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Original poster

anyone 'go cold' on their baby?

46 replies

Mueslimuselimusli · 10/10/2020 19:54

nc as this is a bit of a weird thing to talk about.

I love my one year old very much. When he was born I felt very protective of him, hated him being out of my sight, loved him to bits, felt heartbroken when he cried. All the normal attachment stuff I guess. Even though he wasn't a great sleeper I would still feel happy doing everything and if I ever got really upset and overwhelmed I would be angry at myself if anything for not getting things right. Never angry at him!!

In the last few weeks I've noticed that I've been feeling more down and lost. I'm now not going back to work unlike a lot of my mum friends. This wasnt entirely my choice as my work have had lots of issues due to covid and wouldnt accept me going any form of part time. I wont go into the whole thing but there was basically no way I could stay. I mention this in case this may be affecting my mood. I dont know anyone else who is a sahp and I feel like a bit of a failure.

Despite my baby being at a more 'fun' age I find him harder to be with. I dont feel like playing with him, even though I used to love playing with other kids in the family. I get so bored with him and all I want to do it look at my phone or do house chores, which is crazy. Some days are better than others but there are times where I just find him really frustrating and feel angry at him. Earlier when he was crying about something I dealt with him but felt no emotion about it. When he had his jabs he cried and again I didnt feel much. It was weird as I really disliked him crying but felt it in a distant apathetic way.

I'm really hoping this is just a phase and I need a break but my parents gave me a break today and I still felt annoyed when I came back to him, despite missing him when he was gone and worrying about the practical things.

What's wrong with me? :( I still do everything for him and he's in no danger, I just feel like there is a barrier to emotion at the moment. I wish I could just appreciate this time with him but for some reason I can't.

OP posts:
PolarBearStrength · 10/10/2020 20:00

You’re almost definitely knackered and babies are quite boring.

For me, this was a symptom of depression. I love my toddler fiercely but I was finding him really quite irritating and the days felt so long and boring. After a couple of weeks on a low dose of antidepressants I’m already feeling much more present and capable (despite being heavily pregnant).

Onceuponatimethen · 10/10/2020 20:00

Ah op I think how you are feeling is totally natural. Saying goodbye to work is a huge step and a big thing in your life. And at this exact age babies go through a stage when they want to be down and walking and they aren’t always quite as portable as they were before.

I would keep a very close eye on your mood to be certain you don’t have post natal depression. If you think you do then gp or hv would be a good call. If this feeling of barrier and hopelessness continues then you should definitely seek help rather than suffering in silence.

Try to be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to see the loveliness in your baby. What do you like doing with him?

ohidoliketobe · 10/10/2020 20:01

Hey OP, it sounds like you've got a lot on and a lot going through your head.
I'm no professional but I'm inclined to suggest it may be other factors and not necessarily your DS/ your relationship with him which is the root cause
Is your health visitor or GP any good? Might be worth a chat with them. Do you have support at home? You mention parents but no DP.
From what I can gather, you were intending to go back to work but that has changed and you are now a sahp? That's major mental adjustment to make so take it easy on yourself. I went back to work after a year both times, and I was genuinely happy to do so. I'm love my DCs but I'm not cut out to be a full time mum. I think I would have struggled had I not been able to return to work. Sometimes when I've spent a prolonged period of time with my two I crave my own space and time, not just being "mum", I need my own identity. Does any of this sound along the lines of how you feel at all?

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rosetintedspectacles · 10/10/2020 20:03

Hi OP, no judgment from me but just wanted to say to cut yourself some slack. You’re experiencing first time motherhood in the hardest year imaginable, and parenting is a rollercoaster of highs and lows anyway let alone the first year!! It’s so normal to have times where you’re not getting as much joy from your children as usual, or to find them harder work than you normally do. It does sound like you might be struggling with your mental health a little though, I wonder whether it might be helpful to ask for some support or an assessment from your GP? Perhaps reach out on a local community group as well to see if you could connect with any local Mums? A good tribe of Mum friends has been my saving grace on many a hard week!!

Sending you lots of love- you sound like a very perceptive, self-reflective person who is committed to being a good parent to your little one 💛 they couldn’t ask for more from you, I’m sure Smile

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 20:03

I’d also be concerned this is depression. Are you maybe deep down blaming your child for loosing your job? Do you maybe see it as his fault?

I’d maybe see how this goes over the next couple of weeks then maybe speak to your gp.

Stonecrop · 10/10/2020 20:03

Could you be depressed? Maybe get a gp appointment. Babies can be tedious at times so don’t beat yourself up about it. These are very trying times with Covid spoiling a lot of nice plans that would usually give you a lift and also would normally allow you to share the joy of your baby with others.

Sunflowertall · 10/10/2020 20:03

Don't be hard on yourself op. Babies are boring like a pp said. I found 0-12 months great and quite easy but 12-18 months incredibly hard. Ebs and flows! Maybe speak to gp if you're worried.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 20:05

'm love my DCs but I'm not cut out to be a full time mum

This is unusual phrasing, I worked, I was still a full time mum. I didn’t stop being a mum when my daughter was in child care or in school, I’m a mum now, that’s she’s working.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 10/10/2020 20:06

This screams depression to me or PND...
A lot of us have been there. I was a train wreck when I had my son, better now though

Germolenequeen · 10/10/2020 20:08

Ah op I think how you are feeling is totally natural

Err no it's a huge red flag for depression - please consult GP ASAP

Onceuponatimethen · 10/10/2020 20:17

@Germolenequeen it is totally natural - I have had depression myself and I think it is recognised by medical professionals that life events can and do trigger depression.

Did you see I went on to say to op that she should speak to hv and or gp if she continues to feel like this?

Original poster
Mueslimuselimusli · 10/10/2020 20:20

Thanks for the lovely comments (can never tell how it will go on mumsnet!) I've been depressed before but almost 10 years ago now when I was a student and was on antidepressants then. My main concern is the cold feeling and I'm worried if it will affect my son :(

I don't consciously blame him for anything, I think I blame myself for my work situation if anything. I think those feelings mean it is hard to then give him all the extra attention.

My partner is lovely. He works long hours but takes ds a lot when he is home especially on weekends, but it's never that long as ds is clingy and still breastfeeding. I honestly love him to bits and now he is in bed I feel awful for what I've written on here. I do have a fear the rest of the year will continue with me walking him to the park and back but doing very little with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mueslimuselimusli · 10/10/2020 20:21

I thought maybe pnd but it's only recently this has started happening so hoped I'd been able to steer clear of that

OP posts:
amalfiboast · 10/10/2020 20:22

Id be concerned that something else is going on with your mood and emotional well-being. I recognise a lot of what youve said, I have a similar age baby but I don't feel like that most of the time. I don't think it's unusual to feel like this on occasion but it is more unusual to feel like this a lot. Especially as how you feel has changed, it's fairly consistent and you've had other stress in your life.

Be kind to yourself OP but I'd talk to your HV or GP.

Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 20:23

Op, pnd could have been triggered by your job loss. Also it could be time to stop breast feeding as this may be adding to it.

Onceuponatimethen · 10/10/2020 20:25

Op I’m really glad posting here has helped. Please don’t feel guilty - I had a very high needs baby and I felt very unhappy at times. But I love him to bits and now he’s 8 years old that love is stronger than ever.

Please do go and get some help. I wish I had recognised earlier that a more structured day would help. It might sound crazy but can you write a timetable so there’s is a bit less dead time.

Can you do more baby classes / baby swim, music classes, just to meet people? Do you have many mum friends yet? Flowers

Athyrium · 10/10/2020 20:25

My mood plummeted when my periods started again ie when I stopped BF. I was fine tho knackered til then. Allwent to shit after

Onceuponatimethen · 10/10/2020 20:25

I don’t think bf would be adding to low mood. I personally found it helped me

ohidoliketobe · 10/10/2020 20:27

@Germolenequeen

Ah op I think how you are feeling is totally natural

Err no it's a huge red flag for depression - please consult GP ASAP

Sorry yeah, bad phrasing. I in no way intended it to mean any one who works isn't a full time mum. I work 36 hours condensed over 3.5 days. I meant stay at home parent
Bluntness100 · 10/10/2020 20:28

@Onceuponatimethen

I don’t think bf would be adding to low mood. I personally found it helped me
With all due respect this is not about you. She’s said she’s finding her child clingy with the breast feeding

The fact it helped you is great. But it’s not really the place to gloat about that.

ohidoliketobe · 10/10/2020 20:29

Replied to wrong comment. Meant to reply to comment which pulled me up for my statement about I'm not cut out to be a full time mum.

Onceuponatimethen · 10/10/2020 20:30

She didn’t actually say that @Bluntness100 - she said her dp couldn’t take the baby for long as he's clingy and breastfed

Yes I did find bf helped me because my very high need baby as calmed by it. No gloating here. Strangely as a mum with a child with special needs who had a very difficult first year of motherhood and felt very lonely with a child who was struggling, I don’t feel I had much to gloat about Sad

Onceuponatimethen · 10/10/2020 20:31

My baby was calmed by bf. Bf can be a useful tool. It won’t generally contribute to low mood for everyone.

tigertreats · 10/10/2020 20:37

Poor you xx it is quite normal to find some phases dull - some people struggle with tiny babies and sounds like you were a pro at that.
Do you think it's the lock down effect ?
I'm personally finding life feels a bit lack lustre - when I've had days out of the house it feels a lot lot better but that's quite tough now.
You're obviously a lovely mummy hence asking the question , maybe get some things in to lock forward to? At one you would normally be able to go to loads of groups etc but that's all tough now so be super kind to yourself.
My favourite age is from 3 onwards I find them magical then xxx

bunintheoven88 · 10/10/2020 20:38

I know what you mean about the cold feeling, I felt like that at times during the first 6 months or so and I was diagnosed with PND.

Now she is nearly 2 I dont get those cold feelings any more, I do think it was a combination of lack of sleep and PND.

Please don't feel guilty, you are only human, but maybe speaking to your GP would be a good idea.