Mums who struggled with first baby, how hard was the second?

[YellowEllis]

I love my toddler dearly but I really did struggle with the lack of sleep, the reflux, the isolation. I found so many stages pretty hard. I wished a lot of them away. He's one and a half now, and he's amazing. Funny, cute, cheeky, loving. I've found my rhythm with him and enjoy being a mum more. Honestly the thought of going back to the early days again petrifies me, but long term I want two, I want him to have a sibling and I do ideally want a small age gap. Can anyone who also struggled, but went on to do it again fill me in on what it was like? The honest truth, no sugar coating. I don't want to make a mistake

It is was fine!

Some things are easier - you feel less nervous, you know what to expect, and sometimes the baby themselves can be easier too, my first had colic whereas my second baby didn’t.

However as some people above mentioned, there is no down time at all. The baby might have fallen asleep but your older child (who might have dropped all their day time naps) still wants attention, drinks, food etc. So up you get from the sofa.

At night you might have two of them waking up and crying out, so unless you have two good sleepers it’s another level of exhaustion.

Then, when baby starts moving the arguments over toys, the baby trying to put bits of Lego in their mouth...

When I was pregnant with my second someone told me that having number two is physically harder (because you have an older child to look after too), but mentally easier. I found that really true - yes it's tough, but emotionally I felt much better equipped to deal with a newborn and knew more what to expect. Anecdotally, I've heard that if you find your first relatively easy, the shift to having two is hard, but if you struggled with your first, then going from one to two isn't so big a leap. Obviously it's different for everyone, depending on you and your children's personality, as well as the age gap and your circumstances, but I "enjoyed" my second much more than my first, even though he wasn't massively easier.

Good luck whatever you decide!

I found it really hard with my first and I’d say the first 6 weeks were really tough with my second but it was easier because I knew that it wouldn’t last and I didn’t have that hit by a bus feeling of suddenly having a baby and my life being upside down. My first DC turned 3 not long after DS was born and even with the pandemic she is company compared to being stuck at home with just a baby.
I think the experience of having your first baby turns your world upside down but with a second you’re used to the responsibility, always having a child to think of and less sleep so it’s not such a shock. Having said all that for us the 3 year age gap was necessary as id have struggled with less

I would say that number 2 you are more confident in what you are doing and feel less peer pressure - there so much pressure around breastfeeding, sleeping, weening etc.

I know it is not very "2020" but when I had my second I was a single parent and I sweared by the Gina ford contented baby book as I was worried about not coping on my own with lack of sleeping etc. I also formula fed from birth. Dc2 had his own issues though, turns out he has asd, and the routing we followed from the book probably suited him perfectly

I found then first baby unspeakably hard. The intrusion of midwives pumping through the house at whim (I had six different ones and three students - one was excellent; one professional) and they all said something different. The breast feeding was endless and I had infective mastitis leading to a breast abscess. HV was worse. The boredom of sitting for endless hours feeding was numbing as well - nobody said one cd spend 10-14 hours just sitting feeding and it was normal. Baby fratched from 5pm to 1am every day. But was generally happy. Nobody explained cluster feeding. At 5 months he got bronchiolotis; at 6 in hosp again with pneumonia - chronic asthmatic until he was about 5 under the Royal Brompton.

Sadly I lost DS2 at 27 weeks when he was 2.5 but dd was born 51 weeks later.

She was not an easy baby but I had practised on DS1 . I also managed to feed her until 9 months. I knew the ropes but the best bit was that I put my foot down over the midwives and HVs. I wrote to my GP and the head midwife and said this time I would have non more than two in the house and I formally declined the HV service to avoid conflicting crap advice and actually also to keep rather rough and not very professional women away from me.

Although dd cried pretty much until she was about 3 or 4 unless part of her body was touching part of mine in the context of readiness it was about 1 to 2 compared to ds1 where it was about 8 to 9. Largely because I knew what I was doing but also largely because I banned too many invasive twits from my home.

Overall the baby was like a chihuahua in a handbag whereas the 3.5 year old demanded all my attention.

They are 25 and 22 now and adorable.

Sleep was just as horrific but otherwise I enjoyed it more. It goes faster the 2nd time too and you can appreciate that the different stages are fleeting.
However I have a bigger gap in ages than what you've got in mind and no way would I have even contemplated it until my first was three.

VvvvvvvHard work but not nearly as bad as with ds1 which felt like a total car crash. You are so much more experienced with no.2. It's not easy but nowhere as bad a the first. Dc2 has to just fit in.

We had a really hard start with DD1, jaundice, poor sleeping, slow weight gain, reflux and fuck all help from midwives, HVs etc. I was probably depressed for the first year and in denial about it. Knew I wanted a second so braced myself for baby number 2 with nearly 3 year gap. was no where near as bad. Luckily no reflux and bf went well, in fact she was a milk monster who needed frequent feeding. It was exhausting but I was in a much better place mentally and 'went with the flow' in the early months. I knew it wouldn't last for ever which made it easier to cope with. I wasn't in super competitive PFB mummy territory either. No regrets and I love them both to bits.

my second was, and arguably still is, the more difficult of my children in almost every way. having said that it has still been easier in most respects primarily i think because, as mentioned by other posters, you know none of it lasts. i have quite a big gap between mine though, eldest was at primary when the younger one was born

In some ways it was easier and in some ways harder than with our first.

Easier because it wasn’t such a shock - the birth was much quicker and easier, breastfeeding was MUCH easier, we knew how to tie a sling and what to dress her in to leave the house, we were prepared for her not to sleep except on us because our first didn’t. And most significantly with the second you have PERSPECTIVE. You know it’s all just a phase and for me, that made it easier to cope.

BUT.

It’s harder because you have a demanding toddler too. You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps. They tag team you all night. You reach new levels of exhaustion. I developed a full of caffeine addiction with my second. They cry at the same time and you feel flustered and panicky and don’t know who to go to first. Leaving the house is a nightmare. Manhandling the toddler into the buggy with a baby in the sling is impossible. You feel guilty that you can’t spend as much time with your first as you could before, or you plan a special activity when the baby’s napping and of course the baby wakes up 5 minutes in and you feel guilty about it but what can you do?

Sooo in conclusion probably the second newborn was harder than the first.

Now they are 5 and 3 and it’s just the BEST. Not a day goes by when I’m not INSANELY grateful that there are two of them (actually now three of them and weirdly the third baby was definitely the easiest!!). Absolutely no regrets. But also very glad the baby phase is over.

Second is so much easier. I think it's all down to personalities. Second is just super chilled and happy. 1st was and still is very very high maintenance and draining. It's just pot luck

I have two, a 9 month old and a 3-next-week-year old so she was 27 months when I had number 2.

It has been a breeze! Genuinely for me, it’s only started to get more difficult now baby is on the move and in to everything but even that I quite enjoy most of the time. She’s so happy and easy going. The toddler is still mental but adores her baby sister. The main problem I’ve had is building a routine for number 2, for a while she didn’t nap at all in the day because her darling of a sister would bloody wake her up 😩 Managed to crack it a bit more now I bribe her with biscuits to sit on the sofa whilst I take baby upstairs.

One massive thing I struggled with though was pregnancy with a toddler. I had barely any symptoms my first pregnancy and thought I’d be the same with the second. Nope. Felt sick nearly every day. Could barely walk from pelvic girdle pain and sciatica for weeks before I gave birth. Exhausted. Almost fainted a few times when it was just me and DD1. And it negatively impacted DD1’s behaviour as she turned 2 whilst I was pregnant and I think picked up on the fact I was bloody knackered and couldn’t look after her like I used to. Her behaviour got so much better once I’d had the baby.

So much easier second time round! I struggled so much with DS (now 2.5yrs) - his arrival turned my life upside down, he didn’t sleep, Icouldn’t sleep, I was constantly panicking about something. Didn’t enjoy any of it, went back to full time work out of the home when he was 6 months old for my own sanity.
DD is 6 months old this week. Despite lockdown and lack of any HV support it has been a dream. As PPs have said, I’m more confident, I don’t check every little thing, she has developed into a great sleeper by herself and watching her and DS develop a relationship is amazing.
It has been a totally different experience this time round. So much so that it my more mad moments I consider DC3...

My first was a very difficult baby. He wanted to be held constantly and didn’t sleep reliably day or night more more than 30 minutes until he was about 16 months- I’m not exaggerating!! The sleep deprivation nearly killed me and I had pretty bad post natal anxiety which I didn’t recognise until I looked back with hindsight when he was around 12 months. Add to this anaphylaxis to egg at 7 months and a weeks hospital stay for pneumonia at 9 months and I’d say the baby days with my first were pretty damn hard. I didn’t enjoy them anywhere near as much as I should have and decided we’d have to have a gap so that he was at school before a sibling came along just so I could cope with a baby again and also pregnancy sickness.

Fast forward to this year and my eldest is 5 and we had our second. He is a totally different baby!! Whether that’s due to me being more relaxed or him having to fit in with us more as he is the second so can’t have our full attention I don’t know but it’s been a breeze. If it hadn’t been for the pandemic I’d have had no PNA this time round as I really prepared myself but the pandemic hit and those pesky hormones latched on and manifested themselves in PNA towards that. My second is so relaxed and easy going that actually had I had him first we’d have loads of kids and he actually makes me want a third although dh would never agree.

So I’d say learn from what you found tough first time round so you are better prepared and also prepare for a similar experience to your first and you may well be pleasantly surprised second time round!

DS1 basically screamed at me for 6 months solid. It was really hard.

Only 6 days in with DS2, but feel like it’s going a lot better. Breastfeeding is painful and hard and has led to a few meltdown tears on my part but that’s an avoidable stress if I choose not to continue. As someone mentioned above, I’m not sweating the small stuff as much. I know babies cry and it’s not the end of the world if they don’t stop immediately, I know everything is a phase etc. Generally feel a lot more relaxed about the whole thing