You are stuck in a place of "what if this happens, what if that happens?" You are potentially thinking of all the worst scenarios. Can try and change the rhetoric in your head? Don't think about yourself and your own reactions. Just focus on your child. See how she is reacting? Try and anticipate her needs? Set up a few simple activities with her and calmly play alongside her? Notice what she enjoys? Maybe do something with her that you enjoy? Three-year-olds won't care really what it is. You can make anything pretty much fun at that age.

And yes, agree with everyone else that most women feel scared at first too. I hadn't held a baby before when I held my first at 39 years! Also agree that, counter-intuitively, you need to force yourself to get stuck in. Practice makes perfect. You can't learn while you are in a state of stress though, so go and see the gp first. Good luck.

Hi OP,

I think a lot of dads feel like this to some degree.

I was talking to a father the other day who has an 18 month old daughter and whose wife has just returned to work after taking an extended maternity leave.

He told me that now he has to take on much more of an active parenting role he’s feeling very anxious a lot of the time.

When his wife was at home for those 18 months she naturally took on the role of main caregiver and so the dad now feels like he doesn’t know his daughter in a way his wife does, so gets anxious about if he is doing things “right” - which is his eyes means doing the same things his wife would do. This includes bath time, cooking for her, putting her to bed, general playing with her etc, he just gets anxious that he’s not doing it in the same way his wife would and so worries he is doing it wrong.

When I went back to work after my first child (when he was about 13 months old) my husband felt the same as you, and just got a bit panicky when he had to deal with our son and his routines without me there taking the lead as I had done during my maternity leave.

The fact that you still feel this way when your daughter is 3 years old may indicate you need to talk this through with someone professionally.

I can see why your wife gets upset and doesn’t want to talk about it with you - I think If my husband told me he didn’t like being a parent to our children I would construe that to mean that he didn’t love them, even if he swore blind that isn’t the case. She may also be scared that if you are not happy being a parent then it means you are going to leave them.

Nobody here can diagnose you as having some form of postnatal depression, but it does occur in men but it’s not spoken about very much - so it’s really good that you have reached out for help on here.

Perhaps you should speak to your daughter’s Health Visitor, they are there to support mothers with complex feelings about adjusting to parenting and difficult emotions they have when it comes to bonding with their children - so there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be supporting dads with the same problems.

It sounds like you are suffering from anxiety, so that is definitely worth talking to your GP about as there are lots of medications available that may help with this - which in turn will help you build a positive relationship with your daughter.

You clearly love her and your wife very much, you recognise that the way you are feeling is not “normal” (for want of a better word) so now you have accepted this, the time has come to do something about it before it snowballs further.

Well done for talking about how you feel on here - Now it’s time to take the next step and turn to the professionals to help you overcome these feelings

Thanks again. It does seem the more you do the more the barriers come down.
I do suggest and encourage my partner to go out. So it isn’t always about her suggesting it. I do plenty of background stuff. Such washing, cooking, shopping, tidying, etc to make life run smoothly.
Regarding going to the Drs and also counselling I have done both. The dr dismissed and said it’s tough being a parent and the talking just made feel I was highlighting my weaknesses.
I will try the bedtime approach.
Thanks again.

Hello! Great you are reaching out, this is a very important topic to talk about. I am a non-birth mother in a 2-mum family, i.e. the equivalent of a dad. Your feelings really resonate with me and always wished more dads spoke out about their feelings of parenthood as it can be overwhelming for the birth mother to be brought into these conversations when they are already carrying so much physical and mental load at the arrival of a new baby.
There are two things that made a major difference to my parenting experiences:

• shared parental leave: I did 4 months of shared parental leave after my partner went back to work. This was a truly transformational time for me, it allowed us to properly bond and also gave me confidence in parenting. Also, it naturally meant that weaning was my job, which gave me something that I felt I truly owned (my partner was still breastfeeding at this point, so this was great, she did brestfeeding, I did all the food meals). I know your daughter is already 3 but as she is still pre-school, would you consider reducing your working hours and be at home with her?
• talking and accepting: I tried counselling and while it wasn't quite my thing, it did start my thought process and I ended up talking things through with a very close friend and she helped me get some clarity in my thinking. I have come to realise that my anxieties mainly stemmed from 'selfishness', as in I made it all about me. I have very actively worked on this, to observe my behaviour with my child and recognise those signs when anxiety/anger kicks in and why it is. Every time I felt this way, I tried to step out of my shoes and look at what my child needed from me in that moment. E.g. bedtimes were my biggest fear, I was always very stressed when he didn't fall asleep easily and then would lose my calm which in turn would make him anxious too and then the whole thing was a disaster. Now in these sitations I just think of what he needs: he needs me to be there and be calm to help him unwind and settle. I immerse myself in this thought, and allow myself to be fully in the moment with him.

Keep talking, it really helps, especially if you are committed to make changes for the future.

Age 3 is hard, they're starting to want independence and have an opinion on everything! My DD was erm, very forthright at that age! But, it gets easier, it might seem like a long time away but when they start school as you get a break, they are busy snd so on. After that, time seems to pass very quickly. My DD is now 15 and my DS is nearly 8, I would say he has been an easier child. She wasn't difficult just very strong minded.. He is now at the stage where he will soon stop mispronouncing words, eg he says , "Mummy you are opposed to go through this door". My point is, and I'm not putting it well, it will get easier but don't wish your time away. And absolutely ask for help. I've done all sorted of things but parenting has been by far the hardest.

The topic of being selfish is one I often think about. I am the adult here she is 3. I should be the one that has the ability to reason and calm.
My partner is epic and I love and respect her so very much. I just understand and if honest can see what is needed but whenever I have a go it ends with me feeling less worth than I started.
There is more in the above stream than I have had from any professional or friend.
So I need to do it again and again. The line it gets better is not one a favour. I have been told every stage things get better. As of yet I see a major development in my daughter. Language, love, amazing moments but in me the development is not there.

I have very actively worked on this, to observe my behaviour with my child and recognise those signs when anxiety/anger kicks in and why it is. Every time I felt this way, I tried to step out of my shoes and look at what my child needed from me in that moment. E.g. bedtimes were my biggest fear, I was always very stressed when he didn't fall asleep easily and then would lose my calm which in turn would make him anxious too and then the whole thing was a disaster. Now in these sitations I just think of what he needs: he needs me to be there and be calm to help him unwind and settle. I immerse myself in this thought, and allow myself to be fully in the moment with him.

This is brilliant and beautifully put.

Not strictly helpful to OP, but posts like this always make me think about how much of a shame it is that so few fathers take advantage of the Shared Parental Leave policy in place from the government. As a father, you are entitled to as many of the 52 weeks of leave as you and your partner wish, and I firmly believe that in order for men to form equal bonds with their children it is VITAL that SPL is utilised more widely.

OPs narrative is so familiar, and it always boils down to the fact that these men just didn't spend enough time with their babies when they were small.

Try to get out of the habit of evaluating every interaction. Tell yourself that this isn't some kind of test you have to take to see if you are worthy of being your dd's parent: at this point, you are the default parent. You can free up a lot of mind space by not having these anxious conversations with yourself.

Do CBT techniques: when you go back down after a stressful bedtime with your dd screaming that she wants mummy but finally falling asleep, and the thoughts of "I'm getting no better" creep in, have a stern word with those thoughts. Tell them "I'm not keeping a score sheet, I am her dad and I'm doing these bedtimes and that's that. You can just sod off".