Am I being unreasonable about family caring for my baby?

[Razpoot]

I have breastfed 3 month old girl. My own family enjoys looking after her for the day with me around and taking over when necessary and we have no problem with this. However my partners side of the family keep pressuring me to leave her with them for long periods of time, preferably without me around or even overnight. I really dont want this, i feel she is so young still and have explained to them I'm hesitant on bottles as I really want to avoid nipple confusion.

However they tell me i am being unreasonable and they want to share the "special experience" of feeding her and caring for her as she is their grandchild. I'm also concerned about naps as i always make sure she gets a good rest but i have seen MIL wake her before from a sleep because she is desperate to play with her and let her sleep for ten mins and when she stirs letting her wake again seeing that as a good nap. When i mentioned this they said they know what theyre doing, they've had children. They also have a dog and i SCREAM internally as they try to get the dog to lick my daughter, bring her to the dogs face, and it goes wild when she cries when i raise this they always brush me off and im terrified of what might happen if im not there but they insist the dog is good and wouldnt hurt her.

I feel cruel for going against their constant requests for me to leave her with them but I just really don't want it, and they are getting frustrated with me feeling that im hogging the baby. MIL keeps telling me about all the fun i can have without her around but i really dont care about that at this stage. Thoughts and advice appreciated

Good luck op.

If it’s any help my breast fed babies totally refused any bottles (and I tried a lot) and any time we tried we stopped because they got so upset. So baby might not even take to bottles at all or scream her head off at them.....certainly won’t be a nice bonding experience then!

That fact your other half is with you on the dog issue is good. Maybe try to have a heart to heart about the baby being away from you too and be clear about how you feel when you are being pressured.

I am a people pleaser too op, so find conflict hard. I really think looking up some strategies around being assertive and preparing some assertive sentences to use with them will help you maintain boundaries. I have found that passive aggressive people struggle to manage people who are assertive, firm but kind because they find it easier to respond to other people who are passive aggressive.

They also have a dog and i SCREAM internally as they try to get the dog to lick my daughter, bring her to the dogs face, and it goes wild when she cries sad

Ffs stop screaming internally and tell them to fucking pack it in! This is your tiny vulnerable child, not a (confused) dog’s play thing, and it’s your job to protect her from these lunatics. Don’t EVER leave your baby alone with them OP.

Nope from me also.

There’s no reason at 3 months why they can’t come and ‘help’ with you nearby as you have been. They can come over and watch baby for you an hour whilst you nap/ shower etc still. But you know what your baby is like best and if you and baby aren’t ready to leave then don’t.

I haven’t left 6 month old yet with anyone apart from dh ( and even he only has 1-2hr max due to feeding). Mil visited and also got in a huff wanting to take baby off all day to next city to ‘give me a break’. She meant well but it would be horrid for everyone as baby doesn’t take bottle, and sleeps feeding so far so he would have been tired and hungry soon

@Razpoot you have my sympathy, I'm in a similar situation and it's hassle you don't need with a new baby. Absolutely stick to your guns RE the dog, brace yourself for the snide comments but remember it's your job to keep your baby safe no matter how unpopular it makes you with certain family members. Same with leaving your baby-go with your instincts, personally I've never understood those who seem to want to separate newborns from their mothers, it just seems odd to me.

I'm not an expert on dogs (although I do have one) - the running around going mad does not sound like 'maternal instinct' to me. It sounds like an over stimulated, over excited dog.
You cannot trust a dog with a baby. Even the loveliest dog needs to be closely supervised.

I’ve only left my 18m old once overnight in his lifetime and that was because of an emergency spell in hospital. It’s entirely up to you when you’re ready and what you’re comfortable with. They’re being selfish forcing their views on you. I agree baby is too young.

Honestly I’m shocked they’re asking you. I have a 3 month old, mainly breastfed, and I wouldn’t leave him for an hour with anyone other than my DH, so I think they are being totally unreasonable.

I get that you don’t want to cause issues, so I would make it very clear they are welcome to spend as much time with the baby as they want, but that you won’t leave the baby. And that you won’t leave the baby with anyone, ie it is not just them!

There will likely be other things you’ll need to put your foot down about over the years if this is their attitude now, so I would start as you mean to go on.

You are DDDDDNBU! I wouldn't leave my child unattended with someone else's dog. Especially given their overall attitude. "Wake to play" she's not a dolly! Stick to your guns OP. Your baby, your rules. Absolute madness!

Also to say, I’m not judging anyone who is happy to leave their baby at that age - the issue here is that you are not happy with it and yet they still asking, not the actual leaving iyswim

Until I joined mumsnet I had no idea that these ridiculous women existed. I’m a mother in law and will do anything to help my daughter in laws and step daughters with their babies, toddlers and school age children.
But they are not mine! Your baby, your decisions and that’s all you need to tell yourself and them.
I love playing with them and doing whatever bits of childcare they want, but, boy am I glad I get to go home to my peaceful child free house afterwards and not have to do bath and bedtime and night feeds! Been there done that 3 times.
Why on earth would women feel the need to do that again!

Hi OP, so glad for all the support you're getting on here - your baby, your rules, always!

Just wanted to echo the PP's who have said it's going to be helpful for you to put boundaries in place with MIL now since she's the pushy type, and especially since your DH seems not to back you 100%.

If I were you I would try to manage her expectations with a clear, firm conversation, something like:
There is no way I will leave my baby alone with you, without either me or DH with her, before she is [X age] and possibly not at that point if I'm not confident (whatever you think feels right for you).
Breastfeeding my daughter is best for her nutritionally and because I love her and want the best for her I'm going to avoid anything that could cause nipple confusion and de-rail her feeding - as a loving grandmother surely you also want what is best for her health and wellbeing?
I'm glad you love your granddaughter and we're delighted to spend time with you, but I am always going to put her needs ahead of yours - surely you must understand that that's my job as her mother?

The tone is strong but not aggressive - it's just laying out your position reasonably and clearly. She may argue and resist but it's hard to defend her "I Want I Want I Want" demands over the welfare of a tiny baby, so hopefully both your DH and MIL will ultimately back down.

Wish you luck! Your daughter is lucky to have a good mum protecting her from this BS :)

Some great advice here OP, I echo what a PP has said, your baby, your rules!

The dog thing is awful, and waking your baby up after 10 minutes makes my blood boil too. I'd be bloody fuming at both.

I find with parents and parents in law its often a generational thing. My MIL doesn't seem to think her babies napped at all, so when I'm taking DD off for a nap she always comments on how much sleep she needs. Yes... She's a baby!

I imagine this is the beginning of many, many instances where you'll need to tell people to bugger off and let you parent your own way. Good luck and stand your ground!