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Original poster

Is it me or my in-laws

39 replies

Snowqueen2014 · 03/10/2020 09:43

Hi
I just need some advice. I gave birth 8 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy after 10 years of IVF and 2 miscarriages. Since my little one has been born there seems to be constant arguments between me bad my husband as his mum and dad feel like they are not par of his life.
When he was first born we said come when you like after a few days they called a family meeting saying this wasn’t working for them as they never knew when to come or if he would be awake, so we changed it to text us before you come and we will let you know if this is convenient e.g that we weren’t going back to bed after a rough night.
They then said this wasn’t working as I wasn’t in everyday or wanting them to come round. So I suggested that on a Sunday to text me so I could let them know what days we would be home and then could plan days out etc when we were busy. This has now caused an argument as they feel they need to make an appointment and not have spontaneous visit. Please help I don’t know what to do and it is making me so miserable.

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 03/10/2020 10:43

They are old and won't be here for ever

How old are they exactly? Are they crippled with life-limiting health conditions or are they actually normal people in their 60s who are fit and well by and chance who are just coming out with some sort of emotional top trumps statement?

MsTSwift · 03/10/2020 10:53

Even without a new baby I would feel on edge if I knew people were going to drop in unannounced at any point. Really not on.

You do what suits you you are the one with a newborn. Their whims are very very low priority. My in laws were bloody awful they came to stay when I got out of hospital and acted as if it was business as usual munching through all our pre made meals for the newborn stage and not lifting a finger to help despite being fit as fiddle recently retired and mil an excellent cook.

angstridden2 · 03/10/2020 10:57

MIL here. They’re really out of line. I would never ‘just drop in’ on my DIL, especially In the early days of motherhood. I still text to see if it works for her if I’ m in the area. I don’t expect to be treated as a guest, I made tea and food for everyone if she was feeding and still do if she’s busy. I know it’s not always fashionable to say it, but you’re their DIL, it really isn’t quite like your mum and MILs have to extend the same consideration to you as they would to anyone else.

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WheresTheEvidence · 03/10/2020 11:03

I have this with my sister, she says I'm welcome anytime but if I give her a window of dates then I get "ill get back to you we might be busy" and don't hear anything.

I dont want to intrude so hope they can give me dates and times that are suitable and don't want to pressure them. Especially as its a suitable distance away that I'd need to plan accommodation to stay overnight. Then I get photos on Facebook of her friends saying the baby is spending lots if lovely time with their favourite aunties (Sisters friends who live locally and can pop round at the drop of a hat)

As someone who wants to visit a baby I would like clear times/days that are suitable to the mum as I dont want l be a bother.

DarkMintChocolate · 03/10/2020 11:07

As a grandparent, we usually invited DS, DDIL and baby over for Sunday lunch once a fortnight, so they didn’t have to cook, wash up, etc. They could just sit there and have a chat, while we were doing the work. Then, we’d offer them the use of his old bedroom for a nap in the afternoon, while we looked after the baby. We were also happy to babysit if they left us some milk for the baby. DDIL is from another country, and we are conscious her DM can’t give the practical support, after the birth.

I’d also text DDIL once a week,, to ask if I could come over one morning/afternoon to see her and the baby. I was happy to make the tea, or cook their dinner, while she fed the baby.

Would something like that, work better for you OP?

022828MAN · 03/10/2020 11:07

Fuck this for a lark OP. Set your boundaries NOW or they will forever be looming over you with their incessant demands. I had similar issues with MIL and we set things straight quickly - please do the same for your own sanity and freedom!

seayork2020 · 03/10/2020 11:10

My inlaws were welcome anytime they wanted to come over, sure if they were 24/7 we would have had to say something but my son ate and slept and had a nappy change, there was not much we were doing that could not be done with them there

My side was overseas

picosandsancerre · 03/10/2020 11:28

seayork2020 and your point is? The OP doesnt want them round everyday, her DH is not there and she is finding there demands overwhelming. Just because you didnt mind is missing the point of the thread.

EnglishRain · 03/10/2020 11:29

I was hoping I would feel in the same boat as you but in actual fact your ILs are terrible! DH needs to sort himself out and back you up. That's a lot of visiting.

I didn't have an issue with my ILs before being a mum. But my baby is 11 weeks old (also after a journey of infertility) and I just can't bear them at the minute. I'm hoping it's hormones and things will settle down. I swear babies bring out the worst in people. I hate how fickle people can be because of a new baby. If they didn't bother talking or meeting up before they can jog on.

DeciduousPerennial · 03/10/2020 11:31

They want to come every day?! They do know he’s not a doll to play with?

Stop bending over backwards to accommodate their ever-changing demands (whatever you say will never be good enough unless and until you guarantee 100% open access to a permanently awake, happy baby) and just tell them what’s happening. And make it something that matches what happens with your mum in terms of frequency so there can be no accusations of favouritism - make that work in your favour by playing the “we must make sure that all grandparent relationships are fair and equal” card.

And then tell your husband to stop putting you in the middle of all of this! They’re his parents. He needs to deal with them!

seayork2020 · 03/10/2020 11:34

My point was it is simpler to let them visit their grandchild, but if the 'i will text you when I am allowing visiting hours' back and forth busy/free thing works like making arrangements like the Queen is working then stick with that.

I just wanted simpler things when I had ds

EL8888 · 03/10/2020 23:44

@seayork2020 every day?! I want no one in this world to visit me every day. Especially those people trying to control and manipulate me

katy1213 · 03/10/2020 23:52

It doesn't need to work for them if it works for you. If they don't like it, say you'll try to see them for an hour over Christmas.

Choux · 04/10/2020 01:04

With an 8 wk old surely your bonding with him, trying to figure out a routine and getting used to being a mum should be your priorities. Not pandering to demanding grandparents.

Any chance your area might be getting some Covid extra restrictions soon so visitors to your home will be banned?

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