No control over 18 month old DD

[EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff]

I’m in desperate need of advice please!

I’m really starting to struggle with my 18 month old DD’s behaviour. I feel like I’m failing her as a mother because I just don’t seem to be able to control or discipline her, and at such a young age everybody thinks she’s naughty already. Everything ends in a huge tantrum and shrieking. She never listens or responds to any of my instructions. This is becoming especially difficult when we’re out and about, for example if I say “stop” she will just carry on running. I then have to run after her to make her stop, which she then finds funny. I’ve tried a lower tone/stern voice but again she just laughs at me.

If I say “no” to anything, again it’s an epic tantrum where she will throw herself on the floor. I now just ignore this. But when we’re in public it’s impossible to get her into her buggy as she just stiffens up like an ironing board. So I’m just left trying to hold her with flailing arms and legs, or put her down (which usually means she gets up and runs and we’re back to square one again!)

I try to be firm and consistent but I just can’t handle these public outbursts anymore. It’s so embarrassing as it’s EVERY time we go anywhere. I end up in tears by the end of each day as I feel like such a failure.

Please advise me where I’m going wrong and what I can do to nip this in the bud (if it’s not too late).

She’s just too young to respond to discipline from what I’ve read OP. My DS is 18 months too and exactly the same. I ignore tantrums too and consistently tell him not to do something he shouldn’t and redirect him to something else.

18 months old is very young, she isn’t naughty, she does sound frustrated though!

Firstly get some reins for out and about, you can’t expect an 18 month old to follow your instructions because as above she is tiny. Tantrums are normal, she is frustrated and that is how she can communicate that to you, mine either got picked up under my arm and carried or I left them to it on the floor and a couple of minutes later they got over it.

First, don't panic. 18 months is very young.

You are perhaps coming at this from the wrong side- your dd is too young to regulate her own behaviour. She can't really be 'good' or 'naughty'. Sometimes her behaviour works for you sometimes it doesn't, that's all. There's no intention there.

Your job is to create an environment where she can't do the wrong thing. So when it isn't safe for her to run around, she stays in her pushchair. When she's out and you want her to come to you, you call her to you and make a game out of it- not a chasing game- maybe she comes to you and you swing her up, smother her with kisses, cuddle her and tell her how lovely she is. So she learns to run to you for fun, rather than away from you.

Don't expect her to listen and do what she's told- that's a huge expectation. Just help her learn that with you things are fun and safe, so she wants to be with you.

Are that age distraction works well too.

Yes, distraction! Keep a few things- toys, snacks- that she doesn't usually have. When you need her to stop doing something, get the special thing out and play with it with her. Maybe something squeaky, or exciting in some way.

My D.C. always had my car keys at nappy change. No other time- so they stayed a bit interesting.

The best piece of advice I was given when mine were born (and they're in their 40s now) was that good behaviour starts at home. If your daughter behaves like this indoors then that needs to be tackled first as she needs to know that you're in charge. Decide on boundaries and outcomes and stick to them. Buy some reins and use them - tell her that if she holds your hand and doesn't run away you'll take them off and be prepared to put them back on. Start with short trips and praise and reward her after a successful outing. Eventually a stern look when you're out should suffice! Good luck.

For me this was the hardest age OP! Old enough to be 'naughty' but too young to discipline effectively. People talk about the terrible twos but for me this was worse. Don't give up. Ignore the tantrums and follow through every single time. Good luck!

Thank you all so so much. I think I’m probably expecting too much from her, but I have this constant worry that I’m doing everything wrong and I get so upset about it.

We had a tough first year and I had awful PND which I feel so much guilt over.

I’m definitely going to buy some reins!!

Honestly, you may not be doing anything wrong! It might just be a phase. My DD had a really bad phase around the 13-16 month mark, she didn't learn to walk til she was 16months and things improved after that. She went through another rougher patch like 24-26months too and now at 27 months she has calmed down a bit! I'm sure most of them do go through phases were they are just more tantrummy!

V relieved to hear you are getting reins, OP. Vital to stop your DD running into the road and being hit by a car. They have no sense of danger at that age, and are not amenable to reason!
Orherwise, there are no quick fixes, you just have to be calm and consistent. Try to give praise for good behaviour - “You walked very nicely with Mummy today, I was proud of you” “What a good girl you were in the shop” etc. It avoids life becoming a miserable litany of “Stop it, no, bad girl, wait til you get home” or whatever.
Try to keep talking to her, involve her in what you are doing, engage her interest, so she doesn’t get bored and restless. Out on the street, point out buses, dogs, things in shop windows. In a supermarket, chat about what you are buying for dinner, ask her about colours or names of vegetables, she will have less time to throw a strop!
The more you chat, the more her vocabulary grows, and the better able she becomes to articulate her wishes verbally rather than shrieking with frustration or having a tantrum. You are also modelling calm behaviour to her.
Finally, if all else fails, you could copy a brilliant mother I saw in Tesco. Her toddler was lying on the floor having a full on screaming tantrum. The mother lay down beside her and screamed too, arms flailing. The toddler stared in stunned silence, then burst out laughing! Mother picked her up and continued shopping, both chuckling happily!

18 month olds are little terrors! You aren’t doing anything wrong. Xxx

Oh goodness, OP. You are absolutely not doing anything wrong!

Neither is your DD, who is not being naughty. She's just doing what lots of 18 month olds do.

The first thing that came to my mind when I read your post was "reins". I was implacably opposed to them until I had a bolter and lived near a main road. I know some small children can also turn reins into a battleground - but that's where bribery and corruption can come in handy.

I also second distractions. I used to have a couple of small toys when my DC were toddlers; they only ever came out when I really, really needed them to. Even things like those 'fortune telling fish' that you get in Christmas crackers can be handy for this.

I also remember the 'ironing board' thing (one of mine was absolutely horrendous about this). I can't for the life of me remember what I did, but it passed eventually.

One thing I do remember, though (it was a long time ago) was that the more exercise they had, the better. And it was always, always a mistake to think I could just "nip to the shops", because that was a recipe for stress all round. It was always more successful if I assumed it was going to take four hours to walk half a mile.

Thank you everyone, you’ve all made me feel so much better and more positive!

I absolutely love the idea of laying down on the floor and having my own tantrum 😂 (I must say I often feel very close to doing this!!)

PS I have RTFT, so have no idea why I didn't see that you have already said yes to reins!

Aeons ago, there was a mother on MN whose small child had been killed by a car. I am pretty sure she campaigned for the use of reins afterwards. I am sorry to say I can't remember who it was, though.

She is a completely normal 18 month old and you are doing just fine! Just keep with the getting down to her level, getting eye contact and saying a firm "No", she'll get it. And definitely use reins when out and about and lots and lots of distractions/bribes, a very wise person once asked me if I would go to work for no pay, I replied no and he asked me why a child should 'work' (aka learn to tow the line) for no reward? I found that the use of a reward/bribe for getting in the buggy etc didn't last forever especially if after a while you start waiting for them to ask for the reward.

I'm sorry to hijack but any recommendations on reigns? Are the backpacks better?

Sorry long day reins **

Discipline won't work until atleast 3 years old, they simply aren't developed enough to understand the cause and effect of their actions.

You can't control them, but you can control the environment they are in, reins is a great idea, we used those rucksacks that had a handle they were great as they got older for if we were visiting very busy places. Distraction is essential especially in the supermarket, can you print out and laminate pictures of common foods you buy and give then to your DC as a shopping list for them to find.

Stiff as a board and screaming was a common occurance whenever I put Dd in the buggy at that age, I didn't drive so there really wasn't an alternative. I used to bribe her with food.

Everything @picklemewalnuts said. She has it bang on the money.

Just keep being consistent, redirect and distract and ignore the tantrum. She's so small OP they just don't get it at that age! You're doing fine and she isn't naughty, they just have big emotions and feelings that they can't regulate at that age, it will pass! X

You’ve all helped so much, thank you! I was feeling like such a useless mother but now I feel very positive.

I don’t think it helps that my sisters daughter (who is only one month older than DD) has always been as good as gold, holding hands when asked and stopping when told to. I can’t help but compare 🙁

At 18m my son went through a nightmare stage too! I found a lot of it was due to frustration of not being able to speak so he couldn't say what he wanted and ended up in a tantrum/meltdown instead. We started time out step from 2.5 but I felt 18m was too young and mainly used distraction as a method to avoid. I still made sure to explain why something wasn't ok after it had been redirected especially if unsafe but no idea if any of it was taken in. This was a fairly short phase though so try not to get too disheartened.

@EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff

Thank you all so so much. I think I’m probably expecting too much from her, but I have this constant worry that I’m doing everything wrong and I get so upset about it.

We had a tough first year and I had awful PND which I feel so much guilt over.

I’m definitely going to buy some reins!!

OP, the very last thing you should be feeling guilty about is having had PND.

I had a very bad time after DC1 was born, and felt in a complete muddle of guilt and failure - not helped by him being incredibly difficult. Funnily, though, he was a dream teenager and is now a lovely young man, and was have an excellent relationship.

My other DC were dream small children and are ... challenging teenagers.

I think most parents feel as if they're doing everything wrong at some point before their children turn 18. But on the whole, if they're bothered enough to worry about it, they're probably doing it mostly right.

OP if I see a mother in a shopping centre with a child screaming on the floor all I think is “yep been there”...no judgement whatsoever - ignore everyone else around you!
18 months is too young to see discipline methods work, keep saying no etc but on the whole at that age it’s distraction techniques.

Have you tried using "stop" rather than no? Put her hands out while you do it like you're stopping a car for the visual as well. Works for some!