Feeling bad but My 8 year old son is overbearing

[anonymoooose]

Need some advice regarding my 8 year old son. He is extremely clingy with me and it's really getting to me. Would like some advice on what can be done or how to handle my emotions. He's always been clinging but since lockdown and me working from home it's 1000 times worse. I was pregnant during lockdown ( my daughter was born in July)
I am a single parent. His dad doesn't live far but is inconsistent with his time and affection towards him so everything falls on me.
My son needs me to watch him play or wants me to play with him all the time. He follows me around the flat even to the toilet (I know this is normal but I'm saying I don't even get that break from him)
He cannot seem to entertain himself at all. He has toys, books and a kindle but he brings them around me and wants me to either play Roblox (I will play a game on there called Hide and Seek sometimes) or power rangers or watch mind numbing YouTube videos with him. When I explain that I can't because of the baby/feeding/finally a good while she is sleeping so now I can catch up on dishes/clothes/make some phone calls he sulks or won't let up with the asking and pestering. He also will head to the fridge so I'm noticing he is comfort eating. On top of that he is extremely loud and attention seeking and in your face. When we do play games and he loses he is extremely competitive and will cry if loses so it no longer is fun to play with him. I have told him he cannot always sit in my room with me or follow me everywhere he has to play on his own sometimes because I am busy. He is constantly in my phone conversations and sometimes repeats things to others that he has heard me say. I love him beyond life and overall he is a gorgeous boy but I'm constantly angry and short with him everyday.
We had lockdown then he returned to school then a week after his class was sent home because the teacher had Covid so we were inside for two weeks straight. Then he went back for a week and now it's half term and he is up under me EVERYDAY ALL DAY. please someone suggest something
I feel bad a lot of the time because I tell him to go off and play and he looks sad so I'm scared for his mental health but I don't know what else to do. His dad is no help so that's not an option sorry it's so long

Oh that sounds really tough. Do you have anyone at all who can help? Any family nearby? It's not great for him to have only you, I realise this is the situation you find yourself in, though. You might need to pester his dad to step up a bit.

Lockdown affected many children negatively, plus your son had a sibling born at an already stressed, uncertain and isolating time. Do you have a partner? (I know you are not together with your eight year old's father, but has the baby you've just had got a different father?) If so, can he look after the baby and do housework while you spend some time with a child who seems to desperately need your attention and to be assured of your love at the moment? How does he feel about the baby?

To Camogue -
Thanks for your reply. No partner - my daughter is a result of a bootycall and the contraception failed 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️. He is not involved with her at all

I have my mum and some good friends but because of all this no household mixing I we haven't really seen them
He is very good with the baby and loves to help. He is gentle and loving with her.

I have sat down and told him I'm his mum and won't go anywhere. We live in a 2 bedroom and I have reassured him that I will never leave him he will always know where I am but it doesn't matter.
I sometimes think it stems from when I was doing my midwifery course and had 3 months constant placement. He was shipped all over the place (my mum/his dad/cousins) when I had shifts and hardly saw me (or if he did I was stressed trying to submit dissertation/clean the/house etc) and he suffered emotionally at that time and needed school counselling but since finishing and no longer doing nights and weekends and being around a lot more he is still so clingy.

Could you use a timer and reward system. Eg if he plays by himself for 15 minutes you'll then play a (short) game with him or do something he wants. Maybe you can both draw up a list of "mega exciting things to do at home" and put them in a jar. He can then pick one out when he's used the timer properly?

Can you be in a bubble with your mum? Although this is affecting his mental well-being, so I don't think I'd even be worrying too much about what's the rules right now, and just look for someone who will help to support your son. He needs a safe space to see someone else in, and to know that you can be out of his sight for an hour but you will always come back. You need your mum or a close friend for that.

Could you try doing the jobs together? "If you want to be with me xx, I need you to do this wash up/ put away / clothes sorting or you can go in other room and do X" and stick to it.

Could he talk online to his friends. Since lockdown my 8 year old son spends time everyday talking to his friends on skype while they play minecraft or roblox - and talking over the xbox. It is great social interaction for him and gives me a break too!

Perhaps if he enjoys gaming/YouTube this becomes an activity that is only allowed whilst Mum is doing 'very boring jobs' - so he can only do it when you're busy. Start off with doing things for just a few minutes and pop your head back in very often. Start leaving it longer between checking in and then reward him afterwards.

I was going to suggest trying to do some jobs together and making them fun. Choose some pop music (or whatever) to listen to and sing along, and see who can fold their basket of laundry the fastest or neatest, set a timer to see how long you take to fill the dishwasher together, teach him to cook easy things, have a leaderboard where you keep 'scores' that sort of thing.

Either he'll enjoy just being with you and spending the time with you or he'll be bored and head off.

It sounds like hard work - 2 children at vastly different stages pretty much on your own and with covid difficulties and an unsettling year for him. I think something you could do is maybe to try to make it all a bit more fun, even if the jobs aren't done as well or as quickly, if everyone is laughing and having a bit of fun spending time together it might help.

Hi OP

I just wanted to offer solidarity—I have a similar age child and had a baby in lockdown and the way you describe your son behaving, as well as your reaction to it, sounds really familiar. Not much to offer apart from to say i think it really is a tough situation and that you sound like you’re doing great. Just posting on here shows you’re sensitive to how your eldest is dealing with the twin challenges of COVID and a new sibling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help wherever you can get it, and to keep asking.

@Ratbagratty he does help put the clothes out or put the shoes away. He got into doing the dishes of his own accord. He doesn't do them properly lol so I have to re do some but it's fine.
I have tried to say go and do this after we've spent this time but he literally comes back to me or into my room within minutes

@SuperSleepyBaby he doesn't have many close school friends so we don't have their numbers. But I have one friend who has a 6 year old son and they FaceTime and play Roblox. This isn't always possible as she works etc but he has him. If he is unavailable he will want to FaceTime his dad, Depending on if he answers of course

@pickingdaisies hi! We can't bubble with mum as there's no space. Her place is tiny. We do video call her and she gets him to read to her and show her his toys so he can be in another room with the phone for a bit but that's about it

@ParadeOfRemotes hi thanks for answering.
We pretty much do that anyway. We have music on when I'm washing up or cooking. We dance etc but then he will follow me into my room. The only break I have from him is when he is at school (not much this year lol) or sleeping. Thats it

He wakes in the morning and comes straight to my room and sits on my bed. I make his breakfast. He eats it and then comes back to my room with me and baby and he will be behind me if I go to the kitchen or the bathroom. Then wants me to play or watch him build Lego. I will ask him to get a book and read to me which he will do but then when I say ok go and do something now you can't be with me all day. He sometimes gets sad or he will go but within 5 minutes he's back asking me something showing me something going into the fridge. I'm getting very dismissive and irritable and I'm very short with him. He's calls me name excessively for the smallest things to tell me he's going to the toilet to tell me he burped...I'm just exhausted

New baby may have unsettled him. You being short/ off with him will make him feel insecure.

He needs reassurance from you OP. Try overly fussing hmm, telling him how much you love him and how proud you are, and then set him down to do a task/ play a game. Then return to him and reassure him again. And repeat until he feels assured.

I understand you and I think only love bombing in high doses will help. He feels you are trying to “escape” and it makes him anxious, so he’s following you. Also he sounds like my own child, who can be overbearing but also a kind soul who’s got something to say. It’s important for him to be listened to. But it’s important for you to have some me time too, so choose some time when you are entirely “his” without any distractions at all, be extremely interested in what he’s saying etc. But also set up the time when it’s a “grown up chores time” so he would be expected to entertain himself.

Also I know what you feel 100% and I got you! I feel the same very often (I’ve got two kids like this who are just a year apart). But I can’t help but smiling cause it’s obvious how you’re the best for him and how he seeks your company. He loves you lots!

He sounds highly anxious and stressed.
Could you access play therapy for him?

To solve this you need to give in to him (initially). Hard as it is, you need to be there for him now. Be totally and utterly present (I know it is hard) and give HIM and chance to leave YOU.

Basically, no 8yo wants to play with their mum all the time - what he is doing is want reassurance from you all the time. They are different things. And you need to acknowledge that he deserves that reassurance (which it sounds as tho you do know) after you shipped him all over the place and are busy with the rest of your life.

So be as very very very available to him as you can. Play with him endlessly. It is important he gets bored of you. He needs to look around and there you are. You need to be solid and reliable. Permanent.

Stop trying to pull away! It is really hurting him. Instead, let him move away from you.

Does he have any school work to do? Maybe you could get him a timer, set it for, say, 10 minutes. He has to do his schoolwork until the time goes off. Than he brings it to you to check. You can maybe give him a star on a star chart if he keeps it up for ten minutes, and if he's actually done something! Then after a cuddle, another ten minutes, but that would be enough to start with. Build up really slowly. Can you arrange with another mum to take turns taking kids to the park for an hour. Anything you can think of to grab a few minutes to yourself.

He needs reassurance and consistency as the new baby has unsettled him at an already uncertain time. My son has always suffered from anxiety (although he’s getting much better as he gets older) but when my dd came along he was very clingy and so stressed that he came out in eczema all down one side of his body.

@PersonaNonGarter

To solve this you need to give in to him (initially). Hard as it is, you need to be there for him now. Be totally and utterly present (I know it is hard) and give HIM and chance to leave YOU.

Basically, no 8yo wants to play with their mum all the time - what he is doing is want reassurance from you all the time. They are different things. And you need to acknowledge that he deserves that reassurance (which it sounds as tho you do know) after you shipped him all over the place and are busy with the rest of your life.

So be as very very very available to him as you can. Play with him endlessly. It is important he gets bored of you. He needs to look around and there you are. You need to be solid and reliable. Permanent.

Stop trying to pull away! It is really hurting him. Instead, let him move away from you.

"Shipped him all over the place while I was studying to be a midwife and have a career to give him a better life" you mean. Not raving. I'm not trying to pull away. He is constantly told how much I love him. My brother was born when I was seven and I felt very left out so I make conscious effort to make sure he is included

Shipped him all over the place while I was studying to be a midwife and have a career to give him a better life" you mean. Not raving.

I appreciate the difference but your DS doesn’t. You weren’t there. I totally know that is harsh: you were doing your best. But, that’s then and this is now and you really need to take a deep breath and for the next wee while give him absolutely as much attention as you can. Leave the laundry, let the house get untidy, just focus on him.