Am I being unreasonable about family caring for my baby?

[Razpoot]

I have breastfed 3 month old girl. My own family enjoys looking after her for the day with me around and taking over when necessary and we have no problem with this. However my partners side of the family keep pressuring me to leave her with them for long periods of time, preferably without me around or even overnight. I really dont want this, i feel she is so young still and have explained to them I'm hesitant on bottles as I really want to avoid nipple confusion.

However they tell me i am being unreasonable and they want to share the "special experience" of feeding her and caring for her as she is their grandchild. I'm also concerned about naps as i always make sure she gets a good rest but i have seen MIL wake her before from a sleep because she is desperate to play with her and let her sleep for ten mins and when she stirs letting her wake again seeing that as a good nap. When i mentioned this they said they know what theyre doing, they've had children. They also have a dog and i SCREAM internally as they try to get the dog to lick my daughter, bring her to the dogs face, and it goes wild when she cries when i raise this they always brush me off and im terrified of what might happen if im not there but they insist the dog is good and wouldnt hurt her.

I feel cruel for going against their constant requests for me to leave her with them but I just really don't want it, and they are getting frustrated with me feeling that im hogging the baby. MIL keeps telling me about all the fun i can have without her around but i really dont care about that at this stage. Thoughts and advice appreciated

@Razpoot

I have breastfed 3 month old girl. My own family enjoys looking after her for the day with me around and taking over when necessary and we have no problem with this. However my partners side of the family keep pressuring me to leave her with them for long periods of time, preferably without me around or even overnight. I really dont want this, i feel she is so young still and have explained to them I'm hesitant on bottles as I really want to avoid nipple confusion.

However they tell me i am being unreasonable and they want to share the "special experience" of feeding her and caring for her as she is their grandchild. I'm also concerned about naps as i always make sure she gets a good rest but i have seen MIL wake her before from a sleep because she is desperate to play with her and let her sleep for ten mins and when she stirs letting her wake again seeing that as a good nap. When i mentioned this they said they know what theyre doing, they've had children. They also have a dog and i SCREAM internally as they try to get the dog to lick my daughter, bring her to the dogs face, and it goes wild when she cries when i raise this they always brush me off and im terrified of what might happen if im not there but they insist the dog is good and wouldnt hurt her.

I feel cruel for going against their constant requests for me to leave her with them but I just really don't want it, and they are getting frustrated with me feeling that im hogging the baby. MIL keeps telling me about all the fun i can have without her around but i really dont care about that at this stage. Thoughts and advice appreciated

You're not being unreasonable at all. They are your baby and you carried them for 9 months and then gave birth. So if you're not comfortable with something then it doesn't happen. I was exactly the same, my other halves family were constantly trying to get hold of my baby and look after her. I told them straight in the end and now they respect it. You're the mum you decide

You're not being unreasonable at all. They are your baby and you carried them for 9 months and then gave birth. So if you're not comfortable with something then it doesn't happen. I was exactly the same, my other halves family were constantly trying to get hold of my baby and look after her. I told them straight in the end and now they respect it. You're the mum you decide

When i mentioned this they said they know what theyre doing, they've had children.

Exactly, they've had children - so they've done this before. You, on the other hand, have not. You're not 'hogging' your baby, ffs. What a ridiculous, entitled viewpoint.

The dog thing - YUCK. Don't scream internally, fgs - tell them explicitly that kind of thing is NOT OK.

I would try and get the message through to them that a) while you're BFing, that kind of arrangement is simply impossible, b) until they can show that they respect and will adhere to how YOU want YOUR baby to be cared for (ie no dangling in front of the dog, no waking when sleeping, whatever else is necessary to have to spell out) then it won't be possible for them to look after your DD either and c) the more they pressure you, the less likely you are to trust them on point b so to back off a little. End of matter.

And if all else fails 'we're in a pandemic, this won't be possible until after winter/flu season at least' 🤷‍♀️

YANBU

Please don't feel pressured into allowing this. They have years and year to bond with your child.

My daughter is just over 2 and the longest I've left her is a few hours (not including nursery) I don't feel the need to leave her overnight anywhere and don't plan on to in the near future.

The dog alone would be enough for me to say an absolutely firm ‘No!’.

My son is two this week and I only started leaving him over night in the last month, with my mother. He's still breastfed and there's absolutely no way I would've left him at 3 months. Blimey, I wouldn't have left him at 18 months! YANBU OP. Your baby's needs come far above those of ANYONE elses.

Sounds like you need to up your boundaries. They can fuck off

Wanting your very young infant near you is an absolute basic and not unreasonable at all, especially when breastfeeding.

I think you really need to stick to your guns on this one and maintain the boundaries you are comfortable with. otherwise it could set an expectation that they can be involved in decisions about your child in other situations.

If I were you I’d be kind but firm and try not to get emotional. “Thanks for the offer, but as I said before I don’t want her away from me for longer than an hour because I’m breast feeding her and don’t want to be away from her longer than that yet”. Then repeat and if they keep asking “I’ve given you my answer to that already”. Maybe you could ask them to help in other ways, like taking the baby for a walk while you tidy/shower etc, so they get to help but in a way that is useful to you too.

I assume your partner is on the same page as you? If so maybe he could have a more forceful word about dropping the issue:

Tell them to eff off.

Hi,
My dd is also exclusively breastfed and she is 20 weeks old (4 and a bit months) she hasn't been left with any family other than my dh.

She's your baby, so ultimately it's you decision, I would be exactly the same as you. Breastfeeding is an excellent excuse for baby not to be left and after all it is recommended to exclusively breastfeed until 6 months. As for bottles my dd won't take expressed milk as she is used to me feeding her.

My mil keeps giving me stupid advice about weaning and changing to formula and in the end in a polite-ish way I was just very honest and said to her "it's been over 30 years since you have had a baby, things have changed, I know what's best for Dd!"
Now when she makes judgey comments/ advice dh shuts her down straight away 😂

Be brave! She's your dd 😊 xx

Yanbu, not at all!
I remember my MIL saying to me when my LO was three months old 'Im so glad your not one of these possessive new mothers who doesn't let other people near your baby ' & I remember thinking WTF?! And also insisted on taking babies dummy out even though he had severe reflux and really comforted him 'you don't need that' - F off!!

Really, why can't people just be supportive instead of selfish?? Stick to your guns OP. Definately the dog would scare me, we have a dog whose soft as clarts but I was and am still very vigilant.

I would say that if they can get their dog looked after for a day, you might consider it for a day, NOT overnight...
The dog is an absolute no IMO and I have one. No child should be near a dog when neither they nor the dog know each other.
Dogs can see babies as a threat to their territory and even the best natured ones can be unpredictable in new situations.
It's utterly wrong to get the dog to lick your baby, dogs have huge amounts of bacteria in their mouths, which is why ANY dog bite that breaks the skin is treated with a week of oral antibiotics.
Don't risk it.
There are other concerns you have.. it sounds selfish, frankly of your in laws to make you feel you are the one being unreasonable. No such thing as hogging your new baby.
Stay strong to your instincts

The dog thing is unbelievable haven’t they seen that couple in the news whose dog killed their newborn? Even if it doesn’t bite the licking thing is gross.

Stay strong, she’s your baby and she’s tiny. Insist on the same boundaries that you have for your own family. Do not give in to pressure.

She's 3 months! Mummy instinct knows best! Honestly, just go with your gut.

No way, YANBU! my ex family used to be like this. Stand you ground, this is just the beginning and this is your child...

And about the dog (and I am a dog lover) that is very unsafe behaviour and they should know better than that.
No dog should be encouraged to LICK a baby's face ever. Your dp needs to step up and back you up here.

I've seen posts like this before and the selfishness of GPs blows my mind. We let DS stay for the night without us for the first time when he was about 10 months. At 3 months there's no way that would have happened as I was EBF - it will be incredibly uncomfortable for you not to be able to feed your LO, apart from anything else!

I know how you feel. My LO is seven months and when my family eventually met her it was like pass the parcel, and I was made to feel selfish and ridiculous for not letting her be passed around, and wanting to hold her when she cries etc etc. I tolerated it for a bit and it made me miserable, eventually I put my foot down because I had enough. I feel like family see babies as a possession which is so weird, like they have an automatic right to take over from the mum! No one is entitled to hold your baby - if you don't want to pass her then don't, if you don't want to leave her don't feel pressured into doing so and definitely do not allow that dog near her!! I've got cats and I'm super protective of not letting them near her.

She’s breastfed.

So no, it isn’t possible.

You don’t start expressing and bottle feeding at 3 months do that your ILs can have a go.

Ridiculous.

No no no. This my my in-laws. All that happened is the more she pushed the more I pulled away. Now my LO is nearly 2 and still hasn’t been left with he. The constant pressure, digs, grabbing the baby and not giving it back when crying has pretty much wrecked our relationship. How a MIL treats a new mum in those first months/year can change the dynamics for life.

I have never understood this thing about grandparents expecting to have the baby by themselves, have never encountered it in real life. It's very odd and yanbu.

Your DH needs to stand up for you and your child.

Thank you so much for all the support snd advice everyone, I see its pretty clear now that my thinking wasn't wrong. I completely agree with what you're saying, I really do feel like she is discussed like a toy rather than my own daughter. I will try and stand my ground more, its hard because i am quite the people pleaser and dislike conflict whereas MIL is lovely but very passive aggressive and I know she will be very critical of me which I'm not looking forward too one bit. It just drives me nuts how they make me feel like im being selfish, they make it out like I'm so overprotective and a helicopter parent when i say no.

Unfortunately DP is on her side especially about the bottles as he wants to feed her (they always discuss it like its some ethereal spiritual experience). I'm willing to do this for him even though i don't really want to that much, but im still not for leaving her alone with bottles even though they keep insisting. They still spend plenty of time with her, i dont see why it has to be alone and my own parents are not this way. As people have said it does just feel like they're wishing for novelty but they have had their turn

And about the dog, so glad many have agreed with me on that including dog lovers (honestly im one myself). Everytime i mention it they brush me off, we actually (my dp DOES agree with me on this one) shown her an article about a family dog that killed a newborn and she got quite nippy and laughed at us. She says everytime the dog goes beserk when she cries its just her 'maternal instinct'

@Razpoot I have a dog myself and me and DH have already discussed at length how we will treat our baby and dog together.

If my ILs tried anything like that with their dog, I would go crazy! I am not sure how much I'll trust my own dog with our baby, never mind trusting anyone else's! And I certainly won't be letting our baby stay at ILs if I'm not comfortable about how they are.

Any pushing from them will get me running for the hills, they know I'm like this so I'm curious to see how they will act when he have ours. They can be quite dismissive in a "oh this is fine" way but, as PPs said, my baby, my choice. Luckily I have a DH who won't go against my wishes (unless I was being utterly unreasonable and ridiculous which I don't think you can be in this situation).

By the sounds of it sounds like you might be dealing with a narcissistic inlaw.
Google how to deal with a narcissist. I have a narcissistic MIL and it has been a journey but it has been about having strong boundaries, not people pleasing, not caring about what others think, putting myself and my little unit first, and being consistent.
These people are not nice and can be very charming but it is all an act.