A long question about adoption...

[Chandra]

I'm not sure if this thread should be under this topic but hope somebody can come with some suggestions.

DS conception, pregnancy and first year have been a hormonal rollercoaster that have had some very negative effects on my well being. Don't take me wrong, I love my child and really enjoy his company but going through the fertility treatment was like going back to be a teenager, the hormonal changes during pregnancy made me an emotional wreck and though I was very happy with DS, I had a bad time with PND which, after almost 2 yrs, is just beggining to clear up.

We are afraid that having a second go at pregnancy may have more permanent negative effects on my "mental health" for the sole hormonal issue, and have started to consider the possibility of adoption.

We understand it is not an easy process as we do understand that children come with some problems that are in many occasions not easy to solve. We also know that our possibilities of getting a toddler are almost unexistant. But as we would like DS and prospective sibbling to be of a similar age we were considering to adopt a 3-5 yrs old by the time DS is 4 (in 2.5 yrs time), is it a good idea to start the adoption process in a couple of months? or is it better to wait a bit longer? DH and I are from a Mediterranean-Latinamerican background which I believe reduces our possibilities to find a suitable child (for the simple reason that we don't expect there would be many children available in England with such a cultural background mix mix, and even though we would happily accept a child of any cultural background, we know that this is not for us to decide)

Can anybody out there offer any advice?

Thanks in advance.

Moi

HAtmum, good point. I will keep your suggestion in mind and in the list of questions to ask to ourfriends who adopted an older girl. One of my best friends from University was also adopted and though he could not remeber his mother, he really had a bad time dealing with the subject when we were around 18... actually I should arrange to meet with him next time I visit my country he may provide some helpful info from the adoptive child's point of view...

Issymum, I really don't know if the matching ethnicity issue is going to be on our favour or not, though I suspect it won't. I suspect there should not be many childrens sharing our ethnicity but I do also think that there should be very few prospective adoptive parents with out ethnicity that can be a match for such child. Adoption week is taking place the first week of November, I may ask about this then, otherwise probably it would be wise to start the process for adopting overseas...

Chandra, how's this going? What did you decide?

Chandra ? Social Services will recommend that you have at least a two-year age gap between the children. They will also not let you adopt out of birth order. I.e. any child you adopt will have to be two years younger than your son. They are not keen on the idea of getting a playmate for your existing child IYSWIM

If you adopt from abroad you can get a baby (about a year) or a toddler. You go through the same approval process as you do for a domestic adoption. But you are right ? it is much more complicated as you have to work with an agency abroad to find you child.

As everyone here has says, social services are keen on matching for ethnicity . However they have a VERY strange IMHO view if this which is basically that you are either white or ?non white?. Your background is a HUGE advantage for adopting here. There are lots of dual heritage kids in care in the UK.

Rhubarb ? you wrote:
I have friends who have adopted children from China, although my own personal opinion is that these children are better off adopted in their own countries if at all possible.

There is NO chance of any of these children being adopted in China ? they would remain care their whole lives. You obviously don?t know much about the situation in China!. As the mum of two Euro Chinese children I have to say that I find your comment:

? there is a clatter of rich people wanting the latest Oriental child as a kind of fashion accessory.

?rather offensive and racist.

You also suggested that chandra think about fostering first. This will not move her up the waiting list, but I agree it would prepare her for the kind of problems she might face with an adopted child.

Hi, I'm a foster carer and prospective adopter, (currently in a right pickle but that's another story!)

My experience has been that it can be possible to adopt a child older than your own, but it can be a very fraught situation which is why it's not that usual. Whether you adopt younger or older than your birth child, your birth child's position in the family is usurped. The issues with older children being adopted into a family with younger children is that they may need more attention than you are able to give with a family already. Many have attachment issues which will respond best to dedicated one on one care. Some may also have issues with other children due to their earlier treatment in life which can leave them very angry and unpredictable.

The issue of race is one rather close to my heart at the moment. The previous post is probably nearer the truth than anything I have read so far - the fact that you're not white english from both your parents makes you 'black' in agencies' eyes and therefore allows you to better identify with children who are also 'not white'. A GOOD THING!!! While it's not something I necessarily subscribe to, I can see where they're coming from. But new legislation in the Children Act states that race should not be the overriding factor in any child's placement and that children should not wait indefinitely for a 'perfect match'.

I would imagine that you would be welcomed with open arms as a mixed race prospect adopter as so few people come forward with a non white background.

I don't think it would help you at all to foster first as a prelude to adoption. In fact, I think agencies would see you as not thinking clearly (I write from bitter experience as someone who sees the two things as very different but possible to do at the same time, and am now being portrayed by an agenecy as someone who couldn't tell the difference..)

They're very different. Fostering is often about keeping a family together through a difficult situation. It is very rare for a child to come to fostering with no family links (although this is what happened to us!) and although you might gain useful information on what older children are like you could probably better get this through voluntary work with a youth club or similar. Or indeed reading up and talking to people, as I'm sure you will anyway.

Kristina M, I don't think that Rhubarb meant any offence to people who adopt from abroad but it is true that potential adopters of overseas children have to think through many more issues than those adopting same race from the UK. It's a case of love not being enough. These children will rarely have access to their biological 'roots', through no fault of the adopters, and while some adopters think this makes them ideal propspects it actually makes your job as a parent that much harder in the future when the child may wish to search for more of their background. (I am certain that you will know all this I'm just saying it out loud to other poeple! As someone trying to adopt transracially at the moment, I know how much thought you will have had to put in to these issues. It's just sometimes the media does portray intercountry adoption as an easy route to a baby...)

PK sorry you are having such a fraught time with your adoption.Have you thought of contacting adoptive parenst suport groups, such as OASIS or Adoption UK?

I agree with much of your post.

BTw my euro chinese kids are not adopted.But I am offended by the suggestion that parenst of "Oriental children" see them as a fashion accessory, whether adopted or biological.

Chandra, I know of a US family who adopted two Peruvian children (not related, but being brought up as if twins). I'm afraid I don't know how long it took, nor exactly how (but they're a very responsible family so will have done things properly) - but wanted to mention, as regards age, that it seemed babies of about 6 months were most commonly available - sad reason being that that's when abandonment happens, when weaning means baby turns into the expense of another mouth to feed.

Kristina, thanks foe the ref to Oasis - will try them out
xxx