He hates being a parent

[Misskg1982]

I know parenting is hard and sucks at times but I really feel like my OH hates being a parent and the moaning is really getting me down. We have a 3yr old DD and although he tells me different I just get the impression he hates parenting life and moans about everything.
He moans that she wakes up early every morning, how she has disturbed his sleep. (Shes always been an early risers, now wakes at 8am). He always maoms about noise and really expects her to be seen and not heard. He flies off the handle with her very quickly, I often feel like she can't put a foot right some days. He'd much rather sit on his phone or do whatever he likes then to do things with her. When he does try to do something with her she doesn't show much interest (im guessing due to over reactions on his part) which then pisses him off. He often tells me I've spoilt her as she'd rather spend time with me then him, yet she loves time with various members of our family (ie aunts uncles, grandparents etc), just not him. He expects to speak to her once and she is to comply. I'm often explaining to him that this is quite an expectation considering her age and the fact that she is a child (not making excuses but how many of us as we grew older would answer parents back) I agree it's frustrating but is it not part of parenting and it's down to you as the parent to find different strategies etc to deal with your child...
Anyways, I want to help him and I want to change the dynamic in our house but how? He denies my suspicions and just fires back with blaming me for everything rather then deal with things. It's really getting me down and im finding that id rather be at home just with my DD. What do i do??

He may never change, he likes the image of being a family man and nothing else...

How is your marriage, how well does he treat you?

He needs to have realistic expectations - yes, young kids are noisy, inconsiderate, wake up early, break things, do other things that children do. And he can't expect not to have to be 'disturbed' by her, including when he doesn't feel like it - I'm sure you deal with her when you don't feel like it.

Thank you all so much for your comments. You've helped me clarify that what I'm thinking and feeling isn't just me being overly sensitive.
In reguards to a few things the 8am waking. Yea as he doesn't want to wake early but also we have a nephew of the same age who sleeps till 11am, which is what he is comparing too. Difference being he has no routine goes to bed a fair bit later then our DD who does have a routine and sleeps from 7:30pm till 8am. Which I agree is and should be a normal bedtime, wake up time for a child of her age.
He compares alot with our nephew but then all house holds are different, no one parents the same. I had a child to parent and sacrifice and put in the time and effort. I just wish he felt the same.
He does take care of her on his own but I don't think much goes on in this time as DD always says she wants him to go to work not me, or asks to go to family members houses rather then be home alone with dad. And this shocks me that not even her saying that doesn't ring alarm bells in him.
Someone mentioned that he blames me as he knows what his doing is wrong and I've said this to him on various occasions, which of course he denies.
I think maybe I do need to lay something's on the line for him and if things don't turn around or improve then we need to think about us as a family moving forward. As it is my fear that it will cause damage to her in the long run. I've said to him before i dont want it getting to a place where she basically hates you and wants nothing to do with you, to which I recieved she's a child and you're over reacting.

He needs to fix this. It's not up to you! He's an adult.

He sounds like a real loser with completely unrealistic expectations of his own dc, as well as impatient and just not nice.

Tell him that his useless parenting will seriously affect dd - why does he think she doesn't want to be with him? Tell him to sort it out or you and dd will leave.

11am for a 3 year old is seriously unusual to the point I wonder whether that child is going to bed extremely late like 11pm or later? Which might be OK if the child doesn't have nursery etc to go to, but if they do it's not really fair on them.

Sleeping from 7.30-8 is amazing for a toddler!
She sounds like she would be better off in a nursery environment.
Does your partner work at all?
Is there a reason he’s grumpy all the time?
She will end up hating him, no two ways about it. He sounds like he either ignores her or shouts at her.

How’s things going op? Have you made a choice reguarding your dds future and get dad?

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

Your poor little girl, that is a lifetime of self esteem issues being lined up for her by the one man who is supposed to love her. Id choose my child over a waste of space like that any day.

This in spades.

I have a very similar DP to what you describe except my DD is only 1.
DP has no interest in interacting with her in day to day things like playing toys, eating with her, bathing her etc. He is on his phone most of the time he's home and it is obvious this has an imapct and she doesnt seek him out for anything, she always comes to me and he moans that she 'doesnt like him'.
I don't even know how to describe this behaviour but he regularly withholds her from me when she wants to get to me e.g if he picks her up and she reaches over to get to me he'll tell her no you can't have mum all the time and then when she kicks off he'll hold her so she can't get away and then tell her she can't go until she stops crying which then takes 10 mins of her screaming.
When she wakes in the night she wants me to go back to sleep but if he gets up first to her he again tries to hold her while she's screaming to get to me when if he just gave her to me she'd settle down.
He tells her to shut up multiple times a day and he thinks she should understand exactly what he's saying when he tells her not to do something. I dread her getting to the point where she starts having tantrums as i can imagine he's going to get so angry with her.
He spends a few evenings a week out and i daydream about how nice it would be if he just wasn't there. If i had an easy way out i would take it.............

8am is a dream!!! Imagine if she was waking at like 6-7am like most kids. He’d be livid. He sounds like he just can’t be arsed to be honest. I’m not sure there’s a cure for a lack of investment in your own child.

A kid sleeping until 11am is ridiculous - literally no young child should be sleeping until that time. I presume they’re going to bed at 11pm which sounds like an actual nightmare. Who the hell wants to spend their evenings with a toddler they’ve been with all day? They’ll be in trouble when he has to go to school that’s for sure. Do the parents even work? I can’t get my head around that at all!

Hey all again thanks for taking the time and the messages it really has helped.
Weve had a couple chats and I've actually showed him what you guys had to say, as at first as usually he was putting it back on me. But I think it started to sink in when I read out what you'd written and expressed to him that it isn't just me being a mother and over reacting or being too sensitive.
He admitted to me that he finds parenting harder then he thought it would be but doesnt regret becoming a dad. But he feels I don't back him and that I think more of DD then him (at which I told him to get a grip as his an adult and this isn't about sides it's about growing and adapting as a family). He agrees he has next to no patience and has said he will try and take a step back and not get so wound up. But also feels I'm too easy on her (bullshit) blah blah blah.
I have suggested us maybe seeking out a parenting coach/class, his not up for that, but I will keep suggesting and see if he takes it up.
I have said if this carries on it will be our relationship for the chop which isn't what I want, but if it comes to me choosing obviously I will choose what's best for our little one. Not that that would mean no contact for him but it will mean limited contact. I also tried to emphasise this isn't me not backing you but it's choosing what's best for everyone as I can't keep living and being positive in this environment. Obviously he didnt like that but after some talking he could see my point and said he understood my feelings but hopes it doesn't come to that.
His also up for doing more with her alone as well as together, but again working on not getting so frustrated with her.
I'm hopeful but we shall see what happens. Talk is cheap, actions is what we need right now. I just hope it helps and happens 🤞🏼 I don't want to walk away but this has to change, needs to change.

In regards to our nephew yes he goes to bed very late (11/11:30) always has done, hence no routine. Ive never wanted that and so got her into a routine early on. I agree 8am is a good time, it use to be 7 but within this year, especially over lock down, she's slept longer. I couldnt think of anything worse then having her up till my bedtime... But hey whatever works for you. Routine is key for me.

Well done OP! It’s not an easy conversation to have and I really hope he has listened to what you’ve said and takes action.

Talk is cheap yes. I would keep your eyes open. My ex used to say the right things and I'd feel like things might change but in hindsight, what he would say would be very vague - "I'll be better" "We'll be a family".

Sorry to be a downer/critique - but for example, him saying he will not get so frustrated is missing the point. Small children ARE frustrating, it's in their nature! It's not realistic to expect himself to not be frustrated. What would be more productive would be working on how he reacts to that frustration. Maybe some reframing of expectations would help, maybe being more present would help (I know I can be snappy and impatient if I'm drawn into my phone and DC want my attention!) Ultimately this is up to him to decide.

Good luck :)