family life not as I imagined it

[walnut87]

Hi. I think I need to get this off my chest and just wondering if anyone has been through similar and found that it gets better. This is long, I apologise and thank you I’m advance if you read it.

I had my first baby earlier this year. This year has admittedly been ridiculous with us all having to shield, partner working at home for six months off kitchen table and worrying about his job and studying. The stress has been a lot to take and I had PND early on. I’m much more level now but panicky about going back to work soon.

I’m just struggling as I feel, to be honest, like we aren’t a family unit. He has said he has struggled to adjust. I know he loves us very much but he is so desperate to cling onto his old life it’s impossible for me to talk to him about it... it is hard to communicate with him about this stuff and I am trying lots of techniques and things change for a couple of days then go back.

He is working really hard at work and then on the weekend has a huge list of stuff he wants to get done, some for us but lots for him or other people. He is very generous with his time for his family and friends. he is often late to work/home and when I tried to get to the bottom of it he was weird with me. He takes it as a given that he can just get up and go and do things without negotiating time with me for looking after our daughter, if that makes sense? I am expected to use her naptime to do what I want to do.. which is basically impossible as there is housework to do (I don’t have high standards in this department either) or sleep to catch up on. He has apologised once for being selfish but that hasn’t changed things. He does a LOT for us but it isn’t a) childcare or b) looking after me. If I raise things he just goes on a rant about how busy he is... Perhaps I just need to get a grip? Am I expecting too much?

We’ve barely done anything fun together all year, I know it’s been crazy but I had this dream of taking time to do stuff together as the three of us, go see new places, but I can barely get him out of the house. He can’t take holiday because work is weird. With covid cases rising I don’t see how this is going to get any better. He literally hasn’t taken any photos of me and our daughter since April, it’s sort of like this precious time of her life is just disappearing away and he’s not a part of it? When I say anything he just says “well I was at home for six months so got to see her whenever I wanted”

I bring baggage to the table because I was brought up by my dad while my mum worked and so I am aware and always trying to balance my expectations of him. His family were and still are very traditional. I was brought up to be really independent but increasingly feel like I’m being squished into this old fashioned female role. He’s rarely asked how I am, even when I’m at my lowest. It’s like all empathy has gone out the window.

Is this just an adjustment period? I love him very much but I’ve found myself so frustrated with him SO often this year I am worried that it will be this way forever. Is this just a thing families go through before they find a happy equilibrium? I have no idea how we will manage when i go back to work and I mentioned it to him and he became incredibly defeatist. He is clinging to pre-fatherhood life but I am sort of desperately trying to cling onto some semblance of me. Hoping someone can give me some hope that this is all just temporary >.

@Hellothere19999

My situation is vaguely similar but not loads...my partner does help, however I understand how you feel. The thing that changed things for my partner and also made him open up abit (I had been feeling quite miserable) was making him look after dd for a day. I dunno if this would work for you but at the end of this day with her (he took her to see family so had help) i asked him to get the washing out of the dryer too and he said he’d found the whole day so hard and so tiring! It meant we really discussed the changes and how it really isn’t what you expect etc and how tiring it is. Things have been a lot better since then tbh. Maybe you could try?

I'd love to try this as my DH thinks looking after baby is my 'job' sort of since I'm on mat leave... I guess he's right but he doesn't seem to get how much bloody easier working is and how much shorter the hours were! I'm with DS all day and all night, totally zonked. Did you bf? I'm ebf so I struggle to see how DH can take DS for long...

Ok, so clearly ive rattled you. Theres a lot of ignorance very clearly shown about the issue on this thread. The complete discounting of mental health issues in men after the arrival of a baby annoyed me - like it could never possibly be a thing.

Dont try and belittle my 'investment' in the subject.

The fact is that depression in men following the arrival of a baby IS called PND, its just different from the female version. You've already said depression comes in all shapes and sizes. So all the posters saying 'PND is down to hormones following birth so it cant possibly be PND', are wrong. It manifests differently. Have a look into it. I hope my 'investment' in this area has at least shed some light on the topic.

Have a good evening.

It is early days but he is wearing out a rut by not starting out carving room for family fun. Babies mostly eat, sleep, poo the first year so are not much fun, but he does need to gradually start making time with the baby alone and as soon as possible with you plus baby. It will help the two of you reconnect before the baby becomes a demanding toddler too. We used to reserve every Saturday as a our family day with evenings after children sleeping with each other as a couple. Sundays we set aside for extended family and friends. Then we each had an evening off to go out do a hobby be not a mother/father and not a wife/husband during the week. (This went up to two nights a week once children were old enough for a babysitter). You just need to jointly figure out what would work for you and your new family. It’s not instant. It takes trying different things, routines and ideas until everyone is happy and their needs are met.

I think it would help him to say no to some friends and family to start. It sounds like he is spread too thin and juggling too much right now. It would be worth talking to him from that perspective that his plate is too full as it is before even bringing up how more family and couple time is also needed.

Letsallscreamatthesistene nobody whatsoever is discouraging mens mental health issues. Its a massively well publicised problem area. It pisses me off that men have to be centered in everything - they cannot be post partum. They cannot gestate a foetus. They can have situational depression following the birth of a child - but they can't give birth, they can't be post natal, they can't have post natal depression, no matter whether well meaning groups have decided to include peopke who cannot be post partum in the group who might suffer from post partum depression.

All kinds if depression can be serious, they don't all need the same name.

Hormones a not a silly little female thing to be discounted by putting them in parenthesis in order to sound sneery. The endocrine system impacts evwry element of human life including depression. The hormones involved in each type of depression are not identical, just as types of depression are different.

*discounting not discouraging

All who responded to me did.

With phrases like 'silly little female hormones' and 'men are at the centre of everything' I feel your responce touches on something wider than PND in men, (and it IS called PND in men however you feel about it- again, look it up).

Letsallscreamatthesistene those are not the phrases I used, you've deliberately misquoted me.
Men's mental health issues are a very widely discussed issue rooted in toxic masculinity. I'm aware there is a move to include men in the term post natal depression but it is word salad because men cannot be post natal. Men can get depression triggered by tbe arrival of a child in the same way adoptive parents can, but it is not post natal depression if the sufferer is not post partum.

Its what its called. You can argue at me all you like.

Have a good evening.

Thank you all. I will start working out boundaries and have that conversation with him in readiness for me going back to work. The way people are describing it, with family days together etc, is what I want. The pandemic and shielding has thrown a lot of this stuff off course; dd is exclusively breastfed and while we were managing to get her to drink some formula from a bottle, there were so many issues (wind, bad reflux, lockdown) that we never really managed to stick at it. So he hasn’t really been able to do as much as he would have liked, I know, she is v attached to me because of the food so it’s not possible for him to “do nights” etc. Which I appreciate, and so I get that that will have hit his confidence too. I just want to feel that cohesion, so need those strategies. Thanks for all the suggestions again. :)

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

As a parent of teens and someone who returned to work after Ds was born and then became a SAHM I have to say that I do notice that there is a lot of emphasis on "family time" where everyone comes together as a family, but what you also need to acknowledge is that if a woman is on maternity leave then she is building a relationship one on one with her child.

The man also needs to build this relationship one on one with the child too. He can do everything that the mother does unless the baby is breastfed.

Dh was completely hands on from Ds being born. That meant I breastfed Ds and he would take over, wind him, change his nappy etc because I was doing that in the day when he was at work.

It is hugely important that Dads learn the full responsibility of parenting. That means that they are left for periods of time with the child, working out how you go to the toilet, or prepare a lunch with a child that needs your attention. I had a lie in on one weekend day and Dh had the other.

God forbid if you were poorly and ended up in hospital for a few days he would have to know what to do and when to do it.

Dh has a great relationship with our sons, even now he will take one son with him if he needs to go somewhere (not in covid times) but if he is going to the shops he will take one child. I then spend time with the other one.

Dh grew up in a very traditional household, his Dad never changed a nappy, ever. His Mum did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, he told me he never wanted to be like his Dad. He made a decision to be an involved parent.

This is a bit tasteless considering I’ve already stated I’m a shielder, ending up In hospital when I go back to work is sadly much more likely than I’d want it to be. I resent the implication that somehow I’ve not prepared us for this. Thanks.

Hi op

If it helps at all I went through all of this with dh initially too. He comes from a very very traditional home and background and I ended up doing all cleaning cooking and baby stuff. Also he moved into my house so I even paid all the mortgage.
At weekends he would go home to his parents. One day I just flipped as he landed in for his evening meal at 6pm I had burned myself holding a crying baby and was so stressed. He was even taking about going back to retrain.

I think men have a very selfish view of the world (only my own opinion and I know not all are the same).

I would absolutely take a break very regularly. When he comes in.. You go out for a walk or whatever. I had to nearly leave mine to show him I wasn't putting up with it. As it happened my work took off and often work 6 days. We moved house and he now pays more than me. Stick up for yourself.