anyone 'go cold' on their baby?

[Mueslimuselimusli]

nc as this is a bit of a weird thing to talk about.

I love my one year old very much. When he was born I felt very protective of him, hated him being out of my sight, loved him to bits, felt heartbroken when he cried. All the normal attachment stuff I guess. Even though he wasn't a great sleeper I would still feel happy doing everything and if I ever got really upset and overwhelmed I would be angry at myself if anything for not getting things right. Never angry at him!!

In the last few weeks I've noticed that I've been feeling more down and lost. I'm now not going back to work unlike a lot of my mum friends. This wasnt entirely my choice as my work have had lots of issues due to covid and wouldnt accept me going any form of part time. I wont go into the whole thing but there was basically no way I could stay. I mention this in case this may be affecting my mood. I dont know anyone else who is a sahp and I feel like a bit of a failure.

Despite my baby being at a more 'fun' age I find him harder to be with. I dont feel like playing with him, even though I used to love playing with other kids in the family. I get so bored with him and all I want to do it look at my phone or do house chores, which is crazy. Some days are better than others but there are times where I just find him really frustrating and feel angry at him. Earlier when he was crying about something I dealt with him but felt no emotion about it. When he had his jabs he cried and again I didnt feel much. It was weird as I really disliked him crying but felt it in a distant apathetic way.

I'm really hoping this is just a phase and I need a break but my parents gave me a break today and I still felt annoyed when I came back to him, despite missing him when he was gone and worrying about the practical things.

What's wrong with me? :( I still do everything for him and he's in no danger, I just feel like there is a barrier to emotion at the moment. I wish I could just appreciate this time with him but for some reason I can't.

Hi op-
This was when I realised I had pnd- my baby was just 1. I actually called off wedding and split up with baby's dad after deciding I didn't love him anymore. It wasn't until I felt the same way for my baby that I realised something was wrong. I hadn't fell out of love I had literally just gone numb.
I always thought depression was sadness, but at least for me it wasn't feeling sad- it was feeing nothing.

Mentally OP you probably enjoyed the earlier year thinking it would come to an end, now you aren’t returning to work it feels relentless and endless. Also I found 1-2 years old far harder than the first year. Soo much energy, no vocab and no attention span- it gets better but you can look for work even if not an ideal time.

Bludy covid is probably amplifying everything for you bless you. Hope you’re ok

Whilst it can be totally normal to find 1yr olds hard work and wanting to go back to work is a often natural expectation these days, the fact you say you feel distant from your emotions is a huge red flag for me. Feeling numb, just wanting to sit and scroll or do something mindless like vacuuming is what happens to me when i get depressed. Its the early warning sign for me that my life is not in balance and I need to make changes. So I'd really encourage you to speak to someone and get help. It could be PND or it could be another type of depression or it could be a low mood or anxiety, whatever it is don't ignore the feelings

I'm with you on this one op. My dc is 18 months and I love him but don't enjoy it as I used to. I feel like a shit mum as I see so many mums interacting with their toddlers where as me, I'm counting seconds until he naps and hardly communicate. I'm not a morning person at all and very sleep deprived and I just feel frustrated all the time as I can't be bothered to talk to him or play with him. I'm too tired although dc isn't the one where you could do activities at all as he is always on the go. I imagined a child where I can read books and do activities but he is very destructive and boisterous which I don't enjoy at all. My time is spent keeping him alive (he gets up to all sorts as soon as I turn my head for a second) fed and cleaning him. I don't have any support anyone that could take him for a couple of hours. I'm starting to realise that by day, my voice is louder shouting at him which is not fair. I've left him to cry without feeling sorry for him. Maybe I am depressed although I did have prenatal depression due to extreme morning sickness for 9 months but the depression went as soon as I gave birth. I love him lots and can't imagine life without him and I don't even dare to miss my single child free days as I love ds so much but feeling like this makes me feel guilty. Good luck to you and I totally understand you.

@Onceuponatimethen totally agree with your comment, BF soothes and settles the little one and it's the only time I get to bond.

@Onceuponatimethen

Having had severe clinical depression myself I'm well aware of the triggers - feeling as OP does is not "normal" it's a red flag as I said

"Natural" not "normal" no specs on atm

@Mueslimuselimusli hope you feel better soon 💓

You're talking about burnout which is a common cause of PND.

Would it be an option to go back to work, maybe part time?

Defo see your GP/HV, whichever one you find more empathetic.

If going back to work is not an option, I found it essential at this age to have some kind of structure and social contact. That might be especially difficult at the moment with COVID - could you look into whether any groups or activities (like library story time) are running? If there are no groups running, maybe it would be worth trying to find some other SAHMs in your area with similarly aged children to meet up with regularly. Having 2-3 regular meet ups per week really helped me.

You need time off/time to yourself as well. At the weekend or an evening every few weeks.

This is a useful/interesting idea to take on board - that we don't need to be entertaining or occupying or spending "quality time" with our DC every second they are awake:

www.janetlansbury.com/2020/04/5-ways-parents-can-make-their-lives-easier-right-now/

That all ought to give you more space to be "you", whoever that is :) She might be who you were before, or she might be somebody new.

What part isn't normal, the feeling colder to things like crying with vaccs or wanting to do things like go on my phone instead of play with him? Or is it the combination if it happens too much?

@clumsyv that sounds so hard :( are you talking to anyone about it? Sounds worse than how I'm feeling even!

Sending you hugs OP.

I’m a FTM to DD 3 months, a 6 weeks premmie IVF baby after I lost her big brother at 18 weeks pregnant and then two miscarriages. So a very dearly wanted baby. Sometimes I feel love for her so fierce it feels like my heart could burst. But then there are the times she won’t settle or I’m so tired and I get frustrated and angry and do what I need to do just feeling numb, like going through the motions. And then feel massively guilty for feeling that way because I wanted her so much.

The things keeping me sane are my DH who is amazing, and supportive family who are nearby (I’m in Sydney, Australia so they can come over very easily). And my psychiatrist and psychologist (I have moderately severe depression so am being closely monitored).

I felt a bit like this towards the end of my mat leave and I found I was zoning out more. Then I went back full time, missed my daughter like crazy and made the most of our weekends, and the time we had together and still do.

Parenting is exhausting and at times, boring. It takes a huge emotional toll when you feel like your only purpose in life is to care for other people and you have no time or energy for yourself, no matter how willingly we do it as parents. Things do get better.

I've thought about distance learning but don't know where to start and have limited time where I can investigate this. I wasn't in an ideal job before baby (as you can probably tell from how they treated me!) and I was stupid enough to think maternity would give me reflection time if I didnt go back and find something else (obviously didn't predict a pandemic).

I think I feel very aimless and directionless, but the crazy thing is I am also desperate for another baby! This won't happen (don't worry!) But I think as baby is the only thing I'm doing, I feel like I might as well have another one now so I can focus on the baby years then maybe when the madness of pandemic is over I can go back to normality of work if that is more clear. I desperately want more children in general.

The idea of waiting around for 2 or 3 years and then doing it again just when life is opening back up doesn't feel great.

@BGDino

Sending you hugs OP.

I’m a FTM to DD 3 months, a 6 weeks premmie IVF baby after I lost her big brother at 18 weeks pregnant and then two miscarriages. So a very dearly wanted baby. Sometimes I feel love for her so fierce it feels like my heart could burst. But then there are the times she won’t settle or I’m so tired and I get frustrated and angry and do what I need to do just feeling numb, like going through the motions. And then feel massively guilty for feeling that way because I wanted her so much.

The things keeping me sane are my DH who is amazing, and supportive family who are nearby (I’m in Sydney, Australia so they can come over very easily). And my psychiatrist and psychologist (I have moderately severe depression so am being closely monitored).

@Mueslimuselimusli I still breastfeed him many times a day as he uses me like a bar and that's one of the moments I feel so much love towards him being grateful that I have him. I love him loads. Being sleep deprived does affect me a lot and having no support. My DS was the same age as your dc when lockdown happened and also we are at a age where many parents (my friends) complain about these ages being the most boring. I can't wait until the terrible twos (not) :) but I do need to talk to someone professionally about this as it could be burnout or something deeper. DS is also very high needs and very hyperactive and won't eat and sleep without me. As I've mentioned before I imagined it being fun being able to read to him and doing activities but I can't as he is more interested in physical activities such as wrestling me or climbing on things. I just feel I have to work as twice as hard as some other mum friends who have more content babies.

I felt pretty 'cold' to dd until she was about 15 months. First the breastfeeding was torture and it was hard not view her as a torture device. Then I was so depressed and lonely and bored on maternity leave that I found being with her such a slog. I found going back to work saved my sanity and my feelings for dd 'righted' themselves after that. I wonder if knowing you are not going back to work is affecting your mood. I was suicidal for most of mat leave then when I went back to work it was like a light switching back on. Babies up to 2 yrs are a thankless slog IMHO. From 2 onwards is the good bit! Obviously not everyone would agree but I found it helpful to hear from people who hated the baby stage as much as I did.

@clumsyv

You're reply is exactly how I feel and we have no help at all from any family also. It's really hard going with a baby who like yours is constantly on the go all of the time and won't sit still for an activity for long. Our Lg is 14 months and just started Leap 9! God were exhausted, 2 days of constant whining and clinginess, she went to bed an hour ago and me and DH just started sneezing our heads off feel Ill and come out in mouth ulcers 🥺 were abs knackered! Ours doesn't nap much either, never has. The most is 40 minutes once a day but most days just 20 min nap but she does so far but only since 11 months sleeps through mostly but due to the leaping is currently waking again at 4am. Just keep telling myself this will pass but then it isn't long before another phase of being totally exhausted begins, just keep wondering why the hell abyone does this more than once, I can only guess their first wasn't like mine. I recall my mum telling me I was such an easy baby but my sister, her 2nd baby she was totally different, woke a lot, never napped and just generally whiny a lot of the time. Just can't wait for the day to feel half human again and not running on empty feeling half asleep most days, still can't get over how tired I am some days still it's crazy!!

You sound like a great mum op, to be honest as gorgeous as babies are, they're really fucking boring.

I found the days a drag a lot of the time, make sure you have some time to yourself.

He’s one, you’re still breastfeeding - that is knackering and hormonal - be kind to yourself. Is baby walking yet?
I’ve always found it hard to just be at home with my son... especially at that stage where they aren’t a baby but aren’t a proper toddler yet either so no sense of fear compared to their abilities. Such a tricky time with groups/ children’s centres being closed atm but found days where we got up and out so much easier and that I really enjoyed him out compared to climbing the walls at home.