Mums who struggled with first baby, how hard was the second?

[YellowEllis]

I love my toddler dearly but I really did struggle with the lack of sleep, the reflux, the isolation. I found so many stages pretty hard. I wished a lot of them away. He's one and a half now, and he's amazing. Funny, cute, cheeky, loving. I've found my rhythm with him and enjoy being a mum more. Honestly the thought of going back to the early days again petrifies me, but long term I want two, I want him to have a sibling and I do ideally want a small age gap. Can anyone who also struggled, but went on to do it again fill me in on what it was like? The honest truth, no sugar coating. I don't want to make a mistake

In the same boat here! Would love to hear other experiences.

It’s a bit easier really. Everything is less of a shock next time as you know the ropes better. In fact when someone takes the toddler out for a while or goes to playgroup it suddenly feels like you have nothing to do and time off.

I struggles a lot with first baby. Second was hard too but nowhere near as difficult

So much easier here. First wouldn’t settle. I couldn’t establish breast feeding. I had no friends who weren’t working and was soooo exhausted.
My second was a very quick birth, I knew people who were at home during the day. I had a support network and I decided to do what suited us. So bottle fed. (I can’t BF. Trust me I tried.) and co slept.
But I had a 6 year age gap (for lots of reasons) I think a toddler and a baby would have been hard.

Honestly - second was a breeze
I enjoyed the entire experience so much more

Knew what was doing more with DC2. DC2 was a better sleeper and more chilled out in general as a baby/toddler, still woke lots in night but would feed or want dry nappy then go back to sleep. DC1 had been a night horror.

BUT it was a further 3 years of exhaustion and sleep deprivation. I have v few memories of either of them being under 2. Felt v rough physically and emotionally til DC2 was 3 ish.

I never felt ‘on top of it’ with one DC, nor two I do have a MH issue, had bad job issues at the time and relationship issues too, which didn’t help.

Found it much, much easier once youngest DC was at pre school. And beyond (not hit teen stage yet!) DC now near/at secondary ages!

Much easier second time round, your life has already changed so much with the first so not as much a shock to the system with the second 👍🏼

That's good to know. I know a toddler and a baby would be hard but I don't want to get to a stage where the baby days and lack of sleep is a distant memory and have to go back to it, he still has his challenges and doesn't sleep great. Part of me thinks just get these hard years out the way in one go if that makes sense?

I only have a 14 week old son, but You mentioned isolation was one of the hard parts for you so the thing that may make this more difficult is the pandemic - it’s been hard with no baby groups or support. Services have been so disrupted.

Just something to consider so you can plan how to get the support you need

That was my thinking too OP - we have a 2.5 year old and a 3 month old. Second is more relaxed during the day, but horrible sleeper at night. But I manage her and DH manages DD1 (who still doesn't reliably sleep through). DD1 also goes to nursery, otherwise I'd never manage both (DD2 needs vigorous walking in pram or being held to fall asleep). I say go for it but ensure your DH is fully prepared to be supportive and to lose couple time for a while, and enlist help from family if you have any nearby.

DD1 is 3.5 and DD2 is now 11 weeks. DD1 wasnt a particularly 'difficult' baby, and was pretty straightforward really, but I found the early days and weeks really, really hard.

DD2 has (pretty mild) CMPA and reflux, and doesn't sleep as well as DD (although not bad at all for now), but I'm still finding it easier. I'm sweating the small stuff less and when things are tough / tiring I find myself thinking I'll never be doing this with another baby, which is reassuring!

I loved each stage more and more with DD1, and 3.5 is the best age yet. The balance can be bit tricky with 2, but a 3.3 year age gap has helped as DD understands a lot, and is independent in a lot of ways. Plus she is at preschool 3 times a week and it almost feels like there is nothing to do!

It varies so much depending on the baby, my first DS was such an easy baby, my second DS was much more difficult and the reason why there was never a third DC.

@Nelbert19

I only have a 14 week old son, but You mentioned isolation was one of the hard parts for you so the thing that may make this more difficult is the pandemic - it’s been hard with no baby groups or support. Services have been so disrupted.

Just something to consider so you can plan how to get the support you need

Yes. I had most my maternity leave pre pandemic but was quite down and never want to baby groups etc. Don't expect it would be too much different in that sense. I just don't want the age gap to keep getting bigger and bigger

So not quite the situation you asked about but in case it is helpful... I wouldn’t say I struggled with firstborn, because it was all new I just kind of went with it, and knew no different... but second time around (he’s 4 months) those first few weeks were REALLY HARD. I had totally forgotten just how demanding a newborn is with constant feeding etc. And was trying to rush ahead to some sort of routine, before he was ready. But once 6 weeks was reached and tongue tie sorted, it all got MUCH easier as he just seemed more settled and used to the outside world!
What I can add about having your second - some parts are easier because you know what you’re doing (lol) and things aren’t brand new, so for example not freaked out by the weird umbilical cord clip when bathing and don’t feel the need to keep track of exactly how many nappies and how many minutes of sleep. Sterilising, changing a nappy, working out what tog rating sleeping bag you need... nothing is new to you!! And you also trust your instincts more.
However what I was NOT prepared for was just how hard it is to try be there for both LOs. And the resentment I felt towards newborn for taking me away from the big one. Big one started to go to daddy rather than me (after always being a mummy’s boy) which made me really sad. I felt like I’d lost him! I felt I was always saying... just wait, not now, in a minute after he’s fed/changed/sleeping etc.
(Don’t worry he’s back to being a mummy’s boy again now :-) )
Oh and all those Netflix box sets and lovely cuddles dozing with newborn on your chest? Not a chance when the other one is there... or even when they’re not... because then you’re tidying up after them, washing, cooking for them etc. It is exhausting.
But... Would I change it for the world? Not one bit. Seeing how much they love each other - it is all so worth it. Our home is filled with so much love and joy (and toys... ALL. The. Toys)
Good luck

My first baby was a terrible sleeper, I was quite ill medically and they were a baby that needed a lot of attention.

My second was a very different child. Slept better, needed more sleep, more relaxed child generally.

I was also calmer, more confident and therefore it seemed easier for many reasons.

I had a bad first Labour so was very nervous of second but that also was much better and much shorter which also helped

I still find baby's boring and monotonous... I still had the same medical issues afterwards but was more prepared.

We could afford to put eldest in childcare 3 days a week so that meant less juggling and helped my eldest not feel left out.

@Sunshine0620 what you said about the older one going to daddy really resonated with me. DD1 was always my little one, but now she's all about daddy and quite rude to me really. I think it's because daddy will attend to her immediately but I'm always asking her to wait, and I'm probably also more impatient with her because I'm the one up all night with DD2 and sleep deprived... it makes me so sad, and I can't see it getting better in the short term, but can only hope it will one day.

It was hard, but not as hard as the first. And so worth it. She's 4 now and I love her (and her sister) more than anything.

DC1 is 20 months and DC2 is due in 4 weeks. I'm reading all this with interest as I'm terrified. All I ever wanted was to be a mum and then when I became one, I found it HARD!!! So much harder than I thought it would be. DC1 is a joy now. Since I went back to work really and got a little bit of myself back, so I'm worried we're just going back to the start again in a few weeks, just with a crazy toddler thrown in the mix this time!

I struggled with our first. Silent reflux, poor sleep, I found it all so stressful.

We went for a two year age gap - honestly, part of my reasoning was to get the baby bit out of the way asap and move on. We know we don't want any more.

DC2 is four months today. She's a dream baby. I now understand why people like babies, it completely mystified me before. Turns out if you get a decent night's sleep and the baby doesn't nap exclusively on you, it's quite an enjoyable experience experience. I'm sitting writing this while I drink coffee that's actually hot, watching TV. A distant dream first time around.

What does help is DD1 who is 2.5 is at nursery full-time. Plan in as much childcare as you can.

We often wonder what life would be like if we had our daughters the other way around. I honestly think if I'd had an easy baby first and then a difficult one I would've ended up with PND. You're going in with your eyes open.

Thank you.. maybe I do need to bite the bullet. I get emotional at the thought my toddler not being the baby anymore. Or trying love another as much as I love him. Honestly he's so amazing I could stop at one but I loved growing up with siblings and want the same for him. I just don't want to turn our life upside down and regret it

Although my second was a ‘harder’ baby in terms of bad reflux, dairy allergies, prolonged crying and little sleep etc, I still dealt with parenting him far, far better than I had coped with my first ‘easy’ baby.

There’s just something different about doing it the second time round - it’s hard to explain. It just feels calmer somehow.

My first baby had quite severe reflux and would not sleep unless he was held. I really struggled.

My second was actually harder as he was born with a health condition so we had a month in NICU and three major operations. The long term complications included difficulty feeding and very severe reflux. He needed 24/7 care. However despite all of this I dealt with it better.

I really enjoyed my DD as a baby although she didn't sleep through until 3 years old. I will have a 5 year age gap with this next one and I am absolutely terrified. Actually wish it wasn't happening at all!

Following with interest, 2 weeks off my due date with baby 2 And I hated the early days with my first.

First baby was such a hard adjustment. Second baby was hard for six weeks - solely down to sleep deprivation, a bit of colic for a week or so, and having a toddler too, of course.

After that, it was a piece of piss. Everything was so much less stressful the second time around. I was more sure of myself and confident with the second, and everyone was so much more chilled out.