Feeling bad but My 8 year old son is overbearing

[anonymoooose]

Need some advice regarding my 8 year old son. He is extremely clingy with me and it's really getting to me. Would like some advice on what can be done or how to handle my emotions. He's always been clinging but since lockdown and me working from home it's 1000 times worse. I was pregnant during lockdown ( my daughter was born in July)
I am a single parent. His dad doesn't live far but is inconsistent with his time and affection towards him so everything falls on me.
My son needs me to watch him play or wants me to play with him all the time. He follows me around the flat even to the toilet (I know this is normal but I'm saying I don't even get that break from him)
He cannot seem to entertain himself at all. He has toys, books and a kindle but he brings them around me and wants me to either play Roblox (I will play a game on there called Hide and Seek sometimes) or power rangers or watch mind numbing YouTube videos with him. When I explain that I can't because of the baby/feeding/finally a good while she is sleeping so now I can catch up on dishes/clothes/make some phone calls he sulks or won't let up with the asking and pestering. He also will head to the fridge so I'm noticing he is comfort eating. On top of that he is extremely loud and attention seeking and in your face. When we do play games and he loses he is extremely competitive and will cry if loses so it no longer is fun to play with him. I have told him he cannot always sit in my room with me or follow me everywhere he has to play on his own sometimes because I am busy. He is constantly in my phone conversations and sometimes repeats things to others that he has heard me say. I love him beyond life and overall he is a gorgeous boy but I'm constantly angry and short with him everyday.
We had lockdown then he returned to school then a week after his class was sent home because the teacher had Covid so we were inside for two weeks straight. Then he went back for a week and now it's half term and he is up under me EVERYDAY ALL DAY. please someone suggest something
I feel bad a lot of the time because I tell him to go off and play and he looks sad so I'm scared for his mental health but I don't know what else to do. His dad is no help so that's not an option sorry it's so long

@pickingdaisies school work is the same. He needs someone to sit with him or he won't do it. Teacher has said the same. So that was very difficult during lockdown, trying to WFH doing phone consultations and help him with his work also. I couldn't leave him to finish the work he would always come back and forth.

Put the time in now with empathy and commitment and you can solve this.

Stop pulling away from him. Say things like ‘please will you come with me to the kitchen so we can keep talking’ or ‘tell me what you are up to’ and ‘I’d love to see your homework, can we look at it’. Say these things FIRST not when he prompts you.

@PersonaNonGarter yes I hear you. I just feel I am physically here and have been since uni ended in 2018. I've not gone out or left him with anyone else since. What more reassurance can I give

@nimbuscloud didn't think of play therapy. Thank you. I will look into it 🤗

I hope you can find something, OP.

@PersonaNonGarter
Great suggestions.

It's shit being a child. Please want him around. Ask him for help. Make him feel important in your life.

My kid loves audio books and will listen to them for hours while he plays Lego etc. Otherwise he'd be constantly bagdering me for attention! You can get them free through the Libby library app. Then you could sit in the same room with him while he listens and maybe sneak away to the loo when needed?

@PersonaNonGarter thank you. I will try these also 🤗

He’s craving connection and attention from you. Can you try and give him some really focused attention in short bursts? Have 30 minutes where you really listen to him, ask questions, be enthusiastic, play a game, act really happy to be with him, tell him specific things that you love about him. This might reduce his need for half hearted attention the rest of the day? If you could manage that regularly and let home know when that’s happening, i.e “I can’t watch Roblox now son but we will have our special time at 4pm and you can tell me all about it then...”, that might help? Does sound exhausting, sorry.

When I explain that I can't because of the baby/feeding/finally a good while she is sleeping so now I can catch up on dishes/clothes/make some phone calls he sulks or won't let up with the asking and pestering.

It’s really tough but I think the crux must be his anxiety over being pushed out - not your fault, but if the baby is always with you, and he’s bring encouraged not to be, even when she’s asleep, then he’ll feel rejected. And boomerang back to you.

It’s not your fault - the situation this year is shit and I’m sure you’re exhausted. But I think love-bombing - really focusing on him 100% - is the only answer.

He has had a really difficult year from the sound of it. You both have.
Is he seeing other kids? Playdates in the park for example or to wrap up and play in a garden or the woods or whatever? I know you said you can't bubble with your mum because her place is too small but can she see him outside? It sounds like it would be helpful to take some of the focus off you.

Great ideas from people. Maybe work side by side then, 5 minutes timer. Turn it into a game or a race, can he do his task before you do yours, how much can you get done in 5 minutes, that sort of thing? Maybe just 1 minute doing something on his own, but with you right next to him. It's a shit situation for you both, and none of the usual suggestions are possible with covid. Hang in there OP.

Can your mum take the baby for a little while on a regular basis? Just a regular date with just him would probably work wonders.

Does he have autism/ traits of autism?

Also, can't you make a big thing of together time while baby sleeps and chores at other times? Babies are generally hugely entertained by anything an older sibling is doing so he could be your big helper by keeping an eye/ keeping baby happy. Get him onside, make him part of your team so he feels togetherness / solidarity with you as a unit separate from the Abby who he may feel threatened by

@balzamico hi yes he helps me with some stuff. I will normally take the bouncer into the kitchen and fold clothes/do dishes/cook washing machine etc and he will dance and sing around the baby or sit next to her and show her toys. He is very loving and a very good big brother. He'll sit with her while I'm walking around and putting things or shopping away. And he puts his own clothes and things away as well. He likes to help

@Davespecifico he has been assessed for that as his older half brother from his dad is autistic and no he's not on the spectrum 🤗

@NoSquirrels yes would love to do this but the no household mixing thing and mum is being quite strict with who comes in and out lol
I may ask her in the coming weeks for just one day

@domesticslattern not seeing other kids apart from his friend via FaceTime but that's not often. He doesn't really have any school friends that he sees out of school.

I've just googled this "love bombing" and will defo give that a go and see how we do with it.
Thanks everyone for your replies and suggestions 🤗🤗🤗

@needadvice321 I like the sound of this too. I will get him to set the alarm on his watch so he will feel more involved as well. Thank you

OP I have sympathy for you. I did my nurse training at 27, qualified at 30 with two kids. I'm now a single parent and my 10 year old DS follows me absolutely everywhere and it's gotten worse since I've been a single parent and their dad hasn't had them once since I left him almost 2 years ago. I'm quite sure he has asd/adhd and I plan to take him to the GP when things start opening up again. I can't go for a wee or into the kitchen without him coming to tell me about something on roblox, animal crossing etc and it really is draining as it's all the time. I work full time and I know my kids miss me when I'm not there but they love their grandparents (ex's parents) who they go to when I'm working so I don't know why he's like this tbh, unless it's the asd/adhd thing, I really don't know. for you.

@toiletpaper actually feel relieved that someone gets it!!
His dad only lives 10 mins away by train yet doesn't see him often at all. He works shifts for TFL and always has an excuse as to why he hasn't been in touch. I know he always has 7 days on and 4 days off but can go months without having him overnight. It's so jarring. I'm sorry you are going through the same. My son does the same with Roblox and animal crossing. I feel that's what people don't understand is that it's ALLLL THE TIME. The time I do spend with him colouring or playing Roblox or power rangers with him is never enough and he always wants more when I tell him that's enough he sulks. I'm at my wits end with it
I hope you get some help from these replies too 🤗

It won’t be forever - it will pass, but you can both come out of this stronger if you focus on him now. It is very hard work - sorry - but the rewards will be huge and you will feel proud and not guilty.

Definitely don’t prioritise housework over him - that can wait til school is on.

he has been assessed for that as his older half brother from his dad is autistic and no he's not on the spectrum

Sorry but having been assessed and them saying No doesn't mean he isn't - or if not meeting the threshold for diagnosis doesn't have "traits".
Personally if they work I'd try techniques that would work with children on the spectrum.
And my starting point would be to draw up a "timetable" for when you are at home. What is going to happen and when. You can include "play alone" time. And it will be limiting for you, but if life starts to become more predictable for him it might give you more free space.

It's shit being a child.

@Hailtomyteeth why do you say that? If you have a happy upbringing then it’s lovely being a child!