Makes me feel like a shit mum

[Ohalrightthen]

Im absolutely falling into the trap of comparing myself to other mums on social media. Except it's mumsnet not insta.

You see sooo many posts on here about women really, really not wanting to leave their babies - not wanting to get a babysitter for a night or leave with grandparents, dreading nursery, etc - and all the comments are people saying that it's completely normal, that baby is only 7 (9, 14, 18) months and is still tiny and needs to be with mum, that it would be unfair to the baby, that there's no need to leave a little baby if it's not essential, etc etc

Part of me knows that people are just saying this to reassure the OP that she should go with her gut and not leave her baby until she wants to, but...

I have never once worried about leaving my baby. Never. She's almost one, and ever since she was born she's been away from me lots. Family and friends used to take her out for long walks so i could sleep when she was a newborn, we've gone out for lunch and dinner without her, I've gone on days out, she goes to nursery...

I have literally never thought twice about leaving her, and now seeing all this about how it's unfair to the baby to be without mum makes me feel like i might have damaged her, developmentally, or she'll be insecurely attached, or maybe she's fine and I'm just a cold, unloving woman.

Even writing this i know it sounds stupid. I just can't shake it. I took her to nursery for the first time and bumped into a friend, she said "oh, it's so tough isn't it, who cried more, you or the baby?" and i all of a sudden felt like a heartless bitch - i didn't cry at all (neither did she, tbf) just gave her a kiss and said I'd see her later and left. Didn't think twice about it.

I was proud of myself for avoiding PND,as i have a history of severe depression, and bonding really well with her, but now i think maybe i haven't after all? It's not supposed to be easy to leave your baby!

I had this with both of mine. I didn’t feel guilty or sad about it. I think everyone feels different and you shouldn’t feel odd because of it. I didn’t get upset on first nursery days or the first day of school. I am really mindful of making my own mental health a priority, me being in a good place mentally means we function better as a family as I am with the kids the most. On the rare occasions some one else has then I am pleased to get a break.

You're not s bad parent and you're overthinking it.

Parenting comes in all different shapes and sizes, there isn't one best way.

I never got why parents took photos of the first day of school, it never occurred to me to.

I didn't feel shy need to very then dropping my children off at nursery either.

I didn't cry when my eldest left home but apparently I read supposed to? Not sure why I would cry, he was heading off on an adventure and I was really excited for him!

Don't compare yourself to others, especially not to what people say on the internet.

Don't believe the hype... I count down the time until I'm child free and have done since my babies were a few months old. Parenthood is relentless and hard work and I definitely don't pine for mine when they're not with me or cry when they start nursery.

I sometimes have to go away for work and I usually start missing them around day 4/5. Before that I'm just enjoying the time being me with no one else to be responsible for. Bliss.

Excuse the terrible predictive text.

I think is a sign of confidence and good mental well-being to not feel the need to cry when our children reach milestones. Or maybe we're just not as sentimental as others.

I never cried when I dropped my son at nursery for the first time. Quite frankley I just dont understand it when people say they're in floods of tears about it. Today I was supposed to be working and DS is booked into Nursery because of that. Turns out im not working, but DS is still going to Nursery. Im really looking forward to a 'day off'

You and she are fine.

So much depends on the child and the mum. Your dd might be a lot like my DC2, who from newborn seemed much more relaxed about being with others. It meant that I didn't feel guilty about leaving her, whereas with dc1 and 3 it was often very upsetting to leave them with others or at nursery when they were sobbing and clinging to my clothes.

Similarly if mothers feel sad or worried to leave their small babies (which is totally ok too), their babies are much more likely to pick up on that and get upset too.

You know this already, but you're doing fine and step away from social media, even this one!

To be perfectly honest I don't compare myself to others nor my son to other children, I have never been a parent before and he has never been a child before lol! so it is all new to us at each stage.

Social media is not real (and forums really) it is only information people put out there - if people want to parent by the way others do then it is actually impossible really as none of us will ever get it right. What is 'right' anyway.

I do find it odd that parents don't realise kids were raised perfectly well before social media/forums came along - but if a person does parent by it they only have themselves to blame.

But far out do people IRL really overthink and dramatize things as much now on a forum and social media as our parents did? or does it just seem that way?

Everybody is different.
I kept my eldest in nursery 2 days a week when my youngest was born, despite me being on maternity leave. I didn't think anything of it until a friend I hadn't seen in months said 'Oh I'd never ever put my children in childcare if I was at home!!' I hadn't mentioned it to her, so it was clear it was something another person and her had chatted about...I felt a bit like you OP like am I damaging my biggest? Sometimes I have a day off and they are both in childcare..It's self care and I can get bits done (or not! Sometimes it's nice just not to get anything done for a few hours!) I don't feel guilty about it because they are both happy where they are..and because self care and rest are vital to me staying well...its taken a lot of time but I've realised that I have to put my own oxygen mask on first, or nobody survives.
Of course kids love and need closeness from their consistent care givers, but they also need those people to look after themselves xx

I didn't cry when I left her at the childminders and I'm quite happy to leave her with grandparents

Come to think of it I didn't cry when she was born

But I know there's nothing wrong in any of it

Please don't worry about it OP! It's important to recognise that everyone is different and that you are taking brilliant care of your child by making sure they are somewhere safe, loving etc when you can't be with them. It took me ages to realise when I had mine that it was ok to leave her with someone else to have a break - I was fine about doing it for something like the dentist as that's 'essential' but it was a while before I felt ok about putting her in nursery and having a nice relaxing day to myself if I had some annual leave!

I, too, was rather bemused by the expectation of being upset leaving her at nursery - I was shown to a sofa with a strategically placed box of tissues for the first time when I was meant to leave her for half an hour - and asked if it was ok to go to the leisure centre next door to get a cup of tea instead! I had a blissful 25 mins on my own with tea and a book. I think it helped her settle at nursery (which she did very quickly) because there wasn't any worry or upset around?

I also found that being away from mine meant the time we were together was better. I found maternity leave rather overwhelming and had PND as we were rarely apart (no one else to help with the baby), things really improved once I was back at work 3 days a week. I also didn't miss her whilst I was at work, I seemed to need the 3 days to reset before another 4 days at home with her. I've been through some worry, guilt etc about this (my extended family are into attachment parenting which can make it difficult being like me!) but DD is now 4yo, very confident, started school very easily and settled almost immediately (despite the difficult circumstances - Covid meant she hadn't ever visited school before and no other kid from her preschool went there).
Good luck OP!

Don't worry I think you're perfectly normal. I have 2 toddlers and have never felt upset at leaving them when I can 👍

OP I left mine from when they were babies quite early on, either for work or socially, although bar Christmas I wouldn’t be a huge party animal. Overnight I left them from 5 months

I think people who won’t leave their children even for a few hours, or a night as they get older, and talk of how they can’t leave them ,even with granny, have an unhealthy overeliance on their children. They are often the same people who have a narrow ‘just us’ view of family and who struggle to let their children develop independence and then struggle themselves when children fly the nest. Much better to be a rounded individual with a loving but balanced approach to parenting.

My children are my everything but I don’t treat them like my possessions and I didn’t lose myself on becoming a mother

You certainly aren’t a shit mum, OP. To be honest, there’s a performative element to a lot of the “I miss my kids so much when I’m apart from them that I want to cut my own head off out of grief” stuff. Which isn’t to say that some mothers don’t genuinely struggle with being apart from their kids, or that some kids aren’t clingier and harder to leave than others. But there’s an expectation that you’re going to be utterly broken up when you go back to work, or that you’ll cry on your child’s first day at school, and it can hard to say “honestly, I’m pretty fine” when everyone is telling you that you must be completely devastated and unable to function.

Don’t get my wrong, I missed the hell out of DD when I went back to work, and most of the day I’d have a nagging feeling that I’d left something important somewhere. But there were people at work who used to give me a pitying head tilt and would want to hear how wretchedly unhappy I was. Whereas my boss expected to hear that I was enjoying being back at work, so I’d give him the whole “I’m so excited to be back and, wow, it’s great to be able to sit and have a coffee at my desk without being disturbed” routine.

They're just doing it to be nice to the op.

So many times on here I've had to remind myself 'if you've got nothing nice to say don't say it' and scroll on by. There are many lovely posters on mumsnet who will support the op absolutely regardless of what they write.

Also, what matters is that you’re warm and responsive when you are with your baby. My mother was always the kind of mother described by merrygoround51 - she made a big deal of never wanting to be apart from her kids and used to come out with all the usual sanctimonious stuff about “I don’t know why other women have kids if they want to work/ have evenings out/ use a babysitter”. However, she was a pretty cold mother who wasn’t actually very interested in our feelings or real personalities. As an adult, my relationship with her isn’t close.

I can't tell you how much better this has made me feel. Also a little silly. Definitely guilty of letting other people get into my head. I suppose I'd just been kinda smug about having a baby who could be happily left with others, despite the fact that she only saw mummy and daddy for 6 months, and then hearing all that about not wanting to leave them made me feel like maybe that wasn't a good sign after all.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences, and for reading my ridiculous exhausted post-gin novel of an OP.

It’s a hell of a lot easier to be blasé about leaving your child with a babysitter or other child care when they go without a care in the world.

DC1 went off without a care in the world. DC2 not even a little bit. Much more anxious, shy, unsure, attached - whatever you want to call it. She just didn’t want to be parted. And because she got so upset about it, it rubbed off on me.

If you have a child who’s happy to go off, make the most of it, its perfectly normal, and just hope that any future children react similarly!

I didn’t leave my children at all, I still don’t although now they are both in school. I never understood people who left their babies, happy to just go off without them was absolutely shocking to me.

My sister however was happy to cart her baby off for dinners out and weekends away in other countries and I did judge her but obviously never said anything.

Now I’m older (early 30’s) I understand more that people are different, including parents and what works for some doesn’t for others.

Am I Jelous of all the free childcare she got, no, do I still judge her? Absolutely not, no harm came from it, some people are more maternal than others, some people are more independent and resilient than others too. (The sister being the one whose more independent)

Both sets of our kids are lovely, it didint have any negative affect either way so do what you are comfortable doing.

I'm same as you OP! Never felt guilty for a second. I have a wonderful, happy well adjusted toddler who loves us and his grandparents, loves nursery and all his friends. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you're not allowed to have a life x

Well my 8 month old has only been away from me twice (both times with her dad) and I feel like a terrible mum because I go back to work soon and I should have left her more! Basically as a mum you feel rubbish whatever you do, it just means you care. The reason I haven't left her is mainly because of coronavirus but also I'm terrible at asking people to have her, would be quite happy to have a break! Please don't feel like a rubbish mum, you really aren't

Everyone is different OP - mums and children - it could be just the combination of your two personalities doesn’t equal anxiety and crying. That’s a good thing! I am totally one of the mums you describe, I would never leave my girls with a babysitter, I’ve had precisely 2 nights away in 3.5 years (and felt anxious the whole time). I don’t go out without them and cried (a little!) when 3.5 year old started a wee 3-hour nursery session a few weeks ago (although she was delighted!). It doesn’t make me a better mum, it just makes me a more anxious and emotional person. My elder daughter is a confident wee thing and loves nursery, has never cried or asked for mummy, so that’s just her personality I guess! On the other hand thought there are loads of things that I question whether it makes me a heartless mum, for example I’m very strict when it comes to discipline and I often wonder if I’m too harsh / have too high expectations. Also people always seem to go on about co-sleeping, how wonderful it is falling asleep snuggled up to your DC, and even chuck the husband out the bed! I have never and would never let my kids sleep in my bed, they sleep in their own beds and I don’t feel bad about it! There’s always something you do differently that will make you question yourself when you compare to others. But we’re all just different!

@Redcups64

I didn’t leave my children at all, I still don’t although now they are both in school. I never understood people who left their babies, happy to just go off without them was absolutely shocking to me.

My sister however was happy to cart her baby off for dinners out and weekends away in other countries and I did judge her but obviously never said anything.

Now I’m older (early 30’s) I understand more that people are different, including parents and what works for some doesn’t for others.

Am I Jelous of all the free childcare she got, no, do I still judge her? Absolutely not, no harm came from it, some people are more maternal than others, some people are more independent and resilient than others too. (The sister being the one whose more independent)

Both sets of our kids are lovely, it didint have any negative affect either way so do what you are comfortable doing.

Im sure you're trying to be helpful, but implying that being comfortable leaving your child for a bit makes you "less maternal" and saying that you judged your sister for having time to herself is EXACTLY the sort of thing I'm talking about reading that makes me feel like utter shit.

I (and pretty much everyone i know) would say I'm very maternal, always wanted a baby, very good with babies, an excellent mother to my baby, all about the singing and the breastfeeding, sling wearing etc. I just haven't ever felt the need to let her subsume my entire existence. I think it's quite harmful for little girls to grow up with mothers who have nothing else in their lives than parenthood.

I know you caveated it with some personal growth at the end there, but still, not really a helpful thing to read, knowing that people like you are judging me, even if they might eventually grow up a bit and get over it, and pretty much exactly what i was talking about upsetting me in my OP.

@redcups64 are you saying that those who are ok with leaving their babies in a childcare setting 'less maternal'?

My DS is 2 and has stayed out every week since 8 month old at my parents house. He had stayed plenty of times before then when I wanted to go out or had stuff to do. He goes to the childminder two days a week now and I have never had a problem leaving him there which actually makes it easier for everyone involved!

Ahh you had my sympathy OP and, I know you’re probably just feeling defensive, but there’s absolutely no need for:
“I think it's quite harmful for little girls to grow up with mothers who have nothing else in their lives than parenthood.”
This has no basis in fact and you’re just saying it to try and make yourself feel better / make other mums feel shit about their life choices, which isn’t very kind given that on the whole everyone has been supportive of you when you were complaining of that very thing!