She sounds very much like DS1. He is nearly 12. It is getting better - since he's started at secondary he'll come home and suddenly say he wants to start magic tricks, or skateboarding, or something. We encourage everything because for years, since he was about 4 all he's cared about was gaming and TV and to be honest it's boring! I don't always have the money to rush out and buy him a full set of stuff but we look for second hand items or possibilities to practise - share/borrow a friend's while he works out if he wants to do it or not.
I don't think this is about being ambitious. I am not ambitious. But it's worrying to see a child have such limited interests, and I think it negatively affects your relationship with them when you feel like there's nothing you connect over. Then that becomes a vicious circle where your relationship is not as it could be, they don't want to listen to your suggestions, they're moody, it becomes unpleasant and unfun to spend time with them, that leads to you avoiding it, etc. You also know IME if your child is acting very differently to other children their age.
Minimising screen access has helped. I have also spent some time ensuring that some of his screen time is used in a different way - we play games together, because I do think it's important to try and meet your child where their interests are, I have also got him interested in coding and he does some of this, but he resents and will resist both of these things if he suspects it's eating into his "real" screen time.
I find when I set up activities for him to join me in, it works better than just trying to spend unstructured time together or waiting for our relationship to naturally improve because we end up bickering.
He has a diagnosis of ADHD (non hyperactive) - this was picked up only because I was diagnosed myself and so questioned it in him as he is very similar to me. He doesn't have any official support/therapy/treatment for it because it doesn't really affect the areas that those things target (school, antisocial behaviour). But I do think (because I know how it affects me) that it's behind this seeming lack of interest in everything - I don't think it is actually that he lacks interests, because given sufficient motivation and someone meeting him halfway, he will pick up various things and give them a try. It's just that when it's totally up to him, he will go straight for the least-effort option and the least-effort option tends to be games or TV (youtube).
I'm mentioning this because as I understand it, this is all likely related to the production and consumption of dopamine. Dopamine is one of the brain chemicals involved in reward and seeking rewarding behaviour - it's highly implicated in addiction, and I think this is HUGELY relevant. The creators of platforms like YouTube and games like Roblox specifically design their products in such a way that they deliver lots of little, constant "rewards" which pings off your dopamine producing brain bits (technical term :o) adults experience this too with things like Facebook - all of that constant notifications, never ending news feed, novelty seeking etc all feeds into the same kind of thing, and that keeps you on their platform generating ad revenue for them. Children can be more susceptible to this because their brains are still developing. We found Roblox really really bad for it actually, to the point we banned it, and in our case there weren't any benefits to offset that, unlike Minecraft which was also quite collaborative and creative, and Fortnite which is sociable and at least has set end points (stop after X number of matches).
The other aspect of dopamine is motivation - when you're low on dopamine you will often feel like everything is too much effort, like you can't be bothered, find it difficult to concentrate, and starting anything feels overwhelming, so you just won't bother. It's a bit like (if you remember pre kids) when you live alone and let yourself get too hungry, so you can't be bothered to make a proper dinner, you just want to eat biscuits instead. Social media, youtube and some kinds of games can be the equivalent of "just eating biscuits" - nothing wrong with biscuits! But if that's all you ever eat then it's not going to make you feel very good in general. And the social media isn't REALLY filling up your dopamine receptors, just like biscuits don't really fill you up when you're hungry. Better, longer lasting sources of dopamine are more fulfilling interactions which we perceive as rewarding - achieving things, making social connections, making something, laughing, feeling accepted, all of these kinds of things.
I mention this in conjunction with ADHD because they think in ADHD it's like the dopamine levels are constantly low because it is being drained away too quickly (and stimulants work because they make you produce more of it). I'm not saying ADHD is your issue, maybe it is maybe it isn't, it is worth reading how it affects girls BTW, but that some kind of similar process might be happening, where she is going for a lower effort kind of activity and/or feeling blocked from starting a higher effort activity because she is struggling with something, especially as you say it's got worse during lockdown, because many, MANY adults even are struggling with these kinds of feelings in lockdown and it can be because we are being starved of many of our usual sources of dopamine, and because we're not consciously aware of that we don't know where else to look to ensure we get enough.
So basically, action plan:
- Affirmations/reminders when it's annoying you: She's not doing this on purpose. She's not doing it to annoy you. Kids do well when they can. If she's not doing well it's because she can't. Not because she won't.
- Automated time limits where possible. It cuts out the arguments and negotiation attempts, because this kind of behaviour can mimic addiction, so they will never be fair or reasonable negotiations. Make it clear, no budging. If you find her cheating or somehow breaking the restriction in order to get extra time, the device is banned for the next day or two. If you are getting the whole rest of the day taken up by attempted negotiations and/or complaints that the screen time is over and this does not reduce after a few days of her realising you're not going to give in this time, the screen time might be too much - reduce it.
- Prepare to fill up SOME of her time with activities chosen by you in which you participate in together. Make some of it her interest - her game, her instrument, reading together (we do one page each/I read 2, he reads 1). Fully participate :) If you find it tedious, set a time limit for yourself - let her know you will do X with her for 20 minutes, then stop. Be fully present and attentive during those 20 minutes.
- For other activities you choose to fill her time, this can be a bit more passive - I bought a jigsaw and started setting it up on the living room table, we do bits of it when we get time, we don't always do it together. I have started arranging weekend activities that we all do as a family, not every weekend, but most (3/4). Often just a walk. He is allowed to play Pokemon Go on the walks, but often doesn't because his screen time is already finished for the day. I find TV series I think he would enjoy and we watch them together (preferably "live" - no binge watching - the discussion time in between episodes is important).
- Provide accessible materials for things she may choose to do independently - books she really wants to read, apps/websites/books relating to her instrument which may inspire her. Have a look at the home ed term "strewing" - this can be a really useful technique, but essentially what you're doing is meeting her halfway, and taking that first step for her which she may be blocked from doing.
- Work on that future planning, as that IS a skill which may be lacking and can be built on. She may complain she is bored now, but what can she do now to ensure she won't be bored tomorrow? What could she be doing now if she had thought to set it up before? (One example in our house: Playdates only ever happened spontaneously, I have finally managed to get him to arrange a playdate in the future if he cannot manage one right now).
Smart But Scattered by Guare and Dawson
Raising Human Beings / The Explosive Child - either has the collaborative problem solving model in. By Ross Greene.
The Whole Brain Child by Siegel and Bryson.
All of this creates less room for negative interactions and more room for neutral and positive interactions which helps build the connection and relationship between you and will probably help the most.