To have a 2nd baby with failing relationship

[HJ82]

OH and I are currently on pause. We have 17 month old who we co parent. We still live together and are working through our issues but I'm not sure we will stay together. We tried for years for our first and we talked about trying for a 2nd a few months ago, before he decided he's not sure he even wants to continue this relationship, after 12 years ☹️. I'm going on 39 so it's important that I don't wait, certainly not for another relationship! I would be fine to support two kids on my own if I chose to be a single mum and for some reason OH dropped off. ie:Remarried /had other kids etc. But I realise how hard it would be and travel etc would go out the window. My parents would help me.

He says he will always co parent 100%. My question is, do I try to have another baby with him? I know there are other threads on this. Some say it's selfish and a baby should only be born into a loving union. But families come in all different models now! Many women having ivf as single older mums etc. At least he would be around for them. My father was not.

I am an only child and I didn't want that for mine. Maybe it would be better just the two of us. But also we might stay together and the. It may be too late to have another due to my age.

I'm not sure if I'm just being selfish wanting a sibling (full sibling) for my DD. Or if she would be a happy child with just me. I am very close with my mother. She was a single mum. I'm successful and confident. I don't remember pining for a sibling when I was young. I know only children do just fine.

I don’t think it’s a very good idea. For a start you would need to have repeated sex with someone you’ve said you feel ‘cold and resentful’ towards, which wouldn’t make me feel great about the whole situation.

Then, you’ll be left alone with two very small children whose father may or may not be reliably helpful. Plus the breakdown of a 12 year relationship isn’t the best situation to bring a baby into. Obviously bringing a baby in through love is the best possible ideal, but deliberately having a baby with someone you’ve broken up with seems like a recipe for disaster.

I should say, when I say ‘through love’ I’m not discounting things like sperm donation. That’s okay because there isn’t usually an emotional connection with the donor and the baby is still being brought into a good, steady situation. But with someone you’ve just ended a long term relationship with it just doesn’t seem like the best idea.

But you're not even having sex. You tried for years with your first, why assume you'll instantly get pregnant. Lastly, at your age, how would you cope with a disabled child, because not all disabilities can be determined with pre-natal tests, so it's something to consider.

If we ignore the conception for the minute I actually completely understand why. Both my DC have the same father exdh and although the marriage broke down and this wasn't planned I genuinely think I have it easier only having to deal with one father. Everything is synced so to speak whilst my exdh is remarkably Disney dad esque in fairness he is a loving caring father but I have thought about it and both DC go to see him together there is no splitting due to different fathers so they have that level of consistency which has really helped during the split and divorce. It would have been tough in the newborn years though, saying that he was bloody useless in the newborn years so who knows.

I think you would need to go in with the expectation of being a single mum rather than hold out hope the relationship would survive. If it does then it's a bonus but realistically I think you would need to be expecting it to be a single parent situation.

Saying all that , I know I couldn't sleep with exdh for love nor money now. Only you know that aspect but personally I absolutely couldn't bring myself to but then we have been split up for years.

Also be slightly careful it doesn't unfairly get your dh Hope's up if you are still considering a split. I actually think if I said this to exdh it would be unfair as he would think we were getting back together (and just no ....plus I couldn't cope with three in my case )

Good luck I don't think this is a simple decision

@Shinyletsbebadguys I love him still. The ending the relationship is coming from him. Just 4 months ago we were planning to try for baby number 2 and get married. Then bam. All fell apart. Obvs I'm still hoping on. I don't want to look back and regret not trying for number 2 even if I end up alone. I don't really want to be a single parent by choice obvs. But I can't force someone to love me.

I understand why you want to, but I honestly think it's just a bad idea.

Also to add, you dc will go through a lot if you and your husband do spilt. Focus your attention on the child you have already have!

You seem to be focusing on yourself and how you would cope and how you feel and what you want, with not a lot of thought to how your child you already have might cope with a separation.