Letting a Child Grow Up

[Glendower156]

Hi, I'm trying to get a feeling to what you all think about this topic. I have a friend (a mum) who has a 14 year old daughter. She (the mum) is recently divorced but as her and her ex jointly own the property, it is virtually impossible to get him to leave. The father refuses to get a job and relies on the mother going to work. He absolutely refuses to let the girl grow and and dotes on her like she is a four year old, not allowing her to do anything for herself.

If I could give you just one example: Today, it was the girl's 14th birthday and the father thought he'd suprise his daugher when she got home from school so . . . . .wait for it . . . . he stuck "Hello Kitty" stickers all round the edges of her bedroom TV!!

Now that strikes me as absurd and the sort of thing a parent would do to a VERY young child and to be honest, I think he is a bit weird.

Thoughts please, before I give more examples?

We need more examples, Hello Kitty gets cool again for teens.

That doesn't sound too awful - I assume there's more?

Maybe she loves Hello Kitty
My 16 year old (DS) had a load of unicorn things for his birthday. Including headband and cake. He loved it!

Does the girl have any independence would be the big question?

Do you have or have you had a similar aged child? My 12 yr old still likes to be babied a bit.

I just threw my 19yo a superhero party 🤣

I would need more examples, because hello kitty can be quite cool for teens.

Has the mum asked you for advice?

There are lots of issues here, but you seem to be focusing on the stickers. They're harmless. Possibly odd, but hardly damaging.

I'm in my 30s and my main birthday present was Lego 😂

Just stickers on the TV? Or is there a lack of independence for her? Has her mum asked you for advice?

Yeah, more examples needed! My daughter is nearly 16 and has Hello Kitty stickers all around the edges of her T.V
Oh and she has Hello Kitty teddies, and the duvet cover, several bags, badges... 😄

Yes, she has asked me for advice. Another example: the girl decided to go out on her bike with some friends . . . . . dad decided to follow them all on his bike!

He won't let her do anything, she doesn't know how to make a cup of tea, boil and egg or make a sandwich because he refuses to allow her to do anything for herself. She can't tell the time using an analog watch and has only just recently been tying her own shoelaces.

She is VERY "un-worldly" and knows nothing about anything outside of school and her bedroom. Maybe it's my age, but I fear she is going to really struggle when she get to her middle/late teens. Unless of course, this is "the norm" these days?

Honestly, some of that is the mums fault too. Why isn't she stepping up and teaching her daughter stuff?

Not knowing this stuff isn't the norm at all. My 10yo knows how to cook around 10 basic meals as well as other household tasks like work the washing machine. It was a priority for me to teach my kids how to live in the real world.

The ex sounds like a bit of a twat but your friend isn't helping either.

Why is this just the dads fault?

If the dad won’t allow the mum to teach her to make a sandwich, then that’s massively fucked up.

The dad does "Polly put the kettle on, Suki take it off again". As soon as mum tries to teach the daughter to do anything, the dad just "undoes" it by saying sort of "Oh, you don't need to do that; I'll do it for you!"

This is SURELY equally as much Mums responsibility. She isnt blameless in this.

Well, as he doesn't work, he waits until she's gone to work and then undoes everything she's tried to do, around the house and with their daughter. That's the main reason why she divorced him. If they didn't have equal shares in the house, he'd have been gone long ago.

As I said, maybe I'm the wrong generation but I certainly wouldn't have been treated like that and neither were my children.

You can't unteach a child to make a sandwich or cook or whatever, it sounds like he has possibly undermined a previous attempt so the mum isn't bothering to try anymore.

If she's learning how to do stuff, then her dad can't take that knowledge back out of her head. If her mum teaches her skills but her dad babies her, then she'll simply learn to act that way around him but not in other places. He sounds very annoying and not much of a parent, but her mum isn't helpless here.

I’m really confused. If they’re divorced then how can he stop her learning to make a sandwich?

That's why I'm asking for advice now they are divorced but still living together in the same house. As the mother has always worked yet he's only had spurious jobs, he gets to spend much more time at home than she does. He's also very "fawning" and "touchy" with her. I think he still wants her to be a baby. Hopefully before long, she'll turn round and say " off Dad!" or something!

Well the mum’s not doing her DD any favours either!

Your friend needs to sell up and move house and then start to parent her child. There's not a lot she can do about him, but she can certainly provide her child with life skills.

This seems strange. When your friend is asking for advice what is she looking for? Just is this normal or a way to resolve it?

The part that she claims he "undoes" any teaching is ridiculous. So the child knows exactly what the mother has taught them, she just doesn't need to use them yet as dad does it for them.

My DS helps load the dishwasher and has done so since being 2, he has to tidy up after himself and at just 3 can make a bit of his own breakfast a puts his dishes in the sink after. They are what you put into them, both, put into them.

Surely he doesn't follow his daughter out every time she leaves the house ? This would be a tad weird.