Dad struggling.....

[Sadlostdad]

Not sure if this is allowed or the right place but need some help.
I am a very lucky man. Healthy and beautiful 3 yr old daughter and a partner that is the very best.
I love them both dearly but I struggle with being a dad. I would go as far as saying I hate it. There is nothing unique about my situation, in fact we are so fortunate. House,jobs,health yet I just get so stressed and down about being a parent.
It isn’t fair on either of them and just feel lost and hate myself for being like this. Think in the long term they would be better off without me.
, dragging them down all the time.
All my friends seem so much more balanced and handling being a parent. Yet I struggle to put mine to bed and panic if left to look after her. Always scared I will get it wrong and not know what when or how to deal with anything.
Any thoughts or ideas all greatly appreciated

Just to say I still feel anxious about my parenting and mine are 11 and 13! I'm not sure the feeling will ever go away, after all as they say pain is the price we pay for love, but the more independent they become the lighter the burden and there are so many joys to come. It's relentless hard work when they're small and not everyone finds it easy. I didn't. Celebrate your successes and try to remember all the things you are doing right.

My stbxh had exactly these feelings, unfortunately it's why he is a stbxh.

Like a pp said, these feelings are in your head - which doesn't make them any less difficult to manage, but does mean that they're not necessarily reflective of reality.

Do you get this way about other things? It can be worth speaking with your gp about depression and if possible speaking with a counsellor, NHS wait lists are huge but many companies offer this via an Employee Assistance Programme, maybe via health insurance or even privately, counselling is a lot cheaper than divorce. I understand you want to talk to your partner, but she has her own burdens too and these kind of discussions are really hard to. There are also some really good parenting courses that are still running online, often your gp can refer you or your local council may have parenting support. It's a great chance to talk to other parents in a really open and honest way, to learn from each other and also see the real challenges behind the cosy Instagram pictures.

The other thing that my DH never managed was to get out of his own head and focus on the rest of us and our needs. I always felt so upset that if he had been able to just look up he would have seen that I had my own concerns about my parenting, that our young DCs love and need him and that he brings his own wonderful self and skills to being a parent. This also meant he never managed to integrate the children into the life he wanted to lead - it's harder when they are young, but you can find things you both enjoy. For example my dad is never one for playing much with kids but he loves woodwork and has happily spent so many hours teaching his own kids and now grandkids how to hammer and saw and make cool things. Or my brother loves cycling, so from little he'd take his kids out in a bike trailer whenever he could, and now he and his daughters mountain bike every weekend.

I really hope you can manage this. It's been a sad journey for us and even sadder because so unnecessary - but you are not alone, many others feel the way you do.and manage to turn it around.

Is one of the problems that you feel embarrassed when your daughter tantrums in public? If so, most parents have been there and understand and dont judge. It's more likely ime to be mothers who feel they are superior or old men that have caused me (on several occassions) to nearly cry when they have told me in public what a shit job I am doing when my then 2 and 3 year old are causing a scene in supermarkets. Your daughter is not unique having tantrums in public and you would not be unique to be embarrassed, but you can't hide away. Face it with calm and a smile to hide the fact you are dying inside!

I'm not keeping a score sheet, I am her dad and I'm doing these bedtimes and that's that.
Frame this and make it your mantra!

@OverTheRubicon So sorry to hear about the sad outcome of your story. Wishing you and your family all the best!

Op I think posters were telling you to seek advice from the gp about your anxiety, the tension and fear you describe, and thoughts about your family being better off without you. You haven't addressed whether you feel these things in other parts of your life, and you don't have to here, but have a think about this and perhaps go back to the gp and reframe the issue, saying that it has arisen from parenting, but maybe there is more to it? (If you think there is of course.)

And I mean this kindly but when you write "whenever I have a go it ends with me feeling less worth than I started" you are spectacularly missing the point, which is how your dd felt about it? If she is crying and upset she may be sensing your tension and unease, but equally she could just be tired and out of sorts for other reasons. Don't take it so personally. As a parent, it's not really about you any more (within reason) it's about your child. And a three year old's needs aren't that complicated; they need to feel safe and secure, they need a home, to be fed and washed, but most of all they need to feel that they are loved, that someone in their world thinks they are the bee's knees. Just relax and try and go with that for now.

As I said down thread though, if you are constantly tense and fearful, you can't access tender feelings, you can't learn, you can't attend to the needs of others properly and that's not your fault. Go back to your GP and explain.

Also meant to say, that you don't have to feel sad and unhappy to be depressed. You can be depressed when you think you are fine but everything in life feels like a big overwhelming chore and you cant get on top of it, and you can't access any joy from it. All you see is the negative.

Have a look at "Therapy in a Nutshell" on You Tube. It's excellent. It's produced by a Canadian pyschologist who suffers from depression herself and she has three young DC. She brings a lot of science based evidence about how the brain works in to the videos on various subjects and offers helpful strategies as how to strengthen yourself against anxiety and depression. You have to put the work in but I have found it very helpful when dealing with teen parenting which can be very wearying and demoralising.

Good luck!