Readymade family

[SMT25]

Hi.
I am new to Mumsnet. I have no children of my own (yet) and have married a man with two teenage children.

Admittedly, I did not do enough homework on the reality of what my new life would be like.

I get on really well with my husbands children - though the younger one gave me a really tough time at the start of our relationship and marriage (even though her parents had split up many years previously and that Dad had had another relationship before me).

I have worked really hard to build relationships with both of the children and also with their mother. Their mother is a daily part of my life as she is in constant contact with my husband (always about the children). Her brother is married to my husbands sister, so she’s still a part of my in-laws family. Messy hey!

I have had lots of things to learn and lots of things to accept about my new life.

We have been married for just over a year. I feel very lonely a lot of the time. I know I will never be at the top of the list for my husband and that I will not have the same experiences that other newlyweds have when it is just the two of them. Knowing this however, does not make life any easier.

I feel I have married ‘a Dad’ - a great Dad who is devoted to his children. However, I feel there is very little husband left for me. I get little attention. He is not naturally ‘huggy’ or playful (as I am). He does not have a network of friends that he sees or talks to and is perfectly content with being in his own company. I on the other hand enjoy spending time with friends.

My husband knows that I am ‘down’ and feeling ‘low’ at the moment but does not do anything to make me feel any better (though he would argue otherwise). He ‘leaves me be’. We are currently arguing over money again, as I pay for half of everything but also pay for additional things for the children - and we do jot share the cost for these things.

I am quite lost at the moment and feel very alone and fragile. I am hoping through this forum, I can get a bit of friendly advice on how to handle finances (who pays for what etc) and how to get my husband to understand how much I feel like an add-on to his life.

Thank you.

He doesn’t have time for you the 4 nights his D.C. aren’t there? he’s not much of a DH then is he? Has he married you to mother and housekeep and pay for his DC??
Sit him down and tell him he has to give more to the joint money to cover the kids expenses. Also stop buying them stuff all the time, tell them to ask Dad.

@HeddaGarbled Gosh!! I really like that idea!! Thank you so much. 👍🏼

@firstimemamma Are you marrying someone with children? Are you bringing together a ‘blended family’?

@SBTLove He’s a really good guy. He definitely hasn’t married me to be a housekeeper and maid! But you’re right, I do need to stop buying random things - that will definitely help my finances.

What conversations about finances, goals etc did you have before you decided to marry?

You say you’re playful, affection etc and he isn’t, thats quite a big difference.

In a solid relationship you should be able to talk about the things you need, the things you dislike, the bits you want to change etc.

You have married a Dad, and that must be hard, my partner is dating me, a Dad, so yes, he comes after my son. But that doesn’t mean a partner should feel pushed out, not a priority etc. They should still feel loved and cherished, and their partner should still make an effort with dates, date night etc. Being a parent doesn’t stop you doing that. But, if you’ve accepted little effort, time and attention from him before marriage the chances of him changing does seem a bit slim.

On the finances you paying for the odd treat etc is fine, but it shouldn’t be expected and you shouldn’t be paying for their upkeep. Especially as you have already provided them with a home when they visit their Dad.

No, we have a child together (planned) and our wedding booked for next year. We lived together (rented) a good few years before doing anything serious e.g get engaged or buy a house and that was key for us. Got a joint account shortly after first moving in together though. Works for us personally.

@SimonJT. Thank you Simon. To be honest, I don’t think we had a detailed enough conversation about finances. I think we agreed to split bills 50/50 but the children’s expenses were not discussed. This is definitely our mistake. Hindsight is a great thing. If only I knew then the things that I know now.

Yes, we should be able to talk about all of the things you mentioned, but it never seems to go well when we do. My husband thinks ‘it’s sad that we have to talk about who pays for what’. He is happy to just halve everything.

I am running out of ways to articulate to him that I need his attention and for him to make a conscious effort for us to do things together, for him to think ahead.

Thank you for your message.

@firstimemamma That sounds great. Your child is yours, together, so your set up is different and makes sense. You do not have the cultural expectations that I had before marriage. You are not paying for ‘step-children’. Your situation is entirely different.

If you were to have a baby and had to take tome off work for unpaid maternity leave etc, would he pick up the additional slack financially?

I'm sorry, my own personal view of marriage is that everything is shared regardless of step-children etc but I appreciate everyone thinks differently. Didn't mean to offend. Hope everything works out.

Divorce him, then - problem solved. His children will (and should) always come first.

@Jericoo Terrible advice! His children should come first - that is not in question here.

@firstimemamma. Thank you. And likewise. I hope the Covid situation calms down and that you get the wedding you wish for.

You hold all the cards here, OP. You haven’t been married long enough for him to have a financial claim on your house. You could kick him out tomorrow and he’d have to find a home for himself and his children, plus pay for all their expenses.

So it’s in his best interest to ensure that you are happy. Tell him what he needs to do to make you happy.

Could you suggest a "family account", you put in a quarter, he puts in 3 quarters, to pay for takeaways, the big shop, trips to the cinema, anything you all share, as a twosome or a foursome. Or EVEN 1/3 you and 2/3 him, since the kids aren't with you all the time and they're not fully grown adults in terms of appetite or ticket price?

Similarly, if there are 5 people in this relationship (!) Out of 7 days of the week, can you allocate couple time, solo time, kids time, time where he speaks to the ex and processes that chat? The kids time is set in stone, so no ex those days. I forget how much you have them... 2 evenings through the week and one weekend day? So Monday kids, Tuesday kids, Wednesday ex chat, Thursday date night, each with separate friends/alone time, Saturday kids, Sunday house admin/couple time. And when he talks to her, it's about a thing, for a set time, then an hour to decompress and he's ready to rejoin the world by no later than 9pm. You're not being unreasonable to want to spend time with your husband. He won't notice how BAD it is, because he's been living it, but in a different house since their split. Now he's in your home, he just carries on, and hasn't noticed you're in the other room. You knew he came with a family, but you had no opportunity to see the extent of his time it continues to take up. It sounds like the kids are fine, but the contact with the wife sounds fairly excessive/obtrusive.

Just stop paying for his children. That's his job. If he doesn't like it, tough.
It's clear why he wanted to marry you - he's landed on his feet. It baffles me why you wanted to marry him.

@HeddaGarbled @TripleSeptic @katy1213
Thank you all. I feel the need to say that my husband is a really lovely man and the best father to his children. We have both been utterly stupid in not sorting out the finances before we got married and started this journey. Admittedly, the conversations now have become tense and yucky, but there’s been really good advice here, so I have some new things to suggest.

Set days are good good idea to try - I like that - thank you.

Thank you so much. I think I need to try to get a good nights sleep tonight and try to think carefully about the great advice given on here....and then approach it carefully with my husband.

Thank you again. Xxx

[quote SMT25]@SimonJT. Thank you Simon. To be honest, I don’t think we had a detailed enough conversation about finances. I think we agreed to split bills 50/50 but the children’s expenses were not discussed. This is definitely our mistake. Hindsight is a great thing. If only I knew then the things that I know now.

Yes, we should be able to talk about all of the things you mentioned, but it never seems to go well when we do. My husband thinks ‘it’s sad that we have to talk about who pays for what’. He is happy to just halve everything.

I am running out of ways to articulate to him that I need his attention and for him to make a conscious effort for us to do things together, for him to think ahead.

Thank you for your message.[/quote]
What do you mean by “but it never seens to go well when we do”?

You shouldn’t need to tell him you need attention, time etc from him. Hes your husband, he should be doing that everyday and he should actively want to do it.

Think about when you met etc. What attracted you to him, what made you fall in love with him etc? Are those things still there, or has he stopped doing them now you’re married?

Why on earth is he speak by to his ex every day?
I wouldn't put up with that.
I wouldn't be paying for his children, that's his responsibility.
With all due respect, I'd think the phrase " He saw you coming" is fitting here.

Hmmm - maybe have a think about why he doesn't sound so very lovely to others - and why conversations are 'tense and yucky' when you try to assert yourself. If he were simply a bit thoughtless, he'd say, "Whoops, sorry - you're quite right, that isn't fair."
It sounds like what's yours is his, and what's his is his.

@SMT25

www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

I do think you (as a couple) need to establish some boundaries around the contact with his ex.

The dc aren't little ones, and, as you say, they haven't been a couple for many ears. It is great that they can still communicate in a reasonably friendly way, but daily contact ??? really ???

The maths part of finances are reality simple. Right now he is being spectacularly shifty by allowing 50/50 to continue.

The kids over 13 count as 0.75, under 13 as 0.5 adults as 1. Count the days they are there his part is 1++, yours is just 1.

Take a years worth of bills and divide by that ratio.

The amount of contact between the parents is odd. Kids are old enough to sort it themselves.

Your whole set up is very strange. And you seem to have sleep walked into it and he encouraged it. I presume you have actually discussed more kids with him. Or is that just an assumption too?

One suggestion. How about he gives the children an allowance to buy their own clothes and sundries? Good way to learn about budgeting etc?