To have a 2nd baby with failing relationship

[HJ82]

OH and I are currently on pause. We have 17 month old who we co parent. We still live together and are working through our issues but I'm not sure we will stay together. We tried for years for our first and we talked about trying for a 2nd a few months ago, before he decided he's not sure he even wants to continue this relationship, after 12 years ☹️. I'm going on 39 so it's important that I don't wait, certainly not for another relationship! I would be fine to support two kids on my own if I chose to be a single mum and for some reason OH dropped off. ie:Remarried /had other kids etc. But I realise how hard it would be and travel etc would go out the window. My parents would help me.

He says he will always co parent 100%. My question is, do I try to have another baby with him? I know there are other threads on this. Some say it's selfish and a baby should only be born into a loving union. But families come in all different models now! Many women having ivf as single older mums etc. At least he would be around for them. My father was not.

I am an only child and I didn't want that for mine. Maybe it would be better just the two of us. But also we might stay together and the. It may be too late to have another due to my age.

I'm not sure if I'm just being selfish wanting a sibling (full sibling) for my DD. Or if she would be a happy child with just me. I am very close with my mother. She was a single mum. I'm successful and confident. I don't remember pining for a sibling when I was young. I know only children do just fine.

I don't know really but I totally get why you would have another child with him
It's a hard one

Could you relationship recovery in time? A baby puts unbelievable pressure on a relationship.
I was in a similar position to you and we
decided to have a second child so that our children would always have each other in the world. They are so close and it is a beautiful thing. Our relationship is steady now but not how it was.

I see what you mean and i would do it.

It’s tricky one. Is he a good guy generally? If so I know in your shoes I’d be tempted.
Young kids puts a tremendous strain on relationships, particularly in my case when you have two in less than two years. Kids are older now and it’s got better. I think you’d just have to proceed with your eyes wide open. Personally I don’t think that I could cope as a single parent. I do know some couples though that have separated and got to a relatively happy place where the child lives between both homes, and everyone gets on well. Not sure how lucky that is in the scheme of things though.
I’m an only child too- I had two and it was definitely the best decision to have two. They entertain each other most of the time and really are best mates. That doesn’t always happen though.

Ps you don’t say if your OH still wants a second. I would say only proceed if you and oh are able to be absolutely clear and honest with each other.

I guess you need to decide what's most important. Is having a second the be all as end all or could you be content with just your little one? Are you still having a sexual relationship as that does complicate things surely when your DH isn't even sure if he wants to be together. I am in the same position (although I'm sure) and am holding off for now. Equally a friend rushed 2 under 2 for that reason and the relationship is now happieralthough unclear if it will last. She was dead set on 2 DC at all costs whereas I know I could be happy with just my DD

Honestly, I did do this...and it worked out! I imagine it doesn’t always though.

I was ready to check out, our communication was terrible, no abuse, cheating or violence, we’d just not made any time for each other in years and were quietly resentful of each other.

But I really wanted two dc, and I didn’t want them to have different Dads. So even though I still felt resentful and like I wanted to moan I ‘faked’ being nicer to DH so that we would stay together long enough to have the second dc.

And shockingly, he started being a lot nicer to me too. My at the start faked interest in him eventually opened up conversations I never thought we’d have. I one day realised I wasn’t faking anymore, that I genuinely did want to hear about his day and do something nice for him.

He reciprocated and we now have 3dc and I love him more than I ever did, even at the beginning.

I can totally understand why you may consider this but he would have to be onboard with the idea too. He may well not be as keen to add a second child who he may end up having to pay for and having limited access to in the event of a split.

I understand OP and I definitely would try for another. Also, though, I think it's a fairly common pattern that it takes a relationship around 18-24 months to recover from having a first - of course it always depends but it might well get easier with DH fairly soon too?

So you're proposing to have sex for months or even years with someone who may become your ex in that time? Who might start other relationships in the meantime?

I don't think you have thought this through.

I can see why you would want that but assuming you would be RP, why would he want to have another child he knows he won't get to live with?

Something else to consider is whether he would want 50/50. How would you feel about being separated from your children half the time?
I am in a similar position but I feel like knowing something could break down and your children would have to go through the separation and 2 households is a little unfair on them. You might also be better able to support the child you have going through a separation and be more available to them if you are just concentrating on the needs and emotional support for one child.
You could meet someone new in a year or 2, and have a child with them.

Since you're on friendly terms, I would just discuss it with him, the implications, the benefits for DC1, etc.

If you do split up, and have more kids later they will have a larger age gap.

Would he be happy to try for another if the relationship is failing? I really wouldn't want to be tricking him like that.

I'm trying to imagine how you'd be able to sleep with him if it's going so badly :(

Bumping in case someone else has been through it!

I'd do it op.

@Frazzled2207 he's a terrific father. Also studying early childhood education. A wonder child person. They adore him. He's kind of a big kid himself I guess. I wear the £pants and structure. Which I guess might make him insecure. But anyway, a great father. We have just grown apart over the years(I've grown up). But realise a baby puts immense strain on any relationship and this might just be a freak out from his side. He is thinking about a 2nd baby. Since we are not having sex it would be an interesting process. 😬 Ideally i would get pregnant from making Love whilst bring in love, but as I say babies come all different ways these days!

@Badbanana that is a lovely story. But yes, our situation is exactly the same. I've grown cold and resentful and I've been awful to him and he's finally said enough is enough. So now I'm trying to be positive and incredibly nice (he's very sensitive) but not sure if it's too late. I'd love another with him and a happy ending like yours.

@Daisydaisy3 I'm 38... I'm not prepared to meet another guy and get pregnant ASAP and potentially that fizzles and then I have 2 kids to different fathers and only one that has the support of a dad. Nope

Co-parenting one child is one thing but doing that for a newborn and a pre-schooler is a different ball game. You'd both have to have extremely good teamwork and work together well. Thats a crux of it regardless of the actual status of the relationship. If you guys think you can do that, then go for it!

My mum did it. I would too if I had to. It's not ideal but I wouldn't miss out on have on a second child and I don't want different dads either. Not for me personally.

I feel. Like a lot of women come on here to talk about their terrible partners after having more than one child with them. They have often made the decision you are proposing. They knew things were bad but wanted a sibling or wanted more than one child.

Obviously families come in all shapes and sizes including single parents. But I really wonder about what you are letting yourself in for in terms of quality of life for yourself and dc. Also he's around now but he is sounding a bit flake when stuff gets hard. What if he meets someone else and they have children? Will he be that interested then?

I actually would - time is not on your side and think a sibling with the same parents would be great for your child. Especially if you know he will coparent.

I think there are a few factors to consider honestly.

1. What are the odds of your relationship breaking down?
2. How well did you cope with a newborn last time?
3. Does your current child want another sibling?
4. Are you financially, emotionally and physically ready for a divorce and co-parenting?
5. Is he definitely going to be fair in the divorce courts and is he going to want 50/50 custody?

I think it's a complicated situation. Worst case scenario though, you end up divorced with two young children and having a really hard time, he keeps fighting you in court and you lose any semblance of a friendship (affecting the dynamic between him and your children). Best case scenario, it brings you closer together and your children can grow up happier together. It's up to you to know where things are leaning I guess! x

When my DS1 turned one, me exP was adamant we should try for number two. (He had a 10y/o who always said he wanted a brother, so he wanted to give this one a brother/sister). I didn’t want to, I was not in a very good relationship but I gave in, and my DS2 was born 6 days before DS1 second birthday. I left that relationship when my youngest was 18month , so now I am a single mum and I am so so glad that I had my second! They are best friends, I love the relationship they have. My DS1 has autism and struggles to make friends, so he is pretty lonely in school ect, but he always has his brother here! Their dad isn’t around much anymore so it’s just the 3 of us and I’m honestly happier than I’ve ever been. Don’t get me wrong it’s hard, but I do count myself to be very lucky. If your partner is already a good dad I think yous would make it work for your children, regardless of your relationship status. Good luck with whatever you choose! 💐

Well, if you're not even having sex I think you'll have to address that first! YWNBU to have another with him, but I think you should work on your relationship, perhaps get some relationship counselling for you on your own first and then with him, and basically try to salvage things. Even if the marriage saving doesn't last, it might help things to limp on for long enough for you to have a second?