Why do I get so angry with my baby at night

[JKDcot]

Feeling so frustrated my 4 month old has never been a great sleeper but now it’s taking ages to get him back to sleep after a feed. I just feel so fed up I can’t get any sleep myself and then end up getting angry with him. I know it’s not his fault but I get so wound up that when he’s finally asleep I can’t switch off.

Any tips. I have considered letting him cry it out but know it will never actually send him to sleep will just wind the both of us up more. Help

When he has had his feed and you have winded him, why can't you just put him back down ?

You're sleep deprived so your emotional regulation isn't as good as it would normally be. Do you have any help? A partner who can take the baby and give you a break? Call in the cavalry if you're getting angry. If you don't, it is better to leave him in a safe space and take a break than let yourself get to the point where you're getting upset.

It's because you're tired. Tiredness begets anger. You might be in the grip of the four month sleep regression- developmentally normal but such a pain in the backside! Can you do it in shifts with anyone? Crying it out isn't recommended at this age (tbh I wouldn't recommend it at any age).

What’s his sleep like during the day?

The 4 month sleep regression is brutal isn't it. I've just hit that point with DC3. I was really angry with no 1 and finding it pretty trying with no 3. Nno2 was a baby yoy could plonk down and walk away but that was pure luck. I used to just tell myself a combination of things like this too shall pass and it isn't his fault and he's just a small baby, my job is to help him learn to sleep etc. It feels endless though. Being on my phone doesn't help with the wakefulness but it means I don't fall asleep holding him so catch 22. When I do need to get to sleep I just try to lie with my eyes closed. If I'm cross I think of all the lovely smiles I get or try to think about something totally unrelated.
Everything I've read is that sleep training in the form of CIO isn't recommended under 6 months. I'm sure someone will be along to disagree. I plan to follow what I've done before and try to get him to fall asleep in cot whilst I sit with him. But not crying loads. Eventually he will get there but I'm figuring it will take a while.

He actually naps quite well during the day. It’s just night time he can’t seem to settle
@Anordinarymum I can’t put him down after a feed as he’s awake and just cries

My husband does help and we take it in turns but it’s just so frustrating and I feel like I dread every night

@JKDcot

He actually naps quite well during the day. It’s just night time he can’t seem to settle *@Anordinarymum* I can’t put him down after a feed as he’s awake and just cries

My husband does help and we take it in turns but it’s just so frustrating and I feel like I dread every night

Is there a chance he might have colic ?

My first baby was like this. I never thought there was anything wrong, I just thought it was me doing something wrong. He cried for a long time and eventually fell asleep but not until we were demoralised.

That's great you have your DH.

What's your tolerance for frustration like normally? I used the headspace app a fair bit and some of the exercises like noticing your thoughts, deep breaths etc help when I'm getting wound up.

Also around 4 months as many PPs have mentioned is a sleep regression.

Could it be related to his feeds? No silent reflux, allergies etc?

Sucky as it is, OP, you've got to get more sleep. I think at that age I went to bed around 6 p.m., DH was on duty until midnight, then it was my turn until 6 a.m. Six hours of sleep is the minimum your body can function properly on.

I'm not sure if this would be your thing but during this stage I started listening to podcasts and audiobooks. Just lie back, eyes closed, with headphones in and a sleep timer. It really helps me wind down and usually drift off within 30 minutes.

This will pass and things will get easier. Try to get more sleep for yourself too.

Am currently lying on DD2 floor after 2 hrs of nonsense and finally managed to pat her to sleep (I’m attempting to not pick her up in the hopes she will self soothe, which takes hours becuase she screams like a banshee and goes mental).

She is almost 16 months. She has slept through 4 times in 16 months.

Most nights she still wakes at least once. She’s not hungry. She’s not in pain (I rub anbesol on her gums anyway in case it’s teething). She’s not ill. She’s just a fucking TERRIBLE sleeper.

Nothing that worked for DD1 works for this kid. She’s happy as can be in the day so she’s not even ‘sleep deprived’ herself, somehow. She’s just a sodding nightmare at night. It’s like her brain just won’t switch off and/or she doesn’t need as much sleep and/or she is just a very clingy baby.

In my more severely exhausted moments (my baseline is exhausted, so I’m talking, please kill me moments). I have actually shouted at her. I hate myself for it. I’m like WHAT DO YOU WANNNNNTTTTT FROM MEEEE?!!! Like an insane person. She wants mummy. I know that. But mummy wants to die most nights and lots of days too. Mummy is still 20lbs overweight because sleep deprivation. Mummy has had sex ONCE - ONCE - in 16 months because sleep deprivation and sleeping in separate rooms. Mummy can’t be arsed to make conversation with anyone and is a social pariah. Mummy spent 8 years building a business and now can’t even look at her emails without going cross eyed. Mummy’s lost her entire everything.

Sleep deprivation literally ruins your life. It’s not their fault. But without them your life would be better in pretty much every single way. So yeah. You’re allowed to get fucking angry.

Ps in the time it took me to write this she’s woken up AGAIN.

Fml.

(Sorry to hijack. 4 months is A SHITTER. I feel your pain)

Oh bless you @HeartShapedBox4. Have you considered just co sleeping with her? When DD was that age she'd come into our bed with us around midnight and she would generally sleep until get up time then. We got her a proper bed at eighteen months and she's slept in there ever since, sleeps through or with only one wake up most nights.

Sleep deprivation makes people wild. I felt like another person, although I went weepy and weak rather than angry.

But also perhaps on some level you think you baby should sleep through? Unfortunately many don't. I watched a relative battle their baby for six months, I was just thinking wtf are you doing?

Could you accept the waking will happen tomorrow night and amend your own sleep times just to get sleep? I used to go to bed about 1 minute after mine had fallen asleep.

@FourPlasticRings ahh yeah. Totally. Co slept as long as we could for survival but she started walking at 10 months and since then it’s game over. She just stands up in the bed and tries to walk off it. Just wasn’t safe. Even this week I’ve tried co sleeping and she just thinks it’s party time. Starts singing and picking my nose and poking my face and running through her repetoire of words/phrases. (Side note, she speaks in sentences already. Don’t remember DD1 singing recognisable lyrics note perfect at 15.5 months, or communicating so well. So maybe her brain really is just really running at 100mph).

Anyway I feel really guilty now that I’ve hijacked OP thread.

Op I’m so sorry. 💐 if it’s any consolation, I will feel overly ashamed of hijacking your thread for days. because sleep deprivation.

It’s not ok to be angry with your baby. Your sleep deprivation is a serious issue. If you think you’re losing control of your emotions you need to change this situation. Can you get a night nanny for a couple of nights a week so you can catch up on sleep.

So I see you're getting all the nice replies here but - when you say you get angry with the baby, what form does is take? Shouting? Rough handling? Or just feeling angry internally and not acting on it? Swearing? Making a fist? What is it?

If you're shouting at the baby, or otherwise outwardly showing anger, you need to have your husband do the nights until you have got it under control. This is not normal or ok.

Everything is a phase and this phase will also pass (the sleepless phase I mean). But please, seek help in real life for your anger for your sake and that of your baby.

heartshapedbox4
I feel your pain.
It's 44 years since I had one of those but I remember it so well.
Me and DH are awake (old gimmers needing a wee) and I read your post to him.
Safe to say that he remembers those days/months sometimes years of baby nonsense.
He seems to be still traumatised as he's gone to make a pot of tea at this stupid o'clock. .
We'll be seeing the 'child' responsible for this later and will get her to read your. and OP's post.
Thank goodness her younger brother was an amazing sleeper but it did take us 6 years to pluck up the courage to have him.
Best wishes from the family Maras.x

@HeartShapedBox4 just FYI 16 month olds generally speaking cannot self soothe, their brains are not mature enough to regulate in that way. The ones who do aren't self soothing, they're either naturally inclined that way or they have just give up cos no one ever comes. Sounds like you're doing your best in a very tough sitch, but it may help to let go of this idea that she's old enough to manage her sleep as she likely just isn't

Mine didn't sleep through til 18 months. What worked for me was when she woke up prior to 18 months was putting her back to sleep in same way I put her to sleep at start of the night, for each wake up. Same room, same noises, same everything. No chatting, darkness, rocking her in the chair. And yes sometimes we fell asleep that way through til morning (she was over 1 at this stage so no risk of anything). And tbh, she did it much better for dad as he was more boring than me. Good luck!!

@maras2 thank you for counteracting the idiotic, unsympathetic and shaming bullshit of the two PPs who have presumably never experienced the fog of sleep torture.

As you know well, our limits get pushed and stretched beyond what we ever thought we could handle. My DD2 is the most loved, happy, funny, wonderful little girl who has been rocked and cuddled to sleep about 7500 times and had her exhausted mummy raise her voice at her twice in utter moments of desperation, when, in agony with a lumbar spine spasm caused by not ever lying down to rest for more than 3 hrs at a time and constantly picking up and rocking a 28lb toddler, I couldn’t see through the fog. And then immediately cuddled and rocked to sleep again.

So yeah, PPs, I know I’m not normal. I’m fucking superhuman. 🙌😊

@arcof I’m literally sleeping in her floor holding her tiny hand through her cot, because I can’t cosleeping with her safely in a bed anymore as she walks off and/or I don’t feel safe doing it as I’m SO tired. I’ve not expected her to sleep through at all. It’s just really fucking SHIT.

And FYI, DD1 did sleep through at 6 months.

All babies are different. Some sleep. Some don’t. When they don’t it’s really fucking hard. And we are allowed to be angry about that. Doesn’t mean we aren’t also really loving and attentive and self sacrificing, strong mothers. 👍

heart
Ah, take no notice of the sanctimonious 'never got cross with my child' lot.
Some folk have selective memories.
Not me though, I think I need another just to calm down enough to get back to sleep.
I wish you and your baby all the best.

I used to count as I stroked DD's head. Still took a while but somehow the counting stopped me getting so frustrated!

Op we are in the same boat here. I understand your frustration

I don’t understand how I can even do some of these reply’s.
Just put down after a feed? How? Mine if he’s awake after feed overnight will just scream if I did this. He either needs feeding to sleep, or dh or I rocking him or sometimes now can stroke his face in cot until he sleeps

Going to sleep early? Well I have been putting him in cot around 8.30pm and sleeping myself after, but he still wakes to feed so it doesn’t hugely help. Yesterday he fed at 5pm, 6.30pm, 7.30pm, 8.30pm, 11pm, 2.30am, 4.30am, 6am. So I can’t just leave him with dh between say 6pm-midnight as he needs feeding.

He’s 5 months and the last 8 weeks sleep has just got worse. Until about 14weeks he only woke 1-2 times a night. Now he wakes a lot, and is feeding every 1-2 hrs daytime as well. Each time he wakes he is taking a proper feed so is hungry, it’s rare he can be resettled without another feed.
I have just started giving him some solids 2 days ago.

It's the sleep deprivation, not you - but I know that doesn't help much. I really remember this (and yes, I did shout a couple of times, which I still feel awful about) and the absolute rage I sometimes felt. By contrast, we're now in the middle of toddler tantrums and unreasonableness and while I sometimes get a bit frustrated I never feel that genuine white-hot anger, ever, and I never outwardly lose my cool - because now I sleep and nothing is as bad if you sleep.

It was a major reason that we did (gentle) sleep training at eight months, the sleep issues had by that point started to make me depressed and were affecting our bond. However, yours is still too little for that so it's about getting through for a while. It is so hard - I found going to bed super early sort of helped, but also made me feel so lonely and was so depressing in itself. When you say you take it in turns what does that mean? If you're doing it wake-up by wake-up I'd definitely suggest trying shifts instead - it's much easier if you know that you've definitely got at least at until midnight, say (and better still if you know you're now off-duty, even if it is 2am!) than waiting for the next wake-up and not knowing when it's coming. That was the bit I found so hard, the interrupted sleep and the total lack of control.