A long question about adoption...

[Chandra]

I'm not sure if this thread should be under this topic but hope somebody can come with some suggestions.

DS conception, pregnancy and first year have been a hormonal rollercoaster that have had some very negative effects on my well being. Don't take me wrong, I love my child and really enjoy his company but going through the fertility treatment was like going back to be a teenager, the hormonal changes during pregnancy made me an emotional wreck and though I was very happy with DS, I had a bad time with PND which, after almost 2 yrs, is just beggining to clear up.

We are afraid that having a second go at pregnancy may have more permanent negative effects on my "mental health" for the sole hormonal issue, and have started to consider the possibility of adoption.

We understand it is not an easy process as we do understand that children come with some problems that are in many occasions not easy to solve. We also know that our possibilities of getting a toddler are almost unexistant. But as we would like DS and prospective sibbling to be of a similar age we were considering to adopt a 3-5 yrs old by the time DS is 4 (in 2.5 yrs time), is it a good idea to start the adoption process in a couple of months? or is it better to wait a bit longer? DH and I are from a Mediterranean-Latinamerican background which I believe reduces our possibilities to find a suitable child (for the simple reason that we don't expect there would be many children available in England with such a cultural background mix mix, and even though we would happily accept a child of any cultural background, we know that this is not for us to decide)

Can anybody out there offer any advice?

Thanks in advance.

Moi

Start going through the process now as there is a very long waiting list. My 2 brothers are adopted and there is no question that we are all family and they have never been treated any differently or viewed any differently. In fact I get very narked when people say that they are not my 'real' brothers. Neither of my brothers have expressed an interest in their 'real' families, but my mother has always been very open about where they come from.

As for the cultural side of things, back in the 70's when my brothers were adopted, it wasn't an issue and one of my brothers is half African and the other is half Asian. It hasn't made a blind bit of difference though as far as I can see. I don't know what the rules are now.

So I can only advise on personal grounds, but I think parents and children alike have a lot to gain from adoption. I wish you a lot of luck.

No?

oops crossposted! I'll read your message and be back in a sec. Thanks Rhubarb.

Chandra, I wrote an article about adoption a couple of months ago which might have useful information in it. Email me if you would like a copy of the original. I also talked to a couple of MNers for it. I'd say get onto the process now; and yes, you would almost certainly be ethnically matched to the prospective child.

friend adopted a little girl from eastern european background, it was thought at first she had v mild cerebral palsy, but she doesn't. 18 mths is the average age to adopt even if child offered at birth, because of all bureaucracy and time given to birth mother to change her mind if she wants. my friend is delighted with their outcome, but feels in mid 40s she's too old to go through it all again (!)

Thanks Rhubarb, from what I have seen Social Services now pay special attention to match the cultural backgrounds of adopters and adoptees, but as I said, we would welcome any child. Actually, we are considering the idea of adopting a child from my country but being evaluated long distance seems like a more daunting task than being evaluated from the Social Services of the country we live in. Did your parents adopted throug an English agency or was a direct adoption from abroad?

Chandra, have you thought about adopting from overseas? I believe the process is just as long winded now and you have the same checks etc but there are obviously some countries where children would have your 'latin' looks and you are more than likely to get a child of similar age or younger. If it were me I would start the process now as it takes along time. Friends of mine are just about to adopt a little girl who's has just turned 6. It's taken them 4 1/2 years to get to this stage. hth

Nope, from this country. I have friends who have adopted children from China, although my own personal opinion is that these children are better off adopted in their own countries if at all possible. Plus there is a clatter of rich people wanting the latest Oriental child as a kind of fashion accessory. Have you thought about fostering first? It might move you higher up the waiting list and will prepare you for the kind of problems you might face with an adopted child.

Motherinferior, thank you, that would be very helpful, I have had problems with CAT in the past but if you can e-mail a copy to "noiapontefract at hotmail dot com" I would be very grateful.

Bundle. We have some friend who adopted a Russian girl and others who adopted a Rumanian, they have had very different experiences, unfortunately in the case of the Rumanian boy the bureocratic process was 3 yrs long (and the boy spend so much time in a cot with no interaction at his former orphanage and having various special needs that unfortunately resulted in severe disabilities). How long was the process for your friend?

Delgirl, you have convinced me know, 4.5 yrs its a long time, better to start asap then.

sorry, was a bit vague - they adopted in this country, the mother was v young and came here when she was pregnant and claimed refugee status i think. the baby was prem and i think she couldn't bear the thought of bringing up a child in b&b, especially if she had special needs, which she doesn't seem to have. she was v lucky and was fostered by just one family so has had lots of stability.

Rhubarb, when we were considering the possibility of overseas adoption we though of latin america and also about China, but it was mainly based on the fact that Chinese population on my original city is so integrated that I grew up thinking that Lau and Wong were Mexican surnames, therefore oriental features are particularly common not only in the city but also in my family!. But i really don't know where to start looking for a reputable agency when I don't even speak the language...

... We have considering fostering as well but we think it would be rather hard on DS, to accept and love somebody as a sibbling and then let him/her go... I'm not sure... I think we may get too attached...

Chandra, just letting you know that that's is how long it can take. It took 2 years to get approved and another 2 1/2 years to find her. They were more specific with their needs/wants and maybe that's why but it won't hurt to get the ball rolling. I'm pg with my 1st (5th IUI attempt) but I considered even at the start that if it didn't work this time I may have put the ball in motion re adoption (if I could that is as I think you have to have a period of grieving as it were before you're considered) even if I decided not to adopt in the end.

I have been reading about this yesterday Del Girl, and if I remember right, you need to have stoped fertility treatments/TTC at least one year before requesting to be considered. Which brings me to another point... I have been seen by a gynec. and prescribed another round of fertility drugs, so officially I'm TTC. However, I didn't use them as I was not totally sure that I was ready to go through it again... How are you coping with your treatment?. Hope everything is going fine, and it works this time.

stupid me... have just realised you are already pregnant, many congratulations!

. last 2 attempts were successful but ended in m/c's. I was so sure i'd be ok. With this one, I am quite nervous tbh and you do sort of feel guilty that you're not on cloud nine all the time but the m/c's put paid to that really along with the drugs I should imagine. Had to have loads and loads of drugs and i'm sure it leaves a permanent scar tbh. Almost 14 weeks now so all looking good, thanks

Best of luck DelGirl, I will be having a look at your threads to see how everything is going .

bumpi di bump...

Hi

Sounds like you have given this a lot of thought. My only contribution would be that of the 2 children I know who were adopted when older i.e. over 3 have very clear memories of their birth parents and the circumstances from which they were removed and placed for adoption. It hasn't been easy for either of them esp as teenagers despite the fact that they have brilliant adoptive families. It made the whole teenage identity crisis harder. One has turned out fine; the other has too but via some very messy years. It was very hard on their non-adopted siblings and relations 10 years on are still strained. Try to get talking to people who have been adopted and have adopted kids who remember.

Thanks Issymum, that has been very helpful, I would have look at the sites you suggested. And I'm sure I'll be back with more questions, would you mind if I save your e-mail to contact you about this in the future?, I'm sure soon I'll have more specific questions to ask to somebody with your experience. Thank you so much.

Chandra, Some friends have recently adopted a little girl form an area local to London. She is about 3 I think, and apparently there were alot of babies and toddlers to adopt. CAT me if you need to, don't want to write down the name of the place -seems strange to say that therea are alot of babies in a particular area of the country.
It must be a very hard thing to think about