Don't know whether to have a second DC

[jengamaster]

I never thought I wanted children but after wavering we ended up with DD after one go of letting fate decide.

Although we found the first year hard, we don't regret it at all. Once she could speak it was so much fun and we're very glad we did it.

DD is about to turn 3 and I'm 38 and it's feeling like if we're going to have another we need to get on with it.

But I don't know if I want to? I feel the same as before we had her with all the what ifs. We don't regret it one bit and would make the same decision if we turned back the clock. But I though having one would have taken those feelings of 'what if' away.

What makes me think not to is:

• I never imagine or wish for an extra person in the house. More remember the baby bit fondly.
• I'm getting some time and normality back and it's wonderful
• my career is going well and I'm keen to make the next leap
• the logistics of two childcare drop offs, clubs etc is very very unappealing.

But we have space, can afford it and didn't regret it last time. Is that enough of a reason?

So my question is - how did you choose to stick to one or have others and are you happy with your choice?

No advice I'm afraid OP but following and watching for answers as I am in exactly the same position as you!

are you a single child and / what are your feelings about having your own siblings. I'm 1 of 3 and they are very important to me.. I would feel terribly alone as a single child and therefore that made my decision of if I was having 1, it meant at least (trying) for 2.

Like you, I never planned to have children at all but got the fear in my late 30s. I was 38 when she was born.

It was a traumatic birth, she was a very unsettled newborn and I got severe PND. It was the one of the darkest times of my life. I knew I could never do it again and my DH had the snip quite soon after. That kind of takes any 'what if' feelings away.

I have no regrets and we're both glad we did it but there was never any doubt that she would be an only child. I'm looking forward to the rest of our lives. For me, another baby would feel like a regression but I understand my position is probably on the extreme end.

I hadn't actually considered that @righttothepoint I have one old sibling but 5 years older. We get on brilliantly and have always had a good relationship but the age difference meant we didn't really play that much together.

I'm lucky to have a few friends very close by with similar age children so expect her to have lots of company and friendships. But I know that's not the same.

I knew pretty much from the moment DS1 was born that I wanted one more. Whatever you lose in extra work / inconvenience / juggling, you gain in them being able to entertain each other. I wouldn't have it any other way but if we had only had one, I don't think we would be any less happy.

No wrong or right.

my siblings are over 10-15 years older than me so were never play mates either, but from say 20ish onwards we have got much closer and I know when our parents eventually go i will be very glad they are still (hopefully) around.

We are also having this debate from a slightly different angle! I‘d love another and think it would enhance DD’s life to have a sibling. DH thinks one is enough and the extra time and money we will have for DD as an only child will do more to make her happy than a sibling would. I do worry about how we’d juggle two - one baby felt all-consuming and the idea of looking after DD too whilst doing that again is terrifying. But millions of families manage it and I’m sure I’ll be much less PFB this time if I manage to convince DH!

We have two and I have moments when I think that life would be a million times easier with one (eg DH had to work today and DSs are hard to pay lots of attention to simultaneously and bedtime is complicated). I never ever wish that DS1 was an only though. Some slightly morbid reasons before he was born (I’d seen the effect on the parents of losing an only child in his late teens and I have several friends who are dealing with ageing parents alone) but he’s so different to DS1 that they bring all different types of good things to our lives. We have decided against DC3 because I’m 40 and we have a good quality of life that another DC would reduce.

I purposely had the 2nd to keep the 1st company.

I was not remotely broody for a 2nd.

But there were a few reasons:

We are older parents so will possibly not see any children hit 40. I had older parents myself who both had died before I hit 40. It makes you think about your children being lonely at a "young" age. With a sibling they still have someone to share their memories, hopefully into old age.

Having older parents mean you have a lot of worry from 35 onwards. I had a huge burden of care which fortunately I could share with my sibling. Obvs, I would not look for such care - we're a different generation - but there's not much I could do to stop them worrying, and at least it'd be shared. A spouse can't really feel your fears about your parents like a sibling can.

Also nobody can share your venting about your parents like a sibling!

My kids have no cousins or family nearby, so no wider family circle.

My godchild was an only, also with little wider family circle, and is very clingy to her parents in the house. Obvs not every Only is like that, but it worried me still.

So yeah, that about sums it up.

Best thing I ever did. Theyre thick as thieves and have been invaluable to each other during lock down. They're very different but both hilarious!

I'm 38, we have also stuck with 1. I was also never maternal.

The reasons were that I struggled hugely with the baby phase and developed awful PND. In fact the first 3.5 yrs were just so hard for us.

The thought of going back to the baby/toddler stage now is just unthinkable really! I daren't risk my mental health again. Our DS is now 6 and life is great.

I do sometimes feel guilty that due to my own struggles, he won't have a sibling. But I have to remind myself of all the great things we do together and how that just wouldn't be possible with a second. It would be a logistical nightmare for me and I'd probably spend my days rocking in a corner.

I found my first very hard and the second was easier, I knew what I was doing. But I still lost another batch of years of sleep etc. That time passes quickly, looking back, and I'm so glad to have two and see their two (very different) personalities emerging etc.

I never wanted any then had a change of heart at 40 and DD born at 42, DH 46.
There won’t be another, I adored being pregnant and have loved this first year but we can’t afford 2 in nursery Nd don’t have the time to wait until DD is 3.
I’m also terrified of having a child with a disability, we feel very fortunate to have DD and feel it’s a huge risk to have another at our ages.
If we were younger it’d be 50/50

I have a brother but we aren’t close and didn’t play together as kids. We don’t live near each other and don’t have much contact really.

I’m an only and I love it, I never wanted for anything as a child and has some amazing experiences because my parents could afford it. I have their undivided attention as an adult and all their support. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I don’t remember ever wanting for a sibling because I had plenty of friends my age.
Pretty sure the baby I’m carrying will also be an only for various reasons but I don’t imagine myself wanting more.

I have only 1 child. I had a traumatic labour and pregnancy and I left his dad when I was pregnant and knew I just didn’t want any more. If you’re happy with your child then don’t feel pressured to have more

I only have one and no desire for another. The way I see it I have the best of all worlds now, with motherhood, career, money, travel. You don't know what you're getting with kids and I wouldn't want to risk upsetting our lovely lives. That said we have v close neighbours (kids are best friends) and many many cousins for DD to play with.

Also 0 desire to do it all again.

Reading your posts, it doesn't sound as if you really want a second child, as your only argument in favour seems to be "we might as well" And all your arguments against are very valid.

I've always wanted two children and I recently had my second. It's bloody hard work! I'm sure it'll pay off but atm we are struggling!

I adopted so slightly different. I always thought I’d adopt two but having one has been wonderful, and I can’t imagine ever loving a second child as much as I love dd. Also, before I adopted dd, I was open to adopting any child but now I’d be very cautious about the impact of bringing a traumatised child into our life because of the impact on her so have decided to stay with just one,

I had an awful pregnancy, labour and 1st year with DS1. For two years I was determined never to do it again. After his second birthday, a switch flicked and I wanted another - even though I knew it meant enduring all that crap again, I also knew it would pass. Two tough years and then it would be over, the years after that would be far longer and hopefully more enjoyable. DS2 is only 6 days old but finding the newborn phase far less stressful this time and DS1 has been adorable with him so far.

I don’t think anyone should solely have a child to make a sibling for an existing child, you need to want that child too. There’s no guarantee how close they will be. I’m not particularly close to my brother (6 year age gap), however after losing both my parents before the age of 30 and having a rubbish extended family, I’m still glad to have him. We’re a little closer now but not super close, but I think I’d feel terribly lonely without him and it’s nice that our kids have cousins to play with too.

There’s a single child board on here, some threads there might be worth a read.

What's really surprising and helpful is reading all those varied replies is how I've recognised Im pleased to read that the ones that say it's fine to stick at one. Thanks @Bobblehatwobble

So I guess you're probably right @NameChange30 !

I would still love to be pregnant again though. But I also loved a lot of my travels but I don't beat myself up about reliving them.

We've saved everything from DD and I think if that wasn't all there I'd be much more relaxed about the whole thing. The pile of stuff just grows but I can't bring myself to get rid of it all as it would be too much of a commitment to the decision.

I had HG in my first pregnancy & a horrible birth. DD1 was a tricky baby & I had mild PND (which I realise now, I didn’t back then). I struggled with the bond initially & found life hard a lot of the time (although I plastered on that smile & pretended ..). I was adamant I couldn’t do any of it again and it wasn’t until 18 months that it ever crossed my brain to have another. But I’m an only child & I don’t like it. I had a happy childhood, my parents are lovely but as an adult, I long for a sibling to share the ups & downs of my family. I wish my girls had an aunt or an uncle on my side. I worry about the future & looking after my parents in old age on my own...

So I went for it. We have a 3 year gap. It wasn’t my only reason. The bad memories faded & I figured no.2 couldn’t possibly be as big a shock, I’m already in full parent mode! And I was right. I had an even worse pregnancy, HG was 10x worse. I spend 9 months grappling with it being a mistake .. but then I had the worlds quickest birth. I recovered really quickly. I instantly bonded with DD2 & felt happy & confident of meeting her needs. She just slotted right in! We’ve perhaps been lucky, she’s a laid back, content, happy little thing. She’s no bother at all. Slept well until recently & her big sis loves her. I’m really thankful my own experience led us to have her. She’s just brilliant & completes our family 😊

I'm an only and I had a brilliant childhood. Don't have another assuming your children will be close, because that is definitely not always the outcome.

I think there seems to be an immense pressure to have more than one child, which can make you question your own mind if you choose to have an only for any reason.

I'm different in that since my early twenties (I'm thirty now) I have been really broody and had I been asked a couple of years ago I wouldn't have even considered stopping at one.

My DD is nearly 8 months old, I didn't have a difficult pregnancy/birth or anything like that but somehow I feel like we're done. I look forward into our lives and I only see her, but then I have this incredible guilt that she won't have a sibling, especially when people have been asking when she's getting one since the minute she was born (what is it with that?!).

My husband and I have siblings with a large age gap (13 years) and I get on with my brothers but I wouldn't say we're close, my husband barely gets on with his brother and we see him once every couple of years at most.

I remind myself that there's no guarantees that any additional children would help with "the burden" as we get older. I saw my mum run herself ragged looking after my grandma while her siblings just caused further stress by not helping and then telling her she shouldn't be helping that much as well, the old "rod for your own back" line was trotted out on a regular basis. On the other hand, my mum has a childhood friend that acts more like a sister than her actual siblings.

Basically, if you want another child, go for it. Don't just do it on the basis that your existing child will be alone if not, a sibling relationship isn't guaranteed.

But I know how you feel, I'm also boxing everything up from DD and getting rid of any of it would seem quite final. I may change my mind yet as DD is still only small, but right now my heart tells me I'm done.

I have 4 younger siblings. I'm not especially close to them since I moved out, but I still love them and wouldn't want to be without them. I definitely want to to try for a second, but I'm holding off atm as I don't want two under 2! Helps that I had a good pregnancy. Up until the very end anyway.