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Original poster

Is it me or my in-laws

39 replies

Snowqueen2014 · 03/10/2020 09:43

Hi
I just need some advice. I gave birth 8 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy after 10 years of IVF and 2 miscarriages. Since my little one has been born there seems to be constant arguments between me bad my husband as his mum and dad feel like they are not par of his life.
When he was first born we said come when you like after a few days they called a family meeting saying this wasn’t working for them as they never knew when to come or if he would be awake, so we changed it to text us before you come and we will let you know if this is convenient e.g that we weren’t going back to bed after a rough night.
They then said this wasn’t working as I wasn’t in everyday or wanting them to come round. So I suggested that on a Sunday to text me so I could let them know what days we would be home and then could plan days out etc when we were busy. This has now caused an argument as they feel they need to make an appointment and not have spontaneous visit. Please help I don’t know what to do and it is making me so miserable.

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 03/10/2020 09:47

Spin it around on them and ask them what would work for them.... an fixed time or spontaneous. At the moment from that it doesn't seem like anything works!

As to they don't know when he'd be awake.... err... do they remember what a newborn is like? Even the age he is now there's no guarantee a baby would be awake at a set time

Original poster
Snowqueen2014 · 03/10/2020 09:51

To be fair their latest one is two set days a week and then they also want spontaneous visits as well as they want to see him everyday I just find it all a bit much and would like some days on my own🙁

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 03/10/2020 09:52

Cuddling a sleeping baby is a thing of joy. Honestly, you are not going to win so pick what suits you.

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EL8888 · 03/10/2020 09:53

They sound demanding and hard work. I would set my stall out now. Your husband needs to have your back and support you. Who cares if it doesn’t work for them, they haven’t got a young baby Confused

Weenurse · 03/10/2020 09:53

What are they wanting, for you to produce a happy, awake baby on demand?
Ask them exactly what they want and then see if it actually fits into your life.
Actually get DP to do this, as it is their parents.

PrayingandHoping · 03/10/2020 09:55

@Snowqueen2014

To be fair their latest one is two set days a week and then they also want spontaneous visits as well as they want to see him everyday I just find it all a bit much and would like some days on my own🙁
That's way too much.... everyday??

Once a week would be tops for me. I don't have family that lives local (wish I did!) but I would feel suffocated if it was that much and would never be able to make plans to do anything else!

NataliaOsipova · 03/10/2020 09:55

Who cares if it doesn’t work for them, they haven’t got a young baby

My thoughts exactly! They need to fit in with you and your baby. Your DH needs to explain this to them....

EnjoyingTheSilence · 03/10/2020 09:57

Can you put a sign on the door saying ‘new mum and baby sleeping please do not disturb‘ when baby is sleeping.

Also say fine, turn up whenever you want but remind them you might not be in, the baby might be asleep, it might not be convenient so ask them. It to be offended if you end up having to turn them away.

Btw, it’s definitely them not you

Sittin · 03/10/2020 10:00

Don’t engage with these discussions. Definitely don’t ask what they want! Just say eg ‘would you like to come for the afternoon in Wednesday’ , if they so no, that doesn’t work then say ‘ok, that’s a shame, what about next wednesday?.’ ie they’ll have to wait longer.
Do not give reasons, just say ‘sorry we can’t’ if the time doesn’t suit you. If you give reasons it gives them something to argue with ... but we’d just be quick etc.

Sittin · 03/10/2020 10:01

It’s them btw!

Sandcastles55 · 03/10/2020 10:02

This sounds unbearable. Even if my in-laws lived around the corner I wouldn’t want to be seeing them more often than weekly at absolute tops! Let alone unannounced visits from them..! I’d show your DH this thread and get him to put his foot down.

They’re making this precious time period all about them and their demands, and probably taking up a lot of your sleep-deprived head space by the sound of it. They sound like a nightmare.

twinsbelly · 03/10/2020 10:03

There is no need to see them every day if you don't want to!
Explain to your dh you need time on your own with your baby, this is important for you, and there needs to be some boundaries in place with his parents and he needs to put them there. I would suggest having two planned visits a week (maximum) at times you know when it's going to happen, one of which when dh is around as well. Then the rest of your week is yours to do as you choose.
If you don't put the boundaries in now it will be so much harder to do in future. I would have hated to be on standby for visits from in laws every single day with my tiny baby.

Original poster
Snowqueen2014 · 03/10/2020 10:03

Thanks everyone. I keep saying they should fit in with us and they just tell me that they are old and won’t be here for ever. My mum comes every Saturday for a couple of hours and then once every other week so I can have a bath as my husband works shifts.
It’s starting to make quite sad

OP posts:
twinsbelly · 03/10/2020 10:04

Also - if it were me I would be saying once a week and with dh present...

PrayingandHoping · 03/10/2020 10:07

They sound manipulative....

It's not normal for grandparents to see grandkids every day!

They are making this time all about them and it really isn't

Enjoy your baby. Put your foot down and see them twice a week if you are happy with that.

Mischance · 03/10/2020 10:08

They sound a bit nuts really - calling a family meeting! Raising problems whatever you suggest! Goodness they are hard work! I do not know what you can do about it - but I do know that you should not let this disturb your enjoyment of your long-awaited bundle of joy!!

Out them to one tiny corner of your mind and just enjoy!!!

Mischance · 03/10/2020 10:08

Put!

nibdedibble · 03/10/2020 10:09

Op, sorry you have to deal with this when you have an 8-wk old.

First, get your dh to deal with it, and if he dithers, tell him it’s not good enough. You are exhausted and emotionally not the same as before. This sort of shit leads to PND.

Second, the pair of you need to nip this in the bud. It will go on, in various guises, for absolutely ever otherwise. He needs to be telling them to get a grip, stop being needy, and to do something positive for you. Tell them it’s not a threat but this is getting to be too much and can’t go on, they are not mardy teenagers!

You stop worrying; get him to worry. And enjoy the baby!!

Sandcastles55 · 03/10/2020 10:09

They’re being emotionally manipulative and your DH has probably had a lifetime of it so will struggle with putting down a boundary. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t have to happen though. I suffered similar for the first 8 months of my DDs life and very nearly split up with my DH because of the resentment it caused and still now I don’t really see my in-laws. They absolutely tried to dominate what should have been a happy and carefree period in our lives. Take it very seriously.

YourHandInMyHand · 03/10/2020 10:12

They're being way too demanding and manipulative.

I'd offer them similar to your mum. A once a week slot and a once a fortnight slot. Maybe even just once a week as they sound hard bloody work.

Don't entertain "discussions" about what works for them and what they want. It's not about them!!

Set your stall and put boundaries in place now, otherwise they will try ride over your wishes for years.

TomNookTheHustler · 03/10/2020 10:13

Read Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward, it'll give you some good ideas as to how to work with your DH to keep them at bay.

As for 'won't be around forever', they could be around for the next 30 years so a hard no to that emotionally abusive bollocks!

Mintjulia · 03/10/2020 10:17

It's definitely your PILs. They have made no allowance whatsoever that you are a new mum trying to learn, bond and establish a routine. Every day visiting is far too often.

Choose what suits you, maybe twice a week. Choose a session either at the end of the day, or before nap time, so it cannot over run. Perhaps 10-12 or 3-5 and stick to it.

This is your baby. It is your decision.

HattonsMustard · 03/10/2020 10:31

Why don't you turn this around and visit them with spontaneous visits?

That way you decide when you arrive that is convenient for you and you also get to leave when you want too.

Your Dh needs to tell his parents to back the fuck off, you will see them when you want and not on their schedule. Babies don't stick to schedules.

He could phrase it like we know that you want to see the baby but the way you are going about it means we will just reduce contact as it is stressful.

My PIL have always wanted to be treated as "guests" in our home which after having a baby was hard work. They would never make themselves a cup of tea even when told they can. My Mum on the other hand would come over, make herself, Dh and myself a drink and ask if there was anything she could do which included not judging me for having a dirty cup next to me, she would do laundry, tidy, hoover, anything.

I also still had a key to my parents' house even after they downsized, ie not the house I grew up in, I would let myself in, as my Mum did with my house. She never turned up uninvited though, I knew exactly when she was coming.

picosandsancerre · 03/10/2020 10:36

Don't let this get you down. Your mum is an example of someone who is reasonable your ILs are not. There wants and needs dont trump your own. If anything I would reduce the contact and perhaps invite them round for Sunday lunch every other weekend and maybe a visit once during the week. Wouldn't be having my early days with my new baby destroyed by there demands

Beamur · 03/10/2020 10:42

Daily visits! Ye god's, no way.
Set a time on a regular slot when DH is home too. They can visit regardless of the baby being awake or not.
Can you go to theirs? Maybe agree to do that once a week too if that suits.
If it's convenient, time their visit between feeds so that your baby is almost certainly going to be awake when a feed is due. If you're happy with them being there (depending on how you are feeding) they can either go then or after, when baby will be sleepy.