Letting a Child Grow Up

[Glendower156]

Hi, I'm trying to get a feeling to what you all think about this topic. I have a friend (a mum) who has a 14 year old daughter. She (the mum) is recently divorced but as her and her ex jointly own the property, it is virtually impossible to get him to leave. The father refuses to get a job and relies on the mother going to work. He absolutely refuses to let the girl grow and and dotes on her like she is a four year old, not allowing her to do anything for herself.

If I could give you just one example: Today, it was the girl's 14th birthday and the father thought he'd suprise his daugher when she got home from school so . . . . .wait for it . . . . he stuck "Hello Kitty" stickers all round the edges of her bedroom TV!!

Now that strikes me as absurd and the sort of thing a parent would do to a VERY young child and to be honest, I think he is a bit weird.

Thoughts please, before I give more examples?

Is there some kind of dynamic within their relationship that you're not aware of? Does he have the last say?

I see no reason why she cant teach her. Things like, 'what do you want for lunch? Ok, here are the ingrediants and i'll talk you through making it'. Or showing her how to tie shoelaces then buying her lace up shoes. I think perhaps your friend needs to toughen up a bit here....

This all sounds very odd. Hasn't she learned time at school even if mum didn't - although she easily could have, the dad can't un teach that.

He still insists on walking her to the bus stop and carrying her school bag for her. The bus stop is about 50m from their house. Yes, I think it's pretty weird too.

I am very grateful for all the input you have given. Whether or not I'll show the mum this thread, I'm not sure about. Do you think I should?
She does really try to engage with her daughter but certainly I've witnessed him "tab-hanging", even to the extent that when she wants to talk to her daughter in her bedroom, he is either listening outside the door or will "interrogate" the child afterwards to find out what the mother has said . . . . . then he just puts the opposite ideas into the daughter's head. I've known the family for nearly six years and it's been like this ever since I've known them. It's only since the divorce that we've thought of trying to do something about it. If you new him or could even see a photo of him, you'd have some idea of what we are up against. Yes, he is quite weird.

@Glendower156

I am very grateful for all the input you have given. Whether or not I'll show the mum this thread, I'm not sure about. Do you think I should? She does really try to engage with her daughter but certainly I've witnessed him "tab-hanging", even to the extent that when she wants to talk to her daughter in her bedroom, he is either listening outside the door or will "interrogate" the child afterwards to find out what the mother has said . . . . . then he just puts the opposite ideas into the daughter's head. I've known the family for nearly six years and it's been like this ever since I've known them. It's only since the divorce that we've thought of trying to do something about it. If you new him or could even see a photo of him, you'd have some idea of what we are up against. Yes, he is quite weird.

I find this post odd, OP I think you are becoming more invested in this than you should 'we've though of' it is between the child and her parents.

And not sure a photo could show a person being odd that is a bit rude, and she has two parents so in this case I would say both parents need to sort this out

If the child has an issue she needs to discuss this with her parents, if I was the daughter I would not want everything going on with my parents to be discussed with someone else (ie you OP) not would I want it on a forum.

I think you need to step back

This post is very odd. You seem to have a LOT of first hand knowledge of what is going on in someone else's house and life. Even if the friend had told you what's going on, the way you describe it in so much detail....hmm something just doesn't add up here.

Mmmm, what started to be helpful advice from some has turned into unbridled criticism. Seems that this forum is much like Twitter and Facebook in that many people seem to stay "glued" to their computers for most of the day looking to pick holes in other people's issues. Goodbye!

Your friend was unwise to divorce without a proper financial order, and would not have been able to without a CAO. You seem to know a great deal about their private life, so you perhaps also know what it says and why they do not appear to be following it (I cannot imagine these being the circumstances approved for the DC)

Especially in a city, it's pretty normal to supervise bike rides until the DC are known to be competent and have a bit of experience. Thus can be in the teen years if DC only takes to road cycling about then.

As she's in school,and hanging with friends at least some of the time outside school, I doubt very much she is as cut off and unworldly as you describe.

But even if she was, would it matter? Older teens learn things rapidly when they want or need to. She'll be fine

Not really OP. You've been given a lot of helpful advice, mainly consisting of people telling the mum to toughen up and take control herself. Im not sure what you were expecting. You're not entitled to a supportive thread.

But she is not your child!!!! what is there to be supportive about?

@seayork2020

But she is not your child!!!! what is there to be supportive about?

I’ll bet she is though.