Buying treats for your children: How often and to what value? Spoiling vs sensible spending vs stingy ...

[peachypumpkin]

When I was little, my mum and dad were strapped for cash, so we didn't have many treats outside of birthdays and Christmas. Dp and I are lucky in that we have more £ than we ever expected to, and I'm not really sure how to adjust our spending, particularly with respect to ds (3).

We have got into the habit of buying ds a little something (value: £2-£3) most times we go to town, about weekly. Tbh, it's now tricky to not do this without a tantrum ensuing, which I worry about. Nonetheless, it felt right a while back that, because we often treat ourselves to a magazine/book/CD, ds should have something too. And the habit has stuck.

Am I 'spoiling' ds? Or not spending enough? Or is this kind of spending about right?

I'm mindful of teaching the myriad lessons around money: Not Always Having What You Want, Not Supporting The Production Of Plastic Tat, Appreciating The Value Of Money - and so on. Supposing a parent could afford to spend limitlessly on their children (which isn't the case, btw!), at what level should they pitch their spending, sensibly?

All 'big' (£5+) requests go on ds's Christmas/birthday wish lists - which seems kind of arbitrary, actually, but ds is happy with it. But as for the week-by-week little stuff - how many rides should be 'allowed' at the fairground, should ds be bought another toy car - I'm confused. Any thoughts? Thanks.

had also got into similar habit.
now have started giving DD (5) £1 per week pocket money.
She now saves for the things she wants (100 weeks for a Nintendo DS, lol!!!)

It has made a big difference to her understanding of the value of things, and that she just cant have everything she wants.

I worry about this one too. I try to keep the treats very cheap - a Hotwheels car, a comic, 5 sweets from the Pic'nMix. I will buy them books and I do encourage them to save up their pocket money for bigger things.
I don't think you can "spoil" a child by doing this, though. IMO, "spoiling" only happens when they get stuff instead of love and attention. And when their every whim is satisfied - neither of which apply to your ds, obviously.

One thing we have always done is frequent charity shops. We take stuff and buy stuff, and there is always scope for a little sermon about helping others and not wasting the world's resources and not giving money to big business (mine are older than yours!) It also gave dd when younger, the chance to indulge her "trailer trash" dress sense on her own pocket money , and it now means that, and 11, she has a fabulous eclectic style and a wicked eye for a bargain!

Oh, it's a difficult one. I only have the one ds (nearly three), and I regularly buy him small things. He's not old enough to be 'spoiled' imo, and we haven't reached the tantrum stage if he can't have something. He seems to accept it well enough.

But that, of course, could/will change.

I guess it depends on your outlook. I see toys, magazines, etc., as educational and inspirational. Will I be buying him £80.00 trainers when he's nine? Absolutely not. Will I buy him a £2.99 magazine if he affords him stimulation, absolutely yes.

We recently acquired a charity shop in our village, and that's become a pleasant habit. Just the two of us: the park, the charity shop, a gingerbread man from the bakers.

The top price on most of the toys is £3.00, so I tend to buy him something every time we go in. I do often wonder how well he will be able to distinguish, later on, what is a great toy that cost very little money, and what is a great (new) toy that cost loads.

Aaaaagggh, I don't know.

another good idea - prompted by seeker - to sell some of his/her old toys to raise funds for new ones.

i dont know. i dont tend to buy them treats much. occasionally if one of them sees something they really want then they can do (age appropriate) chores to "earn" the money to buy it, but it will take them a few weeks.

if ds is given money by someone else, i tell him its his to spend but i encourage him not to spend it just for the sake of buying something, and add it to his pot for something he's been wanting for ages. he usually listens.

It's hard to know where to draw the line. Similar situation here too. DS is 6 and an only child. He gets far more than I ever did as a child - I was one of 3 and money was tight.

I have things I don't mind spending money on - like books and comics and some sweet treats. We were out yesterday and he wanted the new Fifa 08 PS game. No way. He wasn't happy. But took him to stationary/craft shop and we bought colour paper and bits to make some halloween decorations.

I think as they get older you can explain that some little things are things you can afford and bigger things you can't and they are to be saved for or put on birthday or Xmas wish lists. DS is sort of getting the message. Although one of his arguements in favor of him getting the PS game yesterday was "it's only money"!

With dss I certainly never bought them something 'every time' we went to down, and always had a rule that I would never by something if they whinged/begged for it. (They could point something out of interest, but not in an 'I want it now' attitude.)

Sometimes (maybe about 10-15% of trips) I would buy something small as a treat, and a reward for being good.

I can't stand children whinging and whineing in shops for stuff, or having tantrums when they don't get what they want. And it was important for me to use rules/guidelines such as the above to ensure they weren't fixated on material things, etc. As a result they have almost always been a pleasure to take shopping. (They are 8 and 10 now).

Personally, I think your only issue here, is the fact that on the odd occassion that you say no, your ds dowsn't like it / has a tantrum.
Not surprising really.
I don't see it an a spoiling issue at all.
Ds (3.9) always asks for a magazine, when we go and do our weekly shop. Often I say yes. But I do say no. And he has to accept that. Not always. The 'right' to a magazine, does not equate to getting one EVERY time. Sometimes we have minor grumbles, but he is generally o.k. with that. And thus, it is fine with me.
If a child EXPECTS something everytime, maybe that is a slightly different issue, that needs to be addressed.

I think I'm quite similar to Roisin. In our family, the children gets loads for christmas and birthday, and given that their birthdays are quite close to christmas, they tend to get given stuff that is put away for during the year. So I tend to almost never buy toys etc in town. I also have a policy of not buying something every time we go into town because I don't want her to come to expect it - and largely she doesn't. Sometimes, throughout the year, she will get magazines and small books (just a couple of quid) bought for her ... but this is certainly not every week, not even every fortnight and if she says "I want" then she definitely won't get it. I hate it when children whine 'I want...'.

When family go away on holiday, they might bring back a little present, or give her some money for being a good girl, which she can save up and spend however she likes. She has 50p pocket money each week which she is allowed to spend on either a ride, a chocolate bar or a packet of crisps. That's her choice(she also gets other pocket money to save up for things too). She also gets given some money when she goes away on holiday (about 4 - 5 times a year, including weekend breaks) so she will buy herself something then, but apart from that it is almost never.

I think I'm quite tough with her, but its not that we're hard up for money, because we're not - just I do believe children have got to be taught the value of things and to appreciate what they have got. My DD knows if she breaks something, it goes in the bin and it won't be replaced - so she is quite careful with the things that she owns. She is almost 4.

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what's wrong with stingy?

As soon as children get the slightest whiff of a regular treat they never stop harping on about it and that habit has to carry on for ever and EVER.

So I've never bought them something every time we go down town or every time we visit a particular shop. I keep it random to minimise child-nagging and maximise element of surprise and parental generosity.

I try to stick to giving relevant things that build on his learning, so say DS1 really starts to get in to his castle and knights I might buy him a book which is all about the inside of castles. Say his Playdoh starts to get dried up, I'd buy a new set. In the summer I bought him a craft kit so he could colour in, paint, cut etc. whilst he's not at nursery. Also if we go somewhere like Beckonscott railway we would probably buy a special day out gift because the day out in itself is a treat. He does get quite a few things throughout the year in this way. Books especially...I take the view that you can't have too many.

That said we never actually buy anything when we're in a shop with him (gift shops excluded) because it becomes an expectation, hence the tantrum and because in the ELC there is simply too much choice and he would never choose anything that he needs, so he might choose a duplicate Fire Engine that's a bit different to the one he has.

When he's older he'll get pocket money and then I would happily take him to a shop and tell him what he can afford.

Agree with Roisin. I'm afraid mine have learnt to chant "we're not buying, just looking" from an early age but it does make for a more peaceful shopping experience if there is no expectation whatsoever.

Plus if I was to buy each of them a little something every time we went into town, I'd be skint pretty quickly!

I tend to just go ahead for things that have an educational value - books, DVDs, pencils, pens, paper etc I buy as soon as we need some more without waiting for an occasion. Some of the bigger educational toys - a dolls house, a farm - were given at Christmas/birthday, but some things eg a scooter, a tricycle happened at other times, just because my daughter was ready for them.

She gets 2 turns on the merry-go-round every Wednesday lunchtime. At the weekend she often gets some pony rides or a trip to a paying playground, but on other days she just gets the free park/playground.

I don't buy plastic rubbish ever, nor magazines. I do buy sweets and cakes in moderation, but generally as bribery or condolance.

All depends on the behaviour, if I think DD or DS has been good enough to warrant me buying them something, then I will. But sometimes I'll say, 'that's a load of rubbish, it will break really quickly and end up in the bin how about we live it and go swimming on saturday instead'.

Spoiling children is not necessarily buying them things, IMO it is giving them things they do not deserve, whether it be attention after theyve been little rascals or a cake after theyve thrown their dinner all over the floor.

As for learning the value of money, DD told me her arsehole father had given her a whole five pounds to buy sweets, which stuck in my throat as she thought it was wonderful, (it was the first time he had seen her in months) so I sat her down and explained how much things like bills cost, shopping, sky, clothes etc and how much wages were for different jobs.

She now understands that for shooping for four people for example £80 isn't a lot, but for a toy she ahs seen on the tv it is a lot. That comes with age though, until then I think the value isnt as important as appreciating getting something.

I used to buy DS1 (3) treats if I was out shopping with him or in the supermarket, however he started pestering for them which I didn't like so I stopped.

I made him a sticker chart and told him he could earn stickers by tidying his toys etc away at the end of the day, then when he had 9 I would count them then buy him something. Its normally only small stuff, magazines, hotwheels, biggest I got him as a special thing was a poster which cost £5 for his bedroom. This really seems to have worked. He realises he has to 'work' like Mummy and Daddy to get his things and it makes him tidy up

I don't think theres anything wrong with buying things for your children if you have the spare cash, I just didn't want him to expect it all the time.

I love buying treats for my children. I'll probably spend £30 a month on new toys for them. I don't tend to buy the toys when they're in the shops with me though. When they're with me they'll usually just get some sweets.

However, now that it is the run down to Christmas they won't be getting any new toys. Instead I'll be saving them up for 25th Dec.

As long as my children appreciate their treats, and don't take things for granted I don't see why I shouldn't spoil them.

Spoilng them in monetary terms doesn't in iteself make them spolit brats. It's their attitude and values that impact on this.

I guess you should just go with what seems right for you and your children.

Mine are slightly older now but sometimes if they want to buy a Playstation game or similar, they put most of the money towards it and I'll give them £5 towards it. I know if they contribute their own money they really want it otherwise it is just wanting for the sake of it.

They both get pocket money and magazines each week.

God I'm feeling really stingy now. I worry about this whole subject too.

I don't ever buy my 3 anything, I should add they're only 3 and 4 but I really don't see the point. For what reason? They have loads of toys so don't need anymore, I don't want their teeth to rot so why buy sweets and most comics I've seen are over priced rubbish(C-Beebies and Charlie & Lola being the exception).

Why should they be bought stuff???? I just don't get it. We often mooch around toy shops but they never once ask for anything. A friend of mine doesn't take her kids into toy shops becvause she says it's cruel if they're not getting anything-what!!!!!

Having said that we spend a fair bit at Xmas and bdays now as we like quality toys eg Playmobil etc which costs. I justify it as we don't spend much on them throughout the year. However I do worry that a huge pile at Xmas also gives out the wrong messages. We didn't have half the amount they do but I do wonder if giving them what we had is fair as our generation has more to spend than our parents generation did whether we like it or not. But I really don't like the mountain thing so what is the answer???

If I had more money I would buy them a book at Waterstones every now and then but we don't so it's the library which they adore and books for Xmas and bdays.

It's such a difficult question I'm in no way judging people who have a lot of money to spend on their kids throughout the year. It must be far trickier for you.

This is a difficult one for me too and I appreciate reading what everyone else has said.

One thing though training your kids into always having treats means when they're managing their own money they'll treat themselves to CDs etc whether they can afford it or not. This could be a problem if they don't earn a lot or when they become students or when they become parents!!!!

DD gets the odd bits here and there, but not stuff when she asks for it. Mostly cheaper bits and bobs such as magazines, books, HSM stickers, etc.

She has £1 pocket money which she saves up for things she might want.

Fairground rides, etc. are totally different for us. If we go somewhere where there are rides we will tell DD when we get there how many rides she can have (will judge it depending on cost and how long spending there).

And we recently did the selling of old toys and games. Raised £300 which we used to buy a Wii and some games.

I buy books and high quality art materials freely, not as special gifts as I always want them to be available.

I am concerned about the working conditions in chinese toy factories and try not to buy these or to buy them secondhand. We also sell or give away our old toys.

Sweets are only for birthdays but I buy cakes quite often.

Clothes are bought (too) often but have no status as presents in our house.

I take dd to places where you have to pay to get in as often as I want to and can afford it.

After a certain age (maybe 5??) I think you find that a birthday will not be special unless you have cut back on regular gifts.

I love treating my DS and often buy dvds, toys, books etc - probably spend approx £50 a month. Clothes are a necessity and I tend to buy at the start of the seasons in bulk and then bits and bobs as needed. I dont buy clothes for xmas or birthdays.

I do most of my shopping online but if we do venture out I know he may point things out but doesnt expect to get anything or cry if he cant.

I tend to do what Joutney does and once October hits everything I buy is usually for xmas bar the odd small item. I love xmas and do go over board a bit, I try and buy toys suitable for now and some that he will grow into during the year.

Its down to personal choice, I dont believe in only buying toys or treats on xmas/birthdays as I wouldnt wait until either one to treat myself to something.

I started a thread like this when DS was 3.
I couldn't buy myself something (mag / book etc) without buying him (and DD) something, it wouldn't seem right.
Since then we've had financial highs and lows and he's able to understand if I say, 'I haven't got enough money this month'. He will also say he doesn't want anything if they don't have the comic he wants.

Ie he's less materialistic than me!