Not gender disappointment BUT

[Betty94]

Hi all,

I know it's a weird title but it's true, I'm not disappointed my baby is a boy and I love my son already but I'm starting to worry how I'm going to bond with him - I know boys aren't too different to girls but this is unknown territory I always pictured having a little girl and getting our nails and hair done together, watching Broadway shows etc ( I know fully well I could have had a daughter who didn't want to do those things anyway but I think it's an image we build up in our minds)

Please can you talk about how you bonded with your sons from babyhood to even adulthood and everything in between as I want to be a good mum - I just don't know what to do and what stuff boys like?

The only "boy" I hang out with is my husband

Thanks 😊

@TildaTurnip I know. I am the only person I know who was disappointed with a girl the first time around.

what do mums do to bond with their sons?

Exactly the same thing you do with a daughter. It's no different, you have a person that depends on you for everything in the early days, then you are there to guide and teach them about the world, engage with them and love them. Being a good parent is about being present for them as individuals rather than their sex.

My DH had a preference for girls, I have no idea why and don't understand it but he did and I couldn't change it. He immediately got over it when our second dc was a boy (we didn't find out the sex at scans, it leads to so much needless drama when someone has a preference). He's still young, coming up to 1, but is already such a character! Completely different to our daughter in some ways, very similar in others- of course they'd both be shocking sleepers- but that's they are different people rather than because of their sex.

You can do everything you mentioned with a boy surely?

My ds is 19 and I guess what you'd traditionally say as very blokey; football, pubs, Xbox etc. We are very close, no matter what we never shut up talking, he sits with me when I'm baking and we put the world to rights, I sit with him and watch football, he quizzes me on the players and I have to guess where they're from, how old they are etc etc. We laugh non stop. I adore him.

I also adore my dd 15, we get on really well too, but she gets bored of me and prefers to be in her room chatting on FaceTime with her mates.

You start off with a baby and you grow together. That's probably the best thing I can say at this stage, babies develop at a pace you can keep up, it's amazing how quickly you can become fascinated with something you've never cared about before when you see your child smiling.

I just want to say this again - I am not disappointed that my baby is a boy, unfortunately in society stereotypes are a thing (deep rooted in psychology) and I have found since being pregnant a lot of those stereotypes come out, people have comments left right and centre. I mean I know they are meant well like "oh boys love their mummy's" which I'm sure is true but the same will be for girls, my grandma said "oh it's a shame you're having a boy as girls are more independent" etc when I was younger and my younger cousin wanted to put nail varnish on his mum said "no you're not a puff" which is obviously a disgusting attitude
I guess my fears have come from DH talking about all the "typical boy stuff" (that girls can do too) they are going to do together like football on a Sunday etc and it's just not what I'm into so I was worried because of this I wouldn't be a good mum and he wouldn't bond to me (I'm already bonded to him) I know it's silly but I'm pregnant and worried about everything.

I just wanted to read some nice stories of mums and sons bonding. Honestly I didn't mean to offend anyone.

I think it's because mothers were once little girls so having a girl feels familiar to start with in the way having a baby boy doesn't necessarily. Let's face it a mother was never a little boy.
Then as they grow you come to realise that the baby girl isn't necessarily anything like you as a child so the imagined future activities change to what they actually like - and in my case my daughter is nothing like me as a kid! And you get to bond with your boy and wonder why you were ever worried just because boys are not so familiar to you - you may also develop a greater appreciation for heavy machinery and it takes years to stop mentally shouting "tractor!" when out and about. Apologies for the gender stereotypes but little red tractor was life at one point for my boy!

I've got a boy (and 3 girls). He's been the cuddliest baby, the cutest toddler and now I find myself absolutely fascinated with him and his wonder at the world, his passion for the natural world, his fascinating facts, his terrible jokes, the way he plays his trumpet like he's a rock star, and still, aged 9, his cuddles and the way he takes about 60 "cuddlies" to bed each night. He's a dreamer and often vanishes down the garden when it's time to go to school but I unabashedly adore the bones of him. I was a bit worried about missing out on the girl things if I had only boys (and to be fair he's not at all interested in sewing with me), but when you get your boy you'll be his no1 fan for the rest of your life.

There is no issues with your son but you stereotyping and no when I was a pregnant I did not have visions of doing nails or playing with trains or whatever stereotype is used, I just had things I wanted to do with my child and did those

No not all women have gendered stereotype thinking

My son and I bake, take walks, watch shows together, go shopping

Boys aren't that different. Mine is 9 and super affectionate and cuddly.

Congratulations on your son OP. I have a boy and a girl with my eldest being 11 and my DD 2 years old. At the moment there is absolutely no difference between how my son was at 2 and how my daughter is. Both are extremely loving, cuddly children, both love being outdoors and exploring and both love spending time with me.

I always thought if I had a girl I’d go for pink and dresses and do girly stuff but tbh now she’s here I’m actually very anti female stereotype which surprised me. I don’t think she has a single dress as they’re not practical for climbing and rolling in mud and I’ve just bought her a toy power tool rather than a Hoover as I didn’t want to encourage cleaning as something she should do.

With my son I spend a great deal of time doing his hair which he enjoys as it’s long so I’m always dying it or styling it and we go shopping and we have long conversations about his friendships and girls he likes. He still wants to cuddle up constantly and really enjoys spending time with me.

The parent you think you’ll be before they’re born isn’t always the parent you will be when they arrive as you just accept these little people for themselves.

I have 5 boys and when I found out ds1 was a boy I panicked, thinking that as it was all girls in my family I wouldn't know what to do with him. It didn't help that people kept telling me that he would wee on me at every nappy change and that I would never be able to watch the soaps again because it would be all sport on my tv from now on etc.

Turns out there is not much difference between a boy newborn and a girl newborn. And then their personalities emerge and they are all different. I have only ever been weed on once and only one of our boys likes to watch sport on the tv.

I adore my boys, they are brilliant. I don't feel I have missed out on anything not having daughters. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone who I could plait their hair etc but I could always get one of those hair styling heads if I wanted to. Would be a lot less wriggly as well

I was the same, first baby, never had any experience of being around babies that is a boy and I was not disappointed more scared of how I should raise him! Of course DH is here to help but you don't want to be left out! I understand you!
Just wait till he is here, you would have no questions about bonding with him ever again

@TildaTurnip

I’ve never seen a thread that is about disappointment or similar about a girl. What is it that is causing this?

I was majorly disappointed when I found out that my 2nd was a girl to the point I cried and wished it was a mistake (the sex not the baby) and then a year later almost to the day I found out I was having a 2nd girl I cried all the way home!

I was raised by my dad and brothers so I don't know how to do girly things (make up, hair, nails even things that require you to be delicate) but I do know how to fix cars, motorbikes, plaster build a house and I'm a electrician by trade because of them.

Posted too early

My eldest daughter is very much a girly girl but she loves dinosaurs so we bond over them, my youngest daughter is basically a carbon copy of myself and I am already dreading the arguments were going to have in her teen years.
My 1st born, my only son is the most cuddly, loving, patient boy/big brother we could have hoped for. He is my happy place my calm and my wild.... Boys are amazing 😍😍

I felt the same as u. They way i see it it was because I like what familar. I didnt have a brother, all my close friends were girls, I had nieces but no nephews.Growing up I had much more in common with my mum and dad (when I phone home its a quick hi dad how are u is mum there.....my dh is the same with his folks tbh) And like u said the only male I was close to was my husband. So whilst I loved and wanted my much tried for baby I was a bit eeek what will this be like. I now have an almost 9 year boy who lights up my life daily and who I wouldnt change for the world. I Love his wee sister equally. U have nothing to be worried about. You will have the deepest closeness with your son that will be no different if he was you daughter. Its great having a son.

@Shizzleshizshiz thank you very much for your kind words 😊

When I was pregnant I never gave a fleeting thought to all this princess, painting nails stuff that I might do if I had a girl - or indeed what I might do with a boy. I just looked forward to a healthy baby.

I had 3 girls - two were tomboys - no nail-painting there! The third was a bit more like a stereotypical girl, but I can't say I ever did stereotypically girly things with her.

Having a child is a wonderful voyage of discovery and the sex of the child is not important.

I find the whole concept of what the OP is saying completely bizarre.

You will get a lot of hate here! But don't worry about small minded people. My son is only 7 months but he's already my best friend. I think the beauty is you won't have to try, you just grow together in a way and become so in tune with each other. I imagine he'll start to get his own likes and dislikes, whatever they may be, and you'll start to be intrigued in that also and it will just happen naturally, don't stress!

My little boy is the most caring and loving little boy I have ever come across. He's a complete mummy's boy and I adore every second of it.

when I was younger and my younger cousin wanted to put nail varnish on his mum said "no you're not a puff" which is obviously a disgusting attitude

My nephew always wanted his nail painted so that's what we done.
He's now a teenager and would never admit it.
If people are going to have a problem with their children's sexuality then they shouldn't have children.

Interesting that there’s a whole section of MN dedicated to the fundamental biological differences between men and women, but if you say elsewhere that you think raising a son is different than raising a daughter you’re treated like an insane person.

My boy is nearly 3 now so just starting to really get his own interests and favourite things to do. This is a list of some things hes into:

Trucks, diggers, tractors, cars ect
Washing machines and hoovers cleaners (specifically helping me do laundry and hoovering)
Bubbles
Drawing
Baking cakes
Mummies make up- doing mine, me doing his and having his toes painted
Dinosaurs
Thomas the tank engine
Peppa pig
Going to the park
Going to the farm
Picking flowers for mummy on our walks
Feeding the ducks
Jumping in puddles
Collecting sticks and stones

Hitting things with a stick

My guess is that's a fairly average list for a boy or a girl these days so plenty of things to bond over. It also turns out that I quite like collecting interesting looking sticks and stones too!

"My son (26 months) is the most loving, affectionate, sensitive, snuggly mummy's boy"

Just out of interest, why do you still say 26 months when he's 2? Surely that ends at 18 months?

OP - you'd get the side eye and worse if you took a child to most Broadway shows. People don't pay 💰 for a ticket to be sat next to a small child.

As for taking them to the hairdressers 😂😂😂😂😂. You'll be running there alone for a couple of hours peace, trust me.

I have to admit I find your post bizarre (meant in the nicest possibly way!). Having a child isn’t about doing cute pink things with a daughter - it’s about bringing a new life into the world and helping them to navigate whatever life throws at them and loving them unconditionally through it all.

So you bond with a boy in exactly the same way you do a girl - yes, you might not get your nails done together, but that’s not real bonding, its just fluff around the edges. Real bonding is talking to your child about what happened in school that day, reading stories to them before bedtime, kissing them goodnight, listening to their fears etc. None of those are gender dependent - they are purely dependent on the effort you put in to loving and nurturing any child regardless of gender.