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Parenting

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Original poster

AIBU expecting him to stop shouting at DD?

47 replies

GenGenGo · 09/10/2020 12:09

My partner and I clash about parenting styles. I favour a loving, gentle approach, not quite as far as full-on Therapeutic Parenting but basically, not shouting at children unless they're gonna get run over..

I'm fine with Time Out, consequences etc and definitely want to teach boundaries and respect. OH favours shouting and shouts at length. I simply can't bear it, to me it's terribly unkind shouting at children whilst they're crying when it's not even a spectacularly naughty thing they've done!

Last night he shouted at our four-old as she wanted to be tucked in again at 6am and he said she should just pull the covers up. Shouted at length, "I'm sick of it, I've had enough, you do it. I'm sick of it, we've told you a million times." In his defense, yeah she does always wake up, get out of bed and then wake us up to put her back and cover her up. But then again, she is only four....

I'm not so uncertain about what normal behaviour is (with a partner/as a parent). OH is so utterly convinced that I'M being awful when I tell him to acts like he hates her when he is shouting like that. He says I am soft and that she needs discipline. It's true, she is not that great at following orders and has been told to stay in bed etc but she is far from wayward, it's all pretty standard stuff.

OH's mood can sometimes be very angry and negative as he reacts very badly to life's stresses. DD loves him dearly and he is a really great parent in numerous ways. I'm at the point that I don't know whether I need to make a big compromise and accept we parent differently or whether shouting a lot really is wrong. I can't tell if I'm blowing this all out of proportion because I detest shouting and arguing so much and view his behaviour as unkind. Is it?

OP posts:

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Lockdownseperation · 09/10/2020 12:11

Your not blowing it out of proportion. Your DD is 4 yrs old and wanted some love and reassurance during the night and he shouted at her.

user128472578267 · 09/10/2020 12:17

His behaviour is abhorrent.

Greysparkles · 09/10/2020 12:22

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel and have been known to shout at my kids when they truly push my buttons. But she's so little and 6am is a reasonable time to be awake!

It's not on to shout at a child who only wants comfort.

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Sunnydaysstillhere · 09/10/2020 12:26

Bed at 6? No wonder she can't fall straight to sleep...

Peridot1 · 09/10/2020 12:33

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Bed at 6? No wonder she can't fall straight to sleep...

6am not pm!

Letsgetgoing123 · 09/10/2020 12:41

@GenGenGo

I literally could have written this post myself, except our dcs are older.

What I will say is that once the dcs get older, they start to form their own opinions, and they respect dh a lot less, in fact they don’t listen to him half the time, just let him rant on.

They also verbalise to him that he does not need to get so wound up so quickly and that can sometimes diffuse the situation, a lot of the time we all end up laughing at him.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely believe in discipline and boundaries, but especially with teenagers you really need to pick your battles. Ranting and raging because of towels on the floor or not doing what told first time hardly warrants yelling.

I think it can be to do with their upbringing, and do wonder if their family life was like that?

Original poster

GenGenGo · 09/10/2020 13:15

Thank you so much for your responses, all of you. I’m just processing all of this and will check back later

OP posts:

Cheeeeislifenow · 09/10/2020 13:23

He is a horrid prick... I never day this but leave, leave now and don't delay.

Cheeeeislifenow · 09/10/2020 13:24

And he is not a good parent at all.

Cheeeeislifenow · 09/10/2020 13:25

I'm sorry to be blunt but honestly behaving like the a four year old is abusive.

ChelseaCat · 09/10/2020 13:25

He sounds awful. I hope he treats you bette Ethan he treats her

Neolara · 09/10/2020 13:34

Settings limits is good. Shouting a lot is pretty terrible.

Onthedancefloor · 09/10/2020 13:39

If you've got to the point of shouting at your children, then you've lost control of yourself. I would have to admit that I have done occasionally but know that it says more about me and how I feel than being effective parenting.

Shouting is scary, children shouldn't be scared of their parents.

Catarinah · 09/10/2020 16:23

Continuous shouting is a form of verbal abuse, it really isn't right, especially towards children. She won't be able to understand why he's shouting so much over something so trivial. Shouting can actually cause aggression in children (I'm a welfare officer and I've worked on anger management with many children who've been raised in these sort of households). We all lose our sh*t sometimes and may occasionally shout in temper, but it should be rare, not over a 4 year old being tucked in. Can you gather him some statistics to show the effects of shouting at children? There's loads of research to back you up online, he may then realise its not you "being soft". I don't agree with the above posted saying "leave him" though, it's not anyone else's place to make those sort of comments, especially after reading one post, seperation can also have an everlasting negative effect on children, and to say "I hope he treats you better than her" is ridiculous, surely you'd hope your OH would treat you all kindly, if not your children more so, not the other way around. Hoping things work out for you and your family x

Indecisivelurcher · 09/10/2020 16:33

I don't think my dh speaks to the children the right way. He is quick to shout at them and to expect them to do what they're told. With him though it's like he can't see or hear himself. For instance at dinner last night Dd age 5 knocked over her water, then reached across to forcibly take a yoghurt from her brother. Granted not good behaviour. Dh was stood behind her, she didn't realise, and he shouted her that's not nice. I saw her face crumble and she cried hysterically. I said h you didn't need to shout like that. He went into a rant /huff how that wasn't shouting, we're always saying he looks angry or is shouting but it's not, it's just his face and his voice and we all need to get used to it, then didn't speak to me all evening went off to watch TV. Its bloody exhausting. Yes she needed reprimanding, but I don't think like that. Then of course I've 'undermined him'.

When it's not heat of the moment we've discussed and he's understood about trying a different tack. I've said that he's not doing anything wrong but him and Dd are butting heads, what will it be like when she's older, and he's the adult so responsible for changing things. But it's hard to change behaviour isn't it.

October89 · 09/10/2020 17:51

My step dad used to yell when I was a kid and I can tell you that it still effects me today. I cannot deal with people raising their voices at me and makes me have a panic attack. Your child is going to end up being scared to approach you or her dad from fear of being shouted it. It's no way of parenting.

tigger001 · 09/10/2020 18:12

You are not blowing this out of proportion, I wouldn't stand for that. She's 4

Did he always think he would parent like this or has he changed to what he thought he would parent like ?

I don't understand the he shouted at her tonight for waking up at 6am and asking for covers to be put over her. Is he shouting at her the evening after this happened ?? That is way out of line if so, it bad enough doing at the time (6am) without waiting all day to do it.

HollowTalk · 09/10/2020 18:15

So he thinks the best way to treat a 4 year old girl is to act as though he's a sergeant major, bollocking the troops?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 09/10/2020 19:02

6pm is far too early...

Lockdownseperation · 09/10/2020 19:04

@Sunnydaysstillhere the OP says 6am

YoureRight · 10/10/2020 13:57

Terrorising a child is not ‘parenting’, dump your shitty, child abusing boyfriend and never allow a man to do that to her again.

Codexdivinchi · 10/10/2020 14:06

I’d probably have punched him in the back of the head.

My 7 year old still wanders in some times and I have to put her back in bed. It’s a non issue for me. They are looking for their mum and dad.

RightOnTheEdge · 10/10/2020 14:15

Shouting "at length" is not normal and his reaction to your dd getting out of bed is totally over the top. It must be awful for her to be shouted at all the time.

Was it last night or this morning at 6am? It's not really clear.
Either way he was out of order but she won't stay in bed if she is going to bed too early.

RightOnTheEdge · 10/10/2020 14:16

The OP says 6am but also says last night.

Suzi888 · 10/10/2020 14:23

She woke at 6am in the morning or went to bed at 6pm???
Either way shouting/ screaming over her getting out of bed is ridiculous.
I do shout at my 4 year old if she’s done something very naughty, that she’s been told not to do before or anything dangerous. But not at length, and not screeching like a psycho just a raised and firm voice, we don’t dwell on it and it’s rare.
I wouldn’t want my children to be afraid of me.

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