No control over 18 month old DD

[EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff]

I’m in desperate need of advice please!

I’m really starting to struggle with my 18 month old DD’s behaviour. I feel like I’m failing her as a mother because I just don’t seem to be able to control or discipline her, and at such a young age everybody thinks she’s naughty already. Everything ends in a huge tantrum and shrieking. She never listens or responds to any of my instructions. This is becoming especially difficult when we’re out and about, for example if I say “stop” she will just carry on running. I then have to run after her to make her stop, which she then finds funny. I’ve tried a lower tone/stern voice but again she just laughs at me.

If I say “no” to anything, again it’s an epic tantrum where she will throw herself on the floor. I now just ignore this. But when we’re in public it’s impossible to get her into her buggy as she just stiffens up like an ironing board. So I’m just left trying to hold her with flailing arms and legs, or put her down (which usually means she gets up and runs and we’re back to square one again!)

I try to be firm and consistent but I just can’t handle these public outbursts anymore. It’s so embarrassing as it’s EVERY time we go anywhere. I end up in tears by the end of each day as I feel like such a failure.

Please advise me where I’m going wrong and what I can do to nip this in the bud (if it’s not too late).

I was going to say the Stop thing but PP got there first. One of my DCs Would Stop at 'no' but his sibling would only answer to 'stop' and saw no as more like an amber warning and stop as the red light IYSWIM

I also found using my whole body to say no helped, like a really exaggerated theatrical no or stop, a very stern voice etc. I used to make other kids stop and some adults too but it worked

Very young children don't hear "no" or "don't" but do hear the end part of the instruction, it's to do with their processing ability and multistep instructions. So when you say "don't run!" they hear "run". It's worth adapting your language so you are giving them the positive instruction "walk" instead of "don't run", "talk quietly/indoor voice" instead of "stop shouting" use "kind hands" instead of "don't hit" and use positive enforcement when you catch them doing the action without prompts "You are walking so nicely today, that makes mummy happy". Make sure they know what you want, young children want to please their care giver and positive attention is so much better than negative, some things that are very obvious to us are completely alien to them.

It’s a rough age. My DS went through a phase of massive tantrums at 18 months. It was mostly frustration through lack of communication. It got a bit better when he had a language burst and started to be able to say more. Then we had a few months of calm.... then we had second phase of tantrums just past 2 years old! He still has the odd tantrum now, at nearly 3, but nothing like those at 18 months.

I agree an 18 month old doesn’t really have the comprehension or self control to “behave” all the time, but it’s a good time to keep repeating clear messages that are important. I would hold his hands and look him in the eye. We do not hit, no running by roads, etc. Then let him go, as I didn’t expect much to change afterward at that age. Just keep consistent in your messages and they’ll go in eventually.