Makes me feel like a shit mum

[Ohalrightthen]

Im absolutely falling into the trap of comparing myself to other mums on social media. Except it's mumsnet not insta.

You see sooo many posts on here about women really, really not wanting to leave their babies - not wanting to get a babysitter for a night or leave with grandparents, dreading nursery, etc - and all the comments are people saying that it's completely normal, that baby is only 7 (9, 14, 18) months and is still tiny and needs to be with mum, that it would be unfair to the baby, that there's no need to leave a little baby if it's not essential, etc etc

Part of me knows that people are just saying this to reassure the OP that she should go with her gut and not leave her baby until she wants to, but...

I have never once worried about leaving my baby. Never. She's almost one, and ever since she was born she's been away from me lots. Family and friends used to take her out for long walks so i could sleep when she was a newborn, we've gone out for lunch and dinner without her, I've gone on days out, she goes to nursery...

I have literally never thought twice about leaving her, and now seeing all this about how it's unfair to the baby to be without mum makes me feel like i might have damaged her, developmentally, or she'll be insecurely attached, or maybe she's fine and I'm just a cold, unloving woman.

Even writing this i know it sounds stupid. I just can't shake it. I took her to nursery for the first time and bumped into a friend, she said "oh, it's so tough isn't it, who cried more, you or the baby?" and i all of a sudden felt like a heartless bitch - i didn't cry at all (neither did she, tbf) just gave her a kiss and said I'd see her later and left. Didn't think twice about it.

I was proud of myself for avoiding PND,as i have a history of severe depression, and bonding really well with her, but now i think maybe i haven't after all? It's not supposed to be easy to leave your baby!

My son went to my ILs from a newborn till he was older then my parents (we moved overseas where they are) from a young age, he just went off with them because he was used it, it was his normal.

I didnt see the benefit of being with me and dh when he was a baby all the time, he could be fed/bathed/changed and played with perfectly well by his grandparents,of course not all grandparents want or are able to do it but his were

I’m maternal. I also never worried about leaving mine. Trusted the people I left them with, researched nurseries and made informed decisions. Took days off work and went to galleries, museums etc on my own.
I’m a better parent knowing that I can have time to do the things I want and I no longer feel the need to input a caveat about loving my kids when explaining to people why I want to do my own thing.
You are fine! Take a break from Mumsnet x

@Phrowzunn

Ahh you had my sympathy OP and, I know you’re probably just feeling defensive, but there’s absolutely no need for: “I think it's quite harmful for little girls to grow up with mothers who have nothing else in their lives than parenthood.” This has no basis in fact and you’re just saying it to try and make yourself feel better / make other mums feel shit about their life choices, which isn’t very kind given that on the whole everyone has been supportive of you when you were complaining of that very thing!

I absolutely take your point, i apologise. FWIW, i didn't mean SAHMs, or women who choose to stay with their children, i was more referring to the sort of women referenced by various PP upthread, who completely martyr themselves for their children and let them subsume their entire identities. I don't think that's healthy at all for anyone in those families, but having been raised by one, i would say that it took a long time for those expectations and assumptions to work their way out of myself (and my sisters) and for us to feel confident that still being our own women didnt make us bad mothers.

@Phrowzunn my comment was based on my own personal experience, and the issues that example of motherhood has left me with, i should have made that clear. Thank you for your support, your first comment did really resonate with me, im really sorry if i caused you any upset.

@Redcups64
I’m very maternal. My dds friends like me precisely because they see me as a loving and caring person. Yet I didn’t have issues with leaving my dd at nursery. I needed to leave her for my health as I was too ill to look after her. I shed lots of tears. Tears because I couldn’t and still can’t do what I wanted to with dd because I was and am just too ill and disabled. Never tears for leaving dd. She was exactly where she needed to be with people, who could stimulate her and most importantly feed her. I was too ill to even do this.

Take a break from Mumsnet

Totally agree with this sentiment. Ive been cruising around MN since I found out I was pregnant (baby is 6 months now), but in that short amount of time ive found theres a lot of 'show' in what people write, I think for fear of being called out for being unsafe/unloving/uncaring etc. MN is great for so many reasons, but if you're a little under-confident or take too much stock from every single poster I think it can be quite an unhelpful place to be.

@Redcups64
Oh and dd found it hard. I would sit with her on the little sofa for 10 mins and / or stay with her while she had breakfast and settled. Dd struggling hurt. Not my decision to leave dd. I had to be strong for her. Be her mummy, not get caught up in my wants. It doesn’t sound as if you understand that yet. Being only early 30’s and all.

I'm not sure how old your baby is but my girls are now 9,8 and 6. I have never felt guilty about leaving them and they are well rounded loving children.

I left my first baby over night at 10 weeks it just never occurred to me that it would be looked at as terrible. She was with her nanny and they love each other and I knew she was safe. They have been in child care since they were all little because I work not as a necessity (very lucky) but because I want too. They love it there they play with friends instead of sitting at home watching telly. The time we have together is really good quality and my youngest still sneaks in in the morning for a cuddle before the day starts. I didn't give my identity over to the midwife when I had my baby, my wants and needs are still valid. I also see my children as separate beings not an extension of me so no i didn't cry at nursery or what ever else 'big' moment. I was excited for them. I don't get this competitiveness of parents saying they couldn't leave their children and honestly now they are all grown up I can tell you the ones who moan about not being able to leave little timmy with nanny so they can have 30 minutes to have a bloody smear test or some crap.

It wasn't until I made mum friends that I sort of questioned how I was as a parent and then I gave my head a wobble and just realised everyone does things differently and as long as my family are happy that's all that counts.

Also OP, just yesterday evening you jumped all over someone for leaving her baby to sleep in a separate room at 5.5 months and not following guidelines. I think its a bit incredulous that you've made a post bemoaning other people making you feel like a shit mum, whereas thats exactly what you did yesterday evening.

As PP said, maybe step away from MN for a bit.

@Ohalrightthen Solidarity! I went on holiday to Gran Canaria with a girlfriend for 4 days when DD was 7 months old, then again this year in Feb to Spain when she was 19 months. So glad I did that now as little did we know what was coming with Covid! DH and I have only had one night away from her since she was born (she's now 26 months) but that's because we don't have readily available childcare, not because we can't bear to leave her! She absolutely loves spending time with her dad when I'm not around, and also her grandparents (neither of whom she sees that often as they aren't local, so when she does see them she is so excited). She also loves nursery and while she loves being with us, I like knowing she can cope when she's with other people! And no, I don't feel guilty wanting a night away to myself with DH, especially as we have number 2 due in 3 months time! Do what makes YOU happy.

I just remembered going to a baby group and one woman said she'd left her 3mo with grandparents for the weekend whilst she and partner went on a mini break! Half the women there were utterly horrified and declared they could never do such a thing, the other half were jealous and desperate to do the same!

I was in the latter group (and it was also when I realised we wouldn't get a night away from DD until she went on something like Brownie camp as there's no one to leave her with!)

DD had to go to NICU to have a cannula put in about an hour after her birth. She was away from me for about 20 mins - I remember the utter bliss at finally being in a room all on my own! It didn't occur to me to worry as she was with medical professionals! Others can't seem to bear to be apart from their newborn.

[quote Letsallscreamatthesistene]@redcups64 are you saying that those who are ok with leaving their babies in a childcare setting 'less maternal'?[/quote]
Yes, I'd like to know this too

As far as I’m concerned, it takes a village to raise a child.

I’ve only left DS overnight once (he’s 2) but more due to lack of opportunity and him being a shit sleeper for quite a long time (he’s great now but any change in routine throws him off). I’d have no issue leaving him with a babysitter for a few hours once he was asleep though! Various relatives and some friends have looked after him during the day. Like you, when he was tiny I used to hand him over for a couple of hours and go for a sleep and I started leaving him in the gym crèche when he was about 10 weeks old. I went back to work at 8.5 months.

We breastfed until he was 18 months and have a great bond FWIW.

I'm one of those who never leave my kids. They go to creche. My 3 year olds had 2 nights away from me. But I also never thought to judge people who do. I find all this endless judgment one of the most difficult things about having children- how you feed them, how you discipline them, how often you leave them....it's so tiresome and unnecessary. And mostly women judging other women. We just need to accept everyone parents differently (obv excepting neglect/abuse here) and support each other in that.

These women not leaving their babies, what about work?!
My son is 10 months old and I am returning to work next week. Are you suggesting women can't return to work or should feel guilty about it...we aren't all wanting to be SAHMs

@Redcups64 do you work?

Normally I don't judge but I hear women complaining how hard they are finding it, how tired they are, how much there is to do, etc. and their parents offers to look after the kids or their partners parents or even their partner/friends/,other relatives

''oh no my babies needs me they can't possibly live without me, you wont do it right'

Fine just stop complaining!!!

Be kind to yourself.
Everyone needs a break/ sleep/ time to breath.
As long as your baby is safe then don’t worry.
You are a wonderful mum

I don’t mind leaving DS but I actually worry more about what he’s going to be like rather than worry that he’s going to be ok. For example if he’s up at night and having my poor parents’ life 🤣 I worry that they won’t like him or that they’ll think I’m a crap parent for not having a perfect toddler.
It’s insane I know I know haha.

I think each to their own and I won’t judge
At all, it helps kids be independent and comfortable.

I do get a bit judgey about parents who don’t take their kids anywhere but galavant around doing what they want - what I mean by this is I know a couple who went on holiday 3 times last year (like actual holidays not just weekends away) and didn’t take their kids on any of them. I don’t understand why someone would do that. At least take them on one!!

When DD was a baby she had medical issues that meant I could only leave her with DH or the respite nurse who came once a week. So, I did find it difficult at first.

By the time she was ready for pre-school, and her medical issues had resolved I couldn’t wait to have some time for myself. When she started school I was happy for her because she was so ready. The only time I felt bad about leaving her was when she was going through a patch of crying when I left her at school when she had been there for a few months, but it soon resolved itself.

The one I really don’t understand (and this will really make me sound hard hearted) is the parents of 18 year olds and older who sob all summer at the thought of their adult children leaving home. I’m sorry, but they really need to get a grip. They should be congratulating themselves that they have raised an independent young adult and shouldn’t be guilt tripping them to ring home every 5 minutes.

DD had a gap year before going to university, and by the time it was over she was so ready to go, and I was so happy for her to go. Children aren’t possessions that we should cling on to. They are human beings that we love and cherish. I love my daughter to bits, but there is no way I wouldn’t want her to make her own way in life and be independent.

Who are these women that can’t bear to let their children go?

I once read on MN that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child. And that is so true. When DD is happy, then so am I, and when she isn't I worry about her all the time.