Please help me

[fn1646]

I’m just looking for some advice and I don’t even know where to start.

I fell pregnant in October at uni and only found out I was pregnant around March/April time. I was in a very bad place financially, to the point where I was eating maybe one meal a week and even that was pasta. I don’t even know how I survived, let alone created a whole other human. Coronavirus happened, we were all kicked out of uni accoms so I was sofa surfing while heavily pregnant for a while and going between friends houses. Decided I would not go back to uni in September, instead I would take a year out. I had to make my £1,500 maintenance loan last me from mid April until now. I wasn’t eligible for any sort of benefits until now because I was technically still “a student“ and students aren’t eligible for benefits.

So I’ve now completely ran out of money, and my universal credit payment has finally been approved however it takes 5 weeks to clear. I’m not eligible for an advance payment because I had an advance when I claimed UC when I was 16. I’m lost. I’m still sofa surfing, but now with a small baby, and I don’t have a penny to my name. I’m not eligible for food banks because I “technically” live with my mum and she’s very well off however she refuses to help me in any way shape or form. I can’t work right now due to the pandemic & the issue of childcare. I do not know what to do. I am at my wits end. My baby gets through £70-80 worth of food a month which doesn’t sound like much but when you have nothing, £70 is a massive expense.

Please can someone guide me as to what I can do to make sure my baby and I make it to October. Is there anything, any sort of free baby food schemes or hardship grants or anything like that. We’re running out of options, running out of places to stay & people to help. I just seriously fear for mine and my baby’s life and I don’t know what to do

Hi I’m going to send you a message. One thing you could do is approach local Church’s to see if they can help

I’m not eligible for food banks because I “technically” live with my mum and she’s very well off however she refuses to help me in any way shape or form

Why can't you live where you 'technically' live?

If you can't live there, how come you're technically living there?

It sounds like you're actually homeless but are somehow not looking like that on paper, so I think you need to address that issue first as it seems to be the barrier to getting the actual help you need.

@LonginesPrime

I’m not eligible for food banks because I “technically” live with my mum and she’s very well off however she refuses to help me in any way shape or form

Why can't you live where you 'technically' live?

If you can't live there, how come you're technically living there?

It sounds like you're actually homeless but are somehow not looking like that on paper, so I think you need to address that issue first as it seems to be the barrier to getting the actual help you need.

I live there on paper, I had to provide an address for GP & midwives etc when I came back from uni and I suppose being a young mum I've just been terrified that if it looks like I'm providing an unstable & unsafe home for my son they'll take him off me. I'm a good mum and I do my absolute best but to the authorities my best might not be enough

Have you spoken to your Health Visitor OP? You need to seek some real life advice and support. Did your HV come to visit you? If so, where?

@dododotheconga my HV doesn't come out to do actual visits due to covid. I was briefly staying with my mum for a week or so after birth but she wants to charge me for us being there which is perfectly reasonable but it's money I just don't have so I can't stay there anymore

Do you feel able up phone your HV and explain the reality of your situation? There will be help out there for you.

Surely your mother can wait the 5 weeks until your benefits are paid to you. She would be supporting you, her daughter and her grandson for only 5 weeks. That shouldn't be an issue for a well off parent. What is your relationship with your mother?

Did you work whilst you were a student? If you did, you might be eligible for maternity allowance which could be up to £140 a week for 9 months.

Otherwise whilst it’s terrifying to do, I would speak to both your HV and GP for help and advice.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it does sound very desperate.

Oh, and look in to healthy start vouchers. If you’re eligible for UC I believe you qualify, whilst it’s not much it would help.

@Pearsapiece I've been told that as I had the full advance before and didn't pay any of it back I am not eligible for another advance; I've not asked for anything other than advice as I'm extremely desperate and I want to make sure my child is looked after.

Hello everyone

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask users to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong. We strongly advise against parting with any cash or giving away your personal details, and if you receive a PM which makes you uneasy - report it to us and we’ll take a look.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon. In the meantime, you might find some useful information on our guide for dealing with financial difficulty

@Brot64 I was homeless for a while while I was in college because she kicked me out; she does not like having me here, we've never had a relationship. She's a functioning alcoholic, she has a good job however she spends easily £300-£500 every weekend on nights out and has a huge amount of debt so while she is well off in the sense that she makes a lot of money, she doesn't spend it wisely

fn1646 :I was homeless for a while while I was in college because she kicked me out; she does not like having me here

So are you living with her now?

Is there a citizen advice place you can contact?

@fn1646 so you are at her place now, as you mentioned she doesn't like you being there now? Is there no way to reason with her?

Any other relatives or friends that can help? I don't have any practical advice in regards to the benefit system as I don't know how it operates, however as someone mentioned maybe get in touch with some churches or shelter uk? Also if she has kicked you out, you are homeless and should therefore be able to be viewed as such for benefit and emergency housing etc purposes?

You fell pg in October, so your baby is 2mo at the moment? And eating £70 of food a month? Surely.there are milk vouchers for infants that aren't bf?

OP, It sounds to me like you're in denial about your situation and the negative impact it's having on your baby. It's understandable that denial would be your natural reaction given your home life, but you really need to put your baby first here.

By hiding your situation from HV, GP, etc, you're not only putting your baby at risk, you're also proving your incapacity to put the interests of your child first.

I understand that you've been conditioned to present as coping fine to the outside world even when it's not the truth, but you have a child now, and if you want to keep them, you can't do that any more.

The only thing you're doing that indicates you're a bad parent at the moment is not seeking help. There's no reason anyone would separate you from your child if you're putting your child first. Each time you put your own fears/guilt/shame before your child's welfare, you're showing yourself as less and less able to care for your baby independently.

Put your baby first and tell your council, HV and GP that you're homeless now.

You also need to start thinking ahead with a baby instead of living from day to day and sofa to sofa.

I don't see how you can have applied for the housing benefit element of UC as you have to provide evidence of rent costs (which you don't have if you're not actually living there), so presumably you're just expecting a UC payment for living costs such as food in five weeks? If that's the case, what do you plan to do about accommodation then?

One UC payment isn't going to solve your seemingly long-term housing issue, and your baby needs you to face up to this and get help.

@ahola

You fell pg in October, so your baby is 2mo at the moment? And eating £70 of food a month? Surely.there are milk vouchers for infants that aren't bf?

The OP was asking if there were any 'free baby food' schemes, so I guess she meant formula for the time being, but wasn't too clear.

I'd reiterate the advice to be honest with the HV, GP etc otherwise I don't know how you'd expect to get them!?

If you're seriously paying £70 per month on formula then I don't know where you're buying it. I think we spent about £20 on formula for my FF baby. You would be entitled to child benefit as that's a universal entitlement. That should easily cover the cost of formula and nappies.

If this is legit then I'm very sorry for your troubles. I would also go to the money advice service at your uni. They will help you (I work in student services ). However, I'm not sure everything you've said quite adds up.

OP, have you applied for Child Benefit separately too?

Personally I'd go to housing association and declare yourself homeless as mother charging too much rent. You'll be given emergency accommodation and benefits. There's a system in place to help people in need you just need to ask.

Did you get anywhere @fn1646 ?

Contact Shelter as they can tell you your rights to do with housing.

I think by baby food you mean pouches and jars, yes? This is a very expensive way to feed a baby although of course if you have nowhere to live, it's hard to prepare other types of food. What are you eating yourself? You may be able to replace some of the expensive baby food with cheaper things which are still nutritious. Fruit bought fresh is very cheap and can be prepared without a kitchen. Plain porridge oats mixed with hot water or full fat milk or formula are ok at 9 months. If you get proper meals anywhere, he can have a little bit of yours,although things like takeaway will be too salt for him.

Your health visitor will know of young mum support schemes you might be able to join.

It is probably a bit late now but the uni may well have had support services you could have accessed. This would have been a good idea to contact straight away. You could try contacting student services anyway to see whether they can help.

I agree with others that it's better to ask for help and show willingness to do whatever is needed, than try to hide out of fear. Unfortunately your baby is in a vulnerable position, it looks better to support services that you're doing everything to abate that. It is very expensive to take a baby into care, they're not going to do that when there's a mother willing and capable of looking after him if only in need of some support.

Is the purpose of taking a gap year so that you can work to support yourself?