Readymade family

[SMT25]

Hi.
I am new to Mumsnet. I have no children of my own (yet) and have married a man with two teenage children.

Admittedly, I did not do enough homework on the reality of what my new life would be like.

I get on really well with my husbands children - though the younger one gave me a really tough time at the start of our relationship and marriage (even though her parents had split up many years previously and that Dad had had another relationship before me).

I have worked really hard to build relationships with both of the children and also with their mother. Their mother is a daily part of my life as she is in constant contact with my husband (always about the children). Her brother is married to my husbands sister, so she’s still a part of my in-laws family. Messy hey!

I have had lots of things to learn and lots of things to accept about my new life.

We have been married for just over a year. I feel very lonely a lot of the time. I know I will never be at the top of the list for my husband and that I will not have the same experiences that other newlyweds have when it is just the two of them. Knowing this however, does not make life any easier.

I feel I have married ‘a Dad’ - a great Dad who is devoted to his children. However, I feel there is very little husband left for me. I get little attention. He is not naturally ‘huggy’ or playful (as I am). He does not have a network of friends that he sees or talks to and is perfectly content with being in his own company. I on the other hand enjoy spending time with friends.

My husband knows that I am ‘down’ and feeling ‘low’ at the moment but does not do anything to make me feel any better (though he would argue otherwise). He ‘leaves me be’. We are currently arguing over money again, as I pay for half of everything but also pay for additional things for the children - and we do jot share the cost for these things.

I am quite lost at the moment and feel very alone and fragile. I am hoping through this forum, I can get a bit of friendly advice on how to handle finances (who pays for what etc) and how to get my husband to understand how much I feel like an add-on to his life.

Thank you.

I don't want to leave your appeal for help and support unanswered, but can't help thinking that these are points that should have been ironed out before you got married ?

When one half of a couple is single and commitment free and the other half has two dc, then that would have been an important thing to have discussed before there was any commitment. It is something that your attitudes towards money / spending / saving sharing need to be thought about for any couple, but is clearly going to be fa more complicated when one has dc.

Then the issue about you wanting to have friends round / go out / being around people and him wanting to be alone. Did that not come up when you were 'courting' ? It isn't insurmountable, but is fairly prominent in choosing a partner.

I'm not sure what a bunch of us saying what we do with finances is necessarily helpful. It will depend on dozens of things, including income (both) , outgoings (both), how much the dc are with you and what financial arrangement is in place. It will depend on housing, and on longer term plans (eg if you are considering starting a family of your own or not). It will depend on who brought what into the marriage in the first place, if you are naturally cautious spenders or savers or if you are spenders, and so much more.

Thank you for taking the time to post.

Naively, finances were not discussed before we got married. We did not start to live together until after we were married. So the problems we have now, were not apparent before.

I earn more. We live in my house but share all costs 50/50.

My socialising is not an issue.

I realise there is probably little anyone can say, but when you’re desperate for help and support, every little helps.

You married a man without ever having lived with him first!? Why!?

What age are you both, OP?

Are the children with you full time?

What items/activities are you paying for for the children? What do you think is fair?

Are you finances pooled or how do you do it? Does your husband have enough money left each month to pay for the children out of his own income?

Sorry for all the questions- just think that details will allow people to formulate the best advice or come up with suggestions.

Plus, not being horrible, but you say you don’t have children of your own “yet”. Are you actively trying to conceive? If so, I’d strongly recommend holding off until you get this issues sorted and everything is a bit more stable.

Do you have shared finances?
I lived with my DP and financially it was killing me. It just hadn't occurred to him that I couldn't actually afford to subsidise his family. For us a shared bank account made sense. That way all of our income was pooled and so were our respective outgoings. I was still paying mortgage and bills on a house I didn't live in (long story/my own dependants)
You do have to be prepared to have some uncomfortable conversations.

It's great that you are working. Really think hard about having a baby until,you and your dh are more financially stable. It's usually the woman who ends up stopping work and this can lead to difficulties later.

Did your dh have time for you and your relationship before you got married?

How much time do the children spend with you?

Do you have things you do outside of the family?

I'm a second wife too and it's hard in many ways. The feeling of coming second and not having so many shared 'firsts' because he's already done that with someone else.
You need to shift your own expectations a little or you will always feel a bit bereft. If you love him, see a future in this relationship then you need to reframe that thinking.
Communication is really important between you and your husband.
My SC's are in their 20's now and no longer living at home and our family dynamic has shifted again. They are still our family but the day to day stresses are in the past.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond, I genuinely appreciate it.

Forgive me, I am new to this - I have no idea what OP, DC, DH and DP are.

Ohalrighten:
I am not from a different culture. Culturally, it is not permitted for me to live with someone before marriage.

TownHallDesigner:
We’re in our very early 40’s. The children stay every other weekend and visit once a week. Stayed more during lockdown and for a week at a time in school holidays.
We have a shared account for bills etc and each transfer an agreed amount of money into the account each month.

I buy various clothes/accessories and toiletries for the children - outside of our shared costs.
Holding off TTC is probably sensible, but my biological clock is already against the odds. Tragic.
My finances have really increased - I have gone from paying for one to splitting the costs for 4 - it’s quite a jump. Yes, he has enough money to pay as he was doing so before he was with me.

Beemur:
We have had lots of uncomfortable conversations but nothing seems to last very long.

FancyNancy:
Thank you. Yes, I work full time. The children are with us every other weekend and once a week. One of the children stays with us more often as the relationship with the mother is very bad.

We do very little outside of the family. Unfortunately, as lovely as my husband is, he is not someone who plans anything. When I am motivated and have the energy, I will suggest various things and then organise them for us to do.

Thank you Beemur. You are so right, I do indeed need to shift my expectations. It just gets me down sometimes, and now is one of those times.

@SMT25 but it's permitted to live with a divorced man who already has children? Im sorry OP but this was a real error, and incredibly unfair on his children. I really feel for them in this.

I think you should make a list of what can be changed and what can’t be changed. For example, the financial arrangements and social life can be changed.

Not being his first wife can’t be changed. But is there something either of you could be doing to make you feel better about that? Have a real think about what is bothering you so much about that.

Then sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel and what changes you would like to make.

Your marriage is very new. Now is the perfect time to negotiate how you want your marriage to be.

I don’t think you should be paying for clothes and or anything major for the children. A few toiletries so they have what they need when staying, fair enough. Clothing and large food shops for the family, though, should surely be his responsibility, surely?

I think it’s lovely that you’re being such a great step-Mum, but if my DH and I split, I wouldn’t expect his new partner to buy anything significant for the children-nor would I expect that of my new partner.

Why do you think this is unfair on his children? I get on perfectly fine with them and they do very well out of the arrangement. One doesn’t get on with the mother so gets to escape and be with us. I constantly buy them things they need (and don’t need!).

@HeddaGarbled Thank you so much. That’s a really good idea. I shall try that. Thank you.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 Yes, this is what I think. But it causes huge problems whenever it is brought up, as my husband feels is it ok to split the large food shops, take always etc 50/50.

@Ohalrightthen I really think you have misunderstood the situation.

If you generally have them alternate weekends and once during the week, you have your husband to yourself the rest of the time, surely? I 'get' that he is a devoted dad but he must have some energy left. Teenagers usually have their own social life too.

@SMT25

Why do you think this is unfair on his children? I get on perfectly fine with them and they do very well out of the arrangement. One doesn’t get on with the mother so gets to escape and be with us. I constantly buy them things they need (and don’t need!).

Because when you move a new adult into your children's lives, make them live with someone new, there should be a trial period. They should feel like if it isn't working for them that they can say so, and that they'd be listened to. Obviously, if you just jumped straight in and got married, that can't happen. They just have to live with it. It's a very unfair thing to do to children, IMO.

I’d explain that you can’t keep paying out so much for his children, they’re his and his ex-wife’s responsibility.

There’ll probably be a row but he’ll have to admit that you’re factually correct! Good luck.💐

The costs for the children need to be factored into your family costs. Your husband (DH-dear husband) should contribute more to your joint finances to cover this
I was happy to get the things my DSC's (my step kids) needed, but with the joint account money.
My philosophy is that you either are all in and share it all, or you end up breaking down bills into relative amounts. You just have to decide what works best for your own family.
Regarding starting your own, frankly speaking time isn't on your side, but the window isn't closed yet. Good luck.

@Ohalrightthen
Nobody jumps straight into a marriage. I am guessing you have not had a similar experience as your answers seems very blinkered. I thank you for your time all the same.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 Thank you. Your message is reassuring x

@Beamur Thank you so much. All of your messages through this thread have been really helpful. Thank you also for expanding on the abbreviations!! Thank you for your help and good luck wishes. I have food for thought now and can start to think about what to do next to improve my current situation. X

@jessstan1 Sadly not. We both have very busy work lives and his communication with his ex takes a lot of head space. By his own confession, he literally is unable to multitask (there are medical reasons for this also). So sometimes, his energy is taken up with work and careful communications with his ex. Sounds far fetched I know.

@SMT25 i was actually in the exact same position as a teen. My dad married a woman and moved her in with us (also for religious reasons, no sex before marriage etc etc). She was lovely and it worked out brilliantly but i will never, ever forget how scared i was when he told us, and how clearly i felt that neither of them had given a second thought to what would happen if it didn't work for us kids. We were just going to be stuck with her, regardless of whether it worked for us or not. It was terrifying.

[quote SMT25]@jessstan1 Sadly not. We both have very busy work lives and his communication with his ex takes a lot of head space. By his own confession, he literally is unable to multitask (there are medical reasons for this also). So sometimes, his energy is taken up with work and careful communications with his ex. Sounds far fetched I know.[/quote]
This sounds like he's moved his kids into your house and got you to pay for them and take care of them so he doesnt have to. I think you've been played OP, sorry.

So one of the things that could be changed is two evenings a week and one weekend day when he does not communicate with his ex, but devotes his time and attention to your marriage. That’s a reasonable request (barring emergencies).

@Ohalrightthen I am sorry to hear that you had such a negative experience. I assure you, we moved very carefully with the children. I did not meet the children until I knew things were serious. I tried to meet their Mum before I met them, as I thought she would want to vet who her children would be spending time with (understandably, she wasn’t interested). I spent time with my husband and his children before we were engaged. Like I said, the younger one gave me a really hard time and I had to tread very carefully. Both the children are happy with the set up. I was very aware they had met a previous girlfriend and that I could be seen as ‘another one’.

My issue is not about the children, my issue is about paying for lots and lots of things I do not think I should be paying for, and the fact that I feel like an add-on to my husbands life - his ex is such a daily fixture, still a part of his family etc.... it’s really hard sometimes.

As you are married why isn't it all just family money, rather than the concept of 'paying for half'. In our house it's joint finances and I just view the money as ours and we're not even married yet. Might save a lot of arguing and bother.