He hates being a parent

[Misskg1982]

I know parenting is hard and sucks at times but I really feel like my OH hates being a parent and the moaning is really getting me down. We have a 3yr old DD and although he tells me different I just get the impression he hates parenting life and moans about everything.
He moans that she wakes up early every morning, how she has disturbed his sleep. (Shes always been an early risers, now wakes at 8am). He always maoms about noise and really expects her to be seen and not heard. He flies off the handle with her very quickly, I often feel like she can't put a foot right some days. He'd much rather sit on his phone or do whatever he likes then to do things with her. When he does try to do something with her she doesn't show much interest (im guessing due to over reactions on his part) which then pisses him off. He often tells me I've spoilt her as she'd rather spend time with me then him, yet she loves time with various members of our family (ie aunts uncles, grandparents etc), just not him. He expects to speak to her once and she is to comply. I'm often explaining to him that this is quite an expectation considering her age and the fact that she is a child (not making excuses but how many of us as we grew older would answer parents back) I agree it's frustrating but is it not part of parenting and it's down to you as the parent to find different strategies etc to deal with your child...
Anyways, I want to help him and I want to change the dynamic in our house but how? He denies my suspicions and just fires back with blaming me for everything rather then deal with things. It's really getting me down and im finding that id rather be at home just with my DD. What do i do??

Hmmm sounds like you need to arrange some serious daddy daughter bonding. They need major quality time to get back on track. Doesn’t have to be anything major just a walk to the park, trip to the supermarket with a list, a tea party in the garden anything that she enjoys and he can be a part of.

It takes time and effort to build a relationship, sure your kids will love you unconditionally and you them but you have to learn how to get along with each other and how to enjoy each other’s company

He sounds like a pillock.

I’m not sure if you change an adult’s behaviour when they don’t want to.

*if you can

She's 3 ffs. What does he expect?

The only thing I can see is that he moans that she disturbs his sleep when she wakes up at 8am. That is the latest I’ve ever known a 3 year old to sleep. His expectations are ridiculous and he needs to change before his behaviour to your DD will cause her damage.

There's a good book 'how to talk so little kids will listen' but from what you've said I can't see him agreeing to read it atm. Can you start putting things like super nanny on the telly instead?! As a conversation starter!

Agree they need bonding time, don't you suddenly have a few appointments coming up that you can't take Dd to? 🤔

You're not alone in this by the way, my Dd actively disliked dh until age 4, when she told me she didn't love him and I cried and laid it on with a trowel how he's her only dad (a friends husband has died not long before) and told dh to read the damn book. Dh being furloughed and doing all the childcare really helped. Dd is 6 next month.

It sounds like she is already learning it’s not worth trying to do fun things with him as he’ll snap at her. Reading this makes me feel really sad for your DD.

He isn't getting anything out because he's not putting any effort in to interact with her.

Why on earth the first poster believes it's you who needs to fix this I have absolutely no clue.

Are you happy in the relationship? Do you feel you get your needs met? He seems to have completely dumped his entire childcare responsibility on you and he doesn't seem to support his DD emotionally so I'd be surprised if he is emotionally responsive to you and pulls his weight in other areas.

I’ve read your OP again and he really sounds awful, I couldn’t stand by whilst my daughter was treated in that way, regardless of her behaviour. 8am is a lay in for the majority of parents. He sounds lazy, selfish and mean.

@FlorenceNightshade

Hmmm sounds like you need to arrange some serious daddy daughter bonding. They need major quality time to get back on track. Doesn’t have to be anything major just a walk to the park, trip to the supermarket with a list, a tea party in the garden anything that she enjoys and he can be a part of.

It takes time and effort to build a relationship, sure your kids will love you unconditionally and you them but you have to learn how to get along with each other and how to enjoy each other’s company

Why is it up to OP to arrange ‘daddy/daughter’ time? It isn’t her job to make him be a decent parent. He is a crap parent who will probably always be a crap parent.

I'm sorry he sounds like a twat and I don't think he can change. He just isn't interested in forming a relationship with his dd. Selfish git.

Your poor little girl, that is a lifetime of self esteem issues being lined up for her by the one man who is supposed to love her. Id choose my child over a waste of space like that any day.

He flies off the handle with her very quickly, I often feel like she can't put a foot right some days. He'd much rather sit on his phone or do whatever he likes then to do things with her.

Read that again.
He would rather interact with his phone than his own daughter.
I feel so sorry for her.

He sounds bloody awful, both as a parent and a partner. His behaviour is not fair on either you or your DD.

Does he want things to improve? Is he willing to make changes? If not, I'd be thinking about if this is the right situation for you DD to be growing up in.

@LeaveMyDamnJam ummm because she asked what she could do about it? He obviously isn’t parenting her well so needs support

Whatever you do, do not have another child with him unless he seriously changes his ways. Bad enough that he screws up one child’s life...

I’ve been there. DH isn’t a natural parent and won’t take advice from anyone or read any books. Expectations of DC are unrealistically high. I begged and begged him to go on a parenting course, he refused. Eventually an incident happened which I felt was particularly damaging to dd and gave him an ultimatum of ‘parenting course or I’m gone with DC”. He did the parenting course, and it was game changing. He will never be a natural parent, but he has at least some awareness and is a much better parent since the course.

Yellow did you have to pay for parenting course? X

What to do? First thing, is to re-read your second last sentence - "It's really getting me down and I'm finding that id rather be at home just with my DD"...and you then make that happen.

You can't make him enjoy being a parent. He so blatantly doesn't, hasn't for 3 years and I honestly don't see that changing. You can't even talk to him about it without him blaming you - he's so defensive because he knows you are right. He has zero understanding of how children work and expect them to be basically mini adults.

My father never wanted children in the first place, and was bored with parenting by the time I was 10. Please, do your daughter a massive service and remove this moaning toxic person from her life. She should only have positive influences in her life at this stage. You've already said she's got loving uncles, aunts and grandparents...along with you, that's all the family she needs.

8am is early?! My 3 yr old has never woken at that time- 6.45 is winning!
What’s he like Is he goes to a child based activity and sees other kids eg. A playground?

@Breastfeedingworries, yes he did. It was actually a bit of an unusual one- it was online and was modules; it was done by either Stanford or Harvard university......so not sitting around with other parents discussing the realities and challenges of parenting. From memory it was about £100. But I do know that lots of councils and churches run free courses. Care for the family runs free courses nationwide.

Ah! I’m thinking for my dds dad. We’re separated though. He’s great and loves her to bits but I think he needs support. He’s struggling with her out bursts. She’s 21 months but when tired has taken to violently attacking us. Shes not just one thing like hair pulling. She’ll pinch then pull then twist then smack all in one attack 🤣 it’s something to behold!