Where are all the non-boasting mums?

[Hitthefan]

I understand that parents who boast about their children often have deep seated insecurities, but it doesn't make them any easier to be friends with.

In my job, I work with children from all walks of life with many learning disabilities, physical disabilities, illnesses and all of whom meet milestones at different rates. Before giving birth, I knew that I didn't want to be a comparer or a boaster as you never know what challenges different people and children are facing, I consciously thought about this.

My third child is now 18 months old and to be honest, I'm sick to death of other parents. I've enjoyed the solitude of lockdown and less pressure to compare and compete. I have a handful of easy going friends who are not competitive when it comes to parenting, but unfortunately I see less of these than these other petulant types due to distance.

I vowed not to join the competitive parenting party, but have found myself on several occasions recently sharing an accomplishment made by my own children, as I've felt like I've not celebrated them the way other parents do their own children and I felt guilty for it. What I've discovered however is that the boasting parents get offended and behave rudely by changing the subject, not responding or blatantly talking over me. They want to talk about all their own kids achievements but don't want to listen when another child has done something well. On a rare occasion, with one boaster, I said to my child, "show S what you've learned to do this morning." This boaster snapped "He's not a performing monkey!" She is the biggest bloody boaster of them all.

One of my children is autistic and takes longer to meet her milestones. I've only told handful of friends about her diagnosis, because of the pressure I feel under with other mums. I never used to worry about milestones.

One boaster likes to tell me "oh I love celebrating the milestones of DDs friends, not just my own DD"

This is absolute bullshit as if her DDs friend reaches a milestone before her DD, I see nothing but jealousy all over her face as she swiftly changes the subject. She is only pleased for any child, provided that her own precious child achieved it first.

I have to keep reminding myself not to get roped into all this, I know from my own experience in my work that children are all so very different. I see other parents competing with each other when I'm doing my job. I'm annoyed with myself when I find myself joining in the competition and have to remind myself to step away mentally and physically.

I need to meet more non-boasting parents who are happy when their kids are happy and having fun. Where are you all? Are there any? Is anyone else as fed up as me?

I loathe the fact that we are not allowed to be proud of a child's achievements for fear of being labelled "boastful".

I mean, I mostly only get to compete in the race to the bottom of who's child is the naughtiest, most gross, etc. So when my kids achieve something I'm going to sing it from the roof tops. I'm glad I made a big deal out of their slightly early baby milestones, because that's the small comfort I have for the years of assessments and meetings and extra support that is/was to come

My little girl was very high needs and cried A LOT during those first 18 months. She was very active though so did meet milestones very early, I loved celebrating this because of everything we had to go through with her and all our NCT group celebrated different milestones. I mean my little girl didn’t sleep through the night for a year, but I still liked hearing about others who did! I even tweaked our routine with some advice from a friend which helped.

I couldn’t have got through that first year without support from Mum friends and I never felt insecure or felt like they were boasting if their child could do something that mine couldn’t.

My DC are Primary aged and I struggle with the fact that it’s socially very acceptable to boast about some achievements (eg sport) but not about others (most things academic). It means that I keep very quiet a lot of the time about DS1 for fear of offending other parents but have to listen to them talk about all the sports trophies their DC collect.

I agree with @SoupDragon that I would like us all to be able to celebrate all achievements.

@soupdragon do you also then talk over other parents who are proudly sharing their child's achievements in return? Or glaze over and change the subject?

These are the parents I'm talking about. These are the boasters, the ones that want to talk about their own children and quietly seethe with rage at other children achieving anything and abruptly change the subject when they do?
Do you do this too? If not, you are not a boaster.

I am with you OP. I live in an area where we are very rural and so the kids school has a lot of 'hooray-Henry' types who think their lives are so much better than anyone else's.

What I have learnt is that karma does come out eventually.

But @zarashouse you don't sound like the type of mum I'm writing about here.

Do you also behave rudely, abruptly change the subject or snap at other mums of they share something in return?

You're surrounded by "boasters" who "quietly seethe and rage"

Are you sure?

I find the opposite which is a bit sad and I am guilty too. Convo might go, "oh wow, your DS can do X! Mine is nowhere near." Response: "yeah but he can't do Y"

I suppose if your child is hitting all there milestones, has glowing reports and achieves a lot, you'd feel proud and want to share it. There is the type of parent who is competitive and doesn't celebrate other dcs achievements, but also some just don't realise what it's like to have a child who isn't typical. My ds is 14, he got diagnosed as ASD (Aspergers) 2 years ago. So all through primary, I didn't know why he wasn't like other kids. I wasn't jealous, but I used to feel a bit disheartened after every parents evening, report, results. Other kids would all have these glowing reviews, and I just had nothing to say about mine! Now I know why he behaves the way he does and I'm actually proud when he does achieve something, no matter how small, because for him, it's an achievement. I don't boast about it though (because ds wouldn't like that) but I don't feel like so much of a failure anymore and it also helps me to support him

Either you are massively misreading other people’s reactions or you need different friends.

I also have three kids and have never experienced the kind of reactions you describe. My dd1 was spectacularly late to walk (22m) but my nct friends were delighted when she finally got there, even if this was old hat to their own kids.

On the other hand, I used to work with someone who always seemed to encounter terrible service and rude people wherever she went. The girl in Starbucks was always rude to her and the chap in Eat never smiled etc. The thing was the rest of the office frequented the same places and never had the same experiences, so it seemed more likely that she was misreading people’s cues.

I’m luckily surrounded by parents who don’t mention their children’s achievements in either a boasty or non boasty way. We are much more likely to bemoan why our kids haven’t learned to flush the loo yet, than mention how they are already a free reader age 5.

Personally I don’t see why there is any need to mention your child’s achievements to other parents, at all. Of course you may feel proud and want to celebrate these things, but do that with the child themselves, and with family (grandparents).

If you mention your child’s achievements to a crowd of parents you will get some who are uninterested, some who are quietly upset because their child is way behind, some who are jealous/competitive, some who will write you off as boastful and maybe just a few who are genuinely interested and pleased. It’s better IMO just to keep quiet about it and celebrate the achievements with family.

@minipie can I join your group?!

@SoupDragon

I loathe the fact that we are not allowed to be proud of a child's achievements for fear of being labelled "boastful".

Yes ! And the fact that some parents are just proud and not in the least bit insecure or whatever insult springs to mind.

Hitthefan of course more the merrier 😁

@SoupDragon

I loathe the fact that we are not allowed to be proud of a child's achievements for fear of being labelled "boastful".

Me too

There are parents whose conversations about their children are led by their ego rather than the child's achievements. They equate their child's behaviour or achievement with their parenting, so is more of a 'look at me' rather than a 'look at my child'.

A parent who celebrates their children in spite of themselves as parents is a beautiful thing.

Are you sure you’re reading things correctly OP? “Surrounded” by these people?

I have a young DD who does (like most kids) excel in one or two things. I don’t share them with friends typically. If others boast I tend to say a quick “How lovely for him, looks like he’s really enjoying x” and move on.

Goodness they sound awful, I'd get new friends!

My son is 19months and I tend to just share funny or silly anecdotes. My son isn't talking but some friends are obsessively telling me about all the words their little ones say. I just smile and be complimentary but I don't try to compete with "oh well my son does this "

OP I think its fine to be proud of your DC's acheivements to an extent but I tend to limit expressing my pride to my close family and friends.

Nobody else needs to be privvy to my sense of pride and my children range from exceptionally academically gifted to decidely average in that regard.

Honestly I do find it tiresome to listen to boastful/proud parents. Conversely I'd much rather hear my friends be proud of their own acheivements rather than seeking cache by extension of their children's.

I am minded that the acheivements are the child's and usually the result of accident of birth, so it really isn't becoming of a parent to be outwardly boastful in the company of mere aquaintances.

I guess it's time for a cheeky boast. My daughter won her class star of the year last year and I'm ofc, very proud

The irony being I kept all irl boasting to the family lol.

I loathe the fact that we are not allowed to be proud of a child's achievements for fear of being labelled "boastful".

Of course you’re allowed to be proud you just don’t need to express that pride to other people. It’s possible to have a feeling without sharing it with the world.

@minipie why shouldnt you share it with the world? Everything else is shared nowadays

I know changednamealways... I think I’m too old. I preferred it when less was shared tbh.

@minipie to be fair I'm a younger mum and I prefer a private life also, people love to boast because that's what social media etc is for I guess!😂