How to help DS 10 stop crying all the time

[Rollercoasteride]

Hi all

I just don't know how to help DS stop crying all the time. I know its good to cry at times, but he cry every day over anything.

It can be over something little at school (like using the wrong pen) or at home or just now at his swimming lesson.

He has always been like this, but the older he is getting the more noticeable.

His class mates have told him, he annoys them crying in class. School are loosing patience with him, he has been through 121 mentoring sessions etc, but he doesn't use the coping strategies they suggest.

Academically he is way ahead so he doesn't need to get upset with the work.

I just dread him going to high school next year!

I feel so sad he is struggling.

Any pointers or suggestions great fully received.

Many Thanks

Is he generally a sad child? Or is it situational, that's his reaction to any bump in the road? Is he generally adaptable, or is he very affected by change?

I'm curious about he doesn't use the coping strategies they suggest. Have you asked him why?

Is it loud howling crying or silent tears? Does he hope some magical fix will happen. "Oh here is the correct pen, try it again, there there"

I tell me son he can cry if sad or hurt. Howling because he can't have a biscuit or it is bed time is not acceptable, it is ok to feel disappointed but he doesn't need to howl about it. And he does often calm himself down. He is younger though so I expect you have tried that.

Sounds tough. Especially as peers have commented, I expect if ds could control it he would.

@MrsTerryPratchett yes he is a sad child. He seems to enjoy arguing also. He says he doesn't think of the coping strategies when he is upset.

@Sally872 its more of a whine, then tears and then hysterical.

His friends parents even get annoyed. I worry when he goes round to friends because normally something upsets him

He is an absolute nightmare trying to get him to go out on a family day out, if he doesn't want to do it. He will just ruin it.

We have been understanding, gentle or firm...nothing we say has an impact.

There will be a reason for his behaviour. His emotions presumably are overwhelming him and he can't cope.

I know how irritating it can be. My daughter (very bright, grammar school) has meltdowns that press all my buttons. But I do know st the end of the day she really not coping and needs support, not judgenent. I only realised she was autistic at 10 when her development was so different from her peers.

Not at all saying your child is autistic, but just that there will be a reason and with that he's a child that needs support, however irritating.

Its really hard to deal with copung strategies when ita got as far as overwhelm.

I would get him into counselling as soon as possible. He clearly needs more help than you or his mentors can give him.

@PineappleUpsideDownCake school did say last week they will see 8f they can assess him. I spoke to my GP also last week when I had my flu jab, he asked me if I thought DS had mild aspergers.

The in early years I used to think it was because he was tired, he used to wake several times in the night...he still wakes once in the night now

I have to bite my tongue alot

@Aquamarine1029 yes this is something I am looking into...but its difficult with covid at the moment

Ive learnt a lot from reading about meltdowns with my duaghter. It may look like "mild" autism in her case but its huge to her. If it is autism them melting down often feels like the end of the world to them and that they truly cant cope in that moment. Imagine feeling like that often. Or coming home after a situation that would make you feel like that (friend very ill/ losing job/something huge?) And your family just being irritated at your upset and sismissive or worse cross.

I know we can see that its just ipset over "little things" but it truly isnt to them. If they're wired differently the huge overwhelm is real.

If autism is a possibility def get a referal soon as it takes forever. But there are other sensory processing disorders or even mental health where the anxiety can become overwhelming.

Whatever it is though, a child crying often at 10 is not going to be getting anything from it. No street cred or anything. They genuinely are in need of help.

Cross post with minty but same perspective.

Im trying to think what might help you to understand him more. Certainly bejng aware you're struggling with it and making time for yourself as well as calming down yourself when getting irritated will help.

Keep reminding yourself hes a boy in distress.

Have you noticed any triggers? Be a detective and try to see if its a similar time each day or if its with a certain issue.

Have yoh seen the coke bottle story? There's a few versions, all showing how a chils with additional needs can get so wound up by so many little things before "exploding."

@mintyfreshh thanks for your comment... he had been rejected by camhs twice...as he is not at risk! So thanks for making me feel shitter than I already do

Sounds like there is possibly a diagnosis that hasn’t been made. Even so that might not particularly help him (although it might help others to understand and empathise). He definitely needs more help as this next year is going to be an important one for him with senior school looming.

Is it things like changes in plan? Surprises to the day (different teacher? Different meal to what was planned?)

Or things like lots of people/ bright lights/

Or lots of demands at once ?

Or just trying to hold it all in?
Its worth looking to see if there's a pattern.

Here asd pathway isnt through cahms but it varies.

Funding for cahms is so low that for mentla health needs you seem to need to be at risk of harm to self or others to get help. 🙄

@mintyfreshh you'd think as someone who has been through similar yourself, you'd have more empathy. You've probably just made this mother feel shit which may impact on her ability to deal with it even further. Doesn't help the kid much, does it? She's advised you that she has dealt with CAMHS twice and been turned away every time. Perhaps act a little nicer and offer her advice on appealing, how to navigate the system etc...?

Jesus, people can be harsh.

OP, my daughter is similar, and her 'meltdowns' have become more frequent in the last year. She's my oldest; she doesn't have a lot of the other classic signs of ASD, but we are now nearly a year into pursuing a diagnosis. It was quite easy to make the mistake of thinking that this was her temperament: that she was dramatic, or tired. We had a younger child who needed a lot of attention (possibly she has ADHD, but is a bit young yet for initiating investigations). Added to that other variables like sudden unemployment and stress in the home fogged the issue. Her school thinks there is no issue, which again does not help.

I haven't got any answers, but you're really not the only one in this situation.

I think seeing your GP is a good idea. Also, I'm reading a book which you might find helpful- I think it's called Your Spirited Child, but I'll check later and confirm.

Mintyfreshh I'm not sure what help you think there is likely to be?

I referred a child to CAMHS who was repeatedly expressing that he wanted to kill himself, talking about ways to do it etc. CAMHS rejected him because he was only talking about killing himself, not actively trying to do it. I referred another child who was repeatedly trashing his home and attacking his mother. He'd hospitalised her. They rejected him because he had an autism diagnosis and 'mental health needs relating to autism isn't something they deal with'.

The area diagnosis pathway is not accepting children over SIX in order to try and reduce the waiting list.

A child who is a bit irritable and weepy is not going to make the cut for 'help'.

@PineappleUpsideDownCake I think I need to do some reading.

The main triggers are change, or if he really doesn't want to do something.

He says he is worse at home because he is trying to keep his frustration in at school, then vents at home.

Our area current cahms wait is 3 years...he did see some years ago, because of his sleep problem, she said she didn't think he had asd/adhd at the time.

Then when were referred back again the consultant said as he wasn't a suidical risk there was nothing they could do. Its so shocking, I think they only have 1 mental health doctor for children in the whole county.

Oh bog off mintyfreshh, OP isn’t doing ‘nothing’. She is seeking to support her
son and has clearly had a tonne of contact with the school about the issue.

You have a go at her about not getting him any support but you don’t offer a single bit of advice about what sort of support or how she might access that support so your post is spectacularly useless.

(((((Rollercoasterride))))) I think it is realky tough as a parent. You just want to fix it don't you. As an aside my daughters special interest is rollercoasters 😁.

There's loads of things that can help a bit, but they will be different for everyone. Can you chase school to make a referal for asd assesment if you think thats possible.

We found a change of perspective and seeing a child crying for help really really helps. And reminding yourself of that everytime. Adapting to the fact you have a child with struggles.

Trying to spot what the triggers are and try to minkmose that helps. Are you having regilar meetings with he sendco at school with how they will aupport that? Has he got a safe place to go if he needs to cry so he doesn't have to feel embarrased in front of his friends?

I was so surpised that social stories worked for my daughter. She's bright and reads complex novels. But a very simple explanation of exactly what was going to happen that day, especially on any day there was a change (non uniform day/trips) made a huge huge difference.

The teachers knew to prime her for any change too.

Transitions are often tricky. Is he okay getting ready for school ? It seemed Really Hard for my daughter as it was too many instructions at once. We made a visual board of what needed to happen and it changed our mornings so much.

For them knowing you are on their side means so much. Stop the criticism. Show your suport.

Very clear instructions might help. My daughter can't "tidy the lounge." But she can "pick up the books and put them on the bookshelf" for example.

I discovered at 10 she didnt like loud places or sudden loud sounds. She never told me this as she'd never realised it wasnt the same for everyone. She wont do school discos etc . We dont do the supermarket often, or for only a few items as it overwhelms her. I never really noticed before...

The triggers for my daughter will be different to your son but its worth looking for them and seekng ways to adapt.

If going to a friends or out somewhere mayve he can have a safeword to sya to you if its become too much and he just wants to sit in the car for a bit. Its A Plan and not a time out. Its compeltely different as he will have control.

Sorry I could talk forever about ideas as its become a huge thing for us. But im vaware its different for all.

We've found A Typical interesting to watch. Different from my daughter but much to discuss.

The book "Can You See Me?" Is written from the persepctive of a 10 year old girl and I read it with my daughter. Even reading it yourself might help as it helped us recognise some triggers or some explanations for how they feel when things change or dont go their way. I think everyone working with autistic kids ought to read it!

Can you go private?

A diagnosis (ADHD in our case) doesn't just help in terms of interventions but in terms of empathy, parenting and helping the child understand their own needs.

Although DD has taken to diagnosing other children. Loudly in some cases

It helped us with prep for secondary school transition.